My shelf completely fell a while back. My TBM spouse has no interest in reading about church history. I don't want to force it either. We are working on things. Many of you have provided great insight on this from a religious standpoint, which I am thankful for. However, I am now struggling with the fact that there is a lot of resentment and the possibility of now falling out of love on my part. There are children involved. A part of me wants to work on it, but a part of me does not. We don't fight, we discuss. We are great friends, but we have also realized that we don't meet each others ideals now that my thoughts on the church have changed. I'm not looking for anything ground breaking, just for different perspectives. Any thoughts that you have would be appreciated.

Hopefully I can give my perspective. I am married, but very young and have only been married 2 years. My wife was TBM for one of those years. For the whole first year my wife knew that I didn't like going to church and that I wasn't very religious. I always told her that I was more than happy to go with her. I told her that I just wanted to go to be with her. She was under the impression this whole time that I was just lazy and loved my Sundays. She also knew I didn't like polygamy. But she didn't know the extent because I never mentioned any historical issues with her. After the first year in a casual conversation she asked me why I wasn't TBM. I told her that I had some concerns with some historical things that didn't line up in my mind. She proceeded to tell me that using the polygamy excuse was a copout. I her that it wasn't polygamy and it was some other things. She got to the point where she genuinely wanted to know where I was coming from. I told her that I genuinely didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to ruin her faith for her. Very understandingly she just asked me to tell her. I went into everything. From that point on we both have not been back to church. I PROMISE you she wouldn't have listened if right at the beginning I unloaded this all on her. She could tell that I supported her choices and made efforts to understand where she was coming from for a long time. It took a year, but she then wanted to return the favor and learn where I was coming from.

The only advice I would give you from this is just to be accepting and loving. Don't push anything on your spouse. They will push back. You don't need to be TBM. But you do need to put an effort showing that you want to know where your spouse is coming from. This is very hard for them.

Sit down with your spouse and tell them that your marriage and family are the most important thing in the world to you. Tell your spouse that you know this is difficult on them and you will be open minded and seek to understand what they are feeling. It is likely your spouse will never agree with you. But your spouse will respect you with time.

I have been married for 22 years. In the course of those years, I have learned that there are a lot of times that I have been frustrated to the point of just running. I also have children. Each and every time, after I allowed myself enough time to get past the current issue, I was able to "re-set" and move forward. There are times, sometimes a long time (years, even) that the difficulties continue.

That's life.

From what you have said, you have a good partner. Even if your marriage WAS "ideal" (?), you would "realize you don't meet each other's ideals."

That's life.

Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the best thing I have ever done. He drives me NUTS, but I have no regrets. He is a good man, and the treasure we have built together is powerful enough to withstand the hard times. I know it will always get better; the sun always comes up tomorrow, because ...

That's life.

Religion is not an area of difficulty for us; although we did come to our marriage with different faith backgrounds. I practiced (Catholic), and he shrugged. I NEVER told him he had to go or to believe. That was his business, and it was between him and God, and the two of them only. Because I practiced, we were married in the Church and our children were raised in it. After 12 years, he started to ask questions, and he sought out those answers on his own. He did convert, but I stayed out of the process. My point here is that even though we had different views on something so important (Why are we here? Is there something greater than us? Where do we fit in in the grand scheme of things?), the MOST IMPORTANT THING was no matter what, we had each other.

I have found that one of the most mystifying things covered on this board is that the marriage bond is so often weaker than the ecclasiastical bond.

I am so sorry that you have to fight this monolith for your wife. It is profoundly unjust. There are enough factors in just everyday life to undermine a marriage; faith should be bolstering it, not shattering it.

I hope that the two of you will be able to continue to relate to one another and find your way back to true intimate companionship. Just know that although your struggles are very specific, struggles in general are had by all, and they can, and are, overcome.

The first question, and it has nothing to do with religion, and it sounds like it's the one you're asking, is "Do I want to be married to this person anymore?" You both have needs and they should be met, the question is, can you change things to where both your needs are met and do you both want to make those changes?

The answer for a lot of people is often "No". And while it's heartbreaking and difficult, it's a valid response, and contrary to the beliefs of some, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging things aren't working as they are and it's time to make a change.

My brother and his wife realized that they were better friends than they were spouses and divorced, even with a child. It wasn't easy, but they are still friends and both love their child very much.

If the answer is yes, that you both think you can work together to make the changes that you need and want, there's nothing wrong with that either. If you both want to stay married (and your spouse may not), then you need to discuss how the ground rules have changed and what they should be going forward.

It sounds like you respect as well as love each other (at least on some level), which will be important either way things go.

One note on the kids. Please, do not "stay together for the kids", unless you are truly happy together. Otherwise, it puts the burden of an unhappy marriage on them, it's too much for them to deal with no matter what age they are, or how much to try to put on a good face for them. It's better for them to see responsible adults making responsible choices rather than giving them an example of "marriage" being an unhappy one. I have two divorced brothers, both of their kids are happy, smart and well adjusted, precisely because their parents made good decisions, which included not staying with their spouse.

I'm not saying you should get divorced, or that you should stay together. You say your aren't meeting each others needs, you have to decide if you want to change things so that you are, or if you'd rather look elsewhere to get those needs met.

Thank you Finally Free. Your assumptions are very astute.

I may be a bit further down the road but I'm still on it. It's been almost 10 years since my shelf collapsed. Still married, still want to be, I think the wife wants to be as well.

"realized that we don't meet each others ideals now" That's the crux of it. But, and there is always a big but, are things any different than in most marriages anyway? What I'm saying is people change, no marriage remains static. Things evolve and a good partnership figures out how to deal with the changes in positive ways.

Many times I've looked at my situation and played the "what if" game. What if I did divorce? What if I could look for love somewhere else? What would I find? If I married someone else what would the marriage look like a few years down the road?

The conclusion I come to is I really like my wife. I like being with her, I like who she is, I like what she does and the way she does things. She is a good wife and a true friend, partners is a great word to describe us. Would I change some things if I could? You betcha! No way would I risk what I have for the chance of something better elsewhere. This kind of removes all the romance from the relationship but the pros completely outweigh the cons.

Not everyone is as lucky as I am. There are a number of relationships that end and it's for the best all the way around. If you play the "what if" game what conclusions do you make?

The resentment you mention is an issue. I still feel it all the time. I'm pretty sure my wife feels it too. It helps that we periodically have discussion where we kind of clear the air and both express the hurt we feel. It doesn't really change things but it does bring us closer.

I too play the what if game and it is what is causing me so much fear. I agree that it could be worse, however I also have the thought that it could be better. It's a risk, right? Settle for what is know vs. the unknown. I know the grass is always greener, but your comment on the "romance" part is spot on. There is so much more to a relationship and marriage than romance, but if it isn't there, is that the part should be sacrificed?

I was married at the age of 22 in the temple after serving a 2 year mission. My ex was barely 18 and we married the day after she graduated high school. Big mistake but we stayed togther for 30 years. Most of that time I stayed because of the church and in the end I stayed until my youngest was 18 because I wanted to be there for my kids. I didn't believe for the last 20 of those 30 years but I still went to church mostly because of my parents not her.

We divorced about 6 years ago after my two oldest sons were married and my daughter had been married and divorced twice. My youngest still lives with me and my new wife if you can call her that because we have been together for almost 5 years now.

I used to think I did my kids more harm than good by staying but that was right after the divorce. Now that I have had time to think and see how they are affected by the divorce I think I did the right thing by waiting. Now, that opinion is completely mine and I don't expect anyone else to have the same opinion. Every situation is different and yours is unique to you and your family.

This is what I would suggest. If you and your spouse get along and can find a way to stay together until the kids are grown that may be something to discuss. I don't know if you are the husband or wife, you did't give any clues to that, so depending on which you are, there are considerations you must mull over. If you are the husband and you seem fairly young you must consider that your wife will probably remarry especially if she is the TBM because she will want the "priesthood" in her home. That means someone else will be raising your children most of the time and you will only see them on the weekends. If you are the wife, this isn't so important because you will have the kids most of the time. I feel, again my opinion, that if you were fighting all the time, like my ex and I did, it may be different because the kids see that and it screws with their minds.

On the other hand there is the point that you have to think about yourself and you have to be happy and you can't be happy living with someone who thinks you are screwed up because you don't believe in the church any longer. It's a tough situation made tougher because religion is involved.

I guess you have to consider all sides and try to see what long term consequences will be for both staying and divorcing. That can be hard and you don't have a crystal ball so even if you think it through it may not turn out the way you expected it to. Its a hard place to be in and I send my best wishes. Good luck!

Thank you! I was purposely vague. But I am the husband.

I've been out for about ten years. Wife still attends, but won't read/listen/discuss church problems. And that's fine...it gives me Sunday to hit the links with my buddies. Seriously though, if she really believed in the church, then she would divorce me. Think about it, anybody that actually buys the priesthood/sealing bullshit would get a divorce and find a TBM. But when they stay, that is an indication deep down that their church commitment is not a 100%. I don't give her grief about church and she doesn't give me grief about playing 18 holes on Sunday.

A divorce should be the last resort, after all other good faith efforts have failed.

Keep in mind that No human being can possibly fill another person's ideals perfectly.
Don't put your misplaced anger on your wife.

Think twice before you entertain such a drastic step as divorce - the emotional and financial fallout can be horrific.

Of course, sometimes it comes to that but ,hopefully, not with a partner who is willing to work with you and understand your feelings.

It seems you can discuss things in a civil manner and that is good. It means if you do split you can work it out with sharing of kids etc. But how about their religious upbringing? I think you need to be respectful of the person who has changed beliefs and if your spouse is not, it would be hard to remain together. Surely possible, but hard. I say give it a bit more time and then make a decision you can live with. YOU can not fake beliefs for the kids. They must be brought up to understand you have your right to your own beliefs and you should share them with the kids as they can handle it regarding their age.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/21/2014 10:01PM by honestone.

neither Politics nor Religion should be a Wedge between (loving) people/partners/parents; it's that simple.