Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I was raised in a largely female household. I am an only son in sea of daughters. My dad was largely absent due to church obligations, leaving me to be brought up by my loving mother. As such I've always felt more keenly aware of the plight of females in TSCC. I saw first hand the struggles my mom had with trying to maintain a household while obeying the direction of a disconnected and domineering husband.
When I married my wife I tried to establish the fact we are equal partners and should make decisions together. We decided together to have four children. We decided together that I would finish schooling first and she would stay at home to raise the children. We decided together, or so I thought.
My wife and I have been struggling the past few years. She has suffered from severe depression which had led to anger, apathy, annoyance and inappropriate behavior with our children earlier in our marriage. We've been seeing a therapist to help us work through our challenges. Two of the concepts that have helped immensely are to understand each others projections and to run perception checks to avoid faulty assumptions.
Questioning my faith in TSCC has led me to many perception checks in the relationships I have. It has brought a keen awareness of how Mormon teachings distort the way TBMs project themselves in relationships. Despite the fact I was seeking true partnership in our marriage, the projection of church teachings and my station in the priesthood influenced my relationship with my wife. Opinions I shared with her, hoping for open dialogue, were most often agreed with and accepted. Her perception of what a good Mormon Mommy™ should desire influenced her decisions. She projected the patriarchal order of the priesthood onto our relationship to the detriment of her true opinions. She felt compelled to agree with me as the reigning priesthood holder in the home. She took upon herself the pressures of being a righteous and good mother within TSCC that have only been inflated and accelerated by the Pinterest generation.
When I revealed my disbelief to my wife it sparked open conversation about our entire marriage. We had our greatest perception check to date. She came to the realization that I was trying to make her an equal partner all along. That I didn't buy into the patriarchal order as pushed by the church and my father. I realized the church, the priesthood and our participation in them were the source of many of the deeper issues I had with her behavior. In an instant I watched many years of pressure and guilt wash away. We still have a lot to work through. We will both need to live with the consequences of our decisions, no matter why they were made. However, I feel our relationship is now the best it's ever been and we are on track for beautiful things.
My family is keenly aware of the problems we've had. They direct the blame at her and relationships have soured. They're keenly unaware of our disaffection and desire to leave the church. I'd like to use my recent epiphanies to help smooth out relationships and also begin sowing the seeds of my disaffection with the church patriarchy. My mom and sisters have all felt the undue stress placed on women by the church, so I feel they'll be open to a carefully worded letter. It will also help ease the thought that my wife is one who drove me from the church when the time finally comes to let the cat out of the bag.
I could use your help, fellow RfMers. If you have any links that provide context for the issues faced by Mormon Mommies I'd love to have them. The more approachable by a TBM the better. Depression/anti-depressant statistics in the morridor, faith promoting stories about female empowerment in the morg, scriptures, conference talks, blogs - anything would be greatly appreciated to help in crafting my letter.
By the power of The Holy Spearmint
Amen™
When I married my wife I tried to establish the fact we are equal partners and should make decisions together. We decided together to have four children. We decided together that I would finish schooling first and she would stay at home to raise the children. We decided together, or so I thought.
My wife and I have been struggling the past few years. She has suffered from severe depression which had led to anger, apathy, annoyance and inappropriate behavior with our children earlier in our marriage. We've been seeing a therapist to help us work through our challenges. Two of the concepts that have helped immensely are to understand each others projections and to run perception checks to avoid faulty assumptions.
Questioning my faith in TSCC has led me to many perception checks in the relationships I have. It has brought a keen awareness of how Mormon teachings distort the way TBMs project themselves in relationships. Despite the fact I was seeking true partnership in our marriage, the projection of church teachings and my station in the priesthood influenced my relationship with my wife. Opinions I shared with her, hoping for open dialogue, were most often agreed with and accepted. Her perception of what a good Mormon Mommy™ should desire influenced her decisions. She projected the patriarchal order of the priesthood onto our relationship to the detriment of her true opinions. She felt compelled to agree with me as the reigning priesthood holder in the home. She took upon herself the pressures of being a righteous and good mother within TSCC that have only been inflated and accelerated by the Pinterest generation.
When I revealed my disbelief to my wife it sparked open conversation about our entire marriage. We had our greatest perception check to date. She came to the realization that I was trying to make her an equal partner all along. That I didn't buy into the patriarchal order as pushed by the church and my father. I realized the church, the priesthood and our participation in them were the source of many of the deeper issues I had with her behavior. In an instant I watched many years of pressure and guilt wash away. We still have a lot to work through. We will both need to live with the consequences of our decisions, no matter why they were made. However, I feel our relationship is now the best it's ever been and we are on track for beautiful things.
My family is keenly aware of the problems we've had. They direct the blame at her and relationships have soured. They're keenly unaware of our disaffection and desire to leave the church. I'd like to use my recent epiphanies to help smooth out relationships and also begin sowing the seeds of my disaffection with the church patriarchy. My mom and sisters have all felt the undue stress placed on women by the church, so I feel they'll be open to a carefully worded letter. It will also help ease the thought that my wife is one who drove me from the church when the time finally comes to let the cat out of the bag.
I could use your help, fellow RfMers. If you have any links that provide context for the issues faced by Mormon Mommies I'd love to have them. The more approachable by a TBM the better. Depression/anti-depressant statistics in the morridor, faith promoting stories about female empowerment in the morg, scriptures, conference talks, blogs - anything would be greatly appreciated to help in crafting my letter.
By the power of The Holy Spearmint
Amen™
You might want to spend some considerable time at feministmormonhousewives.org. Also dovesandserpents.org and in particular, its series "Equality is not a Feeling." Another blog is zelophehadsdaughters.com
Those should get you started. They probably deal with pretty much every patriarchy/feminism problem in Mormonism.
Those should get you started. They probably deal with pretty much every patriarchy/feminism problem in Mormonism.
Someone did a dissertation that I have seen floating around and these boards. It analyzed Ensign articles for the expectations placed on women by TSCC. Seeing every one of them in black and white was extremely overwhelming and I realized how many of those burdens I had once placed on myself. I have often wondered what the "pinterest" phenomena must do to young mothers these days and thanked "goddess" I did not have that to worry about that as a young mother! Please post what you eventually come up with.
They all succeed in presenting themselves to the world as "perfect" (assisted in no small part by Pinterest and Facebook with the former laying out the expectations and the latter exhibiting the results) That is am immense "achievement" given all that any wife and mom must do. Those whose physio and psycho-logical predispositions are able to handle all the stress come out on top; for the others,along with depression (and medication),the overwhelming Mormon penchant for maintaining "appearances" for the world manages to somewhat successfully mask the mess.
that I read when I first came to this board some 8+ years ago. I know it involved Prozac. Maybe someone else can remember what it is called or you could search for it. It was EXCELLENT.
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon197.htm
I believe this is it. I don't have time to reread it right now to make sure.
My husband used to tell me that he had made all my dreams come true. I told him I had been dreaming the wrong dreams. I was beyond despondent as a young mother of twins. Some of the most serious depression I went through--and my ex is gay and I have dealt with that for the past 31 years since before marriage, his leaving, etc. I got a part-time job and worked 2 evenings a week and every other weekend. It made a world of difference. I refuse to remarry (though I have had a boyfriend for years now) because I so easily give my power over to a male. This way I have some sense of autonomy.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2014 09:53AM by cl2.
http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon197.htm
I believe this is it. I don't have time to reread it right now to make sure.
My husband used to tell me that he had made all my dreams come true. I told him I had been dreaming the wrong dreams. I was beyond despondent as a young mother of twins. Some of the most serious depression I went through--and my ex is gay and I have dealt with that for the past 31 years since before marriage, his leaving, etc. I got a part-time job and worked 2 evenings a week and every other weekend. It made a world of difference. I refuse to remarry (though I have had a boyfriend for years now) because I so easily give my power over to a male. This way I have some sense of autonomy.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2014 09:53AM by cl2.