Hello to all you regular posters here - long time lurker never posted till today.

So I've a typical overly large TBM family which one of my TBM sisters is about ten years my senior. When I was just out of high school and floundering as to how to get some semblance of a life going she was very kind allowing me to live with her family for a few years. She also did her best to remain supportive of me through the years as I have moved on. The problem is that she remains TBM and over the years it has become increasingly difficult to maintain a relationship with her as it is pretty much impossible for me to be my authentic self without offending her deeply. I've been living far outside of the Moridor for years now and we really have little in common.

Anyway yesterday TBM sister's DD called to tell me she's putting together a video montage of the whole talking (I'm pretty sure she means praising and eulogizing) about her mom for a birthday present and wants my contribution. I really have a strong dislike for things like this even as family history biographies (actual self-published books) and other projects have popped up regularly. I’m uncomfortable doing this but feel as if I have no choice since I don’t want my sister to think that I don’t appreciate or care for her and anyway the ‘whole family’ is doing it. Ugg.

Glad you're here!

Bothers you because it is a subtle form of coercion; and there is a little entitlement in there that you "owe" something. And the whole endeavor is kind of fake. It has nothing to do with your sister; is has to do with DD getting brownie points.

In short, you, and any true feeling you may have for sister, are being exploited. That's why it bothers you. And it is valid to be bothered.

Realizing this may make it easier to do the kabuki dance. On the other hand anything you submit will be completely fake.

Something you might consider which will allow you to maintain a sense of integrity: kindly decline the request, if pushed might offer legitimate real reasons (although you do not owe anyone an explanation), and communicate with sister directly on/around her birthday your real sentiments of what she means - directly.

Don't be a stage prop.

And beware folks using guilt to compel compliance.
Church (er, the corporation) does that.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/15/2013 11:09AM by zenjamin.

Surely you can find a few nice things to say about your sister in order to help her daughter complete her birthday gift?

You say you're "pretty sure she means praising and eulogizing." So in essence you're making a negative assumption, and then justifying your decision based on it.

People talk about how their TBM families shun them when they leave; there's no need to do the reverse.

"Surely you can find a few nice things to say about your sister in order to help her daughter complete her birthday gift?

You say you're "pretty sure she means praising and eulogizing." So in essence you're making a negative assumption, and then justifying your decision based on it.

People talk about how their TBM families shun them when they leave; there's no need to do the reverse."

Alpiner- I do not doubt you meant well in your criticism but I have to say that your words hit me with a freezing sort of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Reminding me, lest I dared to forget, that my feelings, my thoughts, and even my time never would or could belong to me but would forever be held in hawk under my obligations to other people. (In this case all the very numerous members of my family.)

My recovery from TSCC has been a very long and slow process of reclaiming my self. Often there is uncertainty and sometimes there have been roadblocks. Your post was one. And yes, it did take my 6+ months before I could overcome my initial shock and anxiety to return to the boards and craft a reply. Funny how sometimes the most innocuous things can set off devastating triggers.

I love my family. I try to remain respectful of their choices in religion. I wish I could maintain a closer relationship with many of them but the truth is I left TSCC more than 10 years ago and much of my life is offensive to their beliefs. More often than not,interacting with them requires me to suppress large swaths of my personal belief and experience in deference to their comfort. Honestly can no longer expend that much energy and maintain a happy life. I do love my family but I need to learn to love myself more.

TBM or not, apparently your sister did help you quite a bit when you were just starting out.
Having someone live with you is no easy task, not to mention the extra expense.

You could say how much you appreciate her help and thank her for letting you stay with her.
A little appreciation always goes a long way.
Don't be a boorish ingrate.

I agree that simply expressing your appreciation for what she has done for you in the past is probably the best way to handle it. However, I strongly disagree with Leaj that you are a "boorish ingrate." Your feelings are valid and you certainly don't need further guilt from someone on this board who doesn't know you. Just keep it simple and in your own style and that way you can maintain your integrity while complying with your niece's request.

Just because something about it bothers you doesn't mean you can't play along without violating your own integrity.

Keep it short and factual: "I will always be grateful to Sis for helping me years ago when I was in need of help and support. She, in the whole family, was the most Christ-like, and the one who best lived the Eleventh Article of Faith by allowing me to choose my own religious path."

If you do this, (which you don't have to feel compelled or guilted into doing) make your contribution about the BOTH of you.

Try to think of one or two most fun moments, times, experiences you and your sister had together.

Don't worry about eulogizing or putting your sister up on a pedistal to be praised or adored. Just tell about a fun time(s) you and she may have experienced together. Celebrate the fun/funny times you times you had together - Make it about BOTH of you... JMHO

Good idea.

NeverLookedBack Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hello to all you regular posters here - long time
> lurker never posted till today.

Hello NeverLookedBack. Welcome.

> Anyway yesterday TBM sister's DD called to tell me
> she's putting together a video montage of the
> whole talking (I'm pretty sure she means praising
> and eulogizing) about her mom for a birthday
> present and wants my contribution.

Even though your sister is TBM your contribution doesn't have to be Church related.

Your post already has something you could contribute when you said:-

> When I was just out of high school and
> floundering as to how to get some semblance of a
> life going she was very kind allowing me to live
> with her family for a few years. She also did her
> best to remain supportive of me through the years
> as I have moved on.

If it was me I'd talk about her kindness and support to you when you needed it.

You could just tell a funny story from your childhood. There is a tendency on this board to load everything that TBM relatives do with ulterior motives. Sometimes, there are ulterior motives, but sometimes, people are just doing people stuff. This tribute is for your sister. It probably isn't about you, accept in the sense that you are part of your sister's life. Maybe your niece just wants to do something fun and nice for her mom. My daughters did one of these tributes for me on my 60th birthday. I enjoyed the walk down memory lane. At the time one daughter was an Atheist, so it had nothing to do with TSCC. Lighten up and be a mench.

Thank you everyone for your input- it has been a great help.

NeverLookedBack Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> When I was just out of high school and
> floundering as to how to get some semblance of a
> life going she was very kind allowing me to live
> with her family for a few years. She also did her
> best to remain supportive of me through the years
> as I have moved on.

Talk about this.
It will mean a lot to her (and I suspect it will mean a lot to you too after you've done it)

I would only talk about how she helped you ten yrs. ago. And perhaps if you think she is a good mom. Other than that...nada.