I thought I was deeply in love but now I can't tell if I was just infatuated.

What's the difference?

A lot of people say it is a matter of intensity. I think it is just a matter of longevity.

nonsequiter Wrote:
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> A lot of people say it is a matter of intensity. I
> think it is just a matter of longevity.
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I likes this.

Infatuation is like seeing the other person in an idealized way, and it doesn't last. If you're lucky it'll evolve into real love.

Real love is accepting the other person as a person, flaws and all. Love is in it for the long haul.

Or so it appears to this old dog...

According to Harold Bessell, Ph.D., who wrote "THE LOVE TEST: A Psychotherapist defines the magic of romance--based on clinical research and a thirty-year practice":

Infatuation and love feel exactly the same in the beginning, but infatuation fades with time and personal interaction...while real love never fades. The principal way to tell the difference between the two is to spend significant amounts of time together...with the results obvious in approximately ninety to 180 days. If you feel the same love feelings (or those feelings just keep getting better), especially at the critical three month period (may be six months in some cases), then it is real love. If, by the three month mark (six months in some cases) those feelings begin to diminish with significant "quality time" spent together, it is infatuation.

He says (p. 20, hardcover edition): "Infatuation is often a mental-emotional fantasy trip...Genuine romantic chemistry [i.e., "real love"] may feel much the same as infatuation, but ... is a totally different phenomenon altogether. That these two vastly different things can in the beginning produce much the same feelings is a remarkable but true phenomenon."

He says: "Romantic attraction is either there or not there. And if it's real, it will last forever." (p. 17 in the hardcover edition) He cites (p. 14) a research finding that "six out of seven romances fall apart within a few short months," and that this is because those romances were based on infatuation instead of genuine love.

He also says that real love never diminishes or goes away, but only increases with time, and most emphatically with time spent together, and that this is regardless of real life problems, struggles, stresses, etc. which tend to bring couples who are both genuinely in love with each other closer together.

Regarding sex, he says (p. 30, hardcover edition): "With infatuation, the sex starts out great and dwindles as the realities of life set in. Sex with the wrong partner is only sex," but that genuine love does lead to good sex which gets better with time.

He says: "Romantic attraction is either there or not there. And if it's real, it will last forever." (p. 17 in the hardcover edition) He cites (p. 14) a research finding that "six out of seven romances fall apart within a few short months."

He also says that genuine love between two people is an actual "thing" that is either "there," or it is not.

He says (p. 24, hardcover edition): "When [relationships don't work], the relationship entailed some element of infatuation," and that relationships based on infatuation will "collapse of [their] own weight" if the two people spend enough quality time in that critical three month period.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2014 03:34AM by tevai.

Infatuation to me is based on incomplete information or an idealized fantasy of what you want the other person to be like. You build that other person up in your mind to be something they're not.

I agree with Summer. Infatuation has to do with the idea of someone. Love has to do with fully accepting someone for they actually are.

In my opinion, the majority of relationships fail because the real person consistently fails to match the idea of the person you hold in your mind.

You could use sternberg's theory of love.
To have consummate love you need imtimacy, passion, and commitment. if you are missing intimacy and commitment then you are pretty much infatuated.

Infatuation: foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.

Personally I think it's chemicals in the brain that creates a type of insanity.

love:
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.

Personally I think Infatuation is a subset of love. If you can build on your infatuation then you can build a loving relationship. I don't know if that necessarily means that a relationship is going to last forever. I think you build on the now and work from there.

Everything is either love, or fear.