A few years ago I went though the confession process. I had sex with 2 men, messed around with a few men, drank a few times, smoked some pot, etc. After a boyfriend passing away, I thought the only way to deal with my grief was to become more religious (err I mean more Mormon).

After crying to my bishop for a few minutes trying to get some type of comfort, he continued to ask about my relationship with my boyfriend. He then asked about previous relations with men. Mind you I was only 21 at the time, so I went along with it because I felt lost and hopeless. He made me not only recount the dates, but the number of times we had sex, where he came, if I "finished", if we used birth control, if I was ever pregnant, if we ever had anal sex, etc. This process, as you can imagine, was absolutely humiliating. I was completely mortified but was told this was "Godly Sorrow". Once I thought I was finished, he continued to ask about the other men. Again FULL NAMES, wards (of course I lied and said they weren't LDS), number of times it happened, where they came, if I engaged in anal sex, etc. At this point I knew something was off.

As I left his office, he told me how much The Lord loved me, but how offended he was by me. Offended? How? I was surrendering? I was admitting fault. This was my idea and I wanted to improve myself. This was exactly 7 days after my boyfriend passed away. Needless to say I contemplated driving off a cliff that night.

Since I was at my lowest point and had nowhere else to turn, I decided to see him again for some guidance. I was then told I needed a bishops counsel where they threatened the very nature of my membership. I went through the entire humiliation again when he read off the men I slept with, when I slept with them, every deed, etc. to the bishopric and bishop's assistant (who was a member of the singles ward, my age). At one point I remember almost getting up because I had such a weird feeling. My bishop essentially slut-shamed me during the bishop's counsel. Because of this experience, and other experiences I rarely go to church or engage in activities. I have since educated myself regarding church doctrine, found a wonderful non-LDS man who I am intimate with and I'm happier than ever...imagine that.

I guess my question is: why do bishops or bishoprics feel the need to ask these questions? I feel like this was a type of sexual harassment? Has anyone else had this happen to them?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 03:32AM by neverbelieved.

I'm sorry this happened to you. This asshole made your grief worse. It's sexual harassment BIGTIME. Plus you were upset about your boyfriends death. That is Mormonism for you, it's pure evil.

Thank you for your support.

First off. I am offended with you and upset and disgusted that you found yourself treated badly by this Mormon bishop.

Controlling the sexuality of a person is powerful cult control.

You were having your sexuality controlled. You were taught to felt shame for being sexual and you were also taught to allow others to shame you as part of the consequence for acting on your sexuality.

Why did the Mormon bishop do this? Because this is part of the program. He has submitted his sexuality as well. He has been trained since he was a Mormon missionary to ask very personal questions and to pass judgement on the responses.

If you haven't left Mormonism yet, through paperwork, abandonement, and emotional detachment please consider doing so.

You can own your sexuality, perhaps you are already doing so, but Mormonism will not abide a sexually liberated, yet accountable individual in their midst. They will act against such an individual as sexual liberation and cult membership are not compatible.

Best to you. Fre your Mormon bishop if you haven't already done so. Do not hire aother one please. If counseling is needed, please find an educated professional with a good reputation of working withpeople recovering from the abuses of Mormonism.

Also I don't know exactly how you are using the term slut, but hopefully you do not see yourself as a slut. I can't give advice on this matter for you, but if a slut is a woman that enjoys sex and engages in sex at her discretion and pleasure, then slut is a good thing.

I don't get the impression that is how the word slut was being used here though. Sexually happy woman, are usually happy women in many areas of life.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 03:20AM by gentlestrength.

Thanks for your response. I have thought about officially resigning but would love to see someone (a professional) first.

In regards to the slut reference, I definitely don't think I'm a slut. My bishop made it very clear that he thought my number was "too high" for my age, which is why I referenced slut shaming.

It's unfortunate, but I look at that experience as something that sparked my interest in the falseness of Mormonism.

Are you seriously not familiar with the neologism "slut shaming" that, at this point, isn't all that new? She's not calling herself a "slut."

From reading your other posts, I would guess you are way too tuned-in to what's happening in the world to not be familiar with that phrase, so why the covert aggression? Because she hasn't resigned on your timetable?

Not interested in your misogyny. Take it elsewhere.

I am familiar. Done with you.

See last paragraph.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 01:04PM by gentlestrength.

I had a stake pres. try.
It was THIRTY YEARS after my single life ended in marriage!
He wanted all the details.
Sorry dude, I don't remember!

This was the kind of treatment that inspired me to start looking into some things about the church i'd always questioned.

MY husband of 22 years, and my two adult children officially left the church with me. The truth about the one and only true church has set us free.

That SHOULD HAVE been my answer...

"I don't remember.."
"I was too high, drunk, etc."

What would have happened then? :)

Best to you and your future with your family!

Other possible responses might be, "I'm not going to share the details with you," "That's not your business," "I can't believe you just asked me that," or "That's not an appropriate thing for you to ask."

Remember, just because someone asks you a question, doesn't mean that you need to answer it!

That's fine and all, except that you are conditioned from the time you are in Sunbeams to not have boundaries and that you are obligated to tow the corporate line.

Yes, but that's what we're here for. To offer an alternative way of responding.

You think you felt betrayed and humiliated by his questions and his prying. If you try to stand up to a bishop it's only going to escalate and really hit the fan.

This line right here says it all:

"As I left his office, he told me how much The Lord loved me, but how offended he was by me."

Mormon Bishops honestly think they speak for God. He is a "judge in Israel" and all that BS. The ego trip doesn't allow for a young woman to contradict anything he demands. It's a broken system and you have been grossly abused by it.

I'm sickened by what that perve put you through. You're worth so much more than the value the cult puts on you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 12:47PM by koriwhoremonger.

+1

To anyone whom ever "confessed" anything to a bishop. It just confirms your honesty and wanting to "obey", if you see it that way. Maybe if you never did this, you wouldn't be an exmo. Just brainstorming on how to draw something good out of a bad situation. Maybe a confession was a catalyst to becoming an exmo. Anyone see it like this. By the way I never confessed anything to anyone, does it make me a bad person?

Great point. I definitely reflect back to this situation and realize that although this was humiliating at one point, it has led me to a deeper understanding of my own spirituality (not religiousness).

And no, that doesn't make you a bad person! You are just smarter than The rest of us! :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2014 04:09AM by neverbelieved.

It seems like sexual harassment to me as well. No one trains or adequately supervises bishops so they are free to ask whatever intrusive questions they wish. And there is no guarantee of confidentiality, so the bishop felt free to share the "news" with anyone he wished to share it with.

You did nothing wrong. Sex is just sex. It is generally not a harmful activity. It's not the start of WWIII. I agree with the above board member that it would be wise to seek counseling from a certified, non-church sponsored counselor. And please do consider resigning from the church as soon as you are able. Complete directions for how to do so can be found here:

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

This is an excellent website that explains how Mormon programming affects members' self-esteem.

http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, your case is not an isolated incident. It is inquisition de rigueur for bishops across the Morg.

By now, you have undoubtedly realized that you should never, ever confess anything to an LDS bishop. Only bad things can result.

I so admire you for not snitching on your partners and for saying that they were not LDS. That prevents the bishop from running roughshod over other people and ruining their lives. Excellent job!

Does anyone besides me think these guys love to hear all the details because they are living vicariously through their "sinful" members? From the questions OP listed, I think this bishop went home and either tossed one off or went after his wife with all kinds of prurient thoughts of another person's sex life going through his head.

It's sick sick sick.

They totally do. They've gotta have something to spank to once the victim leaves the room.

I probably wouldn't have the guts to do it, but I would have wanted to write to him after I discovered the truth about the Church and said, "Thank you for revealing to me the true nature of this cult, you sick pervert. Thanks to you, I'm outta there for good."

Although you stated you probably would not have the nerve to write such a message. It is a great message and would be most appropriately copied to a superior priesthood authority as well.

Thr Mormon Church follows a corporate hierarchy pecking order. Let the bigger birds hear of the smaller birds deeds so that they can peck on one another. It is one way, a usually good way, to upset the processes of a bad business.

"I guess my question is: why do bishops or bishoprics feel the need to ask these questions? "

Because Mormonism is a creepy sex cult and that's what creepy sex cultists do when they get a little bit of power over someone.

They don't have any power that you don't give them first. Take it back by resigning.

Because there is an attitude to document your "SIN" and keep reminding you of it..over and over and over.

Not just sex, but Mormon leadership is obsessed over sex, but MORESO the sexuality of women.

Good Molly Mormons are ONLY supposed to enjoy SEX with their husbands because he is endowed with his holy Penishood. Good Mormon wives are ONLY to submit to their sexual desires of their husbands needs.

Women/Girls in particular are held at a higher accounability for being alluring or initiating sexual responses or activity.

My TBM ex lost his virginity to a hooker prior to his LDS conversion! He told me he confessed this and because of MY experience (more on that in a min) I asked him if they wanted to know all the details. He said no, he told them he was too drunk to remember.

Side note:Drinking is a sin too, how come they do not ask how many BARS you went to, what brand of Whiskey, how many ounces and who you had a drink WITH? Nope, if your sexual orafices are involved you are in for a BIG discussion.

The ex told me all the details (even when I tried to STOP him!) I told him my own Baptism Interview.

I was 19 and a virgin. I had boyfriends prior to my conversion. When I was interviewed I was asked at least 6 times if I was SURE I did not have sex! I know it was suprising, but I thought he was just shocked, but now looking back I know he WANTED to know DETAILS of my sordid Pre-LDS life. He was sorely dissapointed that there was not one and probably thought I was lying.

How you were treated was OFFENSIVE...TO YOU!!! I am so glad you saw the light, and please know you are NOT the only woman who was treated this way.

RMM

It almost seems as though the bishop was getting his rocks off especially since he kept asking about anal sex. Its quit sickening actually that anyone would want such detailed information when the idea that you were repentant is all that should have mattered. Creepy jerks.

My thought, too. Did the bish start breathing hard and moaning?

Why do bishops always ask if we came? Is there something in the handbook that says someone should get a different type of "punishment" if they orgasmed? Do men get asked this. Each time I confessed something sexually (usually masturbating or french kissing--yes, I thought I was supposed to report french kissing), the bishop (three different ones) asked me if I had come. WTF does that have to do with anything? Why does he need to know how I orgasm for any other reason than monkey spanking? Twice I was asked if I used toys after I confessed to masturbating. I was 18 the first time and I was so naive that I had no idea what the bishop was talking about? Toys? Why would he be asking about toys? I had not even heard of a dildo or vibrator at that time. Are they supposed to ask this?

My opinion is that if your bishop is asking about if "you finished" or anal sex, it is for his own enjoyment only. They are inappropriate questions and even if someones believes in the mormon paradigm and accepts that his or her bishop is their judge in Israel and in the whole mormon repentance process, these questions have nothing to do with this process. They are details that his dirty mind just wants to know.

ThatLittleBriggyWentWeeWeeWee Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "My opinion is that if your bishop is asking about
> if "you finished" or anal sex, it is for his own
> enjoyment only. They are inappropriate questions
> and even if someones believes in the mormon
> paradigm and accepts that his or her bishop is
> their judge in Israel and in the whole mormon
> repentance process, these questions have nothing
> to do with this process. They are details that his
> dirty mind just wants to know."

With them being untrained clergy, this is what I think is their motive. Because of TSCC, they are so deprived of being able to talk about anything sexual they are interested in. They then use their "calling" as a way to gratify their curiosity.

I remember when I used to confess to those Marmin Bishops...

One Sunday, two days after I got home from EFY, I confessed for getting "handjob" aka "heavy petting" from this babe I met during the 2nd dance.

He asked if I had finished. I thought, "hell ya I did." But my response was "I think so"

So he then asked every detail you can imagine regarding the situation.


Since then, I've asked other friends and it turns out that bishops do not HAVE to ask... They ask for details when their spankbank is running low. That is just the reality of Mormonism.

The church is constantly involved in double speak.
We are taught God's love is unconditional yet you and myself and countless others have had love and compassion with held from us from "God's representatives" at times when we've needed it most because they think we've done something wrong. Way to practice what we teach, huh?
The love of the membership is definately conditional.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
My husband always says to me (when I'm disappointed with someone who is LDS), "well what did you expect from someone with made up authority and a made up calling?" These people are just power tripping.
It's hArd to always have the perfect support system you need when tragedy hits or life gets hard. I too have had times in my life when I've turned to the church for comfort in a hard circumstance. I have ALWAYS been disappointed when I've done this. I'm just grateful I've got a real support system now (sounds like you do too).

I was in the bishopric for several years. I hated every minute of it. I do know that Bishops get bored. Then they have a young 21 year old come in wanting to confess, and some Bishops are so curious, but masquerade it as wanting to help you. These guys are not trained therapists, yet are in a role of one. They do more damage then good. What a senseless religion. I hated when Bishops made people feel bad. One time I was interviewing a middle aged lady for a calling. She broke down and said, "I knew this day would come...I have sinned...big time..when my hubby passed away, I slept with several men on (dating site) to deal with my grief I guess. I feel so terrible. I am going to be ex'ed..." Even then I told her not to worry, everything will be fine, you're a good person inside..etc." Her court was awful. To many details being asked. She was crying throughout. I began to put one foot out the door at that point.

Court of love. What a sham. Glad you made it out! Well done.

From personal experience, I think how invasive a bishop is regarding a sexual confession is related to how humble the bishop is. I had to deal with two different personality types when I went through the repentance process. The original bishop I confessed my adultery to was a very humble and loving individual who felt that he represented Christ and thus should show Christ-like understanding, love and forgiveness to those who willing came to him to repent of sins. He did not ask any invasive questions (such as orgasms, positions, anal) but only if my husband was aware of the affair and if the other person was a member of the church. Because I came to him of my own free-will this bishop chose to approach my repentance process as a probationary period instead of a formal "court of love" and did not see the need to disfellowship or excommunicate me.

However, less than a month after confessing, a new bishopric was called and the new bishop was a pompous overbearing controlling bastard. He had to know all of the explicit details...more than likely because his wife is a morbidly obese bitchy cow...and had to show that he was in control of the repentance process. He immediately called for a "court of love" and I could tell he wasn't very happy when they chose to only disfellowship me.

Thanks to this lovely son of a bitch, the seeds of doubt regarding the church were planted. I started researching into the church more while reading the required "The Miracle of Forgiveness". The pompous idiot refused to answer any questions or help with any doubts. Within six months, I no longer believed in the church and stopped attending.

I think if the situation had continued to be handled the way the first bishop was doing it, I would have probably stayed in the church and be TBM today. My eyes would not have been opened to the bullshit of the church. In hindsight though, most bishops I have known fall into the same category of personality as the second bishop and this may be a good thing. It will allow others to see how conditional and un-Christ-like the LDS church is and how truly unforgiving they are towards those who have sinned.

Thankfully there are so many pompous son of a bitches in that alpha-male church. Many leave because of the experience you had. Outside the church, you would have seen a private therapist. She would have help you deal with the emotions - cases closed. No guilt, no humiliation, no nothing. Only a cult punishes.

Experience is the best teacher. What is it they say: There are three ways to learn: Experience, Experience, Experience!

Once stuck with a Mormon bishop in some kind of investigation vendetta, in a closed room, with no support, it's often the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or more accurately, it's the experience that closes all future doors!

When taught that you need to confess and be forgiven to have peace, it's hard to not comply with invasive questioning.

My rule of thumb now, or advice,(after experiencing some bizarre bishop's interviews), is never, ever speak to a bishop about anything personal. Your personal life is personal and it's none of his business. Ever!

Yes, some questioning can be the equivalent of "slut shaming" !
Terrible practice by anyone.

A handjob at EFY? I guess I should have gone to those.

Do Mormons believe that God is omniscient and sees all? Then he oughta know what you're up to. Besides, can you imagine Jesus Christ, Redeemer of the World, asking: "So, did you do it the ass?"

I remember feeling really depressed in high school and one reason is because I masturbated; I talked to an Episcopal priest and he said: "Ha! You think priests don't masturbate!? Don't worry about it, just don't overdo it."