My wife has been pretty depressed recently. She told me that the biggest thing is my unwillingness to share my testimony. However, after learning about stuff similar to the CES letter, etc., I really don't feel a "testimony" and feel very uncomfortable sharing one...

I've tried testing the waters with my doubts but I'm pretty sure this will lead to divorce...so I can't really share my feelings or share what I've learned...

We are reading D&C together now somewhat...and every now and then I point things out...

I've tried to share my feelings on Jesus, his teachings, etc. rather than the BOM, JS, Monson, etc. but it just comes out sounding like an atypical testimony

Background: both RMs, temple marriage, kids, recently escaped Utah for another job (wife was sad, I was ok)

Any advice on how to approach this? If anyone has successfully managed this, please let me know...

- Do I fake it? I'm not too comfortable doing this...
- Do I keep sharing tidbits? My wife won't really listen to perceived anti-stuff
- Do I just break free? Divorce seems like the worst outcome of these three...
- Other options?

I was fortunate and my wife agreed with me when I told her about what I had found in church history - I was petrified that she would not take the news well. So I don't have firsthand experience. That said, I do know of a family where the wife is TBM and the husband is exmo. I don't have the details on how it works out, but I think that they just find some middle-ground and don't dwell too much on the differences. Their relationship seems great.

Can you give some more details on how you've tested the waters so far? You mention that she's depressed... is it because she feels burdened to somehow repair your testimony or something along those lines?

So far the thing that comes to mind is to be honest with her and let her know how much you love her and your children and how you want to be committed on working through this. If she won't read the CES letter, would she be open to reading Rough Stone Rolling (sold at Deseret book and the author is an active member, former SP and current Patriarch). That would at least give her a perspective. If she declines, then I think that it would be fair to ask her to just trust that you know about some very difficult things in church history which causes even the strongest members with logical thinking to leave.

Trying to fake it is only a temporary solution and unless you can live with yourself faking it (at the expense of some honestly/integrity), then you will need to come clean. I tried to fake it and gradually fade from the church instead of leaving at once, but I couldn't do it... the whole experience was very different.

I wish you the very best. This dilemma is what bothers me the most about the church history problems. When I've spoken with church leadership in the past I've asked them to at least walk away from my experience with an open mind for keeping families together instead of suggesting divorce.

Re: Can you give some more details on how you've tested the waters so far? You mention that she's depressed... is it because she feels burdened to somehow repair your testimony or something along those lines?

She saw I was reading some LDS stuff addressing anti-mormon issues and flipped out...suggesting later that "I need to know now whether you're in this or not" and suggesting this be a divorce issue...before we were married, not getting a divorce was the only option so this was new territory for me...

I have also talked about evolution vs. the 6,000 years...talked about blacks in the Priesthood...have even brought up LDS Topics regarding Race and Priesthood but got shut down...she think that this is not what I should read to be a faithful member (and the BOM is the only thing to read)...also have brought up polygamy a little...

I think she is depressed because in her mind life's goal is to prove worthy of eternal life...meaning righteous priesthood holder, etc...so if I'm not strong, then she won't reach this goal she is seeking...she is depressed because sometimes she asks me point blank in front of the kids to share my testimony with them...but it just doesn't feel right and I say I can't really do it on command...that it should come natural...

anyways, sorry if this is too much info, but thanks for the advice...thanks!

Ok, thanks. It sounds like she is trying to re-make you TBM. A forced testimony in front of the kids is probably not a good idea. It's probably best if you both sat down and had a long discussion between the two of you about this. I realize that this may not be easy and she may not be willing, but church stuff aside, you both should be aligned before bringing the kids into it. Non-church counseling would be good, but I realize that it's not always easy to go through with and she would also have to agree. Maybe to help ease her concerns, you can talk with certain rules like not getting into specific issues, but just go over general things.

I agree with dodgeawrench's advice. Take it slow and above all other things, tell her of your commitment to her and that you want to work it out with her. Tell her that you love her and that she has great worth to you.

Hope this helps...

Over years of helping people recognize the errors of their belief systems I have a few words of advice:
LEAD her to a conclusion BUT allow her to be the one who expresses that conclusion.
(You might read up ahead on what you two will be reading together so as to be ready with leading questions that seem to arise naturally out of the reading.)
Also allow her to have the wheels turn inside her head without forcing her to express what you know she has realized.
You don't want to humiliate her.
Best wishes.

I am going through the exact same thing as you are, however we are separated. The one thing I have learned is that you cannot be a threat to her. Threat meaning you can represent what the church defines as a threat, that you are misinformed, you are under satans spell. The best way to combat this is not by lobbing all kinds issues about the church for her to review. The best thing is to simply ask her, do you think I am in Satans Grasp? Do you think that I am questioning these things because I have something to gain? If so, what do you think I have to gain? I do not want to lose my family nor my wife. I am not going down this path simply because I can't handle the temptation. I am seeking truth, and I am open to truth where it is, so as it comes from a credible resource. I have found truth and the credible resource and I would like your support as I take this journey to find out what I do and don't believe. My journey won't threaten you or your lifestyle, it is simply my journey for me to identify and find what I think is truth. I love you and I am hopeful that you can support me in this endeavor.

If your wife is depressed over your unwillingness to share a testimony then I think you've reached a point of no return. It's stay stuck in the mud or progress.

BE true to who you really are. Faking it is not good for you or for your kids. Do you want their lives to be different than yours? Or do you want your kids to suffer as you are doing now? IT is really that simple. They could one day be in your shoes. Do you really think that is good? Adults can freak out or do whatever. Kids need to know where each parent stands and at the right time make their own decision if not able to follow you now.

Perhaps you could tell your wife that. YOU no longer believe but will not influence your kids one way or another. YOU will not encourage them to attend all things Mormon or encourage a mission. YOU will just basically stay out of it but you will answer any questions they may have.

In your position, I'd make time to be with just your wife - perhaps out to a nice dinner. Remind her that you love each other, and why you got married in the first place. Then ask her to hear you out and explain that you don't fully share her religious beliefs anymore (to whatever extent... I assume you probably still believe in some basic guidelines for human behavior--- don't kill, steal, adultery, etc.). Remind her of what you do still share. If you feel so inclined, open up to those bible passages about loving each other in marriage even if you believe differently. Tell her you'll support her in whatever faith path she wants to walk, you don't intend to force your "unbelief" on the kids. Tell her you love her and are committed to her, and your kids. I'd avoid getting into the weeds of "why" you're no longer a believer until the dust settles a little bit... That will only spark arguments. If she asks I'd just say "there'll be plenty of time for us to discuss details like that; right now it'll only make us fight." See what happens.

Sorry, please don't take her to a nice restaurant to have this conversation. It would feel like ambushing, even though I know that isn't the intent.

I agree... don't do this in a public location.

Have you considered spending some time identifying the truths that you do believe? You can bear testimony of those. Perhaps it is what seems to her as being sway by the winds that is her concern: that you no longer stand for anything. That you are pushing against, tearing down, instead of believing in something, building something.

This is what I'll typically do when my wife wants to have family home evening lessons. I don't have a testimony of Christ, but I'll talk about the golden rule, kindness, forgiveness, etc... I won't talk about the church, priesthood, prophets, etc... If your TBM wife wants to freak out about you only focusing on basic Christian teachings, then suggest that the church doesn't focus enough on these things...that all the meetings, temple attendance, etc... are of no worth if they don't help you to BECOME something better...maybe mention that you haven't felt uplifted or inspired to be better through your church meetings in a long time.

Good advice.

I lived your life. I am divorced now although that is not always the path - in retrospect I would not have it any other way. I have seen other couples where they have worked it out and continued in a good/positive marriage.

I pretended to believe for a few years until I got to the point that I felt I could not longer continue that way.

Likewise, I didn't want to bear my testimony and never did despite constant nagging from me then wife to do so. They called me as an elder's quorum president and that put her fears to rest because that obviously meant I was worthy and a believer and such in her tbm mind.

I had to live a disingenuous life with myself and with her and the marriage relationship felt more and more built on a false foundation. Eventually I got to the point where it couldn't continue.

Neither path was easy, but at least the new path while difficult allowed me to be genuine and being to move on and forward in my life. If I had it to do again I would have done it sooner.

My primary advice is do NOT attempt to convert her to your way of thinking and try to make the problem go away by getting her to stop believing - that path can only end badly - knowing you don't believe is enough for her to start questioning if she is ready and willing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/12/2014 12:21PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I did not understand how much honesty and my integrity were at the core of my beliefs until I actually looked in the mirror and tried to say to myself, "I love you". I couldn't look myself in the eyes and say that.

It took some serious introspection and finally, after coming to grips with the things I had found out were untrue the haze of Mormonism began to clear. I was scared to even think it might be false. The TBM tried to convince me that the Devil was starting to control me.

I was depressed. I had believed so strongly. I had made a fool of myself so often spouting the lies and defending the inane. Learning to face myself, and accept myself was a bitter pill to swallow. I got angry and harbored the anger and resentment for years. I became vocal about the misrepresentations that I had been so gullible about. My mental / emotional health went down hill. And it began to affect my physical well being too. It spread out and affected my family members and friends.

After trying anti-depressants, therapists, and medical doctors, I finally came to understand that I needed to live a more authentic life. I needed to embrace honesty and self appreciation. I needed to feel 'worthy' as human being. I needed integrity. I jumped ship and took the plunge.

It was scary but so worth it. I began to feel appreciation and self love. Some friends/family fled from me. I was accused of many things but I was FREE to love myself and live according to what I wanted and felt was best for me, rather than living according to how others thought I should live.

Facing forward into the mirror has helped me stay true to me. I am finally able to experience life without much consideration for what others think of me. I found I am okay with being responsible for my own happiness.

I am not and can not be responsible for the happiness of anyone else. If/when I try, it just drags me down and I become unhappy again. I am committed to being happy and letting others be as they choose. I hope they can find happiness but if they choose otherwise, it no longer becomes my problem. I remain true to me and I choose honesty and integrity for myself. Not my place to try and choose it for others even though they may try to "make" me be the source of their happiness. Enough said.

Gosh, I feel so sorry that you can't share the most intimate thoughts with your wife because she's so TBM. I hate the fact that if you were honest with her she would divorce you. What kind of love is that? I'm so sorry. Its like she's married to the church and it means more to her than you do. I don't know what to tell you to do. I guess you just need to do what you think is best for the time being and see how things go. things will change as time goes by because nothing remains static. Good luck to you.

Staying Married --- This is how I make it work with a believing husband.

As most of you know, my husband of 50+ years died Jan 12, 2013. During much of his declining health, religion was never an topic -it was a non issue. I respected and honored his right to his beliefs and he did the same for me.

Rest here:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1274642,1274642#msg-1274642

I was in nearly the same situation as you. I was able to make it work for about 8 yrs. Eventually the differences became too great as she grew more TBM. The end came when I reached the point where I realized she loved Mormonism more than she loved me.

The biggest lesson I learned out of the whole experience is that real TBMs see rejection of the corp. as a rejection of them personally. She literally could not distinguish the difference, in fact she told me so flat out. I have since discovered this is actually quite common.

I wish you the best of luck.....but prepare for the worst.