Yesterday I helped the RS sisters in the ward I live in to help clean the home of a dear long-time friend who has been away for three years serving in a mission presidency with her husband. The elders quorum was doing a bang up job cleaning up the yard. (The renters had just moved out.) people brought groceries and such so my friend will find her kitchen well stocked.

I cannot say enough good things about this woman. Wherever she goes, she leaves it a better place.

While scrubbing away at walls and wiping down furniture, I enjoyed very much chatting with women I used to see and interact with often. As brainwashed by the cult as they are, most are truly good folk. No one queried me about why I have not been to church in years. Some said quietly that they missed me. The bishop strolled in and greeted me just as a friendly neighbor.

I emailed my friend and said I was looking forward to seeing her again. She emailed back and said she hoped to see me soon after her return and if I was interested, to come hear their report to the ward in a few Sundays.

Part of me wants to attend that sacrament meeting out of love and friendship.

I am conflicted here-- I know damn well if any of theses y ladies really wanted to see me, they know where I live. I also know that when I resign in two years and word gets out ( it will), many will avoid me.

I could never go back. I could never believe again-- but I felt the emotional and social tug yesterday in ways I have not in years. My intellect knows very well what was going on-- but my emotions were irrational.

I am not sure why I am posting my rambles here. I think it time to search out a new cause to give some of my time to.

I know the feeling. The problem is that while these people seem like your friends they are not really your friends. They are pseudo-friends. Real friends accept you for who you are and don't reject you for not wearing the right underwear or when you don't live your life by their standards.


http://www.collegehumor.com/post/3602691/pseudo-friends

Everything you feel is normal, and reasonable.

But the best part is in your last sentence. Search out a new cause to give some of your time to. Doing that changed my life, and my view of life, and my view of myself.

You miss those people because they used to be a huge part of your life. Now, you are in control over what the next "huge part of your life" will be. The world around you is filled with wonderful things to be involved in. And pretty much all of them need people who will become involved and help keep things working well. It's the best way to meet new people and find new friends --- who will be real friends --- the kind who seek you out where you live, just because they like you.

This question is a big grey area that will elicit a full spectrum of opinion. For me, I made it clear to my TBM family and friends that I would support them on big events like baptisms, mission farewells/returns. I would do this for any family/friend regardless of their religion (or lack). I can sympathize with you because it can be awkward or even painful to sit through church meetings after you know the truth. But as for me personally, I would be there for them.

Mnemonic makes a point that many of these folks aren't real friends. That may be true in many cases. For me, I have a few TBM folks who I would still consider as friends. You are probably the best judge on each case by case situation.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2014 01:53PM by exodus.

While these friends won't love you as Christ did his friends because their salvation depends on keeping you at arm's length, they need friends too. Maybe you can show them how true friends act. After all, the sick need a physician even when they are convinced that they are the physician.

I had a woman who was my VT after I went inactive. She is still my friend. She feels marginalized by Mormons, though she is about as TBM as anyone I know.

Many of my neighbors are very kind to me.

There are still those who want to fellowship me, but usually they are ones who don't know me very well.

I guess I've been lucky that way. The last bishop was a pain, but the current bishop is a friend.

I have attended funerals of ward members. That is about all.

Some come by. Most of them stop to talk if I'm in the yard or walking. This ward is A LOT different than any ward I've ever lived in.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2014 02:09PM by cl2.

But there's always those pesky strings. If your friend who is coming back home really cares about you the same way, she will make time to spend a few minutes to visit with you, one on one, to catch up and give you a synopsis. Not this "come to church and hear my speech, or you'll never hear about it" crap. She may view your friendly request as a missionary opportunity. It sounds like you have no intention of ever stepping foot into church again, so stick to your integrity and don't let them reel you in.

Spending your energy in charitable pursuits outside of the taint of Mormonism will give you the same sense of satisfying giving, giving what you desire, and meeting like-minded people who don't value you for how you believe or what ego-boosting activation project you are. They more than likely will show you mutual respect and like you just the way you are.

And you also stated it well. They know damn well where you live. You haven't moved. If they truly did miss you, why can't they call you up and arrange a get together? Someone else posted some time ago explaining to his child that when they quit going to church, it will be like they are moving cross country, but without actually moving. I think you see that very clearly and it is an insulting or childish way to treat someone.

Good riddance.

May you find a new more accepting community where authenticity is just natural, and exchanging opinions and ideas is no cause for disciplinary action.

Thanks. I appreciate your comments.

Are all your neighbors mormon ? Is it a small town? If you stay do need some commonality, in every day life & you do deserve connection but without criticism

However if youre surrounded by non members then perhaps possibly its time to change some of your interests

I think Your strategy depends on where you are

& no on lays it on as thick as friends in the cult
But i think you meant your returning friend was real with you and you want her back. See if shell drink pepsi or hot cocoa while you enjoy a cup of sweet tea without critisizing you.

When shes home invite her to go shopping or to an electronics or book store take her out to lunch- and start the morning with your travel cup filled with home made coffee- as she sips diet cola you politely sip your cofee/ put them in the vehicle cup holders between you as you drive. Test her limits love & tolerance teach her how to treat you / test it- see if she is recylable reliable retrsinable & on going authentic friendship is sttsinable

Because she is worth it & you find her valuable
Because you are worth it

But no dont put the underware back on snd scurry around carrying diet soda at dawn to travel with her- her love should accomodate you, you just politely sccomodate her back inyo your schedule: she is lucky you would make room for her, shes the friend thst went away not you. The returning friend has to accomodate ways her friend has grown !

If they left you because you left TSCC they were not really friends.

It's kind of painful to be an outsider to a group where you used to be an insider. The same phenomena happens when you quit a job and then have an occasion to see the "old gang." The reason it's the same is because they're friendly, but not your friends. It's an enforced friendship rather than an organic one.

You're feeling the opposite of shunning. They are being nice to you because--from their perspective--you are turning back in that direction. That's how they are going to interpret seeing you helping in one of their projects for one of their people. That's what "we miss you" means: "it could be like this all the time..." Don't make your decisions based on how people treat you at special times--base them on how they treat you normally.

Doing anything at the ward house will send a message that you're easy pickings for going back.

Hi Utah County Mom

I know the feeling...there were a lot of good people in church. When I left, I lost most of my friends there.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Did any of these friends call you to go to lunch? Did any of them invite you over to meet a new grandchild? Did any of them call just to chat? Did any of them call to ask your advice about a problem they were facing?

That's what friend's do.

You are missing the joy of doing good things as part of a group. Join habitat for humanity and build houses, volunteer at a local school or food bank......



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2014 08:27PM by caedmon.