I'll try to keep this relatively brief--after I left the church, I realized I was gay. After being in denial for a while, I got involved in a really intense, closeted relationship with a woman who was physically and sexually abusive (she had substance abuse issues). Partly because of the abuse and partly because she was one of the only other gay people I knew and I was deeply ashamed of my sexuality, I stayed with her. When I left, I was emotionally and physically damaged. I moved back in with my family for a short time (I had to quit my job to get away from her), but they would make homophobic comments and tell me it was my fault for staying with her, so I sought an escape.

Against my better judgment, I jumped into another relationship, and ended up marrying the woman. I was screwed up at that point--no nice way to put it. I was not a good partner; I was angry, jealous, probably emotionally abusive. I didn't trust her or anybody. She had many issues of her own (past abuse, PTSD, anger issues, etc.), but I feel that it was more my fault, at least in the beginning. I was broken and so was she and I couldn't believe someone could love me and make promises to me. I felt sick and dirty and cruel inside and I acted accordingly.

She ended up leaving me (abruptly and without warning) and I was suicidal over it. By that time, I had significantly improved my behavior for many months, but it was too late. Now I am in a much healthier place, have gotten counseling for the trauma, dealt with my self-hatred over being gay, etc. But I still don't have her. It's been two years and I can't love anybody else. I date, a lot, and have plenty of interest. People have even told me they were in love with me, but I've never been able to start a committed relationship or even head towards one. It always stops at a certain level and I detach. I still love her and I feel she was the one and I am deeply broken. I blame myself and I feel that I'll always be punished for what I did, because that was my chance at at love. I can't feel anything for anybody else beyond friendship and attraction. I feel like I have nothing left in terms of romantic desire, even though all I've ever wanted was to marry and have a serious, long-term love. I don't feel like it's a possibility for me anymore no matter how much someone wants or cares for me.

Is this normal? How can I deal with this?

My first thought would be that you are still pushing people away, but not in the bad ways you used to, it's just coming out in a different way.

Said from my armchair, with no credentials, based on this tiny snippet you have written.

I do hope you find love and let love in.

She had many issues and you did to so the short answer is you need more therapy probably with a different therapist.

Let love in.........

tevai Wrote:
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> Let love in.........

let it in, let it in, let love sweep you away. <3

hello Wrote:
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> tevai Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > Let love in.........
>
> let it in, let it in, let love sweep you away. <3

:) :) :)

maryquitecontrary Wrote:
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> I can't feel anything for anybody else beyond friendship and attraction.

I would give it time. Friendship combined with attraction is a great start to a relationship. I would look for people who are emotionally healthy, or mostly so. IMO you need models in your life of emotionally healthy behavior.

First of all, there is no "one." It's a romantic notion, but reason tells us there are probably a number of people whose personalities would meld well with our own. Finding one is a matter of luck and timing.

This love of your life fell for you when you were not healthy. This is not a good sign. The old joke is that your neuroses meshed, but obviously they didn't since even your mutual dysfunctions couldn't keep it together. She made a step away from you towards a more healthy life. If you love her, you must respect that and wish her well.

It is a grieving process like a death to lose a loved one through your own fault. My sister no longer speaks to me. She knew my Mormon self, which was apparently so awful she no longer speaks to any of my children either. Many times I've wished that she could know how different I am now, but in my heart I know it is too late. Her mind is closed to me and I can't blame her.

Even though we have changed and become healthier, we still have the karma from what we have done in the past. I'd advise you to let her go through a conscious process. As Gwyneth Paltrow (the great philosopher) said, "We are going through conscious uncoupling."

There is no one way to do this but I'll share with you my favorite. I write down everything good I can remember I did in the relationship. Then everything I regret, with all the details. No fair writing "That day at the beach." Even though this is just or you, include the details. You will cry, but that's the point. Get it out and don't worry if you repeat things and if it takes weeks to get it all out.

Now write down how you would have handled those situations today. What you wish you would have said or did. As much as you can remember without referring to notes.

Now close the book and take it to the nearest barbecue pit or bonfire area at the beach. Burn it and as it goes up in the sky, visualize your relationship going up there too, into the Great Unconscious to add to the wisdom of your life and to other lives as you share your experiences.

Nothing so healing as seeing something painful going up in smoke.

Best of luck to you, honey, you are going to do much better in the future. Your heart will unfold naturally as your fear of never finding anything better goes away and you focus on the reality of a fulfilling life without a life partner.

It could happen, you know. Whether or not you "find someone," by being the most open, developed, creative fulfilled person YOU can be will lead to a wonderful life.

Best

Kathleen Waters

It doesn't sound like it's only the OP's fault, but otherwise I agree with you.

I was deeply in love with a woman once but it didn't work out. I met another and loved the one I was with. Then the first one, her marriage fell apart and I left my wife of 20 years to be with her.

I had never heard of such a thing, I mean nobody warned me of this possibility, that my heart could be repossessed like a freaking car because the original owner wanted it back and it never was mine to give away.

So, after almost a quarter century, I finally held my one true love. It's like Forrest Gump finally getting Jenny. Some people don't believe in "the one", but she was always my "the one".

People will try to tell you're broken because your heart doesn't have an "off" button. How do you know they aren't the ones who are broken?

All you can do is get on with life and give this other person time. If it's meant to be, it will happen. But you can't spend your time waiting because that's like watching a pot boil.

Bradley Wrote:
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> ...So...I finally held my one true love. It's like
> Forrest Gump finally getting Jenny. Some people don't
> believe in "the one", but she was always my "the one".

This is a beautiful story, Bradley.

I'm very grateful that you posted it here...and I am very deeply glad for both of you. :)

I wonder if Bradley's first wife (the jilted one) would call it a "Beautiful Story".

I'm with Kathleen (above). There is no "one".

Life is about learning to love others, about letting go of the past, and not fretting about the future. I'm a bit OCD, so it's hard for me to do both. But I'm trying. I've hurt many, and been hurt by many, in my life. Every day I try to be better, and love better, and forgive better, and apologize better, and empathize better. It's a work in progress.

I would recommend, outside looking in, that the OP continue to see a decent therapist to work through her own issues and distortions. It sounds to me like she hasn't learned to love herself, and hence, her difficulty loving others. It sounds like she needs to learn to be at one with herself, to be at peace with the world, to be more accepting of "what is", as opposed to "what if".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/17/2014 04:55PM by schlock.

Yeah, how beautiful is this story really?!

Self acceptance is a complicated process, especially for gay people raised in the Mormon cult.

It can take longer than we expect.

There are all sorts of mental traps that we can fall into.

The relationship with the woman who left you was not healthy.

She has done you a favor by ending it in an adamant way.

You may be using that inappropriate and unavailable relationship to avoid finding one that is healthy.

Take anagrammy's advice.

There is no "One" person for you. (And if there was [which there isn't!] she wouldn't be the one anyway).

Keep meeting new women!

Don't fall into those Mormon relationship paradigms.

Date for fun.

Fool around.

Don't enter your dates with the question "is this the "one"?

Again. Remember that there is no "One" person for you!!

THIS!!!

marymc - I'm so sorry you're going through heartache. As another exmo lesbian, I bear my testimonkey that the biggest mindfork the church plays on us is this "worthiness" crap. We are given all this out of proportion guilt over anything to do with sex, especially gay issues. Women get an extra dose of BS over sexual "sin", because we girls are supposed to just play goalie for the boys, it's not as if we have any desires of our own (sarcasm meter alert - Hey, wouldn't that just make us sexual objects?) So after years of hearing that sinners never prosper, of course a lesbian exmo is going to have hardwired in her head that if she loves a woman she's going to fail, and she's already unworthy, so she doesn't deserve to be treated with love and respect. Fork that shift! What does that BS cult know about it? You deserve love and respect. Demand it now, starting with yourself. Don't let your inner critic be a bench. Shut her up and be kind to yourself.

Two years is a reasonable (and for many people, a minimal) amount of time to get ready to really commit to a new love. Learning and growth take time. Healing takes time. Figuring out what you really want takes time.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself, and don't beat yourself up for not being ready for a new partner. When you are really ready, you'll see that there really are good, lovable people out there, trustworthy and all.

Some of us are slow, some are fast. I imagined that I should be ready for a new love way too soon after my Big Relationship ended. I saw myself as someone who was designed by nature to be in a partnership. As time went on, I realized how valuable the time I have on my own can be. (It helps hugely if you are active in some kind of positive things in your community, by the way --- that's one of the ways that you learn to grow as an individual. And, in time, one of the best ways to meet other good people.)

I'm in my third year on my own, and I am amazed at how much I've learned and how much I now appreciate begin with myself. I'm really only now feeling like I am at the right point to get deeply serious about another person.

If you learn to be a happy person on your own, your chances of being happy with someone else will be much greater.

I agree that you need to put less presure on your dating. If you need to, let your dates know that you want to take things slow.

Interesting point; you say you were abusive to her and then after you started being better, she left.?. Sounds like she has issues of her own. Personally I would probably write a very loving, yet super honest letter to her about how you feel. And if you do get back together, take it slow. Don't just jump back in. Start over, as if it's a new relationship.

Maybe for now just take some time away from relationships, and try to see what joys you can find, and appreciate them.

Good luck

That's what I thought, too. Sounds like this person had her own problems.

It sounds like you need to continue working on yourself in preparation for the love that is still coming. I think it is about you not being ready right now, not about you never having another chance at love. This doesn't mean stop dating - in fact continuing to date is probably an important part of the process of preparing.