My husband went off on a diatribe about our kids. He feels like a failure sonce our three oldest didn't do missions. Two are moved out and doing fine one is an adult living at home and has decided to start UVU next semester. We have two more that aren't 'missionary age' yet. He has told them that they need to go on missions or they are going to be kicked out. I have told him, our bishop has told him that compulsion isnt a way to convince anyone of anything, but he feels the bishop never should have got his position and that i am just worldly. To him all our kids are basically sh!+. He is ashamed of his family. I dont know how much of this is church vs. him just being a controlling guilt tripping a-hole. I am trying hard to treat the church on my terms, but i feel like edicts such ad 'every worthy male must serve a mission' sends unstable people over the edge. But, maybe he'd be over the edge anyway, he finds things to complain about that are not church related too . A generally miserable person.

OMG he is cracking.

This is not a bad thing for you, unless you are a TBM...which sounds like you spit out the kool-aid at some point.

Sadly, your husband has the "jewels in my crown" syndrome. His children are a reflection of him, the reward he is entitled to, as promised, due to his faithfulness.

This dehumanizing of children into service awards is yet another form of his own diminished role as free labor for a corporation. No god worthy of the title would treat children as if their free choice made them worthless.

Not even in Mormondumb. Your hubby has jumped the shark here for sure and may need you to nudge him back on The Good Ship Lollipop. Get the manual and give him the lesson on how God chose Jesus' plan of FREE AGENCY. There can be no free agency if there is compulsion/punishment for choices made not in alignment with one's own wishes (or the church's for that matter).

Maybe it will get him thinking about (first) his own inconsistency and (second) that the church is not in alignment with support of free agency by excommunicating people for wrong-think.

Best to you - you sound so normal.


Kathleen Waters

His behavior will only drive everyone away and leave him a lonely old man.

Thank you for the responses. It feels good to hear for once that all the emotional trouble isn't my fault for being soft or worldly.

I'm so grateful I married a man that understood that our children could not be forced to do church related things. He never took it personally if any of them made a different decision than he did. Neither did I. Love and acceptance was always unconditional.

I don't know who these people are or that take their religion to such fanatically personal levels. It's certainly not an emotionally, secure person.

I wouldn't have a clue how to deal with that kind of problem.
It won't bring him any happiness. He needs to learn to let go of his issues. Somehow he missed the principle of: agency, and the 11th Article of Faith.

Mormons hate it when the free agency thing bites them in the ass. Keep your lines of communication open with your kids--they need to know that at least one of their parents loves them unconditionally.

Ish Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Mormons hate it when the free agency thing bites
> them in the ass. Keep your lines of communication
> open with your kids--they need to know that at
> least one of their parents loves them
> unconditionally.


My thoughts echo this. Let them know that you support them, no matter what.

This is a sad situation, but probably all too common in mormonism.

From your husband's perspective, he might be feeling like a failure since he's seeing everybody else's sons going on missions, but none of his want to. He probably doesn't understand what he's doing wrong, but in my opinion, if his kids aren't going on missions, then he's doing it right, even if he doesn't realize it now!

It's good you've got the Bishop on your side. He sounds like a good guy, and he's right, forcing your kids to go on missions isn't the correct way.

The mission here will be getting your husband to be okay with his sons not serving missions. Tell him that Thomas S. Monson (and various other Apostles and GAs) didn't serve a mission. Tell him that you can still go to the Celestial Kingdom and be sealed together as a family without going on a mission. Tell him about all the boys who go on missions and then leave the church. He needs to realize a mission isn't the be-all and end-all, and with all the pressure the church puts on people to do them, it is still optional... technically.

At this point, with all the patience I've shown. With the compromises and things I've agreed to for the sake of keeping the peace. I realize he's run over me in almost every disagreement. He makes unilateral decisions and then plays the victim that he is not getting 'support'. He wants my compliance, he doesn't really care what I think . I think its the same with the kids.

This is a sad report MDW. I hope some changes can come to your family before more damage is done. Your story is a perfect example of how mormonism does indeed damage families and in a way that makes it seem like the individuals are causing the damage by disobedience. Your husband, while responsible for his behavior, has been programmed to behave this way by the mormon system. All of you, while otherwise fine human beings, are being made to feel horrible because your sons can think for themselves and have determined a path different than the one the church has prescribed.

Keep reaching out for help. If possible, discuss this with a non-mormon therapist.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2014 12:03PM by jefecito.

Yes, a non-mormon thearpist. Be prepared for their disbelief at your situation and the years you have endured. It took me a few months to believe that I had spent decades in a controlling relationship abetted by a cult.

Mormonism: It makes good men bad, and bad men worse.

(Sarah Pratt, ex-wife of apostle Orson Pratt, once said this of polygamy.)

Without knowing thr genuine reasons the young men, sons, did not serve Mormon missions, I will romantacize.

Congratulations for raising young men bold, brave, and clever enough to recognize a cult fraud and exit in early adulthood without passing it on to others in spite of an overbearing parent and society that demands voluntary missionary service and offers shunning and shame for not complying.

Well done on raising young men of character.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2014 12:24PM by gentlestrength.

Your comment actually teared me up. Praise for my kids independent thinking is not something I ever hear. My husband goes on about the standard path a lot. (Baptism, mission, temple marriage). He says thats all he wants. But, really thats like everything. To do all that just to make someone happy is IMO unreasonable.

Ugh, sorry MonkeyDanceWatcher. This sounds rough. I notice my DW doing a little of the same already. Making comments how the kids are just going to follow me and leave the church and it seems like she is taking it as a personal attack on her.
Wish you luck in this! Maybe he just needs some time and then he will calm down, I hope.

What a miserable old fart. Anything else I write would involve many expletives.

The situation reminds me of a card I saw, it had a 1950s photo of a mother and daughter putting flowers on a grave. Over the head of the little girl are the words "why do daddies die before mommies?" The mothers response "Because it is a good idea".

Your children are lucky to have a parent who wants what is best for THEM. You recognize they are separate human beings who will find their own path. Take pride in what you have accomplished...raising responsible children who make their own decisions. There is nothing better you could give them. Job well done!!

Your hubby reminds me of how my dad parented. Control freak is putting it mildly. I'm sure you have your reasons for staying married to him.

My dad discounted every thought and word his wife (my mom) or any of us kids had. To get anywhere when he was being unreasonable, my mom had to quietly enlist priesthood authority. Maybe the stake president could intervene? Most church leaders don't want kids kicked out for noncompliance. It doesn't always work. I'll never forgive the bishop that told my mom if she were more submissive things would be better. If my mom were any more submissive, we would have been abused to the point of injury. I hope he has some redeeming qualities.

Dorothy Wrote:
> My dad discounted every thought and word his wife
> (my mom) or any of us kids had. To get anywhere
> when he was being unreasonable, my mom had to
> quietly enlist priesthood authority. Maybe the
> stake president could intervene? Most church
> leaders don't want kids kicked out for
> noncompliance. It doesn't always work.

^^^That's what I was thinking, too. If he doesn't like the bishop get someone with a p*nis, I mean priesthood, to talk to him. I certainly wouldn't do that, but it seems like a very mormon way of resolving an issue as sensitive as this.

It sounds as if your husband gets his way a lot. Kudos to you for picking this battle and sticking up for the kids. They will never forget the way you're there for them right now. It seems to me that a wife will put up with a lot more from her husband than a mother can from the father of her kids.

Good luck!

this is a typical cult reaction to anything not subordinate to the paradigm of the cult.

I can tell, MonkeyDanceWatcher, that you see what is going on, otherwise you wouldn't have that name.

Narcissism runs rampant thru the Church.

I'm sorry that you are one of those surrounding it who must suffer from its effects.

I read the website link posted on RFM yesterday, Narcissism at Work, and realized that I had also been married to a narcissist.

It truly sucks to live in that situation.

Keep close to your children and teach them correct principles.

Sounds like he's reaping what he sowed.

I wonder what Don Bagley would say about this.