This was shared a few years ago and since somebody thinks it should be shared... so, here goes. Laughs and comments welcome.
(moremany)

This was an awesome editorial in the Provo newspaper that everyone should read!

QUIT THE CHURCH

In a local newspaper in Provo, Utah, there had been an ongoing series of articles written by individuals who wanted to persuade LDS Church members to leave the Church. In response to the highly critical and spirited remarks, a local member wrote this rebuttal:

Editor:

I have been thinking of quitting the Mormon Church. Yes, if I can, I am going to get even with that church. As soon as I can find another church that teaches about the Gathering of the House of Israel; the return of the Ten Tribes and their mission; the return of the Jews to Palestine and why, and how they are going to build the temple; the building of temples and what to do with them; the mission of Elias, the prophet, as predicted by Malachi; the method for the salvation of the people that died at the time of Noah in the flood; the complete explanation of why Jesus of Nazareth had to have a mortal mother but not a mortal father; the explanation of the three degrees of glory (three heavens) as mentioned by Paul; the complete explanation of why Elias and Moses did not die but had to be translated (since they both lived before the resurrection was introduced by Christ); the restoration
of the gospel by modern revelation as promised by Peter and Paul and Jesus himself; the belief in eternal marriage and the family, and the knowledge and the place to seal for eternity; that teaches abstinence from all harmful drugs and foods; and that sells the best fire insurance policy on earth, for the last days, for only a 10th of my income.

Yes sir, as soon as I can find another church that teaches all that, or even half as much, I will say good-bye to this Mormon Church. The church that I am looking for must also be able to motivate 50,000+ youth, and adults, for the first, second or third time, to leave their homes for two years at their own expense and go too far-away places to teach and preach without salary. It must be able to call, on a frosty day, some 5 or 6 thousand professors, students, lawyers, doctors, judges, policemen, businessmen, housewives and children to go and pick apples at 6 a.m. It must be able to call meetings and get the attention for two hours of more than 150,000 men. Yes, it must also teach and show why salvation is assured for children who die before eight years of age.

Mr. Editor, could you help me find a church that teaches all that and more than hundreds of other doctrines and principles, which I have no room to mention here, and which bring solace and comfort to the soul; peace, hope, and salvation to mankind, and above all, that answers the key questions that all the great philosophers have asked; questions and answers that explain the meaning of life, the purpose of death, suffering and pain; the absolute need for a Redeemer and the marvelous plan conceived and executed by Jesus Christ the Savior?

Yes, as soon as I find another church that teaches that, and also that has the organization and the powers to make that teaching effective, I am going to quit the Mormon Church. For I should not tolerate that "they" should change a few words in the Book of Mormon-even if those changes simply improve the grammar and the syntax of the verses-for, after all, don't you think the Divine Church should employ angels as bookmakers, and clerks, to do all the chores on earth? Don't you think, Mr. Editor, that the Divine Church should also have prophets that don't get sick and don't get old and die, and certainly, that don't make a goof here and there. No, sir! A Divine Church should be so divine that only perfect people should belong to it, and only perfect people should run it. As a matter of fact, the Church should be so perfect that it should not even be here on earth!

So, I repeat, if any one of the kind readers of this imperfect letter knows about another church that teaches and does as much for mankind as the Mormon Church, please let me know. And please do it soon, because my turn to go to the cannery is coming up. Also, "they" want my last son (the fifth one) to go away for two years and again, I have to pay for all that. And I also know that they expect me to go to the farm to prune trees, and I have heard that our ward is going to be divided again, and it is our side that must build the new chapel. And also, someone the other day had the gall of suggesting that
my wife and I get ready to go on a second mission, and when you come back, they said, you can volunteer as a temple worker.

Boy, these Mormons don't leave you alone for a minute. And what do I get for all that, I asked? "Well," they said, "for one, you can look forward to a funeral service at no charge!"... Do you think you can help me to find another church?
T. D. C.

This guy ( it sounds like a man) couldn't find his head if it was in his hat. He Apparently doesn't care to learn the truth... Oh yeah he thinks he's already found it.

M@t



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2014 09:15PM by moremany.

Is that a real letter they printed or a parody!?

It was probably someone's senior thesis.

TBM letter (did anybody actually see this in the paper?) circulated in an email a while back.

Did You read the part about the church being so perfect it wouldnt need to be on the earth.
Clearly what he meant is we should be so perfect we wouldn't need the crutch.

andWEr

M@t



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2014 08:48PM by moremany.

Did anyone else receive this in an email from a TBM in 2009? It makes them feel so good. So ridiculous. I didn't respond but someday may feel like it. Generally, like the church, it is just a big waste of time.

I got one from my bishop about 5 years ago or so. It must have been making the rounds.

moremany Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...the return of the Jews to
> Palestine and why, and how they are going to
> build the temple......

Is this for real?

Mormons want "the" temple (in Jerusalem--the one the Romans destroyed two thousand years ago) REBUILT???

On the Temple Mount?

Where Al Aqsa (the third holiest site in Islam) now sits? [This would, inevitably, start a really nasty, and probably prolonged, war in the Middle East, too...is THIS what Mormons want???]

WHY???

Just so Jews can start slaughtering thousands and thousands of animals again???

Why do Mormons care???

And--more importantly--why do they want the animal slaughters to start up again?

Jews have gone WAY beyond killing animals as a means of worship (just like the surrounding peoples don't burn babies alive anymore, either!!!), but (with a minor exception or two) killing animals is the ENTIRE reason that the temple was constructed in the first place!

It was a SLAUGHTERHOUSE!!!

What benefit would a rebuilt Jewish temple be to MORMONS???



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2014 09:48PM by tevai.

RLDS teaches all that, don't they? Plus, they were the actual church led by Joseph Smith's actual seed

If I wanted a church with financial transparency, I wouldn't even need to consider the lds church. End of argument.

I have too much Mormon blood in my veins to be impressed with Mormon virtues.

Okay. That's funny.

He forgot quite a few other super awesome doctrines only available at the one and only cojcolds...

Neato Fraternity handshakes to get into the super vip heaven
Kolob is awesome
God changed his mind about black people!
No way if you are gay
Wooden submarines are great
Monogamy was the downfall of rome (BY in JOD)
Mormon guilt! Making Jewish and Catholic guilt look mild since 1830
Highest depression, yay!
Misogyny is what god was going for

So many more, feel free to add. And btw, just reading part of that article made my recovery regress by about 2 years.

Free Funerals.
Ha, in exchange for advertising and family seperation.

My dad died 3 years ago. He was Catholic, but did not practice. I had his funeral at my parish. The funeral ministry had a buffet ready for everyone after the mass (no charge). The priest met with me twice beforehand to be sure that the service would be a good and respectful tribute to his life. We did pay the organist and the cantor for their services; I think $50 each. They are both professionals that re-arranged their schedules and practiced the music. All this for a man that was not a registered parishioner.

If only he had been looking for a church that encouraged people to help those in need, to be kind to others and generally just be a good person.

But no, he wants the total package, a mind-control cult that puts corporate values above human decency and controls every aspect of his life down to his underwear.

O well, plenty of those too...

But TBMs can be funny and not know it.

Honestly, it reads like a joke, a parody. Surely it is a clever put-down.

This letter (or one very much like it) has been circulating among the Mormons for years. A long time ago (5, 6 years?) it appeared in an Arizona paper under a man's name. The paper was inundated with inquiries about the man's identity. The paper finally admitted that they had been had, that the man of that name did not write the letter. They finally had to have a supply of form letters printed to send out, to quell the interest in the hoax.

He forgot to include,

"Where can I find a church that will require me to bow my head and say Yes?"

"Where can I find a church that allows me to have as many wives as I want as long as I am worthy?"

"Where can I find a church that does not allow women to wear pants or speak about current issues or hold the priesthood?"

Where can I find a church that has never fed the homeless in their fully stocked kitchens?....ever. (and has lame parties instead).

Where can I find a church that won't let me attend my own daughter or son's wedding unless I give them 1/10th of my paycheck every month for the rest of my life. (awesome deal).

He forgot to add he wishes he could find a church that allowed him to choke his chicken... and not have to feel guilty about it and get beat for it over and over again.

I will gladly teach all those things and more for only 9% of your gross income. For I have learned that humans will believe what they want to believe regardless of truth and they also love a bargain.

By the way, none of the virtuous characteristics mentioned is in the bom; funny it's not even mentioned, or the other scriptures, for that matter!

he forgot to ask the audience:
"find me a church who can enslave you more with guilt and pressure to do what they want...find me a church who tell you that gay people are evil more than the mormon church..find me a church who does not require 10% of your hard earned money like we do, while the 15 enjoy all the privileges of a wealthy business man.."

i can go on for hours on end ..

Uh, I was rolling my eyes during the first sentence. Couldn't stomach the whole thing. I hate that style; snark cloaked in righteousness.

Assuming this writer is sincere, it seems that they relish in having answers and the fact that the LDS Church has them. It doesn't matter if the questions for those answers are relevant to 21st century life (I mean the gathering of the 10 tribes is the top of my list of concerns every morning), or whether those answers can withstand the meanest level of scrutiny.

No.

It is just super dooper that they are there to be had.

Ugh.

He lists virtually all the doctrines that those other churches have issues with and which place Mormonism outside the fellowship of conventional Christian churches.

Where can I find a church with Cumoms and Cureloms!