I am young and very recently separated from my jack mo husband with 100% intent to divorce. I found out I am pregnant for the first time and I'm still in a bit of shock and disbelief. It feels like a horrible nightmare or sick joke. I don't want to go back to him. I have drank while pregnant almost everyday before I knew and I worry about how that would affect the baby. I don't want to have an abortion obviously but I could because I certainly don't want children. Abortion has been in my thoughts if I don't miscarry. I would not object to a miscarriage at all and have looked into remedies. My husband loves kids and wants one desperately. He would be violently enraged and beyond disappointed if he were to find out I was pregnant and did anything to jeopardize it. I guess I just need support because I can and have only one person to tell that understands and I need to know this part of my life will pass and everything will be okay.It is hard to imagine that had we not had a fight a few weeks ago that I would be stuck in a marriage and having a baby and it has been a lot of change at once but a pregnancy added to the mix after getting seperated takes the cake. Insane and so weird.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 07:53PM by Susan I/S.

I, too, was in a very bad situation like that 10 years ago. My junkie ex knocked me up (sometimes I think on purpose) and I had to make that choice. I was strung out on drugs and booze at the time, so I knew the right choice was to terminate the pregnancy. It was hard, only because I never wanted to be in that situation, but I don't regret making that choice.

If you don't want a surgical abortion and but still want to terminate the pregnancy, look into RU-486 or other possible chemically induced abortions. I hear it feels much less invasive.

I hope you decide on a choice that gives you peace, whatever it is.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 07:43PM by Itzpapalotl.

What a terrible position to be in. You will be the one to live with the results of whatever choice you make, so whatever you do, do not let anyone else guilt, shame, or otherwise force you to do something you aren't willing to live with. Seek advice, but make this decision yourself.

Also, I'm sending good vibes and ((hugs)).

Let the baby live.

" do not let anyone else guilt, shame, or otherwise force you to do something you aren't willing to live with."

The above post would be one example.

A fertilized egg is a baby in the same sense that a set of blueprints is a house. At some point in the construction process, a builder will see the project as a house, and not just a set of instructions for a house. Same with an embryo. At some point it is not just DNA instructions for a baby, it is a baby.

Different people will draw that line at different times in a pregnancy, but most people do not draw that line at the very beginning of the pregnancy.

Find a good councillor, and give it your best shot on making a good decision. That's all any of us ever do anyway, and that's on a good day.

Good luck.

Abortion is so tough because we don't know when a fetus becomes a person. You may believe that a fetus is not a person, but many people believe that it is.

You cannot tell someone else what to do with their life. What she believes about her pregnancy should not be colored by other people's political opinions one way or the other.

I am anti-abortion but pro-choice. I think abortion is wrong, but I think everyone has the right to make that decision.

A fertilized egg is not a zygote.
A zygote is not a fetus.
A fetus is not a baby.

Whatever else you may think about abortion, the equivalency of saying that a positive pregnancy test means the mother is carrying a baby is simply false biologically.

Ask yourself, if you were in a burning building with a tray full of petri dishes containing 100 fertilized eggs and one 2 day old infant and you could only save either the tray or the infant, which would you walk out with?

A fetus is more like a seedling than a seed. Comparing a fetus to a petri dish is like comparing an egg in your fridge to an egg sitting under a hen.

Exactly.

I am so sorry that you are in this position.


Is adoption a possibility?

No, not at all.

Not that "no" isn't a full answer, but the baby would have a biological father that would want it and fight for it. He would not allow for it to be given away.

Just because abortion is legal doesn't mean it is not killing a person.

The state allowing abortion doesn't mean go ahead abort when pregnancy is inconvenient, it just means you get to use your own conscience to decide when life begins.

If your belief is that life has already begun and the pregnancy is a person, then I would suggest against an abortion.

That's absurd. Of course abortion is not killing a person.

Legal personhood is acquired at birth.

A Canadian couple who conceives a child while on vacation in Florida cannot claim U.S. Citizenship for their child.

You know your situation better than anybody.

Do not let anyone guilt you into a decision that is not right for you.

Oh, what a difficult situation to be in. It must seem to be very confusing and probably frightening.

I am into the senior citizen range, now, and in my youth, they hadn't realized that drinking alcohol during pregnancy might cause problems. So it was commonly done. Most pregnancies were not significantly harmed by moderate drinking, so please don't feel too worried about that (assuming that you were not drinking constantly).

If you do not want to have an abortion, look into pregnancy aid organizations in your area. Some are heavily religiously based, which can be a problem if you are not into any kind of religion. Some are not. I have found that the ones associated with the Catholic church were less likely to try to force religion on you than ones run by deeply fundamentalist Protestant anti-abortion groups. Find one that you are comfortable with, and see what they can do to help you get through the pregnancy more easily. And if they can't help you, keep looking until you get a good fit.

Also, please see a good physician who can help you determine if the fetus is healthy, and help you give yourself and the baby the best care possible.

If you decide that you are not ready to continue the pregnancy, Itzapopalotl and Pista's advice is good. You must choose what is right for you and your life. Ignore anyone who tries to lay a guilt trip on you. They are not in your shoes. They don't have to live your life. So don't let them make you feel bad about whatever decision that you make.

Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself. If you can, try to find a calm and safe place to be, so that you can relax a bit and just think. Best of wishes, and let us know how you are doing!

I am so sorry. What a dreaded situation. Only you know what the best choice is. Trust your gut. Good luck!

Make your own choice.

A baby will change your life forever- but do you think what is growing in your belly is a baby right now? Research it- do what you feel is best for you.

I had an abortion in my 20's. Bad relationship that was going no where and a miscalculation. Needed to finish school. No support from family. A baby was not in the cards for me. I found out early, I did the research and I concluded that what was in my uterus was a few cells dividing quickly. A lump of tissue that had the potential to become a baby. I didn't wait until the lump of tissue became gray territory between parasite/possibility and life (from perspective).

I have never once regretted my decision. It was absolutely the right decision for me. I finished my degree, have had a successful career, successful marriage and two beautiful children. I made the right choice for me.

Just make whatever choice is right FOR YOU ONLY. Consider everything- what would be the outcome of having the child? What would be the outcome of stopping the pregnancy? How far along are you- what do you think is currently in your belly? There is no right answer- you have to make your own choice. NO ONE can tell you when "life" begins. What is life? What is your life? You make the choice. It is your body.

It's a tough spot to be in- I wish you the best.

You will be forever tied to and have to interact with your ex if you have this baby, giving it a lifetime of fighting parents. That's a hard spot for a kid to be in.

There are many examples of people who would rather not have been born rather than live difficult, messed up childhoods. So yes, it's a spot, but so is that cluster of cells.

That is the most absurd thing to say. Even people who have difficult lives have happy moments and opportunities to succeed.

I'm not advocating for or against abortion, but saying you should abort a baby because his/her relationship with daddy may be strained is just absurd. Lots of people have happy lives without a father or with a jerk of a father. Neither Reagan nor Bill Clinton had good fathers in their lives. Should their mothers have aborted them?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 10:00PM by axeldc.

I never asserted she should abort the child based on the fact that her ex is a violent person who she would now be tied to for life. I suggested that she should consider this aspect to the situation.

Edit to add: I'm glad you cannot think of anyone who would rather have not been born than to have been born in a toxic environment, because of good times. I know people who have had really tough childhoods.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2014 10:08PM by Devoted Exmo.

This is something that I wanted to point out as well. A baby will forever glue you and your family to him and his family. Not only will you have to deal with him forever, but also his parents, siblings, etc. I completely understand that adoption is not an option for you, not the least because it would require your husband's consent, which of course he will not give. From the outside looking in, given everthing you've said about yourself, your plans, your desire not to have children, and the fact that each of you could make a clean break and move on from each other, the answer looks pretty clear. The only question for you is whether you hold an unshakable belief that you are committing a sin or doing something wrong by terminating the pregnancy. That is a personal decision that only you, and you alone, can make. It is your body and entirely your (and nobody elses) right to make this decision on your own.

Get your abortion and have a child later on with a man who is worth it.

Why on earth would you tie yourself to a man you are ready to divorce?
There will be hell to pay (for you mainly) for the next 20 years if you have this child.

We all know what abortion does to the fetus/child. Less known are the terrible possible side effects of abortion on the mother. I sincerely sympathize with you; I also think you owe it to yourself to become aware of these risks to your long-term health before making any decision.

Women are encouraged to limit drinking to one a day, but that does not mean alcohol is destructive to a baby. Unless you are downing a bottle of gin a day, I doubt your child will be damaged beyond repair. It makes sense to be cautious and limit drinking, but saying you should abort because you had a few drinks is like saying you should kill yourself because you forgot to exercise.

I suggest you go and get some real counseling for this very serious situation. You need information and advice from qualified people, not from a bunch of chuckle heads on a message board.

Definitely make your own decision. You've been given some good advice; I especially liked the post that reminded you this child will tie you to your husband and his family FOREVER. And that includes grandkids.

There are no bad physical side effects from abortion; I know because I had one. It hurt less than my monthly period. Although I loved the father, we both knew we didn't want children. It's now 28 years later and we're retirees; we're both happy with the choice we made. For whatever reason, I wasn't made to be a mother. There are so many things I've done in life that I couldn't have done with a child hanging onto me. Freedom has always been my greatest value, and I made the right choice for me.

Fertile Mertile here.

I had an Ab in my teens. It was totally necessary in that case. Too young and immature, father was bipolar and eventually committed suicide, never knew I was pregnant.

Bad thing though is that it made it easier for me to have one in my 20s (contraceptive failure) and yet another one in my mid 40s (thought I was too old to be fertile).

I still wonder if those last two were the right decision and it was decades ago. My life would have been different, but worse? No one will ever know.

Sometimes you do everything "right" and life is hard anyway.

If you visit Planned Parenthood, a counselor there will lay out all your options. Don't feel guilty if you come to the conclusion that an abortion is best for you. I think under the circumstances (with a divorce pending) it would be a sensible decision should you feel so inclined. Remember that sooner is better than later. Don't dither around waiting for a possible miscarriage. Understand your options and make a decision that you can live with.

I'm glad Debrac suffered no ill effects from her abortion. That does not mean abortion is without risks or possible side effects. Some of them are quite serious, in fact.

I am only suggesting you do the best you can to become aware of all relevant factors before making such a big decision. After all, you can't undo this one, or any of its effects to yourself or the child/fetus.

Wishing you the best,

T.