I want to, but I don't want to.

I've seen people post the threads that ensue, and I know there would be a good deal of debate and gossip because of it. I'm usually the kind that tries to avoid confrontation if possible. At least on thing like politics and religion. I don't particularly enjoy the idea of openly exposing my ideas and opinions of TSCC to an open forum of the world.

BUT the other side of me thinks it would be really freeing. I think it might open doors of communication to other closet non-believers that would be friends too. And that could be helpful to talk about it with them.

Anyone who has done this share experiences? Did anyone PM you where you thought "Damn, I had no idea so and so was a non-believer..." Any advice?

Great question, ImperialBen. I too am interested in what others have experienced, and will be following this thread.

I hesitate to say anything publicly. The people in my ward know I'm out, but all of my out of area friends have no idea; and frankly I don't want to deal with their anger or angst or whatever.

I briefly considered it, but I ultimately decided not to, and I would recommend the same for others. Unfortunately, there is simply no way to break the news to TBMs easy, and doing it publicly really riles them up. Even if you don't say anything bad about TSCC, just saying that you're out can be offensive and can strain your friendships. It probably isn't worth getting the weight off of your chest going that route. I know that you should (and can) be able to do this... because it is your life and how you really feel. If you really want to do it, then go for it, but you won't be able to take it back.

Now, here's what I did and I found useful. I wrote a letter with everything I wanted to say. I didn't put it out anywhere, I just wrote it for my own sake. It really helped for me to get it out just in writing. Also, if I ever want to share it with someone in particular, it's ready to be sent. Maybe you can go this route and send it to a smaller crowd.

As far as getting connected with closet unbelievers, I've been surprised at how many folks I found out about who didn't believe through the "underground" network. It seems like once you know 1-2 exmos, you get easily connected with the rest.

One has known ever since I left the church. The other, I told very gently in a private message. She is a very devout believer, so I didn't say anything ugly about the church. I just told her that there were a number of things about the church that didn't work for me, so I resigned.

I have a great deal of respect for her. She married in the temple and had 7 or 8 kids (I've lost track) and is home-schooling them. They are bright, articulate kids and all seem to be doing well, so I don't have any critical feelings toward her. The LDS lifestyle seems to work for this family, so who am I to say anything?

I have a couple of exmo friends also, and in general, we confine our "anti" remarks to private messages. It seems to have worked out for everyone.

I don't see why not. They are asking members to share their halfs truths in social media so why not us to share our side of the story?.

You saying it would be for and about you.

If you want to, do it!

If you don't want to, don't do it!

To hell with everyone else and what they might think of you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2014 03:16AM by nonsequiter.

My opinion is that these kinds of messages are best communicated in private. What I would do is to just post your normal life on FB. Say that you went to a sports bar to see the game, or that you picked up a delicious latte at Starbucks, or that you went golfing on a Sunday. Put up an inspiring quote from the Dalai Lama. Let people make a reasonable inference from your posts.

I'm posting a second time just to thank ImperialBen and all of the other posters for sharing your wisdom. You all make good arguments. I'm still undecided what path I will follow, but I think you've all given some good food for thought. So THANK YOU EVERYONE!

That depends on tha kind of relationships and credibility you had/have in the mormon community.

My family is part of Stake royalty as my father have been SP, bishop two times, and is was at the time of my disaffection, serving as Family History Area Adviser. My maternal uncle has been SP, bishop and Mission President.

I'm BIC, RM and had just been released as a bishop after five years, and because of my good job, good education and culture and serious demeanor I was highly respected in the community. There had been a SP reorganization a couple of months before and most people thought that I would be the next SP. I was at the time serving at the High Council.

My doubts had been building up for the last couple of years, even when I was a bishop, but the essays were the last straw. I set up an appointment with the bishop and SP and told them I've concluded the Church was a farse and would have nothing to do with it. I then told my parents and mother-in-law and sent my resignation letter.

As soon as I received confirmation that it has been processed, I wrote a long post on Facebook explaining my reasons to leave the Church and why I had concluded that it was a false, dishonest and evil organization. Of course, it sent shockwaves throughout the stake, but to my surprise, many people came to my support on the comments. Many talked about how they admired me and my family, how they were sure that I was honest and sincere, etc. but they would continue going to Church because they liked it, it had good teachings, they didn't care about Joseph Smith, etc. A few of the more ignorant posted testimonies and other crap. Of course, some people broke friendships and blocked me, but there was no way those specific friendships could have continued out of the Church anyway, so I don't consider them a direct casualty of my coming out.

As my parents were still TMBs and lived at the same stake, they were deeply distressed by the situation and even didn't have the courage to attend church for a couple of weeks. The Stake President began a diffamation campaign to try to lessen the damage, announcing at Priesthood and RS meetings that me and my wife were no more members of the Church, that we had became apostates, etc.

My mother, who had began researching when I told her some little known facts about Joseph Smith, was greatly alienated by what she considered an unjust diffamation of her son, and after a few months researching without attending Church, said she had also concluded it was all bogus. After 45 years, a mission, having her husband serve as SP and bishop for most of their married life, sent three children on missions, all of them married in the temple, she had the strenght to see the Church for what it is. I don't believe she would have the emotional strenght to do so were not for the SP stupid diffamation campaign.

Almost a dozen people contacted me privately about their own doubts, some began researching, and most of them have left the Church. I believe there will still be more as the time goes on.

My father asked to be released from all callings, including the Area one, and was greatly disturbed, but he refuses to hear or read anything about problems in the Church, and as far as I know, he's still TMB.

The effects of my coming out on Facebook were great, but I think it was mostly because of my specific context. Now that I'm an apostate, most people wouldn't care for me.

My opinion is that the Church only stands because of group insulation. There's an illusion of unanimity. Any one that makes public that he doesn't buy the story of Joseph Smith will cause much more damage than you think, directly proportional to his credibility within the Church.

Besides the damaging the cult, the confrontation completely shattered any shadow of psychological control mormonism still had over me. I felt completely liberated from their authority, but it created a bloodlust and a desire for confrontation that I had a little trouble to tame later, since I didn't want to spend any amount of time fighting this stupid crappy institution.

If you plan to do it, you have just one bullet. Make it count.

Thanks for sharing your story. I've contemplated going public on Facebook and making my one bullet count.

Once I receive my letter telling me that I'm out, I'm probably going to do that.

What would the church want you to do? Remain silent and drift into obscurity.

As Jeremy Runnels says in the CES letter http://cesletter.com/

interview. "There is no graceful exit from Mormonism."

BTW, that is how you know you're in a cult.

"My opinion is that the Church only stands because of group insulation. There's an illusion of unanimity. Any one that makes public that he doesn't buy the story of Joseph Smith will cause much more damage than you think, directly proportional to his credibility within the Church."

Thanks for these words.

The church reminds me of Asch's conformity experiment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYIh4MkcfJA

This is one of the main reasons I think I might come out publicly, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. I've never been SP as I'm only in my early 20's, but my father and grandpa were both in the SP, and it always seemed growing up like I was earmarked for church leadership later... I grew up in an area where the church is not strong, and there are usually 10 or so families throughout the stake that hold it together. Mine is one of those families.

I'm still not sure how I'll handle this yet but I'll probably start out with the letter idea and send it to people close to me. (I haven't done any real coming out yet, haven't even talked to my family.) Eventually I might take the plunge and do it publicly in the most respectful way possible.

Thanks to everyone for their comments and experiences, it's helpful to sort this all out.

Distancing yourself from the angry apostate stereotype seems to be very important if you want to cause damage. Avoiding adjectives and sticking to the facts, while using respectful language is important too.

You've got to sound like a mormon, using their vocabulary and mental cliches to really penetrate their mind.

Once you get out and about into the real world, you realize that one of the most useful social rules is not to discuss religion in mixed company.
Contrast that with the basic mode of interaction among Mormons is to discussion religion all the freaking time.
There is no way to reconcile this.
There is no good answer to this problem.
Probably the best course is just deal with each individual in your life in the best way possible for that individual relationship.

I defriended all the TBMs family included. Several of them felt Facebook was a good place to give me a public scolding. I got a request from my deceased daughter's childhood friend. I knew she was TBM, but I loved seeing her pictures. She lasted about 3 months. One day an ugly Hobby Lobby political crap thing was on my feed. Poof. She was gone. If I posted my exmormon story, friends would just find it interesting.

I have been having this same debate lately imperialben. Everyone who is a friend of my DW's on Facebook knows I am out. She has made a few posts about how hard it is to live with someone who "lost their faith." But I still have some friends who are only friends with me on FB who have no idea. Like my old Mission Pres..I can just see his look now hehe. (He was always a nice and cool guy to me.)

For me its a matter of how do I do it. What exactly to I say...I just haven't been able to think of a good way yet.

Good luck in this! Let me know how it goes if you do it!

I came out on facebook for two reasons. First, I didn't want to have all the private conversations with people to tell them I had left. I felt that would be much more painful. Second, I really was a TBM. I did everything I thought God wanted me to. When my wall came crashing down, I felt it only right to try to undue some damage my TBM behavior may have caused. I wanted to show that I wasn't ashamed of following what I knew to be right.

Reactions: Those that posted were understanding and expressed their love for me. :) A few PM'd me to say they either had similar thoughts or had gone through a similar process. It was only later that a couple of family members tried to shame me. It wasn't even really to get me back, just to tell me I was in the Satan's power.

Overall though, the response was good. I haven't really had much shunning going on, though I sympathize with those who do. Mostly, I think TBMs are a little uncomfortable around me. I try to do my best to smile and show them I'm still me. :)

My facebook post was a little vague. I left details to an email to closer family members and friends, because I simply wanted to get the point across. I didn't want to facilitate any sort of debate. I did emphasize that I studied it out and prayed about my decision and felt it was the best course of action for me.

I'm glad I did it though. I'm glad my disaffection is public knowledge. It actually helps me avoid some uncomfortable situations, and helps me live an authentic life.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

After I have my "conversation" with my wife (soon, I hope) to let her know of my unbelief, I will compose a letter explaining the same to my parents, M&FIL, siblings, siblings in-law and my children. The rest of my extended family will shortly come to know soon enough! Friends in the church may or may not find out.

I use Facebook to see what's going on family and friend-wise across the US but seldom post. So, I won't be telling all there but will probably see the results of my letters!

Good luck MOOSE!!!!

I wrote all my issues about the church and why I decided not to raise my child in it in a blog. I linked the blog on FB with a short description of what was there. The response was interesting. I was defriended by some folks, including family members. Others called me out on FB to repentance. BUT...a lot of people privately messages me, thanking me for what I wrote. People I had no clue were NOMs or considering leaving. That was several months ago, and people are still reaching out with questions or just to vent. Knowing I can be that safe place for people made it worth going Facebook public for me.

I did it- it was FUN! Of course, there was backlash, but it was minor. My dad's TBM wife thinks I am a heathen--oh no! What a huge loss! :)

I've "come out" in private message discussions with former mishComps. And...found them to already be out!

It just seems so strange that members have to announce they are out. One sign of a Cult.

People I know that leave/change other religions don't seem to see the need to announce it to their family, their friends, or the world. They just do it and go on with their life, and nobody cares, if they even know, or happen to hear of it years after the fact.

In my opinion.

I would suggest you don't. Americans are too eager to over-share. Social media sites like facebook are not the forum to have discussion about sensitive topics like religion or politics.

I would suggest you follow the following proverb: the smart man know what to say, the wise man knows whether to say it or not.

Don't say it. Its not the right forum and in my opinion, it is disrespectful. Don't stoop the their level by babbling about religion on FB. It's tacky and our of place.

flame away.