(long)

I am not a dog person. I never have been. But, over the years, I have seen the depth of grief poured out on this board when a poster's beloved pet dies. I have a unique situation here and it will tear your heart out if you are a dog-lover. I need all the ideas I can get.

"Sammy" is a Jack Russell Terrier - a rescue dog who came from an abusive home. We saved his life about 11 years ago just before he was taken to a kill shelter. I have an 11-year-old adopted son, Zachary, who was born severely disabled. I think Zach and Sammy are about the same age. (So that makes Sammy "old" for dog years, right??)

It was Zach's physical therapist who suggested we take the dog when she found out one of her other families was getting rid of him. "Wait, don't kill that dog! I know a family who will take him. They take everybody!" Which is pretty much true. ;o) We've had over 35 medically-needy foster/adopive/bio children come through here over the years.

Sammy became ZACHARY'S DOG. There was this magical bond between the two of them and Sammy had this 6th sense about Zach . . . he always knew when Zachary was in danger, when he was in pain, when he needed comfort. It was uncanny. I never bonded with the dog myself because it was the *Mother* in the other family who abused him. So Sammy has always snapped at me.

It's no secret in the family that I don't care much for Sammy. I'm not a dog person. I can't stand the smell, the fleas, the barking etc. But I absoulutely respect the bond of love that Sammy and and Zachary have for one other. Their life stories are similar (Zach's disability was caused by his birth mother's abuse and neglect in the womb - she was a crack addict who never went to a pre-natal visit).

Zachary has had about a dozen major orthopedic surgeries over the years to help him learn to walk. With the exception of those nights my son spent in the hospital, Sammy has slept every single night in Zachary's bed. And when Zach recovered for weeks on the couch in body casts, that dog never ever left his side.

Zachary can walk now. In fact he can run. And you should see Zach and Sammy tear across the backyard together . . . well not so much anymore. Sammy is old. He has arthritis. He's lost control of of his urine and bowels. He smells terrible no matter how many time we bathe him. He is nesting in odd places I've never seen him curl up before, like he's trying to find a final, comfortable resting place.

Zach knows Sammy is dying. And he's heard talk of "putting the dog down." He's hysterical with grief and has upped his care for Sammy - bathing him, forcing him to go outside and potty, trying to dispose of dog poop before an adult accidentally steps in it in the morning (and people start yelling and cussing). But you can't stop death, and it's Sammy's time.

The dog is sick and old and he has to go. It will break Zachary's heart in two. I don't know how to do this compassionately. Do I sneak Sammy out and have the vet do it during school hours, then try to comfort Zachary later? Do I build some kind of ritual/ceremony into his passing? Do I let Zach go and hold the dog himself when he dies?

I don't want to scar my son for life. We are Christianish and I have no problem with using God/Heaven as comforts for Zach - reassurance that he'll see his best friend again someday.

Please help with any ideas that you have. I don't love dogs, but I love my son. This will be the hardest thing he's ever faced in his life.

Thank you.

Shannon ;o)

I'm not going to flame you like some people will. I'm only going to beg you as a stranger. Please don't. Not yet.

In my experience, the nesting you describe is a sign the dog is really suffering. Do take them both to the vet and let Zachary participate.

Just be sure that knows it is about pain, and nothing else.

Has the dog been checked by a vet? Are you sure his issues can't be helped by veterinary care? That would be the first thing I would do if you haven't already. Find out exactly what is wrong with Sammy and see if a vet can help him.

I can tell you that with monthly flea and tick preventative, fleas shouldn't even be an issue. I remember our dogs in the 80s had them, but ever since the advent of Frontline and similar products, I haven't seen any fleas on my dogs.

Certainly, if Sammy is getting old and sick, his time will come soon. And you will know when it's time. But if you haven't had a vet check him, that's what I would do first. When dogs hide, that is usually a sign that they are dying or sick.

As for how you should handle this with your son, I think it would depend on your son. You know him better than we do. I have had several dogs put down. It's generally a very peaceful process. In the cases I've seen it done, it was kind of a relief because the dogs in question were really suffering and it was their time. It wasn't scary to watch and I was glad I was there when my dogs passed. But whether or not your son can handle seeing his dog die, I haven't a clue. If their bond is that strong, he may want to be there.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2014 01:49PM by knotheadusc.

Had to put my dog friend down last January. I wish I did it one day sooner. I agree with this poster, that the actual euthanasia process was peaceful. My dog loved me to rub her ears. I did that as she relaxed.

Very best wishes for you and your son.

Eleven years really isn't that old for that small of a dog, so first, make sure there is nothing that can be done to relieve any medical condition he has.

If medical attention will not help Sammy, and you really want to help Zachary be comforted, as well as accept and understand the passing of his friend then do not take Sammy to the Vet's office for this, it is cold and impersonal. Although more expensive, there are Veterinarians that will make a house call for this purpose. Both Sammy and Zachary will be comforted through this difficult time if they are in familiar, and loving, surroundings.

I would also suggest that you get a book about pets passing away for Zachary to help him understand the need to help Sammy pass if he is suffering.

Eta- If possible, it will help Zachary through the grieving process if you can bury Sammy at home and mark his grave with a pet headstone.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2014 02:08PM by sassenach.

I am sorry to hear this and I wish there was an easier way to deal with the issue at hand. It is obvious that your son knows that Sammy is suffering and has taken it upon himself to help his dog out the best way he can. I do agree with Heresy that Sammy needs to visit the vet and that it might do Zachary good to participate in this venture. Like you said, he has already shown great responsibility in Sammy's care and it might help in Zachary's grieving process. You already know that the end is near and Zachary probably already does as well. Discuss with your son about this and let him know that Sammy is in great pain and the longer Sammy lives the worse it will be for him. Hopefully Zachary will surprise you in the way he handles the news but also be there for him as he grieves the lost of his furry friend. Even though you are not much of a dog person, you are differently showing Sammy some form of compassion and wanting to help relieve his pain and suffering.

Take him to a vet. They can tell you when the dog is suffering and is just done. Ask if it's cruel to keep Sammy alive and explain the situation with your son. The doctor may be able to keep Sammy comfortable until he goes naturally which may be ideal.

Since Zachary understands that Sammy's time is coming soon, talk to him about it. Ask him if it would be too hard to be there at the end or would he rather just know that his buddy has gone to his rest.

You are right to prepare for this and you show a lot of love and understanding. I am so glad you can appreciate the bond.

or not. My last dog had to be "put down"--what is a good word for this??? I knew I had to be there no matter what. I'm sure glad I was.

This is such a difficult time and it is going to be extremely difficult for your son. I have no idea how to tell you to handle it. There is no easy way for him to go through this.

Good advice. Whatever you do, don't do it while Zach is at school and tell him later. My parents did that and I've always felt deprived of the ability to say goodbye and couldn't understand why they wouldn't have even given me a voice. Also, a good friend of mine just had the vet visit and euthanize her dog in is own surroundings, with everyone holding him and getting to say goodbye. They had a place to bury him and a special stone to mark his grave. It was heartbreaking, but also provide closure and respect.

When it is time, I would recommend getting Zach another puppy.

I agree with everything here.

DO NOT HAVE THE DOG JUST DISAPPEAR!

Your son may or may not want to be there, but don't just unexpectedly yank the animal away.

Prepare him, talk to him, offer him the chance to be there. If he doesn't want involvement, tell him when action will be taken, so it isn't a surprise.

I've had a series of dogs. Only one had health issues. I had a pure-bred collie (a Lassie dog). He was so smart that I could speak to him and he understood everything. He was trained to walk and heel etc. in less than 5 minutes and NEVER required a leash to go on long walks. An amazing dog.

I had a smaller dog, a West Highland Terrier. We call them Westies. He lived to be 18 with a few health issues. He didn't shed at all. I clipped his nails regularly and bathed him weekly with me in the shower. He slept on my bed and was my best friend. When he passed it was VERY tough. I have yet to get another dog.

When you have a great dog from early on (say 8-10 weeks old) you train and bond with your little friend. If and when Sammy's time comes, it might help to have another dog already in the family and beloved by Zachary. It will soften the blow of loosing Sammy and re-direct any grief and affection.

I agree with everyone else about letting your son decide if he wants to be there if the dog has to be put to sleep.

Another thing you might want to do is to talk to the vet about doing a paw print in clay of the dog's paw so that Zachary has a memento of Sammy that he can keep. My vet's office did that for me when my beloved Cary died and it was a great gift for me.

Although 11 isn't super old for a small dog breed like a Jack Russell, it's still past middle age and it sounds like Sammy could indeed be very ill.

The nesting (hiding) behavior is one sign - animals who are sick and in pain instinctively do this (protection from predators/rivals). I've witnessed this in many of my dogs over the years. Some we discovered were terminally ill - others were sick, but able to be treated and bounced back to health.

Loss of appetite is another sign of serious illness, particularly for any pet who has had a high enjoyment of food. My old guy is still a chow hound though he's quite elderly now (if he ever goes off his food I will know something is very wrong).

Definitely get the vet to weigh in on Sammy's current condition if you haven't already. Perhaps there is something going on that is easily treatable without too much cost or trouble.

If that's not the case, better to have tried first to see what could be done to help Sammy before going straight for the decision to euthanize. You'll have firmer ground to stand on to say to Zachary that you've done all you could to help Sammy get well, but that he's too sick and suffering too much.

As for Zachary, I agree with others' suggestion to get a book explaining euthanasia for pets. This is an excellent one that a dear friend of mine used when her children had to say goodbye to their first dog:

http://www.amazon.com/When-You-Have-Say-Goodbye/dp/0983103216/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411584576&sr=8-1&keywords=When+You+Have+to+Say+Goodbye

I agree with others about home euthanasia often being a less stressful option for the pet and often the owners, if it's something the vet can do and is financially feasible.

My heart goes out to you as you guide your son through this heartbreaking time. I'm grateful that you are able to understand how deeply this loss will affect your son, and that your intention is to ensure Sammy himself receives a compassionate end. (Can't tell you how many times I've had to explain to people why saving $$ and letting their pet die a 'natural death' at home is not the kindest thing to do.)

Chiming in with those who think Zachary should be allowed to participate if he wants to. In talking to him about it, I would emphasize that the dog is old and sick and doesn't feel good and that we (the family) have exhausted every medical possibility and the ONLY way we can HELP Sammy feel better now is to put him to sleep.

It's the most humane thing to do and I often wish we had that same option for our human loved ones.

You could also probably work with the vet in terms of talking to Zachary about it -- I'm sure they've dealt with kids + putting animals down many times and have a good idea of how to best handle things sensitively.

I also like the idea of a funeral or ritual in the backyard (you may opt for cremation, so you could scatter ashes) to give Zachary closure and give him one last goodbye. Plant a tree or something in Sammy's honor (call it the Sammy Tree), and let Zachary keep a picture and maybe Sammy's collar as a memento.

(I have my dead dog's paws tattooed on my leg as if she jumped up to beg for something and left her inky prints on me. But Zachary is too young for a tatt, so... nevermind that idea.) The vet will make pawprints with ink if you ask and mine even did one of those clay print things for my cat (which I didn't even ask for). Or you could make a goodbye ritual out of doing this yourself -- they sell the clay pawprint kits at pet stores and any inkpad & paper would do as well.

And then yes, when everybody's ready, let Zachary pick out his next dog at the pound or from a rescue group or something. I recommend a totally different breed dog to avoid transference later on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2014 03:12PM by dogzilla.

You stated what I couldn't quite find the words to say.

I actually have a little graveyard in my backyard where all our pets are buried and the graves are always decorated.

I have my pets cremated because I might not live here forever and I wouldn't dig up their bones and take them with me. But ashes in a box, I can take with me wherever I go. So I have two shrines: one for dead cats and one for dead dogs. I put my favorite picture of that pet next to its box of ashes and maybe one other keepsake, like a pawprint or the dogs' collars.

Note: I was digging through a seldom-used closet yesterday and ran across their old dog coats. I held them to my face and they still smell like my smooshies. I miss them so much. I had to cry a minute and then I went on with finding that old VCR my neighbor wanted. And then go hug Big Dog, who is young and healthy and a terrific companion.

Take Sammy to the vet, take Zach along. The vet can find if there's anything that can be done to give Sammy decent quality of life. If not, the vet can explain that to Zach, and why it's no kindness to Sammy to keep him going if his quality of life has just gone down too far.

This is the hardest thing we ever do as pet owners. Our final duty to our loved pet.

I am in the "let Zach go with you" line.

Eric3 explained it well what the vet can explain to him. I would also let him be right next to Sammy when the vet gives the shots. That way he can see that Sammy wasn't hurt by this. You don't want Zach not there and imagining that it was painful for Sammy. That way, he'll know he went with love.

Eleven isn't that old for a small dog.

At least you're honest in your dislike for the dog.

Eventually, the dog may have to be put to sleep. In my opinion that decision is about the happiness of the dog, not the convenience of the owners.

If the dog is incontinent, there could very possibly be treatments for the problem. My sister's dog wore a diaper for several years before he died and dealing with the diaper was not a big deal--she just used a maxi pad in a little elastic fitted holder similar to a menstrual belt only it velcroed on. Another friend has a female dog that's incontinent. She's on a weekly prescription and as long as her dose is given, no accidents.

If the dog is in pain, usually there are prescriptions that can alleviate it. Also having a bed with a heating pad on low can be very helpful for arthritis. Also ginger supplements can help.

I'm sure the biggest problem is the incontinence. If you wake up and there's a pile on the floor, I don't think anyone is helped by yelling about it.

Remember, your son will remember how you handled the final days of his beloved companion. I'm sure you want him to think back and feel that you supported him as he faced the end of his relationship and tried to do everything possible to make certain Sammy enjoyed his life to the fullest, regardless of your personal feelings about companion animals.

Fleas are a non-issue. Very easy to deal with when you get a prescription.

Yes, you can buy Frontline and Advantix from your vet for your dog. It's also available on Amazon and from 1-800-PETMEDS (two venues I have used) with no prescription required.

I have no financial interest in these products or companies. I just wanted you to know there was a can-be-less-costly way.

Sympathies to your son, Shan.

Saree

We lost our 4 year old Great Dane to lymphoma a month ago. It has been devastating for all of us, kids included. We knew he was dying and prepared as much as we could. One of my daughters was sad that we wouldn't be able to bake dog treats again, so we did it. She also was very sad that he would miss Christmas so we had an early Christmas for him. We did presents, a stocking, etc. We also made a paw print stepping stone out of a mosaic kit and put his nametag from his collar in it. That sits in the window by the breakfast table now.
When the day came that we had to put him to sleep we knew it was time because he didn't get up, he just stayed on the floor by my bed. We took turns snuggling with him until the vet came. When the vet came, he gave him a shot to relax him. The kids came in and said goodbye. Then the kids and I left and my husband stayed while they administered the final shot. I may have stayed, but by the point my sweet dog was in a semi-coma and my husband (who has stayed before) suggested that I might rather leave.
I think the things that we did to prepare really helped my kids to get through the death of our sweet boy.

I very, VERY strongly agree with everyone who has said to let Zach decide if the wants to be there or not.

I hope that his answer is that he DOES want to be there, because I think this by far the best healing situation for Zach. Not only will he be able to know for himself that Sammy did not suffer at the end, he will also know--for absolutely CERTAIN--that Sammy IS "gone" and will not, and CANNOT, "come back." It will be an indisputable reality for Zach that will, in a very big way, allow him to heal and to move through the grieving process as quickly and smoothly as is possible given the circumstances.

When we took our cats in for euthanasia, I always leaned forward enough over the table so that my loving face was the last thing each cat was aware of before they weren't aware anymore. I got the very strong "message" from each of them that this was the most comfortable way for THEM, because they knew I was caring for them all the way. (Most of them already knew they were dying and were ready to die---one of our cats actually, eloquently, THANKED me---but dying can be just as scary for cats as it is for many humans.)

For me, this connection-to-the-end was the most healing thing as well.

As Zach goes through the after death grieving process and gradually becomes ready to look forward again, another rescue dog--of his choice--would probably be the most healing thing possible for him. He probably needs a dog who needs HIM.

I wish the best transitions possible for Sammy...and for Zach who will survive him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2014 05:46PM by tevai.

I love the paw prints ideas. I never heard of either one. That would be a treasure to keep. And, of course, we'll bury Sammy in the backyard. He can join "Harry," the beagle who was hit by a car before Zach was born.

I think I've decided to bring Zachary into this whole thing and let him go to the vet with me. I need to start preparing him - this may happen sooner rather than later. The dog started vomiting today.

Thank you all for your compassion.

;o)

I agree with those who say that eleven is not that old for a small dog (lifespan for dogs roughly correlates with size. The smaller the dog, the longer its average life. Smallish dogs can go into the mid or late teens.) Take the dog for a checkup and ask for the vet's opinion. It may be that something can be done to help the dog. You can help the arthritis by getting the dog a nice, comfortable, cushy bed, or as someone suggested, possibly a heating pad as well. You might be able to give the dog a med to help with the arthritis.

Definitely involve your son. I've stayed with my pets as they have been put to sleep, and it's a peaceful process. I pet them and tell them I love them until the vet pronounces the death. If your son wishes to stay with his dog, let him. When the time comes, have a little ceremony and burial for your pet.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/24/2014 06:26PM by summer.

A vet check-up is warranted. 11 is the beginning of the end for many small breeds

Many vets will leave when to put the dog down to your discretion. They don't want to be the victims of emotional owners later claiming the dog could have been around longer.

Some vets will do home visits to put the dog down. In many cases, that's better for the dog -- there's no scary final visit to the vet, being placed on a cold table.

Don't just disappear the dog when the boy's out. Given their attachment, the boy should be there to comfort the dog in his last days. You will not be sparing him any pain if he cannot witness the dog's passing.

Here is what my neighbour did.

After his kids went to school, he took the dog in and had the dog put to sleep.

Then he brought the dog home and staged it in the dog's bed to make it look like the dog died in its sleep.

Deceptive? Maybe, but his kids were around age 10 and younger.

I agree as well -- don't do this behind Zach's back, you're really breaking trust to do that, and you may never be able to repair it.

If the vet says that the dog is in pain and it's best to be put down, then have that talk with Zach, letting him know how much pain the dog is in. Explain the process, that they will help the dog feel calm and comfortable and that they give him a shot to make him sleep.

I'm so sorry that your family has to deal with this, poor Zach. I hope you find a good solution.

First of all, take the the dog to the vet and see what is condition is and what if anything can be done. If it is time,talk to your son and stress that you dont want the dog to suffer. Let him decide if he wants to be there. A new dog might help

Taking the dog to the vet and letting Zach go along to hear what the vet says might be useful. Do give the dog another chance before you end this special bond.

When the dog does go, show Zach the Rainbow Bridge pages on the internet. There's one site which has a Monday night "service" for animals which have died that week. Being with others who are grieving, even online, might help.

And finally, even though you don't like dogs, after a couple of months check the shelter and see if Zach attaches to another dog.

Good luck. This is a terrible situation.

And maybe let them have one special day beforehand.

http://imgur.com/gallery/Pcsq6S1

http://imgur.com/gallery/ckAHcrE

Getting another dog will be important, but I'm wondering if a trained service dog might be a good idea? From your post I couldn't tell if Zachary still has any limitations. Zachary and new-dog will have to bond as well, and I don't know if I could go into a shelter and come out with less than five. But maybe working with a rescue dog will be good therapy for Zachary. IDK. Do tell him that all of us on RFM are sorry for his loss.