Top Ten Mormon Medical Mysteries Evident At General Conference
10. If President Monson were suddenly seized upon by catatonia (neurogenic motor immobility and behavioral abnormality manifested by stupor.) behind the pulpit would he be sustained as The Petrified Prophet, Seer and Revelator?
9. If Dallin Oaks suffered a severe bout of glossophobia (fear of public speaking) would he be known far and wide as "The Petrified Apostle?"
8. Could arteriosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) explain a non-spritual reason why Boyd Packer's heart is hard as a granite boulder?
7. If L. Tom Perry suffered a massive stroke of the frontal lobe in his cerebral cortex (the center of higher reasoning, attention and motivation) would he then "give up the Holy Ghost?" Or would the Holy Ghost be forced to give up on on poor ol' L. Tom?
6. Does dupadopia, a rare disorder depriving a person of dopamine (a hormone and neurotransmitter) explain why Jeffrey Holland comes off as either a dupe, a dope or a dodo whenever interview by the British Broadcasting Company?
5. Due to episodic bouts of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome aka Irritating Brethren Syndrome aka Intestinal Boyd Spasm) does Elder Packer wear his depends on the inside or outside of his sacred garments?
4. Does having developed macular degeneration, ( the presence of a blurred spot in the center of vision) prevent Russell M Ballard from "keeping and eye single to glory of God" and blessing us with miraculous visions about the future growth of the LDS Church?
3. Did Gordon B Hinckley suffer a terminal case of atrial fibilation (a complete disconnect between a truthful heart and a conniving mind resulting in pathological inability to tell the truth, especially while appearing on national television talk shows) thus becoming known as "The Big Glib Fib."
2. Since being called into the First Presidency does the graceful acceptance of his COPD (Church Office Politics Disorder) allow Dieter Uchtdorf to continue to be the point man for softening the dogmatic, embarrassing, archaic and politically incorrect stances of Boyd K Packer and Bruce R McConkie?
1. Suffering from the most embarrassing of all General Authority maladies, ED - Electile Dysfunction (the chronic selection of future apostates to receive their Second Anointing or Calling and Election Made Sure, leading to the apostate's public exposure of super secret/sacred temple rituals) is Jeffrey Holland demonstrating depression and desperation in his evangelical like sermons as a smoke screen to hide his true spiritual impotence?
Enough for the Brethren, one last one for the Sistern:
Are the Relief Society Sister suffering from POD (1. Primary Orgasm Disorder - sisters unable to reach orgasm while having sex with their garments on (the patriarchal position) are called to serve in the nursery during Primary until able to perform perfectly. 2. Pilot Orgasm Derangement - sisters problematic spontaneous orgasmic public outcries whenever an apostle who happens also to be a pilot speaks in conference. 3. Prophet Orgasm Discombobulation - spiritual/emotional dissonance resulting from wild multiple orgasms while watching and listening to a handsome member of the First Presidency when he makes eye contact with you, even if from a distance of 300 feet in the Conference Center.) whenever President Dieter Uchtdorf stands up and addresses them with that deep sexy German accent.
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/01/2014 08:40AM by cricket.
I've always wondered how all the geriatric authoritarians can sit for two hours straight without taking a pee. Are some of them hooked to a catheter that drains underneath the floor somehow? Are depends really that effective?