My DH injured his lower back SEVERELY just about two months ago. There has not been a definitive diagnosis made. The MRI did not show a bulging or ruptures disc. So as far as I understand, they are just treating the pain symptomatically, on the assumption that sooner or later, whatever is wrong will heal itself if it is treated gently.

One of the treatments - which worked very well at alleviating his terrible pain - was a heavy-duty narcotic pain patch, time-release type. It is supposed to be changed into a new one every 3 days.

When it got to be time for a change, he kept refusing it. Within a very short time, there was a drastic - and HORRIBLE - change in his personality. Suddenly, the sweetest guy in the world was short-tempered, critical, and I don't think it would be off the mark to say he was becoming verbally abusive. I lived with that for 17 years, so I know it when I see it.

Suddenly, I could not do anything right, and found myself walking on eggshells. He has always been very appreciative of everything I do/have done for him in the past. Suddenly, he was constantly, "What is taking so long? Why are you wasting so much time? I need that NOW!" (I wasn't doing anything different.)

After three days of this, I was actually thinking of moving out. I was so hurt by his behavior, and he didn't seem to be aware of how hurtful he was being.

I discovered late last night, by reviewing his medication log, that he had gone for EIGHT days since the last pain patch change. I started to get ready to change the patch, doing it as methodically as I have learned to, but he started screaming, "You're too slow! Don't bother!"

So I told his daughter, who is in her late twenties and can stand up to him, about what was going on, and how I suspected that the failure to renew the patch on time might be at the root of the drastic personality change. She agreed.

Today, she told him, "Look. We are changing that patch now. You can make it easy, or you can make it hard, but it WILL happen." So he submitted. Within hours, My normally sweet husband was back.

He was sweet and gentle, as he has been throughout our marriage.
He seemed genuinely baffled by my repeated comments that "I'm so glad YOU are back! I missed you!" He still does not seem to realize what a drastic personality change he displayed.

Why would somebody who is in severe pain suddenly decide to go off his pain killer, cold-turkey? I remembered how the Mormon church told me, years ago, that I should not be taking anti-depressants. (I was in a world of hurt and needed them. The bishop assured me that scripture reading and prayer would do the job." He was a barber by training, so fortunately, I disregarded what he said and stayed on the meds until I didn't need them any more.

I don't know for sure, but maybe the Mormons are dead-set against long-term use of narcotic painkillers, too, and that was what prompted his sudden (and wildly irrational) decision to quit using them. Have any of you heard of this?

HE STILL NEEDS THEM! His back is not healed yet. The narcotic patches allow him to function more normally, and to sleep, because the pain is gone. HE HAS A LEGITIMATE REASON TO STILL BE TAKING THEM!

I went through three interminable days of HELL, because he was demanding, critical, and incredibly disagreeable, all of which are totally at odds with his normal personality.

I'm not sure he realizes yet just how horrible he was during those three days, or the connection to going without the pain patches. But I'll keep reminding him. I will not let this happen again.

Does it sound to you like the Mormon indoctrination could have led to this insane behavior?

Oh yes. My doctor wants to put me on medication for IBS associated with IC. These conditions are aggravated by stress, so he thinks if a med can relieve stress, the physical symptoms will go away. I look upon this as a failure! There must be some other "natural" way: prayer, meditation, yoga, exercise, strict diet, positive thinking, laughter, having joy in my life--and I have been doing all of this. Life is beautiful! Nothing works, but I don't want to become groggy and passive, and miss out on the fun.

Your husband's condition is temporary, so he should be reassured about that. Sometimes it helps to look at the worst-case scenario. What if you husband became addicted to the pain killers? Well, he at least would be recovered from his back problem. He will have been a good, sweet patient, and kind to you. His recovery will have been much, much easier and faster. All the doctors would do is take him off of the pain patch gradually, which might take a little discipline, but he will be stronger when he is well.

Pain pills make me crazy, when I go off of them. I was prepared, the second time, and took tranquilizers and anti-nausea medication, and reasoned my way through it. I would have loved to have had a spouse by my side to see it through, but I was all alone those nights I couldn't sleep. I walked the dog all around the back yard, and cleaned house. I was too twitchy to sit and watch TV, or to concentrate on anything. I did know that my psychiatrist was helping me through, and that I would get over it. I would probably fight having to take those awful drugs again, just because they made me so sick, but, we all have to go through experiences we'd rather not have. That was two weeks ago, and I'm fine, and hiking in the mountains in the fall colors.

It would help to plan some really fun activities with your husband, for when he is better--something he really likes, that isn't too strenuous. He's lucky to have you.

After I had my leg/ankle fracture and was learning how to walk again, the first month on my healing limb was awful. The pain was strong and constant, 24/7. I normally have a high pain tolerance, but this was mind-bending. I decided that it wasn't even the severity of the pain so much as the fact that I never, ever got a break from it. It does change your personality. I'm sorry that your husband is hurting. Keep those pain patches going!

Probably.

You may not want to hear this, but I think you can also blame the church for you "walking on eggshells," taking the abuse during his "personality change," and not dealing with it yourself, finally calling someone else to deal with it.
The church encourages women to be doormats to be walked on by their priesthood-holding husbands. From your description of the events, you learned well.

Not trying to be mean, just helpful...

I hadn't been in the church yet. I lived with my abuser for 15+ years and I tried very hard to placate him and keep him from having temper explosions. Until I learned about verbal abuse, I didn't know what else to do.

My current DH was very pleasant (though tired) last night and early this morning. Later, however, he started in with the critical and nasty behavior. This time, I barked right back at him and told him I had the situation well in hand, that I was NOT incompetent, thank you very much, and to take his sorry ass somewhere else until he could behave like a civilized person.

He seems to truly believe that the Three Days From Hell are entirely a figment of my imagination. They aren't. His daughter saw and heard it too. Ever since I stood up to him earlier, he has behaved very warily around me, as if I could turn into a vampire and chomp on him at any moment.

When I continue to ask about whether he is in pain, he keeps saying "I don't know," which he KNOWS drives me batshit. When you ask for a simple yes/no question, like "Are you hungry? Are you in pain?" etc, because what you do next will be based on his response, the "I don't know" is a deliberate attempt to block you.

If he says he is in pain, you can suggest one or more remedies, whichever may be appropriate. If he says he is hungry, you can prepare a snack. But "I don't know" leaves you completely stranded, not knowing where to go next. And because he KNOWS that it irritates the hell out of me, I suspect he is doing it to be passive-aggressive.

I don't WANT to be turned into an enforcer. He is an intelligent person and is very capable of making rational decisions. He has said all kinds of stupid things this afternoon and evening, like at one point, he said, "I might as well just blow my head off." He has a pistol within easy reach of his bed. I didn't even react, and the gun is still there, because I had the gut feeling he was just trying to be manipulative. He has made repeated references to having to move out, and trying to gimp down the street with a crutch on one side and his suitcase on the other. This, too, strikes me as very manipulative, and I have refused to respond.

I want desperately to believe that all of this is related to the pain medication. If it isn't, there is some very serious emotional crap stirred into the mix, and here I have believed for 20+ years that we were an extraordinarily happy couple.

This is scary. We are elderly, neither of us is in especially good health, but between us, we had been managing reasonably well. The idea of separating is just plain stupid. I don't think either of us could manage, alone.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Chronic pain can cause psychological issues, including depression. GET RID OF THE GUN!!!!!!!!

Once you have gotten rid of the gun, do some research into the effects of chronic pain. The personality problems that your husband is having could be due to the pain rather than the medications. It sounds like he might have a bit of "brain fog", so that he genuinely can't remember what happened when he was feeling worse, and it might be making it difficult for him to answer simple questions.

Dealing with pain makes higher level things such as relationships more difficult to deal with. Your husband probably genuinely feels the urge to just walk away from everything including you. Don't take it personally, it is just that getting rid of the pain is the only thing that really matters to someone in chronic pain.

If you think that the medications are contributing to the problems then don't be afraid to ask for something else. Have you been to a pain clinic or a pain specialist yet? If not then give it a go. They have access to medications and non-medication methods that can help with pain relief.

Treating the pain IS treating the problem, not just treating the symptoms. I think it is safe to assume that your husband has a pain syndrome since you have ruled out other causes. Pain syndromes can last for years, so it could be early days for you. Keep trying different things until you find something that works.

Instead of asking "are you in pain yes or no?" try asking your husband to rate the pain that he is in out of ten and write it down each day. It might help you identify what works and what doesn't, and you might be able to tell whether there are any long term improvements.

I hope that something I have said is helpful. Dealing with chronic pain is NOT easy and the more you understand it the more you will be able to help your husband. Good luck!

Been recovering from back surgery now for 8 months. I still take an occasional narcotic. Pain can change personality. We can sublimate pain, deny it exists on one level but it affects us on multiple levels. He may be worried about addiction and as he does not take his medication he experiences more pain which he will want to deny.

I was worried about addiction with the whole issue too. On my own, I've now only taken the oxycodone about once every two weeks. My wife does not monitor it. The trick for me was to ask myself if I was taking it because I was in pain or did I just need to 'feel good' it brought to me? I also worked on some Buddhist meditation techniques and they helped too.

I am sorry you're having to experience such a hard thing. I did find however, that my pain became my teacher. It can strip away much of what you worry about, clarify the present moment and if you can avoid becoming emotionally involved in it, you may be able to control it better.

Because his pain is from an unknown reason, he will have more fear that it cannot be controlled, that he will "lose it" and that it a symptom of something deeper, undiscovered and awful. Living in the present moment and focusing on what is happening now can be helpful. There are several good books about meditation and pain control.

I hope this helps!

I am a nurse. I attended a 3 day back pain seminar. There are many seeming unrelated issues that usually can be found with back pain patients. Stress of some nature, job dissatisfaction, relationship issues and so forth are often present when these types of things start. Mine started just as I really got emotionally involved in my loss of faith and all that it brings. I got way down, lost 35 pounds, had bowel and bladder difficulty and ended up in an ambulance and emergency surgery.

Now, if life get stressful, I can tell when I need to get control of it because it settles quickly into my back and I'm home in bed on oxycodone. I've found a mindful soak in a hot mineral spa does the trick and that stress relief is key to managing the symptoms.

One more thing...

Yoga.


Strengthen your core. You'd be amazed at how much it has helped me. The other nice thing is that you can do it at home, it is not competitive and it can relieve stress too!

It could be the CULT, but he might just be afraid of becoming addicted. Could be both. This is what happened to my mom...

My dear mom was addicted toward the end of her life. I know that for her she was influenced by the cult to not be taking pain killers, even though she was in excruciating pain and the doctor prescribed the meds for her. She never took more than she was supposed to or asked other doctors for more RXs or anything like that. But due to her severe pain, she was addicted, addicted with good reason. She was acting guilty until one day I told her this in pretty much these words...
"Mom you are not going to some street corner and searching for a drug pusher so stop acting like you are. You have a legitimate need for the meds the doctor prescribed for you and you are going to stop feeling guilty and take the meds as directed."

I called her bishop and told them to lay off the guilt trip. Believe it or not, they did. I have never been one to beat around the bush. I think he knew that I meant business.