I defined myself by what TSSC told me.
I did well in school because I loved the idea that I would eventually be able to know it all. I strove for perfection, and still do. I was good at it; I was encouraged to learn in the church and I enjoyed it and applied it elsewhere. Now college is dull and meaningless in comparison.
I'm not the brightest anymore. I'm not special. That's how the church taught me to define myself, and I am/was stupid enough to believe them. I failed my chem and physics midterm earlier today. that was the last straw. I should have aced both. Every thing I learn, a computer knows how to do it better. If I disappeared or stayed I would make no impact. I'm no Bill Gates or Albert Einstein. I'm a worthless gnat. None of you would even blink if I stopped living. I'm probably hindering you right now, wasting your time with my inane, tortured rambling.
I have no true friends. I have people who just smile and wave. I'm alone. I can't connect with people. I feel isolated. I keep thinking about being strung up on a rope. And this happens every fucking week. I'm so sick of the pain, the failure, the meaninglessness, the hopelessness. Why don't I just end it.
I have no identity anymore. I'm numb. What's the point. I can't stand living anymore.

Ask for help, and remember that some of us have been where you are. Even the longest night ends with a sunrise.

Exactly. Focus on the good times



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2014 11:24PM by celloman.

5150 ?
are you a cop ?

Hey whoa! remember the one good thing tscc taught you, count your blessings. Your not living in North Korea, your not a holocaust victim, your not paralyzed from the neck down. Pick yourself up! Your character is determined by how you overcome your afflictions, not on what you think the world and especially tscc expects you to be. Talk to a therapist or a psychologist immediately! You might have some sort of chemical imbalance that is causing you to feel the way you do.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2014 11:51PM by johnstockton12.

I have been talking but it hasn't been helping. It feels hopeless. I was even 5150'd for a suicide attempt

I'm praying for you mon18.

Please get some help......life is beautiful, you'll see it someday!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call this Number!
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I know exactly what you are going through, I've been in that exact situation myself.

But you need to talk to a real, live person, not some random text on the internet. Call the number and talk to somebody!

Music has always been my saving grace as a person with suicidal idealization as a child. You can have miles and miles to go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hhDvg20ZRY


It's feelin' longer now than it ever has before
Another memory is another slammin' door
It's gettin' too dark now to see

Every photograph is another lesson learned
Every sleepless night is another page I've turned
I wake up to fallin' dreams

And the petals start to fade by the picket fences
Just another shade of miles and miles to go

If I had a chance, I must've missed it long ago
If I could run away, I wouldn't have to let you go
This angel's bound to stray

Like an hourglass, I'm a soul to sinkin' sand
You try to hold my heart and I will slip right through your hands
Time just blows away

And the petals start to fade by the picket fences
Just another shade of miles and miles to go
And the tears forever flow

And the petals start to fade by the picket fences
Just another shade of miles and miles to go
And this angel's bound to stray
It's another shade of miles and miles to go

That helped, thanks. I hate being suicidal. It gets worse every week.

Choose to live.

It's shitty sometimes, but it CAN get better.

Mon18...sorry you are going through this. You are no way a worthless gnat.

I live alone, have been screwed over by several people that blew me away...but life is good now that the toxic types are out of my life, and I was given a little doggie pal. He keeps me from being lonely, and loves me with every bit of his unconditional little heart. I need him, and he needs me...a win-win.

I think a furry friend might help you over the rough times.

Find your way to an emergency room.
Insist on getting cared for. Don't be belligerent but be insistent.
You deserve to get good mental health care because you are important.
I don't know what state or city you live in. I live in Utah and it is an uphill battle to find professionals that have the expertise to help those that are depressed and suicidal but they do exist.
Don't give up.

Don't let Mormonism win. We here you. I'm on Zoloft. I love it. Been on it 8 years . Please talk to a real person. I've felt the same way when I couldn't get a man and get married. I'm autistic. I don't want to hear about someone dying over Mormonism again. We have had a few members go through with their plan.

Seriously. Many of us have known what you're feeling, and honest, it's never permanent.

Self awareness is a bitch. Now find your own reasons to live and thrive. Selfish ones are acceptable.

thank you

Well, we care now! You have contacted real people here on RFM, and we'll want you to return and report. We worry.

Please get help! Even your primary care physician can help you temporarily.

Since I don't have more facts about you--who knows--maybe you just didn't do as well as you expected on those tests, and you will end up with B's and not complete failure. My TBM son-in-law always thinks he has failed, and he always ends up on top.

Finding out the Mormon church is a fraud cult is extremely upsetting! I didn't sleep for about a week, and it was beginning to effect my job. So, I just got very ANGRY, and swore that the Mormon cult was not going to ruin the rest of my life. I resigned, and made it all stop!

In Mormonism, I was never enough. Never pretty enough or smart enough or popular enough or out-going enough. Mormons love attractive, extroverts, from well-to-do Mormon families. I fell in love with two atheists, but to please my parents, I broke up with them, one at a time, and continued to date only Mormons. I married an RM in the temple, and he beat me, for over a year, while I thought it was somehow my fault, and I tried to work things out. I ended up a single divorced woman--not good--and my parents were ashamed of me.

Your state of mind could be very dangerous--or you could be sharing our common Mormon "angst." I remember Friday nights in the BYU girl's dorms, and someone was always saying, "If I died, no one would care." Whoever said it, honestly felt that way. We were getting a good education, and we had friends, but we were "unmarried and unloved." Our parents didn't love us or approve of us unless we got good grades and had success in dating the best Mormon guys. Weekends without a date were not good. Still, we always had dorm mates to walk to the Dairy Queen, to keep us from committing suicide. It was on such a night that I met the man I would marry 7 years and one divorce later.

Probably you aren't at BYU, but if you are there, or at some other church-owned university, I would advise you to try to go somewhere else. Most of childhood friends who went with me to BYU hated it. Some went home to hometown Junior colleges, to get their grades back up, and be admitted to good universities. I transferred to another university, and lost many credits, but I went from average at BYU (liking the skiing, but not the classes) to getting A's in graduate school, and beyond.

This is a temporary glitch in your life--sorry--I mean, it is more like a mountain! But this, too, shall pass. You can change your mind, make new plans, create new dreams!

The Mormon dream of perfection, and eternal marriage, and being a king or queen in the Celestial Kingdom is all false. Stay in the moment, and live for now, live for youth, live for new knowledge, life for happiness. You are intelligent! Mormons think everything is a contest. Everyone is compared to someone more perfect. Most likely that perfect student at the top of your class is also searching for Truth, and not finding it. Be patient. You will get through this.

(((hugs)))

I know what you are going through. I live it every single day. The thoughts you are having cross my mind 50 to sometimes 100 times per day.

This is what I do know, that if I can do it, so can you. Get help, reach out, call the hotline, call someone you know.

And lastly, know this, we just met through this forum, but I am your friend!

From what I gather any sudden large social loss or change can trigger suicidal thoughts (even in an otherwise completely healthy person). Anything from losing a loved one, a job you loved, or a worldview that you had since you were born.

I had suicidal and other intense negative thoughts off and on after leaving Mormonism. Like you, they really distracted me from college. I received a few C's in classes I should have been able to handle much better than that, but after a couple semesters since I left I felt much more balanced and less distracted.

My own theory on where these suicidal thoughts come from is that they are the mind's suggestion for a way to escape it's fears of the present and it's predictions about the future. The problem is that the mind simply does not have an accurate concept of reality. It is only calculating based off your strongest emotional experiences.

So in my experience one helpful strategy is to become a kind of brain-whisperer by giving yourself repeated strong emotional/social experiences that communicate to your mind that you belong to groups that accept and value you.

There's obvious essential things like working out intensely a few times a week, eating delicous and healthy food and taking time everyday to do something just because you enjoy it that will over time communicate to your body and mind that you are safe and well. Basically being good to yourself.

And then there's more potent things like taking risks and going a little out of your comfort zone to try new things with new people.

Maybe some volunteering, finding a meetup.com group that is up your alley, or a college club related or unrelated to your major.

These positive experiences will begin to fill your mind's narrative with new people and places that it will identify as your "community." People that like you and want you around. In my experience this is the most potent and certain thing that will have a positive impact. It might not fix everything, but it's certain to have a positive impact.

The mind, by its evolved functions, seems to reward us when we contribute to a group, by releasing all sorts of endorphins. It also seems to alert us by releasing painful emotional sensations when it perceives us separated from groups we are familiar with and not having regular positive experiences. This alert is there to hopfuly nudge us to try something new socially.

My advice to speed up the process would be to start small. As small as you can and build from there and stay consistent.

That's awesome you are talking to a therapist about this and shows that you are already good at going out of your comfort zone. I would also suggest that you find a close friend or family member that you can really open all the way up to if you aren't. For some reason this was really helpful for me.

Know that countless people for many reasons have felt very similar to the way you described. And many of them have found their way back to feeling excitement and love for their life to the point that instead of their mind giving them ideas about escaping life, it is frequently telling them about how awesome life is and all the fun things it wants to try and is looking forward to.

Also don't feel bad about taking an easier workload next semester if you have to. It can only help to give yourself more allowance to take care of yourself and explore your interests.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2014 12:53AM by NoMoBlues.

Man just hold on! The best part about life when you're out of the church is that the future is full of possibilities. So you're not perfect? Who cares! Listen my friend, please get some professional help. The world is so much better outside the church. Sometimes it just takes a while to unravel all that the church has done to you, but you CAN uravel it!!! And the. Life is free to make it whatever you want.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. Your campus has a student health center that includes counseling services. I recommend that you take advantage of it. Please see a professional counselor ASAP and tell that counselor exactly what you told us.

If you feel that you can not wait that long, then call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or go to a hospital ER.

You are depressed, and depression is a treatable illness. Treat it as you would any other illness and GET HELP. Please report back to us soon and let us know how you are doing.

I hear you. I have always loved learning, and loved fantasizing about how what I was learning now was just the tip of the iceberg, that someday I would know everything! Now I don't know if I believe in an afterlife. It's been a huge rock to trip over. Sometimes I wonder, am I just running in circles? What's the point? But, as I pick myself up, I realize that, in a very real way... all those things we were waiting for, are NOW. We were waiting to be gods. We are gods NOW--gods of our own personal universe, consorting with the gods of other universes. And as the gods of our own universes, we do create. We have the opportunity of creating relationships, of interacting with, teaching, and learning from those other gods all around us, I don't have all the answers. It can seem silly and worthless and pointless. But all I have to hold on to is that we CAN progress NOW. We CAN create NOW. We CAN rule our own lives NOW. Wherever I am, the eternity I was looking for is NOW. I'm determined to make it good, and give myself leave to enjoy the NOW, instead of forever waiting for it.

What an excellent philosophy. You should repost this response in its own thread.

You matter! I'm sorry that you hurt so much! Please call:
Suicide Hotline Info 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I'm still here. Thank you so much for the support. I'm hopeful again.

I'm here for you, too mon18! I have had those feelings. But, as others have pointed out, it passes. Please talk to someone and call the numbers given. I promise it will help.

I have been there too. I was on academic probation my first year...it was an adjustment to not be the smartest, prettiest, etc.. I pretty much had to take the whole year over. I graduated with a BS in a very male dominated science field. I now have a great job... I still was depressed... Meds help me. Life is great some days, good others, average most, and bad some. You can make it through! College is not for everyone...many many successful people (way more successful than me!) have dropped out or not gone.. Don't talk to yourself worse than how you would speak to your friends. Treat yourself like you would treat your friends...

You have not "wasted" anyone's time here. It's just the opposite. Look at ALL the lengthy responses. People took careful time and energy to say just how much they care and worry about you. Even if they don't know how to help. We do it because we have been in exactly the same place!

And we have managed to get past that dark place...you will too.

You went from living in a small pond to being in the wide ocean.

All the Mormon rules only work for the pond. You have to make your own rules in the ocean because it is so vast.

Your rules might be to learn and find something that gives you satisfaction.

You have not had to define your own goals and interests because up to now, the church has defined your McLife for you.

It is disorienting at first.

I remember being in college and not being able to pick a major. I didn't know what to be. I went through the catalog of courses and tried to sit in on an intro class for various majors. The one that oddly interested me was microbiology. When I held my first petri dish I saw a small world I wanted to explore. For you it might be a certain type of literature or plants, or computer science or something you have not even hear of yet.

By trial and error, I had to find what kinds of jobs fit my interests. By one door closing and another opening here and there, my career course has taken several turns. To be honest I still ponder what I want to be when I grow up (and I am in my 60s!).

You ultimately need to make ONE person happy. That's you. Follow your bliss. Be kind to yourself. Find any help you need. Be open to possibilities around you. And remember, failure is only one way of telling you to learn and try something else.

Please, remember we are here to listen but seek out professional help!

I work in the medical field.

I have a family history of mental illness and I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for years in my life.

Let me be clear, Mental Health is just as vital as your body getting the nutrients it needs.

You wouldn't condemn someone for being tired if they never ate would you? Why condemn yourself for feeling suicidal when your obviously struggling with mental health issues?

Depression and Anxiety is just as normal and human as catching a cold and getting the flu.

We have a pathetic stigma in the world that people with Mental Health issues are crazy. While there are some out there who are genuinely crazy one of the key characteristics of a crazy person is they don't know they are crazy.

You, concerned with your own mental health are by your very nature NOT crazy and NORMAL.

Go...get help...go to the ER if necessary...

This is a beautiful world...we need people like you in it...people who have seen the darkest night...so you can show others what it's like to truly live!

We learn by contrast...you can't know beauty until you've seen pain.

This world needs you! You make an impact...we can't all be albert einsteins...we can't all save the world...but we can impact those around us and make a difference.

All the best,

-Jorsen

I've been where you are and come out the other side.

Hang on in there. Get help. Phone a suicide helpline right now. Go to your GP. Do it today.

Things get better. You can be happy, and you are special. You are unique. The church took these parts of you and claimed them for their own.

I've struggled with bouts of chemical depression my entire life. You say you evision a rope in your mind inviting you to hang yourselp and that the images are getting stronger by the day. Like you, I see myself slitting my writsts every day of my life. I've learned to ignore the compulsion.

Rumination is part of chemical depression (thinking about the same thing over and over again). I wonder if that's part of what's going on with you. I've found that chemical adjustmens to my brain - medication - can help lessen those obsessive thoughts.

Good luck.

;o)

I cannot say enough about how meds could help. People worry they won't be able to think. Depression impairs learning and reasoning. Your life is precious. All higher learnings institutions have counseling centers. Please go. Just walk in.