My soon to be ex-wife and I converted to Mormonism back in 2009. We were never temple worthy and have been in and out for the past few years but now that my wife and I have separated and are finishing the divorce process she has gone fully active and is spouting more LDS like comments on social media as the weeks pass.
Obviously my anti mormon research and inability to fully commit was a wedge in our marriage and she is now free to be herself. I support that 100%
However, I am terrified at the thought of my children somehow being swallowed up in this faith.
I am uncertain of my faith at this time...I am an Atheist in practice but hoping to find God or some closure to it at some point. Above all I have no desire to indoctrinate but I fear that by not speaking out about what I do know to be true I will lose by default by not holding a position for the children to be aware of.
My step son agrees with me...he sort of followed me during my faith crisis and he is also an atheist but my step daughter and my 8 year old daughter are both religious. I have a 3 year old daughter too.
I hope that I can introduce some tolerance into their life...even if I end up having a pseudo-church when I have them over some weekends to introduce humanistic concepts.
I just want to be happy...and not lose my children.
They are lucky to have you, having their backs. I am sure you will do your best. Not all Mormon kids have a loving voice and watchful eyes that care more about them than Mormonism. That may be enough.
You will be in a political and social match. Hopefully you will get some good insights here.
Best!
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2014 01:48PM by gentlestrength.
Patience and honesty go a long way towards critical thinking skills. Ask more questions and listen to their answers. Give your opinion in a loving way that challenges them about they way they're thinking and how they came to their conclusions, rather than the conclusions themselves.
I don't know this for a fact, but I believe kids who have a parent who doesn't believe have a greater chance of not believing themselves than kids whose parents are both believers.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2014 02:11PM by Devoted Exmo.
There is a lot of research that shows girls' academic and career aspirations and success are highly influenced by having a dad who encourages them - walk walks the talk by cooking, doing dishes....
Encourage them. Send them to science or art camp instead of EFY. Take them to shows and on cool trips. Help them set and achieve goals. If you treat them as a man's equal they will hopefully find their way out.
I have been the child in a situation very similar to this. I am much older now so here is what I think.
First, never trash your ex or her beliefs in front of the kids. Just state that you feel differently and carefully explain that in an age appropriate tone. Of course with bishop interviews that is another ball game (NO WAY! without an adult present) but for young children they don't need the details on the belief difference and they don't need the stress of you saying something bad about the other parent.
Second, as your daughters grow you want to make sure you give them the option of choices in life. The TBM lifestyle is not exactly conducive to that. Make sure that your daughters know that they can lead, they can speak up, they can be people - this will not happen at church and you can support them in developing leadership qualities that will basically get them out without ever having to say a word about the church.
Third, put them in a position of power. 8 year olds and 3 year olds are impressionable. If they understand that they can have a considered opinion every place in their life but church - it makes a huge impact. Educate them as they grow about evidence based reality - women without educations who marry young and have children do not do well in life (statistically speaking) as women who wait to marry and gain educations.
Fourth, make sure they understand what is normal. This sounds insane but normal is so foreign to the TBM lifestyle that they will see the difference as they grow. Make sure you get them a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves". There's no way they will read it all but children in abstinence only education lose their viginity at earlier ages, have increased rates of STDs/pregnancies/abortions then children who have been given information about their bodies. Make sure they understand that being raped or chosing to have sex (totally different things) are situations that will not solely define the rest of their existence or their worthiness. These things are a long way off for your kids but the mormons start the modesty talk at 4 (see the Friend magazine) and sex issues in Primary.
Fifth, make sure you nuture your female children to have appropriate relationships with males. It is not appropriate to be alone with a grown male behind closed doors who asks you inappropriate questions - even if mom says you have to do it, you don't. They are not responsible for how men or boys chose to behave - they are responsible for how they choose to behave. And what they are wearing or not wearing doesn't matter - as long as they feel they are respecting themselves and are comfortable in their outfits.
Sixth, you are their parent. You are not their friend. When s**t hits the fan you are there for them. Whatever problem or issue they have - you are a safe place for them. You need to remain open to whatever happens in their lives. Make sure they understand that.
So that's it. You've got young kids. You've got decades of negotiation in front of you. Don't put the religious stress or the relationship problems on the kids. Give them the tools to protect themselves when they do well or screw up. Make sure they understand that you are excited at seeing what they will choose to be in life and you don't want that limited when they should have lots of choices.
It is easy to be terrified now. The potential of the future is immense and that burden is also a glorious opportunity. A little too cheesy there but it is well meant.
My TBM mother hasn't gone to a bishop interview alone in years. And while there is still all kinds of rabid belief going on - there is also the acknowledgement of the reality of the issues that the mormon church refuses to address in their practices. So don't lose sight of the fact that as your children grow their mother may change as well.
Be a great parent. That's what you do. No matter how the kids come out know that you did your best to give them the tools to help them rock their world.
Sometimes you cannot remove a poison, but can dilute it.
The fundamental root poison of Mormonism is that it teaches that its members are superior to everyone else and have light that others do not have. It is racist, sexist and homophobic at its core. It is on the wrong side of every single moral issue of our time.
Your influence is important, but you can do a lot to dilute this non-diversity-respecting world view. Regardless of your personal views about God, take them to the Unitarian Church as an antidote to Mormon indoctrination. Take them every week and tell them this is where they will meet many different kinds of people and learn what they believe from their own lips. It's educational and that's why you are going because you're investigating religions and how people live their religion. The emphasis is on people, not doctrine.
Your children will learn that pagans are not devil-worshippers, that gay people have children and families just like you, that people who believe differently are not dangerous to us, that women can be priests, that people with diverse beliefs can have ceremonies together, eat together and laugh together. Honestly, this will do more to undo the crippling brainwashing of exceptionality than anything you could say about it.
Your ongoing relationship with your children is about them and helping them to get a realistic take on what the world is really like. You and your unconditional love are part of that diverse world, but not all of it.
Wouldn't it be great if, as a result, they made some really good friends they could play with when they come visit? This will go a long way when it comes to that time to take them for a few weeks in the summer.
There came a time, when raising my children in the LDS Church that I realized that part of my parenting was to give them permission to believe any religious belief they wanted, and to change their mind if they wanted also. I knew instinctively, that I could not control or force a belief system on a child. I could teach principles of universal truths, such as love one another, and be kind, and polite, and treat others the way you want to be treated, and wait to see if any of it sunk in.
I had to let go of the notion that I could control someone else's beliefs. When I did that, the pressure was gone. I could relax and allow them to grow up. I do not want anyone telling me what belief system I can adopt and I am certainly not going to do that to anyone else.
Of my TBM friends, those who have exposed & encouraged their children to understand faiths from around the world, have the most well-adjusted attitudes. And several of them have consequently left the church.
Editing to add: Agency is the way to teach this. Exercising personal agency to choose their own paths, worship or not.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2014 07:18PM by EveEphraim.
Put in writing in the divorce decree that religious decisions require approval of both parents so that your children can't be baptized without your agreement.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/30/2014 07:45PM by caedmon.