So I have a TBM brother who has three sons.

Last year he wrote me a letter saying that he "accepts" me for who I am (I'm gay), but when myself and my boyfriend are around the family, we are not to "express affection" between my boyfriend and I lest I influence my nephews and they learn bad behavior (ie, they might become gay).

Is this book too passive aggressive a gift to give my nephews?

http://www.sltrib.com/blogs/1310649-155/book-lds-christ-club-deseret-jones

They probably won't even get it!



How about if you buy a vial of small candy "pills" for your nephews. Make it look like a standard prescription for pills. Make a label for it:

Prescription for:
LDS boys

Take 1 tab b.i.d. morning and night with scriptures to prevent becoming gay

Double the dose if around any gays expressing affection



Give it to your brother who apparently is an ignoramus.

Just say, "I accept that you are a bigot, but I must insist your children take these pills when my boyfriend and I are visiting."

You also might want to mention he should get the prescription filled before he sends his boys on missions where they will live with other males and avoid girls during the height of their sexual years.

:-)

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I have one like that, too. I wish that I could figure out a way to give your brother a better attitude. That would be the best possible gift for the children.

One of my nephews, who is gay, has spent his whole life desperately trying to deny the truth, and to hide the truth, and to twist himself into the super-straight man that his father demands. The struggle has turned him from a funny, pleasant, bright kid into a bitter, furious, and desperately unhappy adult.

I am thinking that the best realistic gift for your nephews may be to just let them know that you are doing well, and that you will be there for them if they ever need it.

Honestly, I would tell your brother thanks but no thanks. If someone (family or not) told me "I love you and accept you but you can't act like a normal couple with your mate around my family" I'd never put up with that, you accept me then you accept my mate as well, we generally come as a package. Just my 2 cents

I totally agree with greenAngel. There's no way in hell I'd let anyone tell me that I couldn't express affection toward the person I love. My brother tried to do the same thing to me once. I told him to go f@ck himself, and that I wouldn't have anything to do with him until his behavior improved. And his behavior quickly improved.

The first time I brought my boyfriend (now husband) home for Christmas my Mom informed us that we had to stay in separate bedrooms. The next couple of times we went home we stayed in a hotel. We never said anything to Mom or made a scene. We just chose not to stay in her home. I know Mom was hurt by that, but she also knew it was the consequence of her actions. After the second time we wouldn't stay at my parents house she changed her mind. She decided she'd rather have her kids close to her instead of pushing them away.

If your brother has said you can't express affection around his kids, maybe you should tell him he's not allowed to say anything having to do with mormonism around you. It's only fair. Tell him you accept him as he is, but anything to do with mormonism around you is forbidden.

Sorry for the rant about something that wasn't the intent of your post. As far as your nephews go, my advice is to be the absolute coolest uncle and adult that they know. Put a lot of thought into giving them the coolest gifts they get. And make sure they know the gifts are from you AND your boyfriend, not just you. Spend lots of time playing with them and interacting with them. Kids aren't stupid, and I imagine they already know you're gay and have a boyfriend.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/15/2014 12:11PM by bezoar.

Subtlety is not generally a Mormon attribute.

I would ask what your nephew really wants as a gift, and sign the card, with love from Pathoss and Fred.

Let them make of THAT what they will.

Get them THIS book instead -

http://feelingsforsteve.blogspot.com/2012/03/strange-feelings-for-steve.html

What gift are you referring to? The link just showed a bunch of random Perhaps you could elaborate on what gift you are intending.

I wish I could give (those young 'uns) the gift that most could use so well - plain, simple, accurate information, pointing the way out of the zoo, to true and lasting freedom and happiness - something right in front off their parent's eyes.

That's pretty crazy that he actually said that (and obviously believes it)! I think you should write him a letter thanking him for 'accepting you as you are', and then tell him that you accept him for who he is too, but that you are including some materials to educate him about how exactly one develops (or doesn't as the case may be) sexual preference. It's also pretty offensive that he's telling you that you can't be yourself around them. How would he feel if you said that he couldn't say or do anything religious or church associated around you because you don't like it....?? It's the same thing.

Don't have sex at the dinner table. That's probably what he's driving at. The kids'll figure out you're normal, despite what they're taught. They're not just blank slates; they can think for themselves. Besides, sneaking kisses is a lot more fun than PDAs.

I think they probably want to spend time with you (their uncle). Take them to a movie that they've been wanting to see and have some popcorn. Then after go get a burger. Sometimes a physical gift is less important them time with you.

What exactly is meant by: not showing affection?
That can be anything from a warm smile, to a full blown Snogging session/dry humping on the dinner table...

What a strange rule to impose on family members!?

Do they tell any other adult that as well? Is it okay for an aunt and uncle to snog in front of the nephews? Has anybody ever tried?

I'd advice you to just get the boys a cool gift. Be the cool uncle. Get them something exciting and neat.

Subtlety is not something most mormons recognise anyway

What an awful, awful book! What's with apostles' second wives--they always have to write a book. Probably their husband's notoriety is one of the two perks of their marriage, so why not take advantage of it? The other perk being living first-class off of members' tithing money. (Sex would not be a perk. That's why apostles have to marry virgins--LOL)

Don't punish your nephews. Give the book to your brother, instead.

I agree that you should give your nephews really nice, thoughtful gifts.

Who's house are you going to? Your brother has no right to be a dictator in someone else's house. What about the rest of your family? Is it worth it to see them, and enjoy them, and try to put up with your brother? What is a "display of affection?"

I would go nuts, knowing I was being watched. I mean, what if you brush a crumb off your partner, or bump into each other in a doorway, or sit too close on the couch, or make too much eye contact? Can you watch yourselves carefully, and still relax and have a good time? Maybe you could make a game out of it. I'm way too serious about bigotry, but a lot of people can laugh it off.

If the family gathering is at your brother's house, I wouldn't go--but I would give nice gifts to your nephews. Go out and have a fun evening with your partner, instead. You have a right to go visit your family members, individually, without the dark cloud of prejudice hanging over the two of you. Call first, and drop by with your partner, for a brief visit, bring them a plant, cookies, a gift, or something.

It isn't too late for the two of you to have your own family get-together in your own home, where your own rules apply. You can invite whoever you want. If you invite your brother, don't counter him with the Mormon thing--it never does any good to argue with Mormons, and the poster is right who said that Mormons don't take a hint. Just make it clear to your brother, "My house, my rules."

"Accepts" - to quote Inigo Montoya - "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Would he be satisfied with a similar rule if you told him that you wouldn't want him and his wife being affectionate around you (or potential future offspring)?

I don't know your brother or how high-strung he is, but these two items may help him understand his hypocrisy. The first one is funny, especially if you can manage the Inigo accent. The second less so.

Good luck.

I'm with some of the other posters. That's just nonsense. I use the same litmus test I'd use for sexism. If straight people wouldn't put up with that crap, then GLBTQ people shouldn't either. You'd never tell a straight couple it's okay to be straight just as long as they don't hold hands at the family gathering. Don't tolerate that.

And I'd not even address it. But I would make a point of showing affection to my partner in their presence, but not verbally drawing attention to it. In short, I'd act just like all the straight couples present. It's up to the homophobe to figure out that relationships are relationships, gender of the two parties being irrelevant. It's not your job to educate them. Just be you. All y'all do you and don't worry about the bigot nephews.

I'd suggest this book instead:

http://www.amazon.com/Tango-Makes-Three-Justin-Richardson/dp/0689878451

I'd also suggest you let your brother know that while you accept him "as he is," when he's in your home he's not to show any affection toward his heterosexual partner, as you don't want any "bad habits" expressed that might lead to poor behavioral choices.

:)

GREAT POST!!! I had never seen this.

I like the guy who said it's all about love.

I have two daughters who are gay. Would I wish that on them? Hell no. It's like a gay marriage counselor I went to with my wife and she said, "why would I choose to be gay?..With the way the world is and all the shame and hardships...why would I choose to be gay???" Good point. I don't believe for a minute that it's a choice. Do I understand it? Hell no. But how do I feel about my two daughters who are gay? Well, it's none of my business. It's their lives. I'm not bothered in the least. I've had my day in the sun. And thinking all about how guys are...I'm kind of relieved my daughters are gay. How can I deny my kids??? Has nothing to do with me. Treehouse rules? Well, I guess I need to build my own treehouse where the rules are.."cmon in, all are welcome."

Very bizarre...

Too many TBMs are afraid of seeing things (they don't currently agree with) that aren't really there.