I'm too old to worry about schizophrenia, but my anger is too much for most people, and I can be very mean. I am very good at being mean.

My favorite mission story is making the mission president's wife cry when she tried to put me in my place. Sometimes I enjoy it.

None of this means this is who I want to be. I would trade it for humility if I could keep my absolute skepticism but not hurt the feelings of friends, family, or average people.

I blame mormonism for some of this, and Christianity for some of it, and abusive and ignorant parenting for some of it. At my age, clearly I am this man, and have been this man, so I have to blame myself for some of it too.

Took my first dose of an antipsychotic medication tonight in the hopes it will help me be nicer to people I love; to think more clearly before I start and escalate verbal fights. To stop thinking everything is attacking me.

I got out of mormonism a decade ago. I feel so much better now. I am not afraid of people taking advantage of me anymore, I've learned how manipulation works. Yet I still treat people like they are a threat to me.

This isn't really a question, I suppose. I don't know what to think. I told the psychiatrist I needed big hammer, because therapy hasn't worked, antidepressants and anti anxiolytics don't work well enough.

I don't like being mean. It is a powerful high, but very rarely have I chosen targets that I didn't regret later. Sometimes so much that I felt sick for weeks.

I think I have the skills to be evil, but my heart has never been in it. Right now I am afraid the drugs won't work, that I'll be hated, and deserve it, for life.

Good for you for working on you!

Once when I was teaching a large group in primary, I asked the kids to name some things they were grateful for.
One of the most ornery seven year-olds you can imagine raised his hand and said he was grateful for good medicine that could help you feel happier inside. I said "AMEN!!!!"

Good drugs can be wonderful. I hope it helps you.
Hang in there!

I hope they work for you.

Maybe you need to find an outlet for your feelings. Something that will not hurt yourself or others. Some of my deepest darkest thoughts get written in stories. And some of my most heartfelt emotions are written in happy stories. Writing works for me. Find something nondestructive and pour you heart and mind into it. You'll find it's very cathartic and more therapeutic than mind-altering drugs.

There's nothing wrong with "mind altering drugs" when prescribed by a good doctor to a patient who knows what needs to be done to help his patients. We don't judge diabetics for taking insulin, so why attach stigma to psychiatric treatment?

Amen to that.

meditation works, and can help you relax, and face and deal with your issues.

As long as you're anonymous, would you mind saying what antipsychotic you've started? I've experience with several, as have quite a few others, I'd imagine.

And what anxiolytics? I consider myself a benzo addict despite not having touched any for years. Wonderful and dangerous shit. Big in the Morridor, of course.

I've been on Xanax for years, to help with PTSD. And the stuff is a godsend, the way it helps you calm down.

Several months ago, like a dunce, I took more than I was supposed to, and suddenly found myself with a week to go before my next refill and only one pill per day until then. I had been taking 3 or 4.

I rationed myself down to 1/2 pill every 12 hours. That was the longest week of my life. I had constant, involuntary tremors, couldn't sleep, had a knot in my stomach the size of a basketball - it was HIDEOUS. My pharmacist told me later that I should have been hospitalized for at least the first 3 days, because of the tremors.

Once I got my refill, the worst of the symptoms had passed, so I have stayed at one pill per day, and seem to be doing OK, but I'm terrified to let go of that one pill.

I'm ashamed to be dependent, but too scared to let go completely.

Good luck with your medication. I've had the experience, like you, of absolutely tearing into someone verbally, and it felt like a real high. The few times I've done it, it was to a person who totally had it coming, so I felt justified, but I didn't like the way that being viciously nasty felt so GOOD. That is scary.

I will 2nd the xanax. It's a god send. Thanks eloheim and jesus for inspiring the pharmaceutical folks whom made this drug. I don't take it every day. I use it for when I give a public speech in my profession. For instance, last month I gave a speech to about 500 officials from another agency. I received rave reviews from my superiors. I came across so confident....I could see it in the audience faces. Best speech of my life. I couldn't have done it w/o xanax..case closed. Been struggling with a shakey voice and public speaking nerves my whole life. The morgue help me perfect my story telling skills.

The anxiolytics I've tried are xanax and clonazepam.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I got a good night's sleep last night.

Please try a cocktail of Risperadone and Tegratol, WITH YOUR DOCTORS APPROVAL OF COURSE.
Risperidone is an anti-psychotic and tegretol is an anti-seizure med but when in combination with Risperadone, it changes horrifying behavior. My husband is a different person with these. I am so happy to have these available. Ask your doctor.

Please EVERYONE - because of our culture's "war on drugs," people have become nearly fanatical about taking meds that they need. You are not some drug addict standing on some corner seeking a pusher for hell's sake. When it is a drug you actually need, there is NO shame in it and when it is a drug you need and are taking it as prescribed, you are NOT abusing it.

We need to understand that some mental illnesses need meds just like some physical illnesses do. We have to remove the stigma of mental illness and we need to be grateful that we have modern meds for all kinds of illnesses including mental illnesses and mental conditions. There is no shame in having an illness, physical or mental. Please remember that. With my husband's condition, even 20 or so years ago, he would have been locked up in a mental hospital, but thanks to the correct meds, he is doing well.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Risperdone is a god send for my "OCD-tendencies," but it killed my sex drive, something humiliating for a young man.

That's really interesting. My mother is a late-onset schizophrenic, and she did extremely well on a newer antipsychotic called Geodon for six years. When she lost her state assistance, she had to quit taking it rather abruptly, and I noticed something as her illness re-asserted itself: she got really mean-spirited. While she'd been taking it, I felt like I was meeting her real self for the first time because she was so different from the sadistic mother I grew up with. Then as the drug cleared itself from her system, the meanness came back.

I've never seen cruelty listed as a symptom of schizophrenia, but that was the first sign that her symptoms were coming back. I don't know anything about your brain chemistry or developmental experiences, but I can tell you that some psychotic conditions *absolutely* DO cause people to be mean; I've seen it; I've seen medication change them. I hope you are successful in overcoming it, whatever the cause may be.

Medication has helped me. I hope it can help you, Anon.

My dad was diagnosed as schizophrenic - boy was he mean. Somewhere around his 70's he turned into a real sweetie. He never would take any meds.

I don't think being an asshole meets the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia, you need to be a delusional asshole.

That made me laugh out loud.

I don't think being an asshole meets the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia. Me neither. I'm an asshole and I'm not delusional just passive aggressive. I might be a much more entertaining asshole if I was delusional.

Being an entertaining asshole might turn you into Don Rickles, so think it over first. Being a normal asshole is a great defense mechanism. Keeps the riffraff away. I'm much more comfortable being an asshole now that I'm out of the church and much less delusional.

Tom Padley Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Being an entertaining asshole might turn you into
> Don Rickles, so think it over first.

Yes. You have a great point. I'll rethink that one.

> I'm much more comfortable being
> an asshole now that I'm out of the church and much
> less delusional.

Also a very excellent point. I assume the longer I am out of the delusions of Mormonism, the more comfortable I will be as an asshole.

I too am a garden variety asshole, sadly I do not, to the best of my knowledge, qualify as one of the more sexy esoteric assholes such as megalomaniac or despot.

Prozac has been one of the drugs I have been using for 20 years. It has been a help for what ails me. Only problem was when I drank alcohol which is not indicated to be used while taking this medication. The combination intensified the effect of the alcohol. Not a good idea, so I gave up the booze.

I think it's a very positive thing that you are aggressively pursuing mental health. I wish you well.

I'm not sure this post is all that off OT. I hated my MP and his wife. He was an ass and she was a mean person. I remember one occassion being publicly humilated and put in my place by my MP in a leadership conference. Long story short, he thought I had handled a baptismal interview innappropriatly. She had had an abortion and I expained she would need to meet with the MP. Not my rule. I didn't make her feel bad in the interview. I didn't even stumble, but for whatever reason the MP said she had gotten that idea. Whatever, he didn't need to embarrass me in our mission conference. I would give anything to be time warped back into that Chapel, with those 200 missionaries looking on - to be able to stand up for myself, and yes, make the MP wife cry and the MP too, if I could. Sometimes standing up for yourself is okay to do, especially in a cult. You may be a little hard on yourself. I know you are very honest and introspective from this post. The situation may not be as bad as you perceive. We are always our own worst critic. A lot of us have projected anger at times stemming from our days at the moron church and our moron parents. You know what i think? I think the fact that you are so introspective and concerned - this will not be a problem for you in two years. You'll look back and go, "Wow..I solved that problem...I used to be that way, now I'm not."

Anon for this, I'm truly not trying to be a smartass, but have you tried marijuana? I've been reading about some of the benefits of cannibis and that includes help for people with emotional disorders. Just wondering.

Unfortunately, psychosis is one of the few conditions where medical cannabis may not be a good idea.

I think it's a good idea...whatever works. Plus, it's not clear that OP is psychotic (i.e. auditory and visual hallucinations), but you never know.

Ok, love the responses here, lot of good shit if I can use my potty mouth.

Ok, So. First off, welcome to the Psycho Club. I mean really...the good news is that there are so many people in this world that belong but never consider joining the club. Sad for them, but great for YOU.

Me? Well, have never really been well adjusted. My Mom was a bitch, my Dad was very physically abusive. Am I a product of nature? Or am I product of nurture? Who knows? Who cares? I'm not a researcher or a biologist. Who has time to study that shit? And how many of these people who do are nothing but a diploma on the wall?

You are you. Nothing to be ashamed about Bro...(are you a Bro or a Sis? No matter). Look, there are no real experts in all this field and you can't let your sanity hinge on the conclusions of one Psychiatrist or Psychologist or Counselor. Nothing wrong with them and you should keep pressing on with them. But for me, I've gone through ten at least and everytime they get it wrong and have nothing else to offer, I fire them (after all, I'm a consumer). It's not much different than calling a plumber and he charges you 200 bucks and your pipes still leak.

Look. Stop focusing on "the norms" and the "dreams." You probably walk around all day thinking "God, I'm different...I'm F'd up, look at all these happy people around me, why cant I be like them?" Dude, if you could only see through them, see their lives and their souls, you'd see that most of them are just as f'd up...only they hide it better than you or they are totally oblivious to what is going on inside of them. I mean all this criminal shit doesn't just come outta nowhere. There is unhappiness in every marriage, theres a guy standing around the water cooler just like you. There's child abusers and murderers and god knows what else. You're comparing yourself with a fantasy. So you got problems. Big deal. Welcome to earth.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know you but I can with 100% positively tell you that you have some great qualities. Especially because you care about your behavior. Did Ted Bundy care about his behavior? Hell no.

Now lets get a handle on this prescription drug thing. Look a drug is a drug. Did you know that more people die of prescription drugs than heroin and coke combined? Fact. Don't take my word for it...look it up. My point isn't "sweet, let's go out and do some coke." Good god no. Went down that road...dead end. My point is that most Psych's will throw medications at you left and right then go home and feel like they did their good deed for the day. My favorite saying? Well, you've already heard it. Doctors PRACTICE medicine. Meaning...they don't really know all the answers.

You gotta take charge of you and you're obviously doing that. You see something about yourself and want to change it. Awesome. Welcome to the world of us crazies. I take seroquel. Which is meant for schizo's...my crazy cousins. I don't hear voices or anything but it was prescribed to balance me out. Well, it works pretty well I must say. And I take a few other meds. Wish I could just write you a prescription and make your world all better but the truth is that in this world, you have to take charge of yourself, go through a million docs and scripts and keep searching until you finally are satisfied with yourself and feel like "hey...this is it...this may be as good as it's ever gonna get.

I am not a fan of mind altering medications. By that I mean that if it's giving you a severe high or extreme peace (like xanax) it's probably not right for you. You should arrive to a place where you feel semi-normal but not drugged up or have your mind altered. You're not looking for a high...you should be looking to be a normal mo-fo with all the same shit everyone goes around feeling. Imperfect yet able to have a grasp on living life semi normal whatever that is. Ain't no-one in this world that exits it singing Cumbaya. Its tough. It's hard. But it's meant to shape us into men or women.

You could walk past me in the supermarket, look at me and think damn, wish I was all peaceful like him. Really??? I'm a freaking psycho bro. You're not alone, you're not weird. I've felt aggressive, hell, I was the original columbine student only I kept that shite in check. They were idiots...I could have done a lot better. What defines us isn't what we feel, it's how we act. We are men, We are not animals. We feel urges and instincts but we don't act like animals. You're doing just fine. You see something inside yourself, you don't act on it. So you fired off some mean words. Take a deep breath next time. Think about how you want to kill that person and don't kill them. It's all good. Keep pressing on. Find that part of you that quiets all the other voices in your head. It starts with loving that idiot across from you. Look at him or her like you look at yourself and laugh...he;s an idiot just like me. You'll do fine. You're doing fine. Don't let people put you in a box. Trust me, there aint a big enough box for people like us! LOL

"What defines us isn't how we feel, it's how we act"

YES! Thank you for putting that out there. This is a nugget of wisdom.

just a little addendum. cause this is a passionate topic for me. Did OJ Simpson go to a counselor before he cut his ex-wife's head nearly clean off? Hell no. He should have, but he didn't. And the rest is history.

Did the Green River Killer ever go to a psychiatrist telling them his fantasies of killing women and necrophilia? I know...ugly word, but he did it. And I dunno, call me stupid but as far as his story goes, I don't think he did.

Did the BTK killer seek out counseling and meds before he killed a few dozen women? Of course not. He just sat back and did what he pleased.

Look Bro or Sis...I don't think you quite grasp what a milestone you have crossed. It's huge. I could give a shit about you being verbally abusive. Do you know how many bosses in my job thought the were the beginning middle and end and thought they could say whatever they wanted?. People didn't like them. More importantly, YOU don't like how you do that.

Do you realize this HUGE hurdle you have overcome? I mean, I've worked around a million people in my day that think that they can say and do whatever they want. THEY'LL NEVER GET BETTER...because they feel they have a free meal ticket to do and say whatever they want. You're not a problem Bro, you are the solution. You see inside of yourself something that doesn't quite fit with what you want to be. Do you really understand how huge that is??? You're not OJ, you're not the Green River Killer, you ain't the BTK dude. You're a human being that wants to do better, wants to be better. It's freaking HUGE that you see something about yourself and want to change it. Sticks and stones..so you blurt out what you think. Do you know how many people in this world do that and don't give a shit???

Drug this, drug that. Dude, you have already won half the battle! God, I feel like you are me. Back when I started my own journey. It doesn't matter if I'm older then you or you me. What matters is that you decided to join the human race. Major Victory for you.

Don't second guess yourself, don't feel you are inferior, don't feel like you're not part of the crowd. In my experience, only the select few in this world actually question who they are and what they do. To me, I feel like I live in a world of zombies...hell, call them mormons for all I care. They live in a world of rules and regulations and that's good enough for them. You live in a world apart from them. I just wish I could get across to you what a huge step you are taking.

Like I said, welcome to the crazy club. It's not such a bad place. At least we care about who we are and what we do and how we behave. I hate to see you get down on yourself for being different. I want you to understand that hell yes you are different...you are one of the select few that cares about their own behavior. I don't think at this point you can actually grasp just how huge that is. :)

Mikemgc, I hope you realize that you have laid down some serious wisdom here. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to do it.

^^^ +100 mikemgc

I get pretty pissy if I cut backor cut out psych meds. I have been on many, including Seroquel, zyprexa, Geodon, etc. Seroquel helped me to just be chill. It also helped sleep. But I had to stop taking it because of weight and also my blood sugars, so keep on top of that.

I hope it works for you. I was trying to actively kill myself for several years, so they put my on anti-psychotics. I felt so incredibly agitated for that time.

I have panic attacks lately, but I know what they are and that they will end, and that makes a huge difference even though they suck. I get angry but I can calm myself better tan ever. I take celexa and wellbutrin. I struggle wih racing thoughts especially at night. In fact tonight I took a valium that my ortho surgeon gave me for pain. I haven't een able to sleep and just think, so I hope this will help.

You are aware of the things that bother you, and that goes a long way. I hope Seroquel works for you. There are other drugs out there, abilify is another. Good luck!!