Are all 6-year-olds disrespectful, defiant, seemingly deaf, mouthy little beings? My son was a kind, loving, super-helpful kid...then he turned 6. Now, nothings seems to get through to him. He blows up over the smallest of things, screams that he hates me, tells me I'm the worst dad ever, that he wishes he never had a family, etc... I'm hoping this is a phase that he'll grow out of and that it's not something that's going to get progressively worse until he kills me when he's a teenager. I don't know what to do. It wouldn't be so bad, but my wife is expecting and I can't help but feel that having another kid was the worst mistake of my life...worse than going on a mission, giving tens of thousands of dollars to TSCC, etc...

Speaking as a teacher...no. My first impulse is to ask what's changed -- obviously it's the pregnancy. His school has a counselor on staff. Set up a meeting with her and tell her what's going on. Ask if he can have weekly counseling sessions. Most kids love to see the school counselor. I would also check in with his teacher to see if his behavior at school has changed as well.

Beyond that, I assume that you have a discipline system set up at home, i.e. if he is disrespectful or defiant he goes to his room and has no access to toys or electronic devices.


Good luck and let us know how things proceed.

My advice (this is what I would do) is to nip his behavior in the bud. When a child is acting out, usually something major changed, and this is probably his reaction to knowing he is not the only child anymore. His position is going to be changed.

Set down the rules, make sure he knows what they are and the consequences to "mouthing off" throwing stuff, saying the "bad" words, etc. Have boundaries: no calling names, or using the "hate" word, for instance. Use your discipline: loss of fun things to do temporarily.

Spend more time showing him you love and care about him, do things with him and help him prepare for a new child in the home.
When he acts out, stop immediately and enforce the "Rules."

Also, check his diet and make sure he is getting the right nutrients and perhaps a little Gummy Bear vitamin.

I had a little trick I used when taking kids out: "Low Profile" it was called. The idea was to teach the child that if anyone his age or older was watching him they would know how to behave! It's about setting an example, not touching things other people want to buy (you don't want stuff messed up!) etc.

I see parents in stores let little ones run all over the place, putting holes in toilet paper, bags, popping stuff, throwing balls, riding on bikes, etc. It's like a play ground in some stores!
Not this mom/grandma! They act out, they know ahead we leave. I don't care if we get what we need to buy. We go to the car. Then we try again, or go home.

You are the parent. You set the rules, boundaries, and they learn quickly what is unacceptable and what you will tolerate.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2014 10:59AM by SusieQ#1.

"Set down the rules, make sure he knows what they are and the consequences to "mouthing off" throwing stuff, saying the "bad" words, etc. Have boundaries: no calling names, or using the "hate" word, for instance. Use your discipline: loss of fun things to do temporarily."

This is what we've always done, and it's always worked...until now. He doesn't know about the pregnancy yet, so I'm not sure what's driving this.

He doesn't have any issues at school. He excels at school, has friends, etc... I think he'd rather be at school than at home right now.

I've been on vacation the last week and have spent almost all of my time with him. I'm thinking his diet might have something to do with it...lots of desserts at grandma's, Christmas candy, etc...

Our almost six year old is the same. For the past 6 weeks or so the general disrespect has increased, including the "hate" word. We have always struggled with his behavior at times because he is like both his parents - stubborn, willful, and has to do things his way. Both of our children are like this and they are difficult to parent. I have hope they will end up as decent human beings like their parents.

He is normally a sweet boy but has his moments. He usually breaks out "hate" when he is already in trouble over something else. He gets to spend quality time in his room with no toys, etc and it works for a while. He will also tell me that he doesn't want to see me again at which point I get up and walk out of the room. He immediately begs me to not go and is apologetic.

Funny thing, the kid is an angel at school and any other situation where mom and dad are not around. He also behaves much better in public than at home.

I think he does get some negative influence at school, especially with how be treats his little brother sometimes. I remind him that he is lucky to have both his parents and a little brother who love him at home with him because some kids do not have that.

On the bad days, I have to remind myself that he is sweet and helpful and a good friend to his brother most of the time. Also, does the bad behavior happen more in the evenings? I have noticed the bad behavior gets worse in the evenings when he is tired.

Diet. If he's not usually eating that junk, could be the problem.

After that, I agree with Cheryl below.

Talk. Get in a comfortable place. Hang out for a while. Give the conversation time to unfold - like all day (at least). Give him a chance to express what he's thinking and feeling.

I think the kid you saw for 5.5 years is a better indicator than the past two weeks. I think if you really listen to him you'll get your answer.

Six year olds tend to be more outgoing and slightly more out of bounds than five year olds, but this isn't usually as pronounced as you describe.

Christmas tends to make most kids more difficult. How long has this problem been going on?

I'd sit down with the little guy and have a quiet reasonable talk. "Your behavior has changed and I'm wondering what's going on?"

Don't ask "why." Just try to bring out feelings and let him know you're concerned.

I might end with, "I wouldn't be a good parent if I let this go on. I think I'll have to think of some consequences if you forget and do things you know are not acceptable in our home."

Then I talk about time outs or losing privileges. Be calm, reasonable, firm, and as fair and consistent as you can.

Good luck.

FYI, there might be a diet related component. I have some personal experience with red food dye #40 causing this behavior.... Everything was mostly OK until the child was introduced to sports drinks by fellow team mates and wanted them in favorite color - red..... Got rid of red food dye for a couple days and it was like magic. It was showing up as anger, snapping at everyone....

It must be terribly difficult to see such a drastic change in your child. I would suggest getting guidance from a child psychologist who knows what to look for, can evaluate the situation and point you in the right direction. Advice on this forum is always well intentioned, but also generally far removed from the situation, ill informed and can sometimes do more harm than good.

I'm ready to do my Tom Cruise here. "You don't know the history of psychiatry and I do."

Drag a kid off to talk to a stranger because he's been angry for a few weeks? Are we that helpless and hopeless? Why not the parents and Grandma? Load up all the crazy people and cart them off but spare the kid.

I experienced this behavior. I talked with my kid. He was right to be angry. The two of us figured it out and the week or two of justifiable anger is over.

There is a reason OP's kid is angry. The anger is an attempt to communicate. As I always say when it comes to kids and their behavior, look at the grown ups around them first.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y7CpS0gtlk

There's nothing at all wrong, weak, or helpless about getting guidance from a professional. I don't know OP's situation in any meaningful way, so I can't give any meaningful advice other than if he's in need of outside support, to go to someone who knows what they're talking about. On a forum such as this, it would be wise for posters to realize that while we can show empathy and moral support, we're never close enough to the problem to give directions in people's personal lives.

I agree there's nothing wrong with getting help from a professional. But who needs the help? The six year old who "was a kind, loving, super-helpful kid" before he turned six?

The kind, loving kid needs to be stuck in front of a stranger to get his problems fixed? To me, that's a bizarre signal to send to a "kind, loving" kid. Someone's angry and they need to talk to a professional? People can't talk things over? They need a professional? What are we qualified to do in this life?

Going to a counselor is way down my list - and I've had many counselors myself, one who was very helpful - but I'm thinking if depressed Dad spends some time alone with the kid he'll get a bead on what is going on and how to change the environment, whether it's diet or other things or people in the environment.

I'm not saying OP needs to haul his kid off to anger management therapy. Having a simple conversation or two with the school's counselor can give a parent a lot of useful insight. And I'm not saying parents shouldn't feel free to try and figure things out on their own, but there are times when a little extra guidance from someone who knows the terrain very well can be of tremendous help.

I am all for school counselors. My son (he was 8 at the time) started having issues with anger and aggression,but only towards his dad. I had no idea most of it was going on because it would happen when I wasn't home. And my son was normally very sweet and obedient. He had a kind of 'nervous breakdown' in school one day and was taken to the office. The school psychologist met with him for an hour,called me,and told me exactly what was going on. My son totally opened up to her. Come to find out,his dad had been abusing him and ds was scared to say anything. School called CPS. I am very grateful to the school psychologist. Sometimes,for whatever reasons,our child may not be able to talk to us. My son was scared to tell me,but felt very comfortable telling the school psychologist.

I'm not suggesting to the OP that your son is being abused. Just that the little guy might open up to someone else easier than his parent. Good luck.

Is your kid getting enough sleep? Is there a chance that there is something physically wrong with him that is making him feel yucky and act out? If he is getting migraines, for example, he isn't going to be able to explain what is going on, he just knows he feels sick.

I would pay close attention to diet. The Gummy-Bears Vitamin is also a good call. Don't use a crappy pharmacy vitamin though, the Gummy-Bear ones are really good. My boy was always strong willed and master of his own universe ...and we rather admire that quality in him. However, when he was the hardest to handle it was usually connected with us running out of his vitamins. Our modern food supply system creates food that is simply too depleted in nutrients, and our son seems really sensitive to this. Our daughter, not so much.

Also, our son would really act out if he ate really processed foods ...like the rammen noodles, or the kraft dinners, etc. He seems to really react to the chems and preservatives in them. Again, our daughter ...not so much. Something our daughter did react badly to was the red dye. She would have random anxiety attacks, and we eventually helped her connect it back to red dye in juices/foods ...every time. She avoids red dye, and has no anxiety attack now.

So, to summarize: For our strong willed boy ...a good quality Gummy-Bear Vitamin, always. And no more processed chemical food, ever. It has done the trick, his anger and outbursts almost never occur. But get off the nutrient regimen ...and look out.

Hope this helps. Kids are good. It's todays crap food that is bad. There are no nutrients in it ...even the fresh produce today pales in comparison to garden fresh stuff. Some people are really susceptible, and a quality vitamin supplement will help a lot. It has to be a good quality one though; some over the counter stuff is useless. The gummy bear ones are good. And axe the processed foodstuffs.

Christmas can be hard on kids. They dont do well with waiting for starts. Then there is the change in routine, the food,,the excitementetc

Our nine year old grand daughter went from defiant to negotiator.

Everything has options in her eyes.

She lost a baby tooth lately and her note to the tooth fairy was:
"Dear Tooth-fairy,
May I keep my tooth and the money?"

She's figured out by backing and supporting her teachers she gets favors.

She told a bunch of boys in class to shut up, sit down and do what to teacher said. She got extra credits to spend on things in the student store.

I would definitely consider his diet.

My nephew didn't outgrow the terrible twos until he was seven. Once we realized that chemicals, processed sugar and gluten were turning him into a monster and started controlling his diet, he turned into an absolute pleasure in a few days.

But if he eats something he shouldn't, he's a monster.

"...he turned into an absolute pleasure in a few days."

I agree. It was shocking to observe how quickly these chemicals in the foods were affecting our boy. It wasn't a long term 'health' thing ...it was an immediate reaction to the chemicals in the food. The emotional reversal can be noticed within a matter of days. It was a real eye opener for us.

Definitely diet/disrupted schedule/Christmas could be at fault but it could also be that kids cycle through stages of boundary stretching and boundary acceptance. Depending on the kid, the stretch may last 4-6 months. Unfortunately little kids don't have the skills or maturity to clearly communicate their needs so it comes up as acting out. I agree that you must maintain "authority" (I hate that word, but can't come up with a better one) but be open to helping them grow and negotiate out new boundaries. Once they settle in to the "new boundaries" things are pretty peaceful for 18-24 months and then it starts again. I kind of remember having boundary stretches at 3, 6, 8 or 9, 11 and then things kind of depend on hormones!

Unless there has been a change in diet,I would guess that isnt a factor.

The 3 most important factors in raising kids is: example, example, example. Kids, like adults, have to learn there are rules and consequences.
As a Registered Dietitian I would forget the vitamin supplements. Offer him nutritious foods and let him see you eat them. There are 40 nutrients that the body needs every day. Most of them are not in Gummy Bears because the Gummy Bears would not taste good. To get all 40 nutrients in a pill, the pill would be as big as a watermelon. You eat and feed him nutritious food.

1) Biggest single cause of misbehavior is lack of sufficient restful sleep.

2) Is he getting more attention for what you want him to be doing or for misbehaving? If the latter, you may be training him to act out. Try noticing and praising (or reinforcing through tokens for something he'd like) the good things, and ignoring the bad.

3) Yes, red and yellow food dye can cause behavioral difficulty in a very few kids. So can untreated lyme disease, for some kids eating too much sugar (or maybe not enough complex carbs), and other things.

4) Consider What do do when your temper flares by Dawn Huebner.

5) Give choices as much as possible.

6) At that age, I give lots of re-runs. When they act badly, go over the right way, and have them do it again the right way (as an alternative to time out).

7) If you aren't reading to him 20 minutes per day, start doing it. It so much helps to have some consistent parent interaction (not to mention the reading experience).

He should be reading himself if he's 6. Find out what he really likes to read. For me, it turned out that I liked magazines more than books, & was reading the TV Guide & Reader's Digest at that age.

They should still be read to, at that age. It's bonding time, relaxing time etc. Just find short chapter books like junie b jones, or the magic treehouse series etc.

ooops, wrong place.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/30/2014 12:02AM by karin.

There may also be a factor of intelligence. My youngest went through bouts of similar behaviour and it turns out that she's "intellectually and artistically gifted". Basically, in society we talk a lot about kids acting out because of difficulties but some children with very high IQ's can have behavioural problems.

Your child may not be getting enough stimulation at home as compared to school. We were lucky, in that our daughter is the youngest and she simply followed a lot of her older sister's lead. If our oldest was doing a project at school, our youngest as a toddler would insist on doing a project as well. So, I'd help her choose a topic, research it online and then execute a project poster. I know that sounds like a lot of work but it engaged her mind and in the end had the added bonus of helping when she got to school.

We also enrolled her in a preschool with a great curriculum that included language studies (Japanese). When her mind was fully engaged her behaviour improved dramatically.

Best of luck!

I didn't read the other responses carefully, but my first thought was...How much attention is the new baby already taking away? I'm sure that the new baby on the way is the main topic as of late. When we were having baby number 2 we made sure baby number 1 got extra attention and was involved in everything. We told him how important he was going to be as a big brother and made sure he felt important. Make extra time to support his feelings of security, but don't let him get away with poor behavior in the meantime.

We never had trouble with our kids at that age. We didn't get the terrible 2's either. Teenage years are the hardest as far as I can tell. Apparently I know nothing..at least according to my oldest teen and he makes sure I understand it daily.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2014 11:42PM by curelomsandwich.

Dr. Laura Markham

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/school-age

has great parenting ideas in both her blog and her book Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids. She believes that staying emotionally close to your children and parenting in peaceful ways is better and longer lasting than time outs etc.

I've also heard from a therapist that children separate from mom around age 2 and dads around 5. He could just be trying for some independance.

I think you need to return to your regular routine before you worry too much. Christmas is hard on all of us. Some kids suffer when their routine is disrupted. Some kids react to even minor changes in their diet. Different kids react differently to the disruptions that Christmas causes. My youngest daughter was a mild mannered, obedient child, but at Christmas if I let her eat all of the treats that were offered, and do all of the activities that were proposed, she would become overwhelmed and weepy. It took a couple of sad Christmases for me to figure out that for her, less was more.

Disrespect shouldn't be allowed, so in a calm moment you should talk about how even grown ups are affected by unkind words.

The six year old son of that mild, obedient daughter I mentioned had one of those tantrums while they were visiting for Christmas. After he took some time to compose himself, he rejoined the party and all was well. He is my sixth grandchild, the oldest is now twenty four. I've watched them all have their moments and it looks like they're all going to be okay.

Good luck and congratulations on the soon to be addition.

While Christmas is probably a factor in this - the chaos of the holidays affects everyone - I would have some time with him, and tell him you've noticed he's been very angry lately and that you want to know what the problem is. Make sure that you explain that you can't help solve the problem if he won't talk to you, and that you want to help him. Also make clear that he needs to communicate to fix things because the bad behavior won't be tolerated.

I agree that diet and appropriate sleep is also a big factor - if he's been eating junk like we all do around the holidays, it could be affecting his moods. If he's not sleeping enough, he's likely cranky like all of us get on little sleep.