I really am. I am so frustrated and confused. A little background.

married for 39 years. 9 kids,7 adults,11 and 14 yr olds living with me.

Divorce final March 2012. Ex (very TBM) remarries 2 months later in May. Kids never met the woman before the marriage. He was dating her 2 months after the 2 youngest and I moved out.

Ex only given visits Wednesdays for 3 hours and Saturdays from 11:00 to 7:00 because of a CPR complaint.

He gives up his Wednesday visits 10 months ago. Says it's not worth his time. He missed 15 Saturday visits last year. Most of those were because he was in Southern Utah...where his wife has a home and most of her family (5 kids and 18 grands) live. Wife lives in Utah about 80% of the time. Ex. lives in Northern Ca. about 20 minutes from the kids and I.

Ex's wife is 64,widowed for 11 years before marrying ex. I met her once and she scared the crud out of me. She told me in no uncertain terms she could care less about my kids. She was like a teenager, she almost hit me and was so caddy. My adult kids told me she was very jealous of me and very intimidated. I hate to say this,but she's the opposite of a trophy wife. I've told my ex many times,for the benefit of our 2 youngest I really want to get along with this woman.

A few months ago I had a long talk,actually a few of them,with my ex. He explained that his wife was really struggling with depression and was threatening him with divorce. She had already threatened that many times. It's basically he better do what she says or she's gonna leave him. She spent the entire summer in Utah,and he would fly there every 3 or 4 weeks and stay at least a week. He's self employed so that was a worry,at least for me. When she is around,and the kids have to spend Saturday with her,it's usually a nightmare. She just can't act like an adult.My 14 year old ds really doesn't spend much time with her or even think about her,but my 11 year old dd is another story. Her dads wife is very cutting and rude to dd,but does it when her dad isn't around. So dd gets blamed for not being nice to the poor woman.

So anyway...ex and I came to a good place and we were getting along good. He was very appreciative of my understanding with all his missed visits. I really did make an effort to understand where they were both coming from and be fine with his constant missed visits. He always said, "you don't know everything that I'm going through." Your right,I don't. But! I did expect the new wife to try to act more adult like and more understanding of where these 2 kids were coming from. They wanted to spend time with their dad too!! He has seen them for 14 HOURS since before Thanksgiving.

Now to the point where I want to poke my eyes out. My 11 year old dd is a level 8 competitive gymnast. It's a very tough sport,and she goes to gym 22 hours a week. She is very good. She has just started her season and has her first meet on Saturday morning early. It is very stressful for these girls to compete,and dd gets very nervous,especially on beam. She doesn't even like me to come and watch her at practice when she is one the beam. Anyway,dd asked her dad to come to the meet,but asked if he would please come alone. Not bring the wife. It would only be till noon,then he could take her and go pick up the wife and spend the rest of the day together. Yes? Sound reasonable. I thought it did. I think ex owes this to his daughter,and it would be the right thing to do. It's what dd wants. I left it totally up to her. She is adamant that if dad wants to bring his wife,that she doesn't want dad there.

Well...that went over well. I got a bunch of nasty texts from ex stating he will do what he pleases,it's his choice to bring his wife and he's going to. That it's stupid she can't come and I don't control him. Duh. To say I was shocked at his out bursts is putting it mildly. It's not the reaction I expected. He said any lawyer in the country would laugh at our request and I need to get over myself. He and wife are coming to the meet and he doesn't care how dd or I feel.

So...am I totally wrong in expecting him to respect his daughter's wishes? Am I wrong to be shocked at his anger and should I agree with him? Seriously,I may be totally off on this. And I know you guys will tell me if I am. Does it even matter? I feel dd should have some say so in who comes to her meets,if the person she doesn't want coming makes her very uncomfortable. This is the first person dd has ever asked to not come. Also,the wife has NO social skills. Going to a meet requires you to sit for 4 hours and at least look like you are having fun. She is always on her phone,or will just turn around or get up and leave and go to the bathroom when she is tired of socializing. My adult kids have told me some amazing stories about her behavior.

Sorry for the long post. But I would very much appreciate some advice. I really will take it. Thanks.

There's a good chance that if your daughter had INSISTED that your ex MAKE his new wife attend, the new wife would have absolutely refused to do so.

Yeah, that's what you're dealing with...

No, you are not wrong on this. It should be about his daughter, not about him and his lawyer.
Gee, poor him and his self-importance.
I am sorry you are going through this. Keep your chin up.

Hi loveskids. Please don't poke your eyes out (I know you're kidding.) People say things like that when they are turning anger inward, because they are trying not to cause trouble.

What a mess! Whatever you do, you have to keep your hands clean (so to speak), both so your children can always respect you, and so if you end up in court again, there won't be any black marks on your record.

This is so unfair to your daughter. It has nothing to do with you. If your husband & monster, uh, I mean wife, won't cooperate, I'd have a nice talk with your daughter. Be as conciliatory as you can. I don't think you or your daughter has much say in the matter. This may just be a time when your daughter has to mess up in a competition, which is appalling to say the least. I wish I had some good advice. Your story makes me so mad I want to poke someones eyes out too. Peace.

I would let it go. His daughter has made the request and he's either going to honor it or not. You can't control his behavior. I don't see the wife going to these competitions over and over, so let her go if she must to get it out of her system.

I empathize with your daughter, and I am so sorry that two childish adults are ignoring her wishes, wellbeing, and childhood so they can dump their insecurities on her. Be proud that you're focusing on your children and not engaging in their (those other two so-called adults)idiotic and harmful pissing contest.

I don't like these people. Imagine I'm poking out their eyes with a stick so that your daughter can focus on something she loves. I have no problem poking by proxy. ;-)

Seriously, though, my best to your kiddo. Hold her close.

ETA: No worries about the length of your post. If ya gotta write, ya gotta write. We don't tl;dr. :-)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2015 11:15PM by Beth.

Your daughter made her wishes known. Now it's up to her father to follow them. If he can't, help her understand why that sometimes we get ourselves entangled with people and don't know how to fix the mess.

Can't control other people and their drama! :-)

First of all ((((HUGS))). So sorry you are going thru such a hard time.

Second, keep your eyes. You will want them later to see many wonderful things that will eventually come your way.

Right now, this is a heavy transition time and you still have healing to do.

You are two years out, and your ex is remarried.

You do need to be "cordial" to the new wife for the sake of the kids, but YOU get to determine your boundaries. No one expects you to be friends.

My advice: What she thinks of YOU is none of your business. What you think of HER is none of your business. As long as she stays out of your world and is decent to your kids and grandkids. LET IT GO.

Let your ex handle his marriage/wife. It is HIS problem, not yours. Do NOT let him use your shoulder to cry on. You do not need to be a part of his problems.

Are your children miserable or mistreated by the Step Mother?
Are your children's complains justified?

If they are not, discuss the kids, and ONLY the kids with their Father. If the treatment is abusive or neglectful, discuss specifically what issues concern you.

I think it was rude to ask your ex not to bring his wife to a public venue. I can understand WHY, but if there was ever any doubt of him bringing someone she can not stand, they she should not have asked in the first place. No matter what the condition of their marriage and what you know, that is his wife and the request was unreasonable.

I do think your daughter is entitled to have one on one visits with her Father without the wife,but this event was not a visit, it was a situation to be a spectator and support your daughters accomplishments.

Your daughters request should be a revelation to your daughter's Father that she does not like his wife. Can that be mended? If this is just a "clash of personalities thing" and not an actual toxic or harmful relationship, then your daughter needs to get some thicker skin. There will be plenty of opportunities where she will have to perform in front of people she does not like or respect. There will never be a perfect world where you can exclude people entirely from your public life that clash with you.

It does not matter if this was the first person DD asked to not come. It does not matter if she has no social skills. That is the man's wife. Her behavior is none of your concern, except to the treatment of your children. (Not just making them uncomfortable, I am talking abusive behaviors here)

You do not have a relationship with her. Please, please leave the ex-wife alone, and give your daughter a chance to mature and accept that we all have to deal with people we do not like.

Talk to your ex ONLY in regards to the well-being and safety of your kids.



RMM

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know,bottom line,my ex and his wife will do what they want regardless of what dd wants. It just makes me so sad for her. She is a good kid,and has excused her dads behavior dozens of times. She wants a relationship with him,but really can't stand the new wife. And I don't blame her at all. The wife lies about dd,which doesn't help at all.


I will continue to take the high road and talk to my daughter about this weekend. I will just tell her to pretend new wife isn't there,and to focus on her coaches,her teammates,and doing her very best.And I will sit close enough that she can see my big,smiling,proud face.


You are all right. I am dealing with 2 very immature adults. Wife is TBM,and just being a mom and grandma I would think she would have some compassion for dd. She has a grand daughter the exact same age. My sons therapist met with ex and wife a few times and told me she thought they both had Borderline Personality Disorder. This therapist really couldn't stand either one of them. Which made me feel a lot better.

Thank you all again. Your words mean a lot to me.I really love RfM! You understand!

This is pretty easy. Tell your daughter that your ex and his new wife are a package deal. If she wants her dad there bad enough, she has to take his wife as well. If she is dead set against having the wife there...don't invite dad. Don't even tell him when the gymnastic meets are.

If he bitches at you, tell him it wasn't your decision. Tell him if he can't live within the parameters your daughter has set, he should probably start expecting that there will be MANY things in the future that he won't be invited to.

There...simple.

Wondering if this is an opportunity.

Anytime I feel like I am on defense, I look around for some way to get back on offense. But I'm not talking about looking for ways to escalate a dispute. I mean looking for the most constructive way forward. But forward, not back.

Is there some way to work with DD to help her take a next step of growth in her life? I work with 11yo kids, so I know this might be a stretch, depending on the person.

What about having a serious sit down with DD and just laying out the reality of what might go down on Sat? That ex's wife might be in the stands. Point out that its time to learn how to block out the spectators from her mind; focus entirely on the task. Something along those lines. If she succeeds at that it will be huge.

Just a random thought.

Best of success to you, and to DD at the competition,

JAR

PS How is this OT? Venting a nice long story is part of what this board is for. And it felt good didn't it? Or at least it felt less bad. And asking for advice is another part of what this board is for. And you're receiving some good affirmation and perspective. Not OT in my book.

Now that you know they will do whatever they want, without regard to your daughter's feelings, it's time to change focus. Try to minimize the impact of who is or isn't there.

If you can, try to get your daughter not to concern herself about who is watching. They will be over in the stands, and she will be doing her thing. They can't touch her, and it doesn't matter what they think. They have NO power over her.

She has a task to do, and it that should be her complete focus. And I don't know much about gymnastics, but it doesn't seem so much about 'competition' with others, as it is about self-mastery. I do know that in performing arts, that if you come in prepared, well-rested, focus on the right things, and direct the adrenaline/nerves into energy and passion, then hopefully you will do your best . . . at least your best at that moment. And if you don't do your best, then you learn from it to help you do better the next time.

My guess is that the new wife won't end up coming, anyway. It would truly be a waste for your daughter to spend a minute worrying about who shows up. 4 hours is too much of a time sacrifice for someone like that lady.

One more thing. Sometimes defiance/determination can be a good thing to bring to a performance. She has worked hard. Nobody gets to screw that up!

GO to court and stop your ex from visitation until he gets rid of the wife. She is a very negative force in your children's lives. He can choose the kids or his wife. Get a lawyer and go to court. Take this post with you and other things the bitch has done as evidence. You have to protect your kids, screw the ex.

And one more thing... "He explained that his wife was really struggling with depression and was threatening him with divorce" - tell him you pray daily for this divorce she threatens to actually happen. It never will. She has him over a barrel and is using him for whatever reason. He needs to get rid of her to be a decent dad to his kids.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2015 01:58AM by verilyverily.

Uh... I don't think that would work unless the ex's wife did something that was proven dangerous toward the kids and a judge specifically mandated that she be barred from being around them. Just demanding that the judge bar the stepmom from the kids probably won't work. It would take time and money and ultimately would probably be very destructive.

I'm with those who say that you can't control your ex or his wife. He *should* do the decent thing and come to the meet alone, but you probably won't be able to force him to do the decent thing. If he's really being a pain in the ass, just let him have the kids for his allotted visitation time and don't invite him to any other events. I think it's also best to leave your youngest kids out of your disagreements with their dad. If he's as much of a schmuck as you say he is, they'll figure it out for themselves.

My husband's ex wife cut him out of his kids' lives by refusing to let him see them. She probably did it largely because of me. She thinks I am a monster and, I think, was afraid they would end up liking me better than they do her. No doubt she's told the kids that their father doesn't care about them, which is definitely not true. Now they are adults and have to figure things out for themselves.

I empathize with anyone who is dealing with a narcissist or borderline, because they are very unreasonable people who act like children and refuse to do what's right for everyone involved. Hope you can work this out.

I think divorce brings out the Worst in people.

however, when a 'TBM' divorces a NOM/apostate, or even just a truth-seeker... Watch Out.


lots of Mormons are CRAZY b/c of the way 'church' (The Corp) is set up, Can't help that, they're beyond acting reasonable and in lots of cases, sane.

Again,thankyou all. I was hesitant to even post and ask for advice because my ex (and while we were married) always makes me feel stupid. Like I didn't deserve to have anyone care about me. He told people I had no friends...even lied to the older kids about things I supposedly did. He's a really,really good liar.

And because I left the Morg,and he is a devout TBM,that proves,in his eyes that I am pretty worthless. He has tried,for years,to turn the 7 oldest against me. It's worked with 3 of them.My sons therapist also told me that my ex (this was when we were married) will try to turn the 2 youngest against me. He's good.

This woman he married was probably the worst choice out there. He started dating her 2 months after I (and the 2 kids) moved out,and she was the only one he dated. According to one of my adult dd's that lived at home (he kept the big beautiful house,I got the little apt. But I didn't care,I was away from him.)this woman was extremely manipulative from the start. And ex said he needed companionship. Right off the bat new wife was threatening ex with a breakup.They even have a pre-nup. I actually called ex as he was driving up to Utah to get married. I was crying and pleading with him to wait,to let the kids meet her first. I know that was dumb,but I just hoped he for once would put the kids first. And I was appalled that this woman,this TBM,would even consider marrying him before meeting the 2 youngest,who were then 9 and 11. Little did I know...

As far as teaching dd to be tough and try to get along,I feel she has been the more adult one in all of this. But because she hasn't seen her dad in so long,and since he remarried he misses 35-40% of his once a week visits,she thought it would be nice if dad came alone. Wife makes cutting remarks to dd and it hurts her feelings. They want to like the woman,but she makes it very hard. There again,I need to help dd not worry about the wife and just do her job being 11.The wife pushed me the one and only time I met her,so she does make me very nervous. I tell dd to be respectful,and try to get along,but that she needs to talk to her dad if something comes up while she's around new wife and it upsets dd. Ex says it's none of my business what goes on at their house when dd is there. I agree,as long as dd is being treated right. I will just spend the next few days before the meet encouraging dd to just focus on her events and put new wife out of her mind. I guarantee wife won't be able to sit more than an hour and my ex will have to take her home. And the meet is 40 min. away so he won't be back. I'm pretty sure dd can handle it. She has had to grow up fast. What makes it hard is that none of us have ever met anyone even close to this woman.Small Southern Utah born and raised and never left. And TBM to top it off.

We have very similar experiences.
I wanted to share with you some other thoughts:

1-Look up characteristics of Narcissism. Narcissists have a great knack for distorting the truth, devaluing YOU, putting you on a pedestal when they get what they want, then cycling to dismiss you, ruin your esteem, and craft smoke and mirrors to make YOU and others believe you are crazy and did THEM wrong!

He has tried to gain sympathy for his current marriage situation. (He sounds like my ex. No matter what, the biggest crisis will always be the one HE is going thru.)Narcs LOVE Drama. Stop giving him a stage to play on.

I have met many TBM Narcs and all have reacted in similar ways with leaving the church. Criticizing anything about a Narcs may be involved with, even if it has NOTHING to do with them directly, will cause them to be very defensive. They can not handle anything about their lives being wrong.

2-Stop expecting your ex to "do the right thing" and be the parent he should be. If his personality and ethics were solid, you might still be married to him. He has probably shown you many times that his moral character boundaries are VERY blurred and suit his agenda. Liars will LIE. They can not help it. Do not give his lies or manipulation any energy. Focus on being a loving Mother and pour all that energy into making your life and your life with your kids positive and happy.

3-DO post your experiences, and stop worrying if anyone will think badly about you. This is your life now:) You are still sorting it out and healing from the wounds. You were married to him for a very long time and shared a lot of living. Some things you will get over. Some you will not. Give yourself permission to be happy and move on from any damage he inflicted over the years.

4-Never give anyone authority to assess your value. You are in charge of that now. Anything he said past, present or future has no weight unless you give him that control. You are not stupid. You do deserve to be cared for and loved. Stop allowing him to live rent free in your emotional real estate.

Also, if he is truly a narcissist, it means that you are an extremely kind, sensitive and giving person. Giving him that kind of attention and compassion from you FEEDS HIS EGO. You are giving him his favorite food every time you do. You are letting him have power in your life. Disconnect him from your your emotional power grid!

5-You have no control over him. He is not your concern. His wife is not your concern. Any drama he lives in and fosters is his. Do not invest in THEM and what they do with their lives.

6-Divorce is hard. It is miserable and I wish the experience on no one. BUT, if you make it your focus to grow and be happy in the end, you will let go the angst of what goes wrong (and it will!) and appreciate what is right! You are an adult and are going to struggle with this, so of course your daughter will as well. There will be good days and bad days.

7-If you are ever in any doubt that your child is in any kind of abusive situation. TAKE CONTROL. Do not wait for ex to make the call or do the right thing. Establish "deal breakers" with your daughter of what she needs to deal with, and what is NEVER going to be ok with relationships. Any relationship! Not just the ones with her Father and Step Mom. Example: If the Step Mom gets physical, calls her names, etc.

8-STOP trying to help your ex to be a better Father. That is HIS choice. He is an adult and should know by now what works and doesn't. STOP trying to be examples of Mother and Father to your kids. You will drain yourself dry.

Your ex is responsible for his relationship with his children, not YOU. You are only responsible for YOUR relationship with your kids. Trust me, once you establish this attitude, it is incredible freedom and ends a lot of guilt over the Ex's shortcomings towards your kids.

9-Make YOURSELF a priority in your life. Take care of your own emotional well being, health, etc. Your esteem will build and your kids will see that YOU can move on in your life happily and not care what Ex thinks or does.

10-Your kids do not have to "grow up fast". They can still be kids!. Learning how to get along with difficult people is not just an adult skill. This is a time of growth, not a time of losing her youth or innocence in anyway. It is instinctive for us to want to wrap up our kids and protect them from any harm or hurt feelings, but the greatest gift we CAN give them are the skills to keep self-worth and focus in-tact even if they are around negative people!

RMM

PS, YOU CAN DO THIS!

Good Advice RMM. My brother has been telling me these things for years. He gets so frustrated with me when I try to make things nice between ex and kids and it backfires. He's always saying, "He's not gonna change. Knock it off!!" I try to be logical and fair...haha. I will totally step back and only worry about the kids. Like you said,I have NO control over what ex and wife do.

It sounds to me like your ex and his wife deserve each other.

As my screen name implies, I enjoy reading Tolkien, and the situation reminded me of a quote from Gandalf, about Saruman and Gríma holed up together in Orthanc:

"Small comfort will those two have in their companionship: they will gnaw one another with words. But the punishment is just."

(I'm such a nerd.)

Sounds like me and my husband on holiday in a caravan!

These two TBM's are scumbags. I don't know what "borderline personality" is, but I suspect that your husband, at least is a Narcissist, and a sociopath, both. What man would be so cruel to his wife and children? He chooses his new wife over his children every day, over, and over, the same choice, and that cuts his path. Yes, his wife is manipulating him, but he is allowing himself to be manipulated. It is a sick relationship. They deserve each other.

Nerdy or not, I love Book of Mordor's quote from Tolkein. You don't need to do anything at all. Just leave this couple alone, and they will self-destruct.

The wife has already said she doesn't care about your kids. Great! Probably she won't go to the gymnastics. She just wants to threaten, and make the even all about HER, whether she'll go, whether she'll not go, whether she'll leave early, whether she'll make a scene, etc.

My ex husband didn't wait until we were divorced, to date his new wife. For two years, he had an affair, and she bad-mouthed family and children and me and everything else in the world. She is a vile creature, that his bishopric brother's mistress introduced to my husband in a bar. My husband phoned me when the kids and I were waiting for him to join us at a ski cabin at Christmas. He said he didn't want to be married anymore, and that he didn't want children or a family anymore. He said that "Children are nothing but a huge liability." He had been quite cruel and verbally abusive to us for those last few years.

I asked a lot of advice about this situation. I was told not to say anything bad about the children's father, because that might reflect back on them. (They looked like their father, they were trained to lie by their father, etc.) I didn't tell them the cruel things their father said about them. He refused to pay child support or alimony, and he disappeared, for about 5 years. Though life was a struggle financially, I was secretly happy that this jerk was not in our lives at all!

I had only three real goals:

--To begin, support them financially and emotionally.

--Listen to the kids, but not bring up the subject of the divorce.

--Never let them feel the divorce was their fault! Their father's idiocy had nothing to do with them. Yes, I did take the liberty to tell them that their father was not a good person. I stressed that my children deserved much better. It was HIM, not THEM.

--Let them know how much I loved them, and how much my parents loved them (for as long as they lived, for they died soon after).

Over the years, they got the idea on their own just how horrible their father was, through what his family and friends told us. When they got older, they visited their father at his house. (By then, we lived in another state). He and his wife have 6 dogs and 2 cats, and my kids almost threw up at the stink. There were dog poops and puddles all over the kitchen floor, and they knew my kids were coming, in advance. Their yard was totally dead, and full of holes in the dirt. Their furniture was covered with plastic. One of the dogs tried to bite my daughter, and they said, "Oh, he's just playing." They brought a TBM friend with them, who had criticized me for not being kinder towards my ex-husband. After, he told me that he understood, and that I should have been more critical.

But, my ex's new wife was scary! She had my ex change his will, leaving everything to her, and nothing to my children. He says she forbids him to come visit the children, so he never went to their high school and college graduations, or their weddings, or to see the new grand babies.

I'm willing to bet money that your ex will lose interest in his children any day, now. I'm surprised he has visited as much as you say, but you also say he's missed a lot of visits, too. When he makes excuses, be nice, and let him off the hook. I would think you would want the least contact possible, between your children and this dysfunctional couple.

I'm sorry you are going through this. For you--please know that this is not your fault--your ex is clearly unstable, and so is his "depressed" wife.

Wow Breeze. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex. Nasty man!

I actually am very happy when ex doesn't come to take the kids for the day. At least some part of me is. I feel very bad for the kids,but don't dwell on it with them. They have been so good about it,and so good to accept their dad's choice of wife over them.We never talk about new wife,unless they need to when they are around her. Dd usually waits a few days after being with new wife before she tells me anything about what happened,and I don't ask. Of course,new wife always says something nasty about dd. I tell dd...consider the source,she says nasty things about your older siblings too. Don't let it bother you. You almost have to laugh at the woman she is so ridiculous.

My guess is that it isn't HIS anger he's displaying but hers. She sounds like a real mess of a human being and he probably told her your daughter's wishes and she went ballistic. Her rant probably got him going - she may have even demanded he stand up for her OR ELSE. He probably doesn't care one way or the other because he seems to have displayed an "I'll do what's easy and convenient" mentality. She's the one who gets angry, from what you said, and probably used the incident as a display of power over you and your daughter, using your ex as a weapon. It really sucks for your daughter on a lot of levels. But you aren't being unreasonable.

Both these people deserve your disdain. If you can deal politely with them, all the better, but they are completely unworthy of your attention, anger, concern. You are entitled to feel all those things but really, all they deserve is your disgust. I agree with the person who said to just step back and watch them destroy each other because they are two toxic people and no matter how they appear in public, being married to each other has to be difficult at best, a nightmare probably. Marrying that woman so quickly was a crime with it's own punishment built right in.

I think you are right CA girl. This is probably 75% new wife and ex is just doing her bidding. 2 months ago she snooped (she always does) on ex's phone and saw that he and I had texted. About the kids,and Christmas. Nothing more,very innocent and acceptable. She and ex were supposed to go to Florida to visit another dd and grandkids,but because of this text she refused to go. And she told ex "as soon as your divorced,call me." Then she flew home to Utah and refused ex's calls for a week. Ex told my Florida dd all this,and bitched about wife the entire time he was in Florida. New wife definitely calls the shots,don't know how long that will last. I know ex will do anything to not have another divorce. And some of the nasty texts I get are probably written by her,they aren't the way he talks. Or...she is standing right there while he texts me. Whatever. I just need to laugh about it and thank god I'm still not married to him.

Over the years I have found there are two basic types of people - actual grownups who can make sacrifices and who realize everything is not about them. And immature people who think everything is about them, throw a fit when they don't get their way, and basically act like a grown up two year old. This is what your ex's new wife sounds like.

A grown up person would look at your daughter's request and try not to take it personally. And if their feelings were hurt, would suck it up and deal with because this situation is not about them but about their stepdaughter and her father. Unfortunately your ex's new wife is not a grown up.

My guess is that one of two things will happen. First your ex won't show up at all because he's too worried about offending his new wife. Or the both of them will show up. In that case, it sounds like you don't have to worry about her showing up again. Sitting for four hours with the attention given to someone else will be very boring for her. She won't want to repeat the experience.

Either way, the person who will get hurt is your daughter, unfortunately. I like the advice given earlier about taking this and turning it into an opportunity to teach her focus. And, as hard of a lesson as it is for her to learn, she will discover that she can't depend on her father to follow her wishes. It's painful (and I know because I've been there) but she will get through it.

Lots of good advice here, and mine not add much, but...
The way I see it, you have a responsibility to advocate for your daughter. My son (also 11) does gymnastics competitively, too. It is not the most important thing in the world, but it is certainly not unimportant when you and your daughter invest so much. I get that!
While it could be a good (though tough) lesson for your daughter to perform well even with distractions, I think it would be wise to spell it out clearly for your husband the negative effects of his actions - especially regarding the trust of his daughter. I know to non-gymnastics people it seems that one meet is not the end of the world. To your daughter, though a breach of trust on an issue that big might take years to repair. It would be in your husband's best interest to not cause such a divide, since he clearly doesn't have time to bridge a rift.

Your right dinah,one meet isn't the end of the world. But!! Dd works 22 hours a week,for 9 months before her "season" starts. And there are only 7 meets,plus State and Regionals. So,mess up one meet and it affects the gymnast. And being only 11,and doing level 8,she is less mature than most of her competitors. She has had not so good meets in past years,but has been able to turn it around and have awesome meets. She's a strong kid.

Trust. Exactly right. I would hope that he would respect her wishes and try to make the day about her. She would love for him to come,but can't stand the thought of the wife coming. Especially since the woman doesn't seem to care at all about dd. What is her point? Control,I'm sure.

I've been talking to dd about the meet,trying to just get her to put it aside and not worry about new wife. This woman is going to cause some kind of scene,I guarantee it. Dd is really embarrassed by her. She stresses about what to call her when she has to introduce her to a friend. I tell her to say..."this is my dad,and his wife." Period. She refuses to call her step-mom,which is very understandable. Maybe someday.

I just want dd to have a good day and feel good about her meet. In 2 weeks we go to Reno for a big meet,so hopefully things will go smoothly Saturday. And whatever happens,dd will grow from it.

I have had similar experiences too. You are in an explosive situation that will continue to be so.....sorry but that is the truth. I encourage you to look to yourself and your daughter. Take care of you. Build up the strength in her and in yourself to handle the things that happen and try to let them roll off you. I understand that you feel sorry for your daughter and would like her to have a relationship with her father, BUT it is obvious to me that he is trying to sit on the fence. Your daughter can and must make decisions on how to handle all this, and it seems to me she is doing fine- trying to work it out with you and move forward. She will know from now on that inviting her Dad means her new stepmother will be there and she will make decisions accordingly.

I use the serenity prayer to help me. I cannot control anyone other than myself, and in your case you can advise your daughter. I have learned to let others be who they are, and I will act as I must to protect myself. Eg I do not see anyone who puts me down or makes me feel small. I love myself too much to do that (please note this has taken a lOT of time to get too). Other people either accept or reject that, that is THEIR business NOT mine. Like you I have lost children to a manipulative husband, but have accepted it (in time) and allow myself to be me.

Good luck to your daughter and to you.

Yes, I totally understand!
Good luck!!!

I agree with those who have said to help your daughter learn to focus. This is a very important skill to develop and will serve her well for the rest of her life.

As a child, I took ballet lessons. The first week of every month the parents were allowed to sit in and observe the class. (The rest of the time they waited in the lobby and peeked at us through the window in the door.) We were all terribly nervous when it was "observation day" and many in the class acted silly as a result.

I did feel very nervous when my mother was watching me, but I put all my energy into pretending she wasn't there and focusing on doing all the movements to the best of my ability. As far as I was concerned, nobody was there except my teacher, classmates and me. It worked and I have been able to use this technique ever since in many situations.

Your husband's wife is poisonous and he is not being loyal to your daughter. Help your daughter learn not to take their behavior personally. As soon as possible, discontinue the children's visits to their home where the current wife has an opportunity to denigrate her. Build up her self esteem and just love her unconditionally. She is observing their behavior and will come to the conclusion that their behavior is reprehensible without you needing to say anything against them.

I wish you well.

Your husband is now contaminated with his new wife's madness.

Sad.

Similar story.

My ex left with "crazy". Long story but she treated my kids ok for a short period of time and then her true colours came out. Tried to run their lives and ex afraid to interfere.

All it did was make my kids less interested in spending time with their dad and they shared none of their problems with him because they experienced other person throwing information back in their face.

When they were young adults he died suddenly of a stroke (after several visits to detox and rehab).

By this time he was living in a motel but still married. She put on a big show at funeral about their wonderful marriage. Day of funeral was last time kids set eyes on her. She called them a number of times but they hung up on her.

What I learned. You can't make your ex or his new partner treat kids well. Kids will figure out the situation and deal with it accordingly e.g. Don't invite dad to event if you don't want her to come. As long as kids are living with the grounded parent, they will be ok.