We have previously posted about DH's TBM Grandma constantly emailing us about leaving tscc. I thought that I had heard it all from her (Satan, leaving to get away from family, anti-mormon lies, etc) until this last email where she blamed us for her current health problems.

DH stopped responding to every email a while ago because they were just ridiculous, he was probably only responding to about 30% of what she would send. So, the last email stated that we obviously have no interest in maintaining a relationship with her (not true), she has no idea what she could of done to "offend" us (not offended & told her so in several other emails) and she is now having health problems due to the stress of it all.

I think she needs a hobby or something. She seriously has way too much time to be dreaming all this stuff up. Just so everyone knows, we did respond to this email, took some of the advice from past posts. We ignored all of the religion related aspects and her "health problem" stuff. Just talked about the grandkids, weather, christmas, etc. Hopefully this will do the trick. I just don't know anymore. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Honestly. You're dealing with a Mormon here who can keep this up a lot longer than you can. It sounds more like crocodile tears than anything else.

Save her best lines and laugh at them. You didn't do anything wrong so don't let it work on you. If she really is stressed, and I doubt it, she stressed herself out. Anybody can do that at any time over anything. For the most part we do it to ourselves.

Tell her when it comes to stress this old saying is still the best:

Give me the serenity to fix the things I can, courage to accept the things I can't, and wisdom to know the difference. Guess which category we fall into, Grandma?

That reminds me of the LDS father who blamed the child's Type 1 diabetes which was found on visitation, on the mother in the divorce. It was her fault he had diabetes. She caused the stress. I think he had the child convinced until he got older.

People often try to find a reason for their health issues and blaming other people is nonsensical, of course, but some still like to think their health problems are someone else's fault.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2015 08:26PM by SusieQ#1.

Since grandma is so special and righteous, I think she ought to get a priesthood blessing for her ailment. If it succeeds (ha!) then you will get blessed peace for a while.

When it doesn't, remind her that priesthood blessings fail because their recipients don't have enough faith or aren't otherwise worthy (because, you know, it's the priesthood). Therefore, it's clearly her own fault she wasn't healed, and must have some secret sin of her own. She has to take care of that before being qualified to lecture you.

Funny how my advice usually goes back to turning TBM behavior back on them.

Grandma may have dementia.

Oh man, grandma's pulling out all of the stops! I totally get your frustration. That sort of needless drama and clear manipulation can be exhausting.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing in not engaging in the drama. If gran is getting sick from the stress then it's her making herself sick. Stay strong, positive and let her know how loved she is, when she sees that none of her antics are getting a rise out of you, she'll have to let it go.

Hang in there! :-)

What a nightmare! GOod luck.

on stress. I don't know if her motive is to make people feel guilty for upsetting her, if she's trying to manipulate people, or if she just thrives on making people feel sorry for her. Or maybe she truly can't handle anything. The family has learned to tiptoe around her and treat her oh-so-carefully. And nobody truly shares anything that they don't think she'd want to hear, which means that nobody goes to her for advice or support.

You figured out what it took me decades to figure out: don't take the bait. Just ignore it and change the subject.

If she's really old, she's not going to change. If she's younger, you might be able to just tell her that you are sorry this is upsetting to her, but she's going to have to find a way to deal with it so she won't ruin her own health. But your decision to leave the church isn't her responsibility and there is no sense in her making herself sick over it.

Perhaps this is the result of a lifetime of being a faithful TBM, letting the church dictate your every move to the loss of your own identity, and now the church has no more use for you, so you are a bit lost.

Just a thought.

One of the risks of dementia/Alzheimer's is: age.

It's possible that grandma has some risk. Regardless, it's good to know the signs and risks.
http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/causes-risk-factors

I'm more inclined to deal with medical and health issues than blaming religious ideas.

My guess is that it is your not responding to what she writes that is prompting her statements. So simply send her a monthly or weekly email on your own so you aren't responding at all to what she writes, but she is receiving regularly something from you.

While she doesn't have any right to demand contact, with old people who are often forgotten by many family members it is so easy to get a regular contact established that meets your needs and she can always look forward to getting.

lolly 18 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My guess is that it is your not responding to what
> she writes that is prompting her statements. So
> simply send her a monthly or weekly email on your
> own so you aren't responding at all to what she
> writes, but she is receiving regularly something
> from you.
>
> While she doesn't have any right to demand
> contact, with old people who are often forgotten
> by many family members it is so easy to get a
> regular contact established that meets your needs
> and she can always look forward to getting.

I'll add to this idea. Send photos of the kids, and places you go, involve her and this might reduce her stress level.

I recall when I was a kid with some other kids in the back seat
of a car. My grandmother and two other older ladies were in the
front seat and one of the other ladies was driving.

She got pulled over and ticketed for speeding. After the
officer left, my grandmother turned to us kids and pointed out
that our loud talking etc. had caused her to speed.

I think there's something about blaming kids for everything when
you're an older woman.

Send her a dildo with a note that says "to aid in your stress relief."

I think what you are doing is your best option. Send her a regular(once a week) newsy email and ignore all the churchy accusation stuff.


You are not ignoring her, most grandmas would be happy to get a once a week note from a grandchild, but you are not letting her draw you into her drama.

If you ever do get a letter/email that is not accusatory, I would reply to that quickly. Positive reinforcement and planned ignoring (what you are doing) is a very effective technique.

You might have to wait a while for any results but I suspect with time it will improve her behaviour and if it doesn't you will know you have kept her in your life but set limits on her behaviour in order to protect your family.

If she chooses to work herself into such a state that she gets sick, that is her doing. Your primary responsibility is to your own Immediate family.

Is there a possibility that early onset dementia might be appearing?