http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/byu-students-protest-brandon-davies-dismissal-by-h,19679/?utm_source=recentnews

PROVO, UT—In response to Brigham Young basketball player Brandon Davies' suspension from the Cougar squad for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, his fellow students have taken to their school's campus en masse, protesting the player's expulsion by engaging in flagrant public sex.

"While Davies may have violated the honor code, that code has nothing to do with 'honor' at all," BYU sophomore Clayton Ross said Wednesday as he vigorously penetrated his girlfriend, sophomore Amanda Hesketh, beneath the bronze statue of school founder and namesake Brigham Young. "It has more to do with an attitude of moral control on the part of the university that we find—unhh—that we find distrustful and distasteful and, oh my God, oh my God. Amanda!"

"Wow," an exhausted Ross continued. "Anyway, that's why we're out here doing this."

On the evening of Mar. 1, BYU officials announced that Davies, a promising sophomore center, had been released from the basketball team, a decision that sent the shocked campus into an uproar. Within minutes, the campus was filled with demonstrating, groaning students engaged in sexual intercourse in support of Davies.

Over the next week, students began organizing large-scale protest orgies via Twitter and Facebook, with a majority of the university's undergraduates gathering to fuck one another's brains out all day and all night on the campus's main quad, on the steps of the Smoot Administration Building, and throughout the BYU Museum of Art.

At one point the entire football field at LaVell Edwards Stadium was covered in naked students close to, or achieving, climax.

"I'm sure Davies' teammates knew all about his relations with his girlfriend," said business administration major Katherine Fagin as she rode her boyfriend, Daniel Samson, on the roof of the Spencer W. Kimball Tower. "Nnnngh. Oh. Oh! Ahhh. But do you think they're going to suspend Jimmer Fredette for not reporting Davies? I doubt it."

BYU officials confirmed that students who are caught having sex on campus will be charged with honor-code violations in accordance with university bylaws, but they acknowledged the sheer number of students copulating in solidarity with Davies had made the situation unwieldy for proctors and resident assistants attempting to control the situation.

"There were an estimated 4,000 students having sex inside the performing arts center," Associate Dean of Students Jonathan Kau said. "So it's virtually impossible to establish any semblance of order. And the students are so absorbed in all the passionate sex they're having that they don't even pay attention when I try to stop them. I did call the police, who at one point tried to hose them down, but the students just seemed to like that more."

"I am also somewhat concerned about their safety," Kau added. "Especially for the couple I saw engaged with each other against a full-length window in the Lee Library. I'm pretty sure sex standing up against a window is an honor-code violation, anyway."

University officials admitted that the round-the-clock demonstrations, which "show absolutely no signs of slackening," have been peaceful if occasionally vocal. No damage has been done to the school's facilities or buildings, and where gardens or lawns have been disturbed, students have reportedly tried to replace divots and remove any wrappers, used condoms, or other detritus.

"No one has missed class, no one has been hurt, and everything we've done has been out of principle," junior class president Lucas Williams said from between the thighs of his girlfriend Marissa Haley on the north campus lawn. "In fact, by most people's definition, everyone has acted honorably. All we want is for the administration to admit that and engage with us in a frank discussion of the honor code. Until then, we'll be out here every day. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you bet we will. That's right. Yes."

While Davies remains suspended, he was present on the bench for the Cougars' home win against Wyoming last Saturday night, smiling as his team won a share of the Mountain West Conference championship in front of a jubilantly cheering and fucking crowd.

"It was really special to be there, even if I had to sit on the bench in street clothes between a guy getting blown and a couple of juniors watching the game while doing the reverse cowgirl," said Davies, who was also allowed to cut down the net in a magnanimous decision by Coach Dave Rose that is sure to become controversial. "And when all those fans rushed the court at the buzzer, tore off their clothes, and just started doing it all over the floor…I kind of got misty, I admit it."

"Now I want to come back worse than ever," Davies added.

Yes.

Uh, don't quit your day job, and you may want to consider a name change to Dave the Asshole. Seriously.

You do realize Dave didn't write this?
And it's hilarious regardless of who wrote it.
And if you are going to criticize someone's humor, don't name yourself after someone who hasn't made a good movie in 2 decades.

Can anyone drop him off at the (prison)ward house on their way downtown?