At work my manager is considering having a second child. And I've heard it now a lot. That is that one of your kids will care for you in your old age. I wonder sometimes how delusional this is?

I mean if I don't provide for myself in old age and I try to help these kids in life, am I going to get reciprocal care as an old aged person?

Families are Forever right? LOL!

I took care of my mom in her old age. I lived with her for the last ten years of her life and gave her intensive care (equivalent to assisted living or nursing home care) for the last six months. I don't think that it's all that unusual. Assisted living is expensive and few families can afford it.

Thanks for the reply. I refuse to care for my parents and I know they will have used every last financial possibility and will still be living. The question is who of my siblings will care for them or will they end up in the care of the State of Utah?

As for my in-laws we will probably care for them but my kids won't see this care much unless they live with us as adults. I can only hope they will care for us if that time comes.

My extended family will probably try to avoid caring for my going broke parents because they are so emotionally draining. I would hope my kids don't see me or my wife that way.

There is no such thing as state care. Nursing home care is for people with medical need. Being old and fragile does not qualify as medical need. This comes as news to many people who just figure that they can send their parents off to a nursing home at public expense when the parents can not live without assistance. Not so.

My brother and I had a sort of deal. He cared for my mom's needs when she was younger (and after my dad died, those needs were numerous and time-intensive.) I cared for her in her old age. I was glad to do it.

Interesting info. I know someone here who knows someone who's aged parents have their estate frozen and in the process of liquidation and the state has placed them in a nursing home.

Maybe this what it appears to be - hearsay.

But I will tell you as an apostate with a spouse my parents have treated like crap, it would be a hardsell to send them to Missouri. The prophet would probably have to get involved. They are almost 80. I hope they live well enough to die by themselves. They have alienated many of their children and children's children.

I think that's a horrible reason for having kids, but it does happen.

My elderly MIL is moving in with my BIL and SIL. She has the money and could afford assisted living. Her own mother was in a fairly Dickensian nursing home, and MIL has always wanted to stay in her own home forever, but her memory is such that's not possible now.

I think she actually would love an AL facility as she's very social by nature, but she refused to even look at them. It's going to be hard on my SIL.

In my experience, most elderly parents who can afford it would prefer not to move in with their kids. And these days, there are few situations where there is anyone home all day to watch grandma.

My dad is 92 and is getting senile. He and my step mother live in senior apartments. If she dies or gets sick, we'll have to figure out a solution among us, but it won't be easy. My house has no ground floor bathrooms or bedrooms and we both work full time. It's not that we'd refuse to take care of him, but it's going to be very difficult.

As I am typing this I am at SILs house with DW. The two sisters' dad died not 24 hours ago. They had moved him cross country so they could care for him in his final weeks/months.

MIL died in my presence nine years ago this month. She spent the final twelve years of her life with us. During the first six she was a net contributor to the household; the last six was payback time.

I routinely work into conversations with my kids that we are helping them get established into adult life in part so they can take care of us when we are old. [Most likely though I will be long gone when they are helping their mom.]

My parents, both living, are an entirely different story. They don't want to be a 'burden' and have arranged their lives accordingly. They provide information on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know.

Sigh. So glad I learned the value of family despite them.

Feeling sentimental,

JAR

justarelative Wrote:
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> Sigh. So glad I learned the value of family
> despite them.

I'm still learning. I'm glad you replied. I'm sending you my thoughts of support.

Received. Thank you.

If you're a good father and you are there for your kids when they need it it's likely they'll be willing to return the favor. There's an element of 'selfish' reciprocity even in the most unconditional love. But to rely on some distant future scenario, when we can't even tell what will happen tomorrow, seems to me foolish.

Excellent point. But another good point I think is the "Forever Family" garbage. Wouldn't Mormons be the most likely to care for their elderly parents?

One would think so but I doubt it... I've seen mormon marriages where the couple gets along so poorly that they have to move apart or sometimes actually divorce, but only for time, not eternity. Being stuck with a guy you hate for all eternity is appearantly not a big deal. For many mormons the next life will automatically make you best buddies with everyone. A temple sealing means you don't actually have to bother with the relationship in this life, the temple vodoo patches it up for you once your'e dead.

I know many couples like this as well. "Eternity Only" Celestial Marriages.

God will make them love each other in the eternities?

Saving and collecting interest on the cost of a growing child would pay for extensive elder professional care.

Having children often means a parent must care for them forever if one or more of them have disabilities or are not able to hold down job or become burdens for any other reason.

I think it is stupid to have more children for the sole or primary purpose of having someone care for you when you are old.

However, I do not think it is ridiculous to expect children to help care for you in old age, especially if you show them by example that this is what you do and you have a good, healthy relationship with them.

I watched my mother care for her mother as she was dying of cancer. My grandmother eventually had to spend her last few months in a nursing home. My mother was there every day. I was only 8 years old, but it left a great impression on me.

My husband is from a part of the world where it is standard for multiple generations to live in one household. Everyone takes care of each other. It is just what you do. His parents live with us now. They help us take care of the kids while we both work. Case in point, we have a vomiting kindergartner who is home from school today being cared for by grandparents while my husband and I work. Of course, I will take care of them when they get older. To me, it is a no brainer. We are family and we take care of each other.

I have an estranged relationship with my TBM parents. Sometimes I wonder who will take care of them (if anyone) because they have even managed to piss of their TBM children too. I hope I don't have to take care of them and that one of my siblings will step up, but I will if it is absolutely necessary and there are no other options. It may just cause my parents' heads to explode if their apostate, unforgiving, cold, Catholic daughter is the one who takes care of them.

My kids are little and we are raising them in such a way that multi-generation households are good and mutually beneficial. When my kids are older, I would be more than happy to move in with one of them and help take care of their household when I am older. When that time comes, I will recognize that they are "the boss" and I will defer to them when it comes to how things go, which is what my in-laws have done.

I'm not saying that this is the way to go for everyone. If you have a toxic relationship with your parents, all bets are off, and they will just need to fend for themselves. All the adults have to be willing to play nicely in the sandbox to make it work.

My grandmother took care of both her MIL and her mother at different times. Both were difficult people - very cold and demanding. My grandmother had a time dealing with them. She said that she would never live with any of her children when she got old. And she didn't. She lived in a senior community until she had to be moved to Alzeheimer's care.

On the flip side, a friend of mine had her mom and dad move in when he got sick with cancer. After he died her mom stayed with her. They are really close and get along great. I have another friend whose mom lives in a MIL suite in their house and watches his two girls after school since both he and his wife work.

I think a lot of it depends on your relationship with the family. In the case of my grandmother, her mother made her feel unloved when she was growing up through nasty comments and a lack of affection. So when it was my grandmother's turn to take care of her mom, yes she was resentful. I hope my son won't have to take care of us when my husband and me are older. But if he has to, I don't think he would resent it because we've shown him love and have taken care of him.

I have done a lot of elder dare and what I found is that most of them end up living in residential homes with very little family attention for a variety of reasons; some outlive all of their immediate family, friends and some family are all far away, they can't take care of themselves. Not everyone is capable or interested in taking care of their aging parents.They are cared for by strangers, many of whom can barely speak their language. Some have a Durable Power of Attorney, some do not.
A good percentage of those over 80 years old have dementia - usually Alzheimer's and are extremely difficult to care for
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The best thing to do is to plan ahead; make a Living Will and designate family members to do what you think you'll need: medical executor, financial executor, DNR (do not resuscitate), etc. Medicare will cover some of the medical costs, plus supplemental insurance. Hospice, (home or otherwise) is very good for end of life needs.

more than a few days in a nursing home (after a hospitalization). My dad never did spend time in a nursing home, though he had hospice care for 3 years. His nurse said he was just too onery to die.

My older brother, who had a stroke at age 42 and became disabled, lived 5 blocks away and would clean the house and spend time with them every day and they paid him. They also made sure they had finances to take care of themselves.

I have told my children to put me in a nursing home. I hope I die like my parents did, though. I have had aunts and uncles spend YEARS in nursing homes. I know both my boyfriend and my ex will die AFTER me, so I'm not particularly worried, but I DO NOT want my kids taking care of me.

My husband's grandmother is 92. She is the most delightful person - still in charge of her faculties fully. Her vision started to fade in her 80's, so she learner to read braille at 88. She has lived with two of her daughters on and off, but decided in her early 80's, after grandpa passed, to live in a senior community. She felt so many older people feel they lose their value - she wanted to stay close to people that might not have anyone else. She saw it as a ministry. In the last few months, after a broken hip, she is back with one of her daughters, and says this is her last move. She still calls to check on her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. All of her children have scrambled to be the one that grandma stays with. We are very lucky.

My dad, conversely, told me when he was dying of cancer that he would only move in with me or my brother "over his dead body". Well, after dad died and we had him cremated, it was too cold to bury his ashes where he wanted, so he "lived" on my shelf for the winter. I dusted his box every Saturday and chuckled he got his wish.

What a timely conversation! My DH and I were talking about this last night. We were trying to figure out what to do with his grandmom. She's fairly healthy, but the signs are there that she can't remember to do the necessary things to continue to live alone.

My in-laws have made plans to move quite a distance from their hometown. No one has told grandmom,yet. She really needs to be part of this decision. She can't be left behind, but it isn't easy to tell her that she has to leave her home of over 40-50 years because her only son wants/needs to move.

Someone will have to step up and help her.

She's a bit of a cold, difficult personality that makes it hard to spend a lot of time with her.

As DH and I talked, I said, I hope my kids like me when I'm old. I'd hate to be a burden, but that's bound to be the case. If I have to rely on my kids, I hope that at least they like me as a person. :(

There is no way for anyone to know what the circumstances will be 20 or 50 years down the road. But everybody knows that at some point, they will probably need help. And instead of expecting OTHER people to make sacrifices to take care of them, they should plan for their own care, and/or create the kind of relationships where their kids would WANT to be around them.

Will those kids have full-time jobs? Will they travel for work? Will they have special needs kids? Will they have room in their house? Does it need to be wheelchair accessible? What will your relationship be? What if the parent has Alzheimer's or dementia? Will the parent need physical help doing everything? Will it last for 5 years? 10 years? Longer?

I don't think raising a child entitles a parent to expect the child to "return the favor". It's not the same thing to care for a fully grown adult who is becoming more and more dependent as it is to care for a small child who is becoming more and more independent as it grows. It's not the same physically OR emotionally.

I personally want to be in a position to hire my own help when I get to the point that I need it. My kids will have their own lives and families and I wouldn't want them to give up everything to care for me. I don't want to be dependent.