These two words evoke visceral feelings of terror and fear when we realize that in nearly every act of violence

or abuse the perpetrator uses them toward his victim or anyone who may have witnessed his crime.

These words, however, never stand alone. They never say "don't tell". They say "Don't tell, OR" and they go

on to say what will happen if the person does tell. It's never good and it changes a request to a threat.

my father molested me when I was young and sure enough, when he was finished he used those very words. "don't

tell, or........


Well you can imagine my shock and horror when, on my wedding day before 1990, I had to walk into a Mormon

Temple and again hear those words. Don't tell, or.....

yeah, I thought that was weird too. It was very hard to not discuss any of it with my husband afterward. I was left with so many questions and was far more confused than ever. I wanted answers and all I got was more questions. I had a migraine my first time through the temple. I blamed that for not having any understanding of what just happened.

your description is exactly how I felt. Not to mention the fact that I had to go through all of

it totally alone as none of my family was able to go to my wedding. None of what I experienced that

day matched the smiley faces of members and their testimonies about the beauty and sacred feelings

they had in the temple. So happy I can talk about it now.

Wait. You can't talk about the temple with your husband or wife?! How do they pull that off? They immediately interfere in your marriage, besides the new attractive honeymoon underpants?

it only gets worse. The garments, in those days, were one piece

with the crotch open. If you wanted any "privacy" you had to

wear underpants over your garments. Having your monthly visitor

was a total nightmare. That's when I figured it must have been

a man who designed them.

Don't tell, because if you do, you'll end up getting disemboweled and your throat slit. That's a pretty heavy threat.

I remember all the crap I heard in Young Women's with a picture

of a beautiful woman in her wedding gown looking in a mirror

with a picture of the temple in the background. I did everything

on my actual wedding day and looking back, I was really in shock

the rest of the day. The deception was completely overwhelming.

I considered it an act of betrayal to have been so misled before

I went in there.

I was a convert, I was baptized when I was 31. I was married before. I wanted so much to be the perfect Mormon wife and mother. I didn't even look at all the warning signs. I put on my garments and was very confused about those too. I couldn't ask any questions like what do you do with your bra? over, under? Should I be wearing a white bra? Because most of mine are colored, and lace? Does that mean I'm bad? My husband was not happy. He wanted to be, he tried, but it wasn't working. We were married 3 years before we were sealed. He was used to seeing my in thongs, lace, color. This, this was not appealing. If anything it created problems. I always thought I was bad if I had any sexual feelings that went against Mormon thought. I thought something was wrong with me, I must have been sexually abused to have such thoughts. I had a literal mental breakdown trying to be worthy of those garments. I still have some, I'm not sure what to do with them. I know I will never go back to wearing them.

my mother never went through the temple so she was unable to

advise me when I married, about anything, least of all garments.

When my husband saw me in them the first time, he laughed and

told me how stupid I looked. An endless nightmare.

That is heart-breaking! Instead of feeling sexy... feeling humiliated. Perfect.

They should be giving Tithing refunds for pain and suffering.

For me it was "Dont tell people youre gay"

I'm so sorry you experienced that. Who told you not to tell? Parents? The bishop?

That makes me feel sick. I'm glad you're away from the abuse/hope you have a loving family now.

'it has been decided'

I think I'll give my grandchildren the advice, that if anyone tells them, "Don't Tell", to immediately tell me and their parents. No exceptions. Especially, if grownups say this.

My children were threatened not to tell about the abuse from the Mormon priesthood leaders. I was threatened to not tell anyone my ex-husband was beating me. He instilled fear in me. He was very large and strong. He had guns. He had assaulted others.

For me and my children, and many others, the Mormon cult has a history of abuse, and like my wife-beater ex-husband, they will abuse again and again, because they CAN. The Mormon cult makes their own rules, and they answer to no one! Women are nothing. Children are possessions, fresh meat to be cured by brainwashing, and sent out to convert themselves, multiply, and feed the beast.

Even after we resign, and get on with our lives, we still "Don't tell", for fear of losing family members, losing friendships, losing our jobs, losing clients, losing our standing in the community, or whatever.

Except for the few brave souls, most of us ex-Mormons "Don't Tell," and we cower on RFM, with anonymous names. My abusive ex is still stalking me and laying claim to me and refusing to let go of his eternal temple marriage to me.

"we cower on RFM, with anonymous names"

First off be kinder to yourself! You have been through a hell of a lot, give yourself credit for that. You have given your kids options, pat yourself on the back for that.

As to being anon on the internet, that is a good thing for the most part. It is a very personal decision. Eric always has been public with his information and it has caused problems. Sue was public for a while, a crazy troll thought she was me and called her. I am sure RichardP could write a book as he has always been public. Benson, we won't even go there.

That being said, when people are ready I hope they do make their views known. Everyone is different, every circumstance is different. There is no right or wrong here. I was very lucky, I had great and grand great aunts and uncles who had left and they had a HUGE impact on me. Shucks and golly darn but they DIDN'T have horns, tails, and eat little children. They were smart, articulate, WELL ROUNDED individuals that could talk about something besides church, work, kids, church. They had friends from many countries, ethnicity and GASP some were gay. Just being authentic can go a long way.

Others, for their own legitimate reasons, choose not to do so, which I totally understand and respect--except if they're nothing but Mo trolls.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2015 12:54PM by steve benson.

Never thought about these two words in this way, and now I won't forget, and I won't forget that it comes with a third frightening threatning word, "or". Excellent thread.

I am sorry for those of you who posted that you or members of your family were abused, and my heart goes out to each of you. I have been there, also, and then again with a child, and the terror and guilt and shame that this action brings, whatever form of abuse it came in, is so devastating, so hurtful and so life altering.

One of the forms of abuse that I endured was verbal and emotional abuse from my home life. It virtually rendered me speechless in so many ways because as children we were considered invisible and very much in the way.

To an extent, I think verbal abuse goes on in Mormonism; of course, especially in the case of the female gender. Men, are certainly on a different rung of the ladder, but to be talked to and about with much respect and reverence, they must perform and rise in the priesthood circus and in the positions they serve. Women must be silent in many areas, the silenter the better, such as not aspiring to bless or baptize your child or help make a decision as to who will serve as a bishop.

Don't tell....or....you will go to hell. When I attempted to talk to a family member, this is what I got. These words were not spoken literally, but indirectly. I was told I was not telling the truth. However, this literally happens in the Church-----think, first of all, Joseph Smith threatening Emma with obey polygamy or die, written for all to see in the Doctrine and Covenants, and abusive bishops making threats, and TBM abusive fathers making threats so that you will never tell.