Posted by:
MCR
(
)
Date: February 25, 2015 02:17PM
I don't think you should write the letter. Not because it's unfair to him, and not because he might commit suicide (although, of course, I'd never want that). Fairness has got nothing to do with; the whole situation is unfair. Nor do I agree that the OP must disengage in order to protect her mental health.
My problem with the letter and "must protect YOU, first," is that both represent a victim mentality. There is this idea that the other person is "this way (whatever label, gay, abusive, whatever), then because they are "this way" the subject must do something to accomodate. Doing something because you "have to," because someone else did something or is something always makes the subject a victim because the other person by doing something, not doing something, or being something is in control of every situation and is calling the shots.
The OP seems to believe that if only her husband would come out of the closet and admit he's gay, they could begin healing. There is absolutely no reason to believe that his doing that will make any difference at all. It's an obsession. By focussing on getting the husband to do this one, necessary thing, all the focus is taken off reality and put into this thing. There may be many things that can be done to begin a healing process, but they won't be initiated if the OP believes that this one precondition must be met first.
Also, the alternative to having a person do exactly what you want them to do is to disengage from them. Not necessarily. Yes, you need boundaries, and yes, you must stop allowing yourself to be abused, and yes, if the only way to stop being abused is to leave, you must leave. But the only way to protect oneself is to abandon others isn't necessarily true, and it shouldn't be assumed that it is.