My 9 year old daughter was told by her classmate/friend that she wasn't thin- said to her in a mean way. When I was told the story I tried to console my daughter and tell her all of the right things I thought she should hear, but I feel unprepared since I haven't had to deal with this type of issue yet. Are there any parents out there that have had something like this happen? I want to nip this ASAP.

So to "on topic" this the offender is Lds- which really means nothing.

Any suggestions would be highly appreciated!!

Let 9 year olds fight their own battles.

Did you know that now 9 year olds are being diagnosed with anorexia? Something that was pretty much unheard of until the last decade?

Unfortunately, you have to be able to explain to your daughter about how mean girls really are to each other starting at this age and she'll have to learn the best way for her to deal with it. It may be ignoring it, letting it roll off her back, or pulling a Bessie Delaney, "You ain't so pretty yo'self!"

I really, really recommend watching Killing Us Softly 4 on youtube. It's quite disturbing what society markets to young girls and women. If you want to see the flip side of that coin, watch Tough Guise.

From my experience, when young kids have eating disorders, it's because of things directly in their lives. Not because of "society". It could be from bullying, peer pressure, parents having eating disorders (this was my case with both parents), coping mechanism because of stress, etc.

Which is why pyschology and sociology are considered "soft sciences." There's no one answer that fits all people, but society does have some responsibility when it comes to eating disorders, too.
Don't you think that peer pressure and bullying are part of society's problems?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/02/2015 10:01AM by Itzpapalotl.

I wouldn't just leave it to the kids to sort it out. She simply is not emotionally equipped to do that now. Girl battles are different than boy battles. Boys tend to get physical and then blow it off. Girls can be relentlessly cruel, and on the receiving end, they internalize stuff like that much more.

If this other girl keeps at it or gets other people involved, I would definitely talk to her parents and/or the school. And if things don't improve, I would get her out of contact with that kid or teach her how to fight back verbally.

I know someone who was teased about weight near that age, and for a few years after, and it has impacted her self-image into adulthood. She has been through an eating disorder. Even though she is very thin now, and drop-dead beautiful, she still has a poor self-image.

You can't protect your kid from every unkind word. But if someone starts bullying them, absolutely try to shut it down.

Does your daughter have a weight problem? If she does,you need to find ways to deal with it such as changing her eating and exercize habits. If she doesnt,reassure her and dont let her get the idea that she needs to worry about it. That can lead to eating disorders.

This is bullying behavior and let the school know that it needs to stop immediately. If you let it slip, it will get worse and not better. Nip it in the bud while the problem is small and there's only one offending girl versus a small clique of them that are picking on your child. I would trust your daughter's instincts that this was meant to be unkind and not in a matter-of-fact sort of way. Don't expect her to tough it out--relational aggression is so much worse than physical aggression. Call tomorrow!

+1

I'd also try to suggest ways and phrases to respond to this girl. She can then think about them and choose what would work for her. Bottom line she needs to learn to stand up for herself, even to bullies. Take the focus away from the weight and put it on the issue of standing up because someone who wants to pick on someone else will find anything to make them feel bad about themselves.

Good luck.

+1

I agree that this is bullying behavior. Take it up with the teacher first, and the principal if necessary. As a teacher, I tell kids that most people's weights will change a lot during their lifetimes. The weight may go up, and down, and up, and down again. I use myself as an example.

Your daughter could respond, "At least I am pretty on the *inside.* I know better than to make mean remarks."

I agree with Imaworkinonit that girls can be quite cruel, especially when they form small cliques. Many teachers prefer to work with boys for this reason. Boys are more straightforward.

Don't forget the bus driver, if your kid rides the bus.

I was not bullied in a classroom or in the lunch room or on the playground. However, our school buses were like Lord of the Flies -- no holds barred. The bus drivers (in the 70s) were powerless to do anything.

I find the only thing that backs a bully down is standing up to the bully. Give the child some words she can use to stand up for herself. She will feel better about the situation if not totally de-fuse the bullies.

I think the worst thing you could do is just leave it up to the kids to sort out. That's nonsense. Children are little savages. They have to be taught how to act civilized. They won't learn how to be civilized unless someone starts teaching them about manners and empathy and compassion. This is why you don't just let kids run wild on each other. Someone should step in as an adult and provide some adult guidance.

Honestly, I'm kinda hot about that tidbit of advice. In what world are 9-year-olds capable of working out something like that? All that would teach a kid is that her parents don't have her back and she cannot count on them to protect her and help her when she needs it. That's how my parents handled things and I do not trust anyone to help me when I need it because my parents were never there for me. They subscribed to the "ignore the kids and let them figure things out on their own" philosophy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/02/2015 09:19AM by dogzilla.

As a teacher I often stepped in to help. If I hadn't children would have been injured emotionally and physically. I held many class meetings about what is the difference between bullying and simply upsetting or not minding what another child wants. We talked about strategies and when kids needed to seek help. I sometimes took away all privileges from a bully ringleader until they showed signs of being more accommodating and kind to classmates. What an awful burden to tell a child no one will try to help them if they're in an ongoing severely abusive situation.

go watch the film 'This is 40' and see how parents should handle this sort of situation

Anorexia was something my children's peers and classmates were struggling with from kindergarten on up, and they are millenials.

I'd be very concerned if there's bullying to try and nip that in the bud.

Secondly, also try to educate your daughter about the problems with self-image girls as well as boys nowadays have towards their bodies.

Hopefully she learns to have self love and respect for her body, instead of trying to become pencil thin to feel fashionable.

For now you are helping her to form her self-image as her mother, so you play a strong role in helping her to develop self confidence and be able to stand up for herself to bullying when it does occur. In addition to helping her develop a "thick skin," to also help her see herself as beautiful for who she is.

Eating right, maintaining healthy exercise helps foster positive self-image also, but so too does having a loving home that accepts her for who she is.

This will be the least of her battles as she grows up. Middle School and High School will be rougher. Other girls can be MEAN and attach each other on their looks and ability to be attractive and popular.

Take this opportunity to learn about talking to your daughter a her feelings about the comment.

I have told my daughter over the years that "when people say mean comments, they are really feeling insecure and deep down putting YOU down makes them feel more powerful. Do not let them have that power and remember who you are!"

Teach your daughter to enjoy who she is by healthy standards, and not the standards of people who really do not matter.

My daughter is older now, but I have pointed her to a website called Healthy is the New Skinny, which has empowering messages for women about health and size.

Girls and women are given messages from society and media all the time about who they need to be. Remind your daughter of her worth and watch her esteem bloom.

As she gets older, those sharp comments from others will bounce off her thick skin.

RMM

I really appreciate all of the comments here. I used this experience to teach my daughter how NOT to talk to her peers, and have a plan of action in place. =) I really do thank all of those who commented.

I suggest you talk to the teacher. I taught children that age and appreciated parents who brought these situations to my attention. I've had many talks with little girls like the one who insulted your daughter and many talks to comfort little girls who felt hurt or inadequate. Teachers can do so much to help if they are sensitive and have parent cooperation. Good luck to you and your young daughter.

Called relational aggression. It's most common with girls, too. We discussed the issue of society and bullying in my human development class today and what the effects comes from this behaviour.

It's something that needs to be nipped in the bud to teach children that bullying is horrible. Child bullies grow up to be adult bullies if no one steps in to quell the behaviour.

Can I just add that she is a lucky girl to have a lovely caring father. My father was the bully in my life and none too kind about my physical flaws. When a child has a difficult situation at school--even if you fix this, there will be lots more right behind it--it's great that she has a safe place to come home to. Please keep home a nice place. Diet and food battles are death to a loving home.

My younger daughter has always been bigger than average. I tried to keep her active and eating healthful food, but I refused to put her on a diet that would probably not work and would surely be miserable for both of us. Today my daughter is tall, voluptuous, stunningly pretty, happy, successful, hardworking, delightful...you get the idea. The best of luck to you.