I have a question. My boyfriend is on his mission. I am not a Mormon and he knew this was not an option for me. We were best friends. We have stayed very close throughout his mission. Before he left, and even while he was on his mission, he told me it did not matter about my status as a non mormon and even got angry when he would hear that other people had tried to talk to me about converting. He would even sneak around the mission rules to be able to stay in contact with me. Last week his weekly email to me was as always - he loved me and couldn't wait to see me again and to hold strong until he got home. This week, an email simply stating he could no longer be with me, he realized how important the eternal family was and we were finished. What could've happened in that one weeks time that so completely changed him?

Someone got to him -- perhaps his Mission President. Or it could have been anyone, really. People come back from missions changed. Part of the church's design is to use missions to bind the missionary to the LDS church. It's a rite of passage, if you will -- also a rite of intensive indoctrination.

I hate to say it, but it may be for the best. Mormonism is not just another Christian denomination. It is a religion that will suck your money, time, talents and children away from you. Your *not* being a Mormon would have likely always been an issue. I think your boyfriend was rather naïve in this regard.

I would email him back and ask him if he is aware that virtually *all* Christians believe that they will be reunited with their families in heaven? Mormons are pretty much the only ones who think you potentially *can't* be reunited!

Good luck to you, and do keep reading this board. You will discover much that your boyfriend did not share with you.

I think all this means is that you know the week that the LDS church goal for his mission was met.

Their goal is to brainwash the missionary deeper into the church. Converting other people is secondary, locking the missionary into the church is primary.

His actions let you know the brainwashing has kicked in. He is done.

A few of us have been there, something just clicks one day out on your mission, and you suddenly see the world differently. You see it through a church coloured lens.

Like summer says, someone got to him. This just means that he talked to someone like his parents, his mission president, or anyone else who pointed out the silly idea of a guy who has been through the secret endowment ceremony in the temple to then marry a non Mormon and not be able to have this secret in common with them. Not necessarily exactly like that, I'm only generalizing. but that is the gneral idea. Good Mormons do not marry or talk about love with non Mormons.

This is probably for the best. if by a miracle you two would have gotten married, the Mormon cult would always be somehow in your personal life and would even be in your bedroom. They would drive wedges and interfere whereever they could.

It is one of those unspoken customs that after about a year in the mission the missionary sends a dear Jane letter and breaks up with any girlfriends left behind so the missionary can be devoted to his God. This is a phase he is going through. The forever family (married in the Mormon Temple) is expected for all Mormons. That may be the what ends your relationship. Sorry. I know I lost my love (non member) over the belief I had to marry in the Temple. That was over 40 years ago and I still miss her.

I know you are hurting now. But consider it like ripping a bandaid off.

It was going to get to this point eventually. He just did it all at once. I am guessing he had been thinking about it for a long time, even before his mission.

As young adults, the Mormon - Non-Mormon relationship is very easy. It gets far more complicated after marriage and even moreso after kids are born. This may be really hard right now, but it is much better than the pain that would have come later.

Read all you can here to really understand how a mixed marriage doesnt work and you will see how you are probably better off finding a non-Mormon.

It's also important to keep in mind that he's selling people about "eternal families" every day. That's got to weigh on his mind. Unfortunately for him all this hinges on Joseph Smith's revelation that gave him a free pass to have many wives (see Doctrine & Covenants section 132).

But, I agree with other posters that it's entirely possible that his Mission President or other leaders put some pressure on him.

It's unfortunate that the LDS Church got between the two of you. I hope you will be able to heal and move forward from this, and look back on it all and think what happened was all for the best.

It's possible he got caught. Breaking things off with you might be part of his disciplinary process. If so, and if he had been naïve as others suggest, he's not any more. His heart could be breaking over you as he begins to realize he doesn't have anywhere near as much freedom as he's been thinking. The church has lowered the hammer on him: it's either us or her, not both.

As painful as it may be in the moment, your best option is to move on. The most positive outcome of continuing to pursue this relationship -- trying to overcome whatever happened this week -- is that he comes home from his mission (whether early or 'honorably') and dumps the religion in favor of you. But then you're still stuck with Mormon relatives trying to interfere in your life for the rest of your life. And you have to successfully navigate the difficult process of developing a growing, maturing relationship with someone who is recovering from the mind-rape which is Mormonism. Plus the terror of the ever-present possibility of him relapsing back into the cult.

Interesting that you chose questioningmind for a name; I would have expected questioningheart. Oh, well.

Best to you,

JAR

Edited to add this P.S. Do let us know if you are reading these messages, and whether they are helpful to you. We are able to help you and others like you only as much as you provide us with feedback.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/07/2015 10:34AM by justarelative.

He is a total Mormon. You are not. There is no future for you and him. Evan if you joined the Mormons to be with him, you will never be a total, true Mormon. He is in a controlled world you will never understand. You are lucky you found this out about the Mormons now. Good luck with you life.

You have to understand that temples, temple marriage and families being "sealed" in the temple are the most important thing to mormons. The church pushes the importance of temple marriage and forever families so hard that it almost always becomes a deal breaker for a mormon dating a non-mormon.

The purpose of the LDS mission is to fully brainwash young mormons into being fully devoted to the church. Your boyfriend was young and clueless and obviously wasn't fully devoted to the the church and its dogma before his mission since he was dating a non-mormon and thought he could marry outside the temple.

Sounds like your boyfriend finally drank the koolaid. The cult finally got to him. It would have happened sooner or later.

Was he using the church email system to email you? Or did he use his regular, civilian, email address? This is important because if he was using "mylds", it really makes JAR's theory very viable, that he got caught and is being forced to toe the line.

If he was breaking another rule by using his personal email to stay in touch with you, it opens up the possibility, since he's a rule breaker, and it's that he's fallen in 'love.'

Elders are often the target of mormon girls in their missions; there are countless stories of elders who after being released, returned to the mission to claim their bride. Obviously in such situations rules were broken while the elder was in the field, but nothing is ever done, since the outcome is church favorable.

As for rejecting you because you'll never convert seems to be rejecting ghawd's power to work miracles. Which is why I favor the "bird in the hand worth two in the bush" theory.

This is a big blow to you I'm sure.

Unfortunately, these long term missionary relationship do often fall apart and that's especially true if the one waiting at home is not a devout Mormon.

This guy has serious issues which would be hard to surmount. If he married you, you'd have to deal with his church and family seeing you as and unworthy broken gentile and a project to be converted and fixed.

Thank you for your responses; they are really helpful. It has been hard, but it is almost like a breath of relief to be away from this church after having felt like a target for them for so long. I will miss him, but you are all right and this is for the best. This is a great service you are doing for people like me who don't understand the Mormon church and how it operates. Thank you again.

Sorry you at going through this. I waited for my husband while he was on his mission and we did get married. lucky for me, I have not had pressure to convert. That being said it is. It an easy road and although he is not active now, he has not let go of the church. I'm not sure he ever will.

I agree with what others have said as to reasons why he would break up with you...I would also add that this past weekend's General Conference was heavy on Mormon temple marriages being gawds only happy marriages...all others are "counterfeit"

he's an idiot.

I'm also thinking along JAR's lines--he may have gotten popped and was told to tell you sayonara.

If there is any way to contact him, and you really are that close to him, maybe it's time to to consider whether or not he's in a cult.

Cults control people that way.......

Hook up with one of his friends, that always helps in breakups.

Man, that was a nasty how-do-you-do. Just out of the blue like that. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it was a shock. Unfortunately it's not a surprise to us though.

Honestly, be very grateful that you're not going to be having Mormon children. The Mormons around them would have pitted them against you, the non-Mormon.

Although I know that it will be a while before you can realize that you actually made a lucky escape on this one. Right now it just stinks.

True love is rare and precious.

Faith in face in the hat fantasies comes and goes.

He had the choice.

Take condolence in knowing you got the better of the deal.

I'm sorry. You must be grieving right now, but it might be for the best. Good luck in your healing. My TBM SIL is married to a member of another faith and their poor 6 year old is so confused because of everything she hears at LDS church that her dad and her extended family are all in the wrong religion and won't be in heaven with her. I'm sure it doesn't do much to help your aching heart, break ups are hard in the best circumstances.

Wow! All of you are so willing to write the young man off! I went on a mission too (back in '86) and I was SO IN LOVE with my girl back home. She did not feel the same way, though she really liked me. I think she knew I was planning to go home and marry her so she went on her mission just before I got back home. So I married someone else (who was a BPD nightmare) and the girl I really loved finished her mission and died a year after she came home. I miss her. What am I saying here...? You never know what will happen. Love is a tremendous force. People will risk their lives for it. They do every day. You can write your missionary off if you want but to me it sounds like he is protecting his heart and making a jerk move by cutting you off first. I was there too. It was stupid.

If you really, really love him than write to him anyway. He will treasure your letters even if he does not know how to process the fact that he is in love with a Gentile. Another thing...go to college. Show him that you are bettering yourself and your situation so he will need to catch up. An educated, smart, and strong woman is rare among TBM's so you will stand out from the crowd.

Honestly, it is your life. I don't really know you or your situation. Only you can decide what is best for you. You know yourself and you know your man. You will ultimately make the call but that choice is yours. I'm just saying there is another side to things rather than writing him off.

one more thing...a returned male missionary is a person who talks about nothing but mormonism but thinks about nothing but sex. Just fyi.

Ok let me start out by saying that your boyfriends feels 100% the same towards you as he did before, you just can't change that quick, the other thing is, he is on a mission, so it's not like he can meet/start a relationship with another person. If I was you I would email him saying that you understand and support him at this time, and that your here if he needs support, you really don't have any other option. But the best bit of news I have for you is "the church is not true". So it should be simple to learn what you need to deconvert him after his mission. When he gets home tell him you want to learn about the church to better understand you friendship. Trust me he will love this, as you take the church lessons your be able to ask some really good questions to open his mind, plus your be in front of him. The power of his feelings will grow. Good luck. Don't give up.