I wanted to continue this thread. I Was married to a man who didn't seem to be able to control his lustful looks at other women .It got to the point in our marriage where I did not want to be with him in public. I felt embarrassed and disrespected.

I felt like a real looser in the marriage. I am an attractive smart funny woman but never felt like I was enough for him. Our sex life was good, I was not a prude.

He was from a major LDS polygamy family and I honestly believe he was genetically engineered to not be satisfied with one woman. It was like an addiction he could not control. He was uber flirty with women and his good friends were women.

I would love to know if other women/men had this same problem in their marriages. I have read other thread about narcissism and maybe that played apart of this. But just happy I am out of the marriage.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2015 12:23PM by antilehinephi.

I have to say that I was a little alarmed by the number of people who described his behavior as 'totally normal' in the previous thread. These things are always on a spectrum and everyone's preferences are different. So, this is what I would ask/say to the OP:

1. If there's anything you truly feel is 'out of control,' it's something you should work on curbing.
2. What he described sounded like much more than the average 'that person is attractive and I noticed and looked for a few extra seconds.' Is it normal to find other people who aren't your wife attractive? Sure. Is it normal to do the things you described? I'd say no.
3. Yes, the Mormon church DOES, imo, make people in general--not just men--either oversexed or severely undersexed. (Straight) teenage boys stare at women all the time and are obsessed with breasts and can't focus on much else. Past that point, they get to know women on a more personal level, have some flings or girlfriends, see people naked in college, and realize that breasts are wonderful but they aren't the be-all end-all of existence. If you're still at that point, no, that's not normal. Stealing a glance? Sure. Finding people other than your spouse attractive? Of course. Feeling lascivious or distracted to the point of worry every time you speak to an attractive woman, or feeling even predatory (which sounded like what he was describing) when you're talking to a woman in a low-cut top? Feeling tempted to cheat, touch, or stare an awkward length of time every time you talk to a pretty coworker? No, not mature or normal. Teens do that. Adults calm down and get over the fact that there are lots and lots of attractive people in the world in varying degrees of dress and undress. It's really not that big of a deal and shouldn't be drawing your attention to that level.
4. If you've never had the chance to do that, though--to calm down, because the only women you've ever gotten to know closely are your wife and some images in porn or on magazines, then you don't really know women, that they're human beings and not just sex objects, and it's totally understandable not to be more mature and sexually developed.
5. If your wife is reasonable (like, not insanely jealous that you've ever found anyone else attractive in your lifetime) and feels disrespected, yes, you've gone too far. It's something everyone needs to work on. It's a balance between not suppressing yourself and making sure you're respecting other women, your wife, and yourself.
6. If you're making any women uncomfortable with your attention, or if it's nonconsensual in some way, including staring, then that's also very inappropriate and it's something to work on. It seems counterintuitive, but getting to know MORE women would help. In this country we see music videos and magazines that tell us women are just objects to be stared at and used, and then in the Mormon bubble we're forced into an insane degree of celibacy and sexual repression. To think that doesn't affect, well, everybody, is naive. Women are attractive just as men are attractive, but they're also just human beings with thoughts, ideas, worries, bodily fluids, annoying habits, gross days, etc. Mormonism forces men to think of women as submissive baby machines and society teaches them to think of women as vapid sex machines. It's very confusing and doesn't do justice to anybody.

I appreciate your post. The ogling looked like an addiction to me. I started becoming co-dependent by thinking there was something wrong with me and if I just changed something about me
He would stop. Maybe it had something to do with him being a Mormon. I don't know.

Mormon men are taught to think of women as trophies/prizes that they win upon returning from a mission, so there's always 'someone better.' There's also the history of polygamy that undergirds the whole religion and treats women as interchangeable. So it breeds narcissism in men and neuroticism in women. I wouldn't put the OP in the narcissist category, but it could easily go too far if a man is already self-absorbed and/or insecure and in need of a lot of attention.

Clearly there is an element of superficiality if plastic surgery is booming in Utah. How insecure are these women/why? I don't have small breasts, so I don't entirely understand, but it has turned into a superficial contest. They know those won't be resurrected, right?

If all women have to offer is their looks and fertility, and vapidity (because you have to be vapid to accept Mormonism wholesale), then they'd better be superficial or they won't have any status in Mormon culture. Beauty is overvalued everywhere, but in other segments of society women are also at least sometimes valued for their work ethic, skills, good hearts, intelligence, courage, humor, and what have you.

In a cruel twist, many Mormon men become attracted to co-workers who earn similar salaries and can maintain a conversation without talking about children or callings or ward gossip. Their wives bore them out of their skulls (appearance only goes so far).

I kinda disagree on this one. It's not just the Morg cultural that this is happening. It's almost a stereotypical story that has shown up in so many soap opera stories and personal stories on what happens to some couples.

The man, usually studying to become a doctor, is put through school while the wife works and/or stays home. The usual intention is "I'll put him through school, then it will be my turn (or I'll become a stay at home doctor's wife)." There's really nothing nefarious or evil planned.

What happens is that as the man becomes more educated or spending more time with "colleagues" he and his less educated wife don't have anything in common. They speak a different language, have different interests, don't have anything to share anymore. They start resenting each other, she because he's spending all of his time away, he because she is now dull or less communicative.

There are exceptions, but this happens all the time. People change and education and professions change people very, very fast; so fast the husband and wife don't even know each other one day.

...and once the kids are gone, they end up being strangers to each other... And without the kids to hold the marriage together, the more affluent one starts wanting more for his money.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> ...and once the kids are gone, they end up being
> strangers to each other... And without the kids
> to hold the marriage together, the more affluent
> one starts wanting more for his money.


Have you seen this happen or is it a cliche?

I'm sure that happens elsewhere, especially in the past, but what you're describing is far more common in Mormon circles than elsewhere. Mormon women are discouraged from being intellectually challenged or challenging to men. They also don't get a "turn" at all. They are just expected to stay home from day 1 and sacrifice education and career to raise way more children than average. I do agree that it happens elsewhere, but Mormon men are also taught that they are spiritually superior and powerful just by virtue of being male. Add to that sexual repression for both parties, and the only thing that's left to value women for is a very narrow standard of beauty. Mormon women are discouraged from developing identities outside of wife and mom at 19.

My father in law was a narcisst piece of shit and used his penishood as a weapon to maintain is choke hold. He is also a descendant of lots of polygamists, maybe its a learned and genetc behavior. I also think lots of the fundamentalist Baptists etc., would fit right in as polygmists.

In my opinion and afer observing my FIL, if you dug deep behind the scenes with the Duggars or the Sister Wives guy you would see two narcissit, control freak, pieces of shit ruining the lives of lots of people and getting away with it.

These guys are smooth around others and everything looks great on the outside, but there are lots of secrets, unspoken words and nasty behaviors behind the scenes.

His behavior, however, is not.

Beauty is in the eye - and the heart - of the beholder.

He couldn't/ doesn't control his eyes, or his heart.

What he did says less about you and more about him.

Thanks moremany.

If you want to understand women, look at cats. If you want to understand men, look at dogs. Guys stare because they're like dogs looking at a plate of food. Some of them can't not look. Others are aware of the food and pretend not to notice.

The thing to understand about cats and dogs living together, and this is the case with real cats and dogs, is that the cat lays down the law. There's something to be learned from nature.

But sometimes even if cats lay down the law over and over and over again, nothing changes. Ogling women can be an addiction. Some men get a chemical charge from it that becomes pretty intoxicating.