Posted by:
USN77
(
)
Date: April 30, 2015 03:43PM
I am Elohim. My friends sometimes call me “El” or “Him.” (Actually, I prefer to be called “ELO” because that’s the name of one of my favorite music groups.)
Every few centuries, give or take, I think it’s kind of fun to send out cryptic revelations to keep people guessing about where I’m coming from – as if you puny humans (no offense intended) could comprehend my grand designs even if I spelled them out for you. And now it’s time again, and where better to reveal some of my secrets than on a website frequented by people with enough honor to recognize and reject a corrupt religion when they see it. Now, if you want to feel superior to everyone else, you can say I commanded you to keep these truths sacred among yourselves and not to reveal them to the world. But if you happen to drink a little too much Pay Lay Ale some night and spill your guts, I forgive you in advance.
The truth is, Kolob has been getting a bit crowded, what with thousands of eternal companions and billions of spirit children over the aeons. Of course, the good little sheep get their own planets, but I still have to give them deeds to time shares on my home planet and, to tell the truth, the resort condos get over-booked sometimes. See, I have no problem with people who’ve been exalted for billions of years; they hardly ever come back anymore. But the newly exalted all want their 2 weeks a year and that’s becoming a problem. So…
Being the all-wise creator that I am, I devised a system to curb Kolob’s exaltation-population problem. I found out I can limit the number of souls getting exalted if I make it harder to figure out and believe my true religion. Here are just a few of my strategies:
- I gave contradictory commandments throughout the ages to keep people confused about what they really need to do to inherit eternal life.
- I called some of the most repulsive characters in history to be my chosen prophets so that people would look at them, shake their heads and think “no halfway intelligent god would choose this jerk as his spokesman.”
- I planted a bunch of dinosaur and other bones from older planets in the earth to convince curious individuals that their planet is much more than 6,000 years old, which of course it isn’t. Duh!
- I told Noah to record one set of instructions for his ark, when in fact I had him build a flying aircraft carrier similar to the one used by SHIELD in the Avengers movie, that was both big enough to carry all the animals and able to deposit different species in selected locations after the flood with no evidence of how they got there.
- Since there wasn’t enough water to cover the earth, I took a leak on the planet to destroy all life except Noah and his crew. Then I flushed when I was finished being angry with humanity and all the animals and plants. Those people pissed me off, so I pissed them off. Being all-powerful has its perks.
- I changed Laman & Lemuel’s DNA to be identical to what it would have been if Mongolians had crossed a land bridge 15,000 years ago (before the world even existed). That way, modern people would be led away from my true religion by science.
- I told my son Jesus not to have any of his sayings written down by contemporaries so there would never be a perfect record of what he taught.
- I gave revelations to Book of Mormon prophets that were almost word-for-word what would be written in the Bible so it would look like the BofM was plagiarized.
- I told my angel Satan to visit Joseph Smith and reveal himself as Nephi, Moroni, Jesus and even myself, so that Joseph would give contradictory accounts of his first vision.
- I specifically picked a superstitious convicted fraud as my prophet in the last days, and instructed him to pass on his prophetic mantle only to the most corrupt men he could find.
- Since women outnumber men so vastly in the heavens, and they have been organizing and threatening the ancient order of male domination in my realm, I told my ancient and modern prophets and apostles to teach abhorrent doctrines such as women aren’t worthy to hold my priesthood, men can have their pick of virgins and treat them as nothing more than property.
- I told my servants Joseph, Brigham and everyone else until my servant Gordon, that black-skinned people are cursed because Cain killed his brother after I rejected his vegetarian offering. But in fact, I enjoyed Cain’s vegetables so much I gave him a mark to keep people from killing him and he is still walking the earth today, even though he didn’t catch a ride on Noah’s aircraft carrier. Then I told my servant Gordon that I had never said anything about why Africans weren’t allowed to hold the priesthood. In fact, I withheld the priesthood from them so they could spend more time with their families and wouldn’t have to waste years in pointless meetings and gossip sessions. Then I realized I had been wrong because the priesthood leaders used their authority to defame people of African origin. Believe me, as soon as I found that out, I rescinded the priesthood ban. Unfortunately, given the distance between Kolob and earth, it took quite a while for my instructions to be received. And I didn’t have any angels with firey swords available to prevent abuse of Africans because they were all busy commanding old men to marry young girls in furtherance of my strategy to limit the number of women in heaven.
- Finally, I sent apologists to give the most absurd explanations for all of the contradictions and lapses that I put by design in my church and its leaders so that anyone with a shred of intellectual honesty would leave the church as soon as they found out what a fraud it was.
I now command you, my children, to form a new belief system. It must be one with no hierarchical organization and its only doctrines must be treating others as you want to be treated, pursuing truth as far as your limited intellects can find it and letting people believe whatever they choose to believe as long as it does no harm to others. See, I’ve discovered that genuine truth-seekers are a lot fewer in number than the sheep who have been crowding me out of my home on Kolob, and a lot more pleasant to be around. So I created an even better realm for you guys. Just so you won’t have to be bothered by all these boors that I have to put up with, I’m telling them your kingdom is the lowest and worst place. I even came up with a cool name: “Outer Darkness.” Sort of like the Outer Limits. The best news: although you can be with your loved ones and friends as much as you want, you don’t have to create and populate worlds without number (what a headache) or clean celestial toilets or have harems. Anyway, I won’t be visiting you too often, because my schedule on Kolob is pretty full, dealing with all these sychophants, constantly trying to get better planets or another thousand celestial teenage brides and ... oh, hell, you mind if I come and stay with you full time?