I had a "just lovely" visit (lecture) from one of my mom's "friends" from church (this person is anything but a decent person, let alone friend). My mom called her over basically to call me a worthless piece of trash because I haven't lived the life the church expects from me--even though I've made it known I want nothing to do with mormonism. I wish I could have ranted at her, but instead I did what I was conditioned to do--put on the pained smile and wait for it to be over. After she left, I went to my room and had an ugly cry, and my mom doesn't understand how I could possibly be upset about that woman's bitter, mean words. I want a restraining order.

I’m sick of being told what to do.

I’m tired of being told how to dress, or how much makeup is “too much” and that it means I’m shallow and worthless and "will never attract a decent man"

I don't want to get married just to become some breeding cow. I don't even think I want to get married at all.

I’m tired of hearing about how there must be something wrong with me because I’m single and "already 22" (that clock is ticking, you know"). I don’t like hearing that abuse victims are “damaged goods”, attention-seeking, and they should just suck it up. I refuse to believe it was my fault that my father dragged me by the hair, or held a gun to my head, or ran our family into lifelong debt (it was insinuated that this was my "problem") I was 4 years old, for Christ's sake.

I don’t want to settle for one of the worst colleges in the entire country, just because “it’s close.” I can’t stand the insistence that I should be a nurse, or go to beauty school, or that it doesn’t even matter what I study because college is for finding a husband who will pay the bills.

I like being bright and colorful, and maybe “too much” makeup is just enough for me. Calling someone else vain and insecure based solely on the presence of colored powder on their face is ridiculous.

I happen to enjoy being single, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I can’t have kids, and being told that’s all I’m good for is really hurtful.

You never really know what others go through in their lives, the circumstances, or how that affects them. Calling someone “broken” or blaming them because they’ve been hurt–often by people they depended on or trusted–is absolutely vile.

If I want to study something, I want a quality education. It does matter to me. It’s not anyone else’s decision.

If you aren’t me, don’t tell me what a disappointment I am or that I’m “wasting” my time because I’m not living up to your expectations. If you haven’t lived my life, don’t tell me what to do with it, or what I’m worth.

The woman who told me all these things doesn't even like my mom. She's just one of those assigned buddies because we've been "sticken" by the "tragedy" of divorce (freed from a wretched, abusive man) and she's been sent to set me, the evil apostate daughter, straight before I drag us all down to Hell. Oh, sorry, I mean "Outer Darkness" (because Hell isn't a spoopy enough word for mormons)

I say, you've got a remarkable head upon your shoulders!

Her husband couldn't stand being picked on anymore and skipped town. Now she's found a new victim, and it sounds like it's you.

Try to leave whenever you know she's headed your way.

I am sending you good vibes.

WE'll be here for you, 24/7.

I'm sorry that you have to listen to that drivel. I can't emphasize this enough -- you need to get out of the house. Get a job, go to school, join the military or AmeriCorps, or go find some roommates. You're 22; it's time to GO. Almost anything would be better than what you are dealing with now.

Until then, try not to take their nonsense personally. If someone is blathering away to you, just repeat back to them what they are saying. For instance, if you hear, "I think that you should do A, B, and C" then respond, "You think I should do A, B, and C." This lets the other person know that you heard her. Keep the fact that you disagree with what she is saying to yourself. In other words, listen to what others have to say but then do what you want to do.

You've got a good head on your shoulders. Mormons might think there's something wrong with being 22 and not being at least engaged, let alone married. Outside of the culture that is Mormonism, it's recognized that marriage isn't for everyone, and that many people wait until their 30's or later. Other people never get married, and that's acceptable as a choice.

Mormonism is also harsh for those who either don't want children, or who discover they're infertile because another aspect of the culture is to have babies as that's the easiest way to boost membership numbers. That's why they judge those who aren't at least engaged by the time they're 22, as the later one gets married, the fewer children they have. In my opinion, this is also why they lowered the ages for missionaries to serve, as too many Mormons who were going to college wanted to finish, and they were marrying later than the leaders wanted.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/03/2015 09:56PM by adoylelb.

YOU are intelligent and aware. You are not to blame for your family's f@ckupedness and their abuse of you. THEY are to blame for not protecting you when you were a child.

You have a future. The cultists are stuck in their pathetic fake world. You have an exit door. Wear as much MFing makeup as you want, it is your face.

Go tomorrow to a community college.

Tell them you want to start school and need financial assistance. You qualify for assistance. You may even qualify for a grant. They can start the paperwork tomorrow. Where do you want to study? Some credits will transfer but find out which ones.

Find a roommate; get out of there! It is a toxic environment.

You could even leave the country with relief work-some offer college credit or assistance upon returning. That would be great on college applications...

Fighting with your mom and cronies will get you nowhere, and quickly. You are valuable. Be brave and ask for help. Go tomorrow. You are in charge of your destiny.

^^^^ Do this. Don't delay.

I actually got out of the house for a good while. My parents were being absolutely ridiculous (father was cheating and spending all of our money, mom gripped even tighter and tried buying him back--making us kids shoulder the debt) and I couldn't handle it. I left in the middle of the day while my mom was at work and didn't turn on my phone for a week.

I only recently had to come back, and it was definitely not my favorite idea. The job I had couldn't cover the bills, I had no car, and I didn't want to live with my (now ex)boyfriend anymore. Though I'm coming to realize that living with my mom isn't a cost-effective option, either. She takes half of my earnings right off the top, claiming it's for groceries, and then buys a new handbag to show off at RS. And we never get new groceries, so I have to run to the store and spend the rest of my check on groceries for a family of 4. I've been looking into different schools, preferably that could take me out of state, and people I could stay with far away.

If it was my choice, I would leave again in the middle of the day while she's gone and she'd never hear another word. I have a cousin who went through almost the exact situation as me, she left for college and graduated a while ago, but hasn't come back for her graduation party for two years. She and her roommates are willing to give me a place to stay, but we'd have to figure out how to get me and my stuff there and what space would be mine. Honestly, that's my favorite idea because she lives really close to the school I want to go to and is one of the very few people I would feel truly comfortable living with. We are poor enough that I could go to college for free, no joke, but transportation is an issue (my mom has always liked to keep it an issue so I can't pack up and run away)

That sounds like a way out. Go, even if you have to sleep on the floor. You don't need much, really. Emergency shelters or foodbanks can provide enough food for you to get by. Get into school.

School will help you with housing, work... You just need money to get to your destination.sell something. Refuse to hand over your pay. You're an adult, not an indentured servant. Education is your ticket to freedom. Go, ASAP. You deserve a life and peace of mind. Keep us posted. You can do this!

((Hugs for bravery))

You'll make it work.

You have stared straight into the face of what you hate and will never be.

Go and be successful to spite them and use the fuel of this moment to provide the energy to see it through.

Go. Free yourself. Transportation can come later. Take the bare essentials. You'd be surprised at the stuff you don't need.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2015 11:28AM by AmIDarkNow?.

When I was 22, crying and getting upset would have been my reaction as well. I've learned not to take it personally. The person isn't worth getting upset over.

Another option, record her rant and put it on you tube. If she asks why you want to record her, tell her others might want to hear what she has to say. Label it Mormon Gestapo Lady or Why People Hate Mormons.

I feel for you. And ironically, a misleading article about Mormon tolerance is linked on a another thread here. Check it out.

Move your stuff out a little at a time,starting with important papers first.

Try boxing the rest up so it looks neat but can be accessed at a moment's notice.

After that, if you have a few hours alone in the house, either call your friends or a taxi for a quick getaway.

Here's a hug for you.

People above are right (esp Summer). This wasn't about you at all. It was about her and her church's ideas for everyone else. You do need to find a new situation.

You don't know me, but I would suggest calling the Coast Guard. They'll pay you, feed you, train you, and get you far from Utah. Then, they'll help with college. And you'll never be shot at by terrorists in a desert.

I would also find really important papers (Social security card, drivers license/state ID, Birth certificate) and get them somewhere safe, and out of the house. Losing those will complicate your life exponentially.

Good luck, and good wishes!

My roommate's girlfriend did this. Her mom had a crazy stepdad and she was one of the 9 kids. She joined the Coast Guard and they took care of school and although she didn't have a whole lot in school/military, she had freedom.

My mom uses money to try to control my siblings. One of them left the church and my mom bought her a car and paid for her school... but she had to go to church and pretend to be Mormon... Plus my mom wanted to know every aspect of her life. My mom would snoop through her belongings and freak out. She was like this with my brother as well.

I luckily was able to work and pay for school without my parents' help. The best decision I made was to get my education and get the hell out of dodge. I live a thousand miles from my parents and don't have to put up with their shenanigans. My parents have been tempting me to move back to Utah saying they'd buy me a car and a house. No way in Hell I'm biting.

I'd either go in the coast guard for a bit or see the local community college to see if you can get grants, scholarships, etc. First priority would be to get out of there though. I can't imagine how hard that would be for you.

Nobody needs to be treated like that.

On the "important papers" issue: my mother tried to control me for years by refusing to give me my birth certificate, even when I was an adult. I found the original certified copy of my birth certificate hidden among her papers after she died. I was well into my 40s by then.

If your mother tries to pull this nonsense on you, you can order every one of those documents yourself, through the agencies that issue them. They can each tell you what you need to do. It seems overwhelming, but just take one step at a time.

You don't need that toxic environment - get out as soon as you can. I like Glo's idea of smuggling out a little at a time.

Best wishes!

One of the worst colleges in the country might still be better than the MORmON post high school seminaries that pose as colleges
like BYU in its various forms...... or were you talking about one of those BYU's?

smirkorama Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One of the worst colleges in the country might
> still be better than the MORmON post high school
> seminaries that pose as colleges
> like BYU in its various forms...... or were you
> talking about one of those BYU's?


I beg to differ... I graduated from BYU's business school and was recruited to a Fortune 500 company the beginning of my senior year with a fat signing bonus and really good salary. (for a first job out of college, that is) The company only recruited from Harvard, Yale, Northwestern, UChicago, or BYU.

After going out in the real world for a while, I can't tell you how many friends I have who went to college and are up to their necks in debt or couldn't find a good job after and have student loans dangling above their heads. All of a sudden paying 2k a semester for a private school education where you have to live up to crazy rules you've already lived your whole life doesn't seem that bad, especially when you get a good job, leave, and never come back.

Since moving to the east coast, I've come to terms with the church and have no ill feelings. I'll never complain about going to BYU though. It definitely put me well ahead of many other people. I'm just glad that chapter of my life is over and I can move on with my life.

However, going to BYU doesn't mean you'll get a good job. It only does if you get one of the "good majors" and push yourself to get a job.

If you can be a robot for 4 years (which is what you've done your whole life if you're a TBM) then BYU isn't that bad. If I were this girl I DEFINITELY wouldn't go to any of the BYU's. If you can't stand TBM's and their crazy rules, you need to get of the bubble and never come back.

But also seriously, there's no need to sit there and take it.

What I try to do is head off those attacks. "Wait, I don't think this is a good idea for anyone. I'm leaving now. Goodbye."

Then walk out or hang up the phone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2015 10:10AM by Cheryl.

Sounds awful, but take heart. You'll be fine.


Anon this time Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I had a "just lovely" visit (lecture) from one of
> my mom's "friends" from church (this person is
> anything but a decent person, let alone friend).
> My mom called her over basically to call me a
> worthless piece of trash because I haven't lived
> the life the church expects from me--even though
> I've made it known I want nothing to do with
> mormonism. I wish I could have ranted at her, but
> instead I did what I was conditioned to do--put on
> the pained smile and wait for it to be over. After
> she left, I went to my room and had an ugly cry,
> and my mom doesn't understand how I could possibly
> be upset about that woman's bitter, mean words. I
> want a restraining order.
>
> I’m sick of being told what to do.
>
> I’m tired of being told how to dress, or how
> much makeup is “too much” and that it means
> I’m shallow and worthless and "will never
> attract a decent man"
>
> I don't want to get married just to become some
> breeding cow. I don't even think I want to get
> married at all.
>
> I’m tired of hearing about how there must be
> something wrong with me because I’m single and
> "already 22" (that clock is ticking, you know"). I
> don’t like hearing that abuse victims are
> “damaged goods”, attention-seeking, and they
> should just suck it up. I refuse to believe it was
> my fault that my father dragged me by the hair, or
> held a gun to my head, or ran our family into
> lifelong debt (it was insinuated that this was my
> "problem") I was 4 years old, for Christ's sake.
>
> I don’t want to settle for one of the worst
> colleges in the entire country, just because
> “it’s close.” I can’t stand the insistence
> that I should be a nurse, or go to beauty school,
> or that it doesn’t even matter what I study
> because college is for finding a husband who will
> pay the bills.
>
> I like being bright and colorful, and maybe “too
> much” makeup is just enough for me. Calling
> someone else vain and insecure based solely on the
> presence of colored powder on their face is
> ridiculous.
>
> I happen to enjoy being single, and there’s
> nothing wrong with that.
>
> Maybe I can’t have kids, and being told that’s
> all I’m good for is really hurtful.
>
> You never really know what others go through in
> their lives, the circumstances, or how that
> affects them. Calling someone “broken” or
> blaming them because they’ve been hurt–often
> by people they depended on or trusted–is
> absolutely vile.
>
> If I want to study something, I want a quality
> education. It does matter to me. It’s not anyone
> else’s decision.
>
> If you aren’t me, don’t tell me what a
> disappointment I am or that I’m “wasting” my
> time because I’m not living up to your
> expectations. If you haven’t lived my life,
> don’t tell me what to do with it, or what I’m
> worth.
>
> The woman who told me all these things doesn't
> even like my mom. She's just one of those assigned
> buddies because we've been "sticken" by the
> "tragedy" of divorce (freed from a wretched,
> abusive man) and she's been sent to set me, the
> evil apostate daughter, straight before I drag us
> all down to Hell. Oh, sorry, I mean "Outer
> Darkness" (because Hell isn't a spoopy enough word
> for mormons)

Nasty old creature...
If StalkerDog were here, he'd shred her ankles for you!

You've got some great suggestions here.

Sending you {{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You showed excellent restraint and control. Good job. Lashing back sometimes feels good but isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

The problem for me with this is these types catch you off guard and unprepared. Cowardly types depend on this because they aren't into a fair fight.

I like to have an all purpose one liner ready, like what Cheryl refers to, for times like that.

Mine is saying, "And I should take your opinion seriously, because . . . ?" which is a nice way of saying, "Who died and made you the boss?" Then look them in the eye earnestly but blankly and say no more.

That puts them on the defensive. Once they start to defend their position it's over. Just follow up with, "Yes, I was already aware of your point of view, but thank you anyway." This discounts everything they have said without getting snarky unless you want to get snarky.

No one wants to be told that what they have to say is just "yesterday's news."


Anyway, that's my go-to game plan in case it helps you at all.

I could have used it years ago.

Another observation: You are a very good writer. Your strong communications skills will serve you well in whatever field you choose. Go for it.