I wonder so often how much of my introversion would be there anyway and how much is there because of my silent traumas living Mormonism.

Perhaps I am not a people person and was never meant to be. Perhaps this is a scar from Mormonism that I will bear for the rest of my life. Perhaps this is only my disposition while I wait for my moment to break with the church and shine — I'm just being cautious around friends and family who have been hair-triggered to reject me as soon as they smell apostasy.

What would I be like without my life revolving around the church? Would I be any more outgoing? Would I have been less introverted without the church? Am I going to introvert harder than ever before after leaving? Will I make new friends and date for love, finally? Or will I use my freedom to become a recluse, retreating into quiet solitude to be left alone?

Is it foolish to think that my life could be better without the church, could have been better without the church, or that another upbringing would have treated me more sensitively? What if the words I have heard my whole life are right and all my personal struggles are just me? Is the church my one friend and I'm rejecting it? Or is it poison to my soul and I'm right to vomit it all up?

I'm only 26, but I'm so tired. Even if the church is and always was a lie, are the people my enemy? No one ever intended to hurt me. Indeed, the reason Mormonism hurt so much and I kept at it anyway was because of filial love — I could tell everyone was sincere, I believed I was blessed, I thought I was in the best company in the world, I believed I had the truth that holy men had been seeking for centuries, until at last I thought I knew the whole thing was true! But then why wasn't I happy hardly ever? I assumed like so many here on RfM that it was something wrong with me — some worthiness issue or personal flaw or another.

Am I wrong to trace a causation between my social environment and my unhappiness? Is Mormonism good for some people and bad for others or just bad for everyone? Am I right to tell someone who insists they are happy that they aren't really as happy as they think they are? — would it just be a mind game no better than that which was foisted on me? Or am I right to conclude Mormonism is a vicious system of deception and delusion?

I don't know what to do with my social connections anymore. They include family friends, extended family and church members who know my parents from their having served in many callings. Very few of them are friends that I made for myself. I have the ears of many of them whether our friendships are shallow or not. My testimony was alive and vibrant once. It might be the only thing I ever got noticed for.

Should I have a grand coming out, so to speak? Should I broadcast on my social media what I have gone through my whole life and contrast it with the things I have learned in the last year? Should I stand in scathing judgement or seek to keep what relationships I can? Or should I keep quiet and silently sink away to another corner where I can start a new life for myself? Should I be worried at all what these people think? Despite much sincerity, would it be right to rebuff all their petitions for me to stay simply because I know they aren't just asking?

My mind is racing with questions like these off and on. It seems at some point my study of the church as an unbeliever shifted from pure personal curiosity to preparation for a confrontation with my Mormon social circle. I frantically soak up everything I can to be armed against this confrontation, because I think I'm expecting some very hurtful things to be said and for many bridges to go up in marvelous towers of orange flame and black smoke.

When I think of modestly bowing out and respectfully staying silent, I think of the types of things I know will be said about me behind my back. I've seen the same people do this very thing to other people who have bowed out before me. The words are not kind; they are self-righteous and calculated to press the person to return or dismiss him and his voice if he doesn't. It makes me angry thinking that after all I have been through trying to make Mormonism work out of love and respect for these people, a day or two of chatter and a cold shoulder to follow, and I become little more than a footnote in their lives, a small detail barely mentionable except as an example to cite to their children about what happens to apostates and sinners. Even then they won't even do me the justice of fairly representing me. If this is how is goes down either way, it makes me want to make waves in their attempt to control their own perception of reality, just to spite them.

Maybe after all this wondering, there simply is no way to win with these people. Perhaps it all just boils down to that. They don't need to be terrible people: they only need be delusional people, people that will speak all manner of evil against me falsely for speaking the truth they don't want to hear. It amazes me that such a twisted institution lives and breathes in the middle of the western United States. I don't know if I will ever make complete sense of Mormonism and my time spent in it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2015 02:06PM by Cold-Dodger.

It's scary how much this sounds like something I could have written ten years ago. I can't answer your questions--only you can. Only you can decide what your relationship with the church and the people still caught in it will look like, whether that's a complete severing of communication or acceptance of their delusion or righteous indignation. Best of luck.

To me, it sounds like you're waking from a nightmare, trying to decide what small glimpses of it were drawn from real memories.

You don't have to answer these questions all at once, all right now. The answer for one relationship may well be different from the answer for others, and those discoveries will vary by person. There are exmos and nevermos on this board deeply loving and respectful of their TBM spouses.

Many of us don't know "why" we are introverts; I like to think of it as being highly selective. I was "accused" of being "too sensitive" as a child, where I now believe those accusers were selfish and abusive oafs. My mind is settled in this regard. They're either dead, or dead to me.

As I sorted through it all, sorted through the people of my history, I found that I could no longer tolerate people who re-invented their histories to make them fit their delusion of the day. If someone lies to himself so convincingly, why would I allow him to muck up my search for answers?

Your concern for others is evident, but a feature of becoming true to yourself -authentcally you - is that you let go the notion that you want or need to control how others think and feel about you. There was an earlier thread about life being too short to fold fitted sheets, and it quickly became a "how-to" fold fitted sheets.

It made me think that we are all like fitted sheets that we must fold for ourselves - or not - in our own ways. Some will look just like a flat sheet with square corners sat on the shelf, some will be left all crumpled in a basket until needed, and everywhere in between. Somedays you will be folded neatly, and some you will be wrinkled. Some days you will still need to fake being folded in a certain way, in your own self-interests. Those are some of the hardest days, in ways.

You don't have to fold anyone else's sheet, nor question why or how it is. Try to discover your ever-evolvong preferences, your limits and boundaries, and leave others to theirs.


Thank you for the sheets, SuzieQ#1.

Many years ago, I took a university course called, "Exceptional Children". I thought they were

going to discuss children with serious behavior problems, difficulties in school, and general

problems that affect these children, low I.Q., physiological abnormalities, abuse, etc.


I couldn't have been farther from the truth. The "Exceptional Children" were ones with very

high I.Q.'s and gifted children. It wasn't the giftedness they were addressing, it was the

characteristics these children often share and the life challenges they face daily. The behaviors

that these children have in common are feeling like a fish out of water, wanting to isolate themselves

dealing with social problems, having troubles fitting in, worried that they are invisible,

They are at risk of turning into hermits, and nothing gets better for them until they can

look introspectively at themselves and give themselves all the love that they deserve and need.

Forgive themselves for thinking others should be different than what they are and

for thinking there is something "Wrong" with their own personalities. From what you have said, I

suspect you may have a very high IQ. You may simply be living a normal life for you. My aunt

used to say it's better to be alone than to wish you were. There is also a huge difference between

being alone and being lonely. I can go into a church filled with 200+ people and feel lonely while

I can spend a week never seeing another human being and never feel lonely.


Start looking for your value, it's there, you just have to reach down inside yourself and pull it out.

To Cold-Dodger and IMout

One lovely soul recognizing and addressing another.

You make it sound like being an introvert is a bad thing. Look at all of the deep introspective thoughts you just posted. How many of your extrovert friends could do that, at 26 or at any age?

See, in this world someone has to bring sanity to an otherwise wild party. Your friends and family are too high on Mormon party favors to be of much use, so it falls on you. Sorry, but good luck.

Cold-Dodger, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert is born into you, it is not something you can change. Being an introvert does not mean that you are unsocial. It just means that you need peace and quiet to recharge. The best thing that I can advise you about introversion is that if this applies to you, to choose your life's work carefully. If you are an introvert you can perform a job that requires extroversion (sales, teaching large groups, etc.) but you will never be truly satisfied with it.

I've discovered something about friendships along the way. There are friendships that are largely situational and lasting friendships that evolve beyond that. Situational friendships arise and die along with the activities (school, work, clubs, church) that prompt them. Mormonism unfortunately seems strongly oriented toward situational friendships because it is so involving and demanding. Lasting friendships must move beyond whatever activity prompted them. Your friendship has to be based on more than church, more than work, etc. While both types of friendships will happen in your life, you will find lasting friendships to be far more satisfying.

I really think that once you graduate, you need to go to a completely different environment. You need to give yourself a break from Mormonism. Sometimes getting away for a good chunk of time can do wonders in terms of personal development. Think of it as being part of your time to recharge.

I think that IMout hit it on the head. I have noticed that most posters here seem to be extremely bright.

A book that you (many of you) would benefit from is "The Gifted Adult--Liberating Everyday Genius" by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen. She talks about much of the hell that gifted people face in their lives.

And, it has a really fun test.

I didn't plan to post any more on the board but I had to let you know how happy I was to

read your post about this book. I got it on my Kindle and am already reading it.

You should do a post on this. Thank you.

Wow, your post expresses exactly what I've been thinking about over the past few months, down to the very last word. I'm 20 right now and I feel utterly trapped in the middle of the church's delusional and fantasy-filled world. Everyone I know is Mormon. Every family member, every neighbor, every friend. Most people would just say to leave and start a new life. But it's not that simple, especially when you're an introvert.

I personally think that Mormonism eats away at introverts, because the church has no boundaries. I'm an extreme introvert, and I'll probably have permanent scars from prying bishops, nosy leaders, and intrusive quorum members. After being told constantly how to live my life, I found it easier just to avoid the church. That's what made me realize -- Mormon friends aren't friends at all. They will ignore you as soon as you fall away from their "elite club".

It feels like I've been emotionally beaten up by the church and its members, to the point where I'm hesitant to even strike up a conversation with someone I know. I can't help but wonder the same thing you're wondering -- would I be any more extroverted if I hadn't grown up in the church? Maybe. Maybe not. It's hard to say. But from my experience, living in the extremely judgmental environment of the church does NOT do any favors to introverts. Or anyone, for that matter.

Long story short, I can relate to everything you're feeling. I feel like a stranger around other people, and I ask myself the same questions as you every day. When and how should I come out? Should I sever all the ties I have? How can I move on and forget such a huge part of my life?

I wish I could say I've found some answers, but I'm still grasping at air for now. At the very least I can say I'm glad that we found out the truth this early, and now we can decide what to do with OUR lives instead of having them dictated by the church. Best of luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/08/2015 05:01AM by wanderer.