I'm just hurting...I recently found out my mother has been severely emotionally/verbally abusing me my whole life. I've been seeing a therapist and reading a lot of books. Today I had to talk to her on the phone and it was terrible. She is so cruel, mean, toxic. It was awful to listen to it all play out just like the books say. Now that I'm aware of what she is doing it hurts so much to see her doing that to her own daughter. anyone know if this will ever get better? Should I cut off contact? Anyone have advice or experiences to share?

It's a shock when you take the blinders off.

And after the shock wears off of realizing your mother isn't there for you, hopefully you'll be able to recognize what she is doing to you WHILE she's doing it. Then her tactics might lose some of their effectiveness. But it will always hurt because she's your mother.

My recommendation would be to have an exit strategy when she gets abusive. Tell her she can't talk to you like that. Or tell her that you are going to record the conversation (most abusers don't do it when other people are around, and don't want to look bad). Or just hang up when she starts in on you. If you see her in person, also have an exit strategy. Always have your own transportation.

Do NOT listen to the abuse. Do not defend against it (don't argue, don't explain how she's wrong, don't provide evidence she's wrong). Arguing makes it seem like you are actually considering what she is saying. It will tell her she's getting to you.

Just tell her she's being abusive [put the focus on HER behavior] and tell her you won't listen and then hang up or leave. If you let her suck you into a discussion or fight, she "wins" because she upset you and you listened to her. And when someone spews hateful stuff at you, it does damage. Even if you don't fully believe it, it degrades you and it makes you wonder, "what if she's right?". I say this, having had many long discussions with the recipient of some very bad verbal abuse. Those barbs can torture you for years, even if they are all lies. You have to protect yourself from that. No relationship is worth it.

Will it get better? SHE probably won't change. If she's a loving person, with bad relationship skills, there is a small possibility that if her behavior is pointed out, she might realize she's abusive and work on changing. But most abusers are incapable of being sympathetic to the emotional needs of others, and they don't make lasting changes.

The best way for it to get better is for you to set limitations on what you will put up with, and probably to distance yourself from her.

It's good that you are working with a therapist (hopefully someone who is very experienced with abuse, and possibly narcissism), and hopefully he/she can give you some advice, based on a thorough understanding of your situation. Done incorrectly, dealing with an abusive person can blow up in your face, especially if they are narcissistic.

I'm sorry. It really sucks when the abusive person is someone who should nurture you.

Life is too short for toxic relationships. You wouldn't put up with emotional/verbal abuse from strangers, why put up with it from family? Cut off contact and don't look back. Don't even ever let her get her foot in the door or she will kick it in your face.

Yes, that kind of thing hurts very much. I know form personal experience how bad it can be. Your mother will only get better if she seriously and deeply wants to do so herself. Please remember that if she chooses not to get better, it is *her* doing and not in any way your fault.

That being said, I'd suggest paying attention to what imaworkinonit said. My own parents, late in life, did manage to change enough to make having a relationship worthwhile. So I know that it is possible. But I also have seen that it is rare.

If your mother doesn't want to change, you may need to just let it go. At that point, Mr. Happy's advice may need to come into play. You can make a life for yourself, entirely independent of you mother. You can make your own family of friends, if you need to do so. Don't be afraid to go out on your own, if that is what it takes to help you love yourself.

Being in an abusive relationship is terrible. I also know this from personal experience. I look back on it and wonder how it could have been that I didn't see it much sooner. It took me a long time. However, I can also tell you that leaving that kind of misery can let you be free to have a wonderful life. And you should have that.

My twin is so vile that I would like to look at an AT&T map of cellular black-out areas and move to one of those.

If she wants to have a relationship with you, you can possibly retrain her to behave in a more positive manner towards you. This is accomplished by making the quick exit (via phone or personal visit) that Imaworkinonit outlines above. The minute your mom gets abusive in any way, you are out of there. If you are on the phone, say, "I've got to go! Goodbye" and hang up. If you are at her house, look at your watch in consternation and make a quick excuse before you make your quick exit. This process can take a long time to be effective, but it can work.

I might try this retraining process first. If it doesn't work, then you can cut off contact.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2015 05:26AM by summer.

I tried for 50 years. That was waaaay too long. You'd like to think that your own mother is capable of being kind to you. Apparently not. I got rid of a lot of anxiety the day I closed the door on my sick relationship with my mother. That was 11 years ago. I haven't had an anxiety attack since then.

I was forty-nine when I finally admitted the truth to myself. The narcissist parent counts on you to participate in the lie. You learn how to beat yourself up, because the assumption is that your parent cares for you. So you feel you must be doing something wrong to deserve the constant judgment and criticism.

One of the best things that's happened to me in my years of posting here is finding out that I'm not alone.

To the OP, anon4this: you are not alone.

Because I've been in your shoes, I believe it took a lot of courage on your part to share what is happening in your life with others, and I send you kudos and hugs. You have received much good advice here from other posters, and I second what they have suggested. Getting counseling and learning about emotional abuse was what helped me gain the ability to handle the situation with my mother and a sister.

Realizing that the only person you can change is yourself took me a while. Once I had some counseling sessions behind me and knew more about emotional abuse, I got the fact on one level that the only person I could change was me, but I also yearned to share what I had with my mother who I felt did not have the opportunity to have counseling like I did. I tried and tried to be the rescuer. The counselor helped me see that it was fine that I shared with my mom, but that to keep on trying was not working. It was now up to my mom. And, the same was true with my sister.

I also learned about the toxic labeling that the abused are hit with. One in particular that was hurled at me continually was that I was being 'too sensitive.' I learned that these labels are mere empty words that the abusers throw out to help them think they can control you; the abusers do not have any special insight or know what they are talking about. They just want you to think they do. As the abused you give them this power because you so want to have some kind of a relationship with them - you are yearning for attention and love which is only natural.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2015 02:43PM by presleynfactsrock.

My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive &/or just plain unavailable. She didn't know how to show or give love, or receive it.

We had a terrible relationship during my teen years. As I distanced myself in adulthood I was able to be more objective, and even forgiving of her because she was incapable of loving and nurturing. I felt sorry for her.

We actually became friends later on in our lives, and I could ask her for simple advice on what to do, and she enjoyed hearing about her grandchildren and hearing from them (we lived across the country so visiting was rare.)

Then she died too early from a life of not caring for her self needs, and self indulgence, unhealthy habits. I miss her terribly despite her shortcomings and inability to give love.

She wasn't a happy person. As her daughter I couldn't fix her. I just came to a point where I accepted her and forgave her.

If I could've picked my parents I might've picked someone else perhaps. But I still love and miss the two I was given, and don't regret the time I had with them before they passed on.

I still couldn't have lived with her. That would've been too close for comfort. But kept a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me or phaze me like when I was growing up.

First off: we all live from a place of what we know. A lot of it is habit also. We all have difficulties in life, some of them have shaped us in our adulthood. There are no fantasy parents. We get what we get. We find a healthy way to deal with them or we separate. Many times we have no idea why a parent is acting the way they are and they don't tell us the information we need about their past to figure it out either.

Without knowing what the abuse is, it's difficult to know exactly how to proceed except for one basic thing: you set the boundaries. There are many ways to do that. This is one...

That means that you let her know ahead of time what is unacceptable, and what the consequences are of not complying. For instance, for warning: if you call me ____ or say such and such _____ and anything else you want to put on the list, I am going to hang up.
You tell her that when she understands that you are not going to accept her abuse anymore; won't tolerate such talk, and can carry on a civil, pleasant conversation with, call back and we'll try it again. I love you, you're my mother, however, I cannot tolerate your verbal abuse toward me. Do you understand?

Maybe an email might be the best way to set your boundaries. Tell her exactly what she said, why it hurt you, and that you are not going to give her permission to talk to you that way again.
Then go from there.

Work with your therapist also.

My best wishes to you.

Mother daughter relationships are the most complicated. Sometimes they work very well, sometimes not very well at all.

because I called her on her hateful behavior, fought back, hid, avoided, etc. So I thought I entered adulthood pretty much ready to handle anything.

Then I would have problems with an abusive (narcissistic-to-the-max) husband, and in one of my offices, an impossible-to-please manager. These last two were unbearable.

It took my therapist DH to point out that even though, as a kid, I was able to spot my mother's malignant behavior and fight back against it, I was still hurt by the fact that she was a person I should have been able to trust, rather than an enemy to constantly be on guard against.

With my ex, I assumed that when he said "I love you," he meant it, and that I could trust him. I was wrong. Deceived again.

It has been hard to learn to trust again.