I haven't talked to my mom for months and feel great about it, but I have always felt my dad has it in him to hold a real relationship. More and more I get reminded that's not possible. He treats me and talks to me like I'm a work colleague or something.

This is just a very small example, but take a look at this email exchange and tell me if I'm nuts for thinking the last line he wrote is the most impersonal, formal, and unfeeling response or if I'm just jaded.

Me (in reply to some great landscape pictures he sent via email}:

"These [pictures] are great! That last one with the prickly-looking flowers close up is incredible - how did you get such a dark background to get that contrast?"

Dad:

"Hi XXX,

Good question. I got at an angle where the background was in deep shadow – not always an option. By the way, the flowers you ask about are Russian Thistle.

I appreciate your reply and your compliments.

Love,
Dad"

His response sounded fine to me. He answered your question and reacted to your enthusiasm. Maybe the last part was a bit formal sounding. Sometimes, though, it's hard to project warmth when you write.

I guess I would evaluate the relationship based on a lifetime of experience, rather than putting too much weight on the written word.

It's interesting to see the response of a neutral party, even if it's just one written line. I guess with my perception it comes across as extremely cold, maybe a lot moreso than it should.

My brother can be very matter-of-fact when he writes as well. I think it's the engineer in him. But I know that he loves me very much. I wouldn't read too much into it. Think positive!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2015 11:29AM by summer.

My Dad talks like that. He's just a very formal guy, but he's a very warm one as well. It's just how he talks.

Be glad it wasn't an interaction about church. My mother cannot have a phone conversation without mentioning the plan of salvation. My father is dead, but EVERYTHING revolved around Mormonism.

Be glad he has a hobby you can discuss. Let him know what you're interested in. Many older men are not very demonstrative when emotions are involved, but it doesn't mean you aren't important to him. If you live within driving distance, meet him for lunch or a hike, something to do where you can talk in person. Best wishes.

I can't imagine what the man would have said differently. You specifically asked him how he got the photo. That's a technical question demanding a technical answer. You said "prickly-looking flower," indicating you didn't know what the flower was. So he helpfully told you the name of the flower. That's not cold in my opinion, it's just a direct response to your email.

I can pour my heart out to him in an e-mail. We had a long distance relationship for quite a while, so it was one of our sources of communication. His replies were often business-like and cold. I got to a point that I'd write something and say, "Please don't reply" because his replies felt so cold.

Somehow, over 10 years later, we are still together and his e-mails are still business like. Communicating through IM, e-mail, and even phone calls was difficult and we had a lot of misunderstandings. We do very little communication through these methods any longer.

My therapist told me that communication is like 98% nonverbal.

Love,
Dad"

Sounds great to me...

I think that if you'd have wanted something of a more personal nature from your dad you might have been more successful by asking for it.

You could try something like "I really would like to see you sometime as I really miss you. Can we schedule a get together?" Or "I think about you from time to time and hope you're doing well." That way you can make more of a connection if that's what you want.

I think he meant what he wrote, and please bear in mind that not everyone is comfortable with emoticons and !!! exclamation points.

What if he had written:

____________


"Hi XXX!!

Good question! I got at an angle where the background was in deep shadow – not always an option. :/ BTW, the flowers you ask about are Russian Thistle. :)

I appreciate your reply and your compliments!

Love,
Dad"

____________


I think it's nothing more than a generation gap.

I have to say that I would fall over on the floor in shock if I received such a gushing, warm, love-filled letter like that from my dad. "I appreciate your reply and your compliments." Wow, I honestly cannot think of a single time my dad has ever said anything nearly that nice or supportive to me.

Thanks for the replies, I guess I'm the one with the problem.

No, you're not the one with the problem. You just didn't ask for what you really needed. That's not the same thing as being the problem.

You can Google for studies on the emotional connection differences between those who use emoticons, sometimes expressed as "!!!," and those who don't.

Neither of you have a problem; you were reared in a digital era, he wasn't. I was on the cusp, and sometimes cringe when I know I need to soften it with a :)

Try to imagine his voice and face when reading his mails; not just what's on the screen.