There comes a time in every man's life when he desires some pie. About a week ago, I needed some pie--apple pie to be specific! I didn't want to mess the kitchen cooking. And truly, the Boner has issues getting the apples cooked without burning the crust and making a mess of the oven. Thus, I determined to purchase a Lion House apple pie...

I avoid downtown SLC like the plague. City Creek--SHUN IT! That's my motto. Not a decent coffee shop or bookstore, why would I need to go there? But, I needed to find a place to park for the pie run on the Lion House Pantry.

After a short drive down First South I entered the parking garage. And what a magnificent garage it was! No skid marks, bright lights, and the signage--did I mention the signage? It must have cost a fortune! I avoided the corridor leading to the Horny Joe Memorial Building as I wasn't sure if it would cost extra money to park there. So, I rode the escalator up to Macy's.

I soon found myself outside in the most pleasant garden area! Beautiful, manicured, flower gardens...a stream running through the middle of the walkway, polished shiny outdoor furniture, and a passage to South Temple and the Lion House Pantry. My pie was within reach!

I passed the smiling clean-cut COB workers. The elderly women in their long skirts sat pleasantly around on benches looking to freely give help or advice. I saw the incredible flower gardens between the church administration building and marveled with awe at the flowers. My visual senses were on overload. Perhaps I was WRONG in shunning City Creek. Oh me, oh my heart! Have I been missing out on a truly enchanting experience?

I determined to rethink my avoidance of City Creek; I walked confidently into the Lion House Pantry. Out of apple pie! Oh shit, I quietly whispered--not wanting to disturb the holiness of the place. I walked across the street to the mall to find my way back to my car.

A gentleman wearing a black suit and conservative tie came toward me. I assumed he was some sort of security agent.

"Well hello, Boner!"
"Stan, is that you?"
"Hell yes! What do you think of my kingdom, Boner?"
"This is YOUR kingdom?"
"Fuck yeah! You can buy anything in my kingdom for money!"
"Anything? Can I get a beer?" I said with a smirk!
"Sure, go over into the Cheesecake Factory, you can get whatever you want to wet your whistle there."
"But Stan, I thought the Morg eschewed alcohol and worked with the state legislature to get it banned and controlled whenever possible!"
"That policy is only for monkey-spankers like YOU, Boner. Alcohol sales for making money and drawing folks to City Creek is an accepted part of The Plan of Exploitation."
"The Plan of Exploitation?"
"Exactly, take the tithes from the poor, elderly, and the widowed and turn it into a place of unbridled capitalism! I mean, look at yourself Boner. You wear boxer-briefs, T-shirts, and socks bought from Costco. You even wear Dad jeans. Spend some time here with me, and we can spend a fortune dressing you to the 9s!"
"Hey, I thought no tithing money was used to build City Creek."
"Are you really that naive, Boner?"
"Of course not, Stan; but, I only have a twenty in my wallet and have paid off my credit card debt. I refuse to charge anything whenever possible."
"Well then, you can get out of my kingdom! There's no place for the fiscally-responsible in it!"

With that, Stan disappeared. And the Boner? I headed to Costco to buy one of their apple pies determine to never visit City Creek again!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2015 08:00PM by byuboner.

was the stream overrun with algae ?

Aye, Dave, algae most foul!

A friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

Welcome back you evil bastard.

The Plan of Exploitation!!

I too avoid City Creek. Thanks for returning to report.

$9.99 buys you the biggest, bestest apple pie in the world!!!

Nice post! Even as a TBM that damn mall upset me.

Nothing like a Boner getting some pie! That lady in the expensive dress in the City Creek ads has some awesome porn back going on.

You haven't lived until you've had authentic Julian Apple Pie, made exclusively at a small bakery in the mountains of San Diego County.
We used to have to drive up to "god's country" to buy one. Unlike City Creek, Julian is a temple dedicated to nature and back-country living, not one dedicated to lining the pockets of The One True Church. It was worth the drive.

Now, bakery owners being the wise capitalists they are, the Julian Pie Co. has local distribution. I can get my Julian Apple Pie fix at a limited but accessible number of "lowland" retail outlets. They wind up being essentially one or two day old pies, and aren't quite as good, but they're better than going cold turkey.

Still...the drive up highway 76 to highway 79 winds along the base of beautiful Palomar Mountain, skirts (admittedly drought-depleted) Lake Henshaw, kisses the edge of Anza-Borrego, and winds up in the cool pines and fresh air of Julian. The pie tastes better there. And neither Stan nor The One True Church gets involved. Just me, my covertible, and a drive into the mountains.

Aw, shoot. I know where I'm going today.
Boner, can I pick you up a pie? :)

I love Julian Apple pie, and the whole vibe there-great in the fall when it isn't so hot...
(San Diego resident, four years).

The one time I went to City Creek I actually came near to having a panic attack. It seems to be a visual representation of every single penny and every last minute I wasted on being a Mormon. The non-Mormon friend I went with thought I was crazy and having a major overreaction but there you go. It wasn't like I was trying to be a drama queen - I genuinely felt like I was suffocating there. Again, because it's like the REAL Mormon temple, if you could see what the big 15 really had a testimony of. Above-mentioned-friend dragged me down to McDonalds and bought me a coffee, which helped immensely, and then we left. We were just waiting for our daughters to finish their shopping and we figured it was less stressful to wait elsewhere.

If you look closely at the materials that were used to construct City Creek Mall you will notice that top-grade building materials abound. There is no cheap, cost-cutting low grade stuff to be found anywhere.

Hie, Did you know there is a "Smith Family Train" just a bit south of the pie shops (entrance at the LDS church)?

roomwithaview Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hie, Did you know there is a "Smith Family Train"
> just a bit south of the pie shops (entrance at the
> LDS church)?

Yes...but they're not THOSE Smiths ;-)

Online negative reviews of the train ride include one from 2014 that is a "Mormon sales pitch" so I'm not sure what you mean?

Don't never plan on visiting the place and will give a middle finger salute to SLC when I fly over it in November.

Rb