My sister and her husband are both TBMs. I am on good terms with sister even though we live a thousand miles apart. We talk on the phone weekly and we never mention religion. She doesn't attend church due to health problems.

I never speak to my brother in law. He is fully active in Church and his full time employment is with the Church.

They have one child, a 38-year-old male who served a mission. He graduated from BYU and got his PhD from a respected eastern USA university. He has an excellent job and earns big bucks.

He is gay and lives with his gay "room mate." They are both completely inactive in The Church. My sister is fully aware of that situation, but her husband (my brother in law) apparently does not understand his son's sexual orientation.

I wonder if this is a stable long term situation? Of course I mind my own business, but I am concerned about my sister's long term welfare.

Any thoughts about this situation?

I'm not sure what you mean by a "stable, long-term situation," because that seems to be what you've described. If they only have one child and he's 38 it sounds like this situation has been going on for quite some time. I don't think your brother-in-law is as clueless as you think he is. His son is 38, has a male "roommate" and doesn't go to church. If he really doesn't know what's going on he's incredibly stupid!

It's good you're worried for your sister. They only problem I can see is if the father decides to make an issue over his son. It will create conflict between him and his son, and him and your sister. They'll just have to work through it. And the best thing you can do for your sister is to be supportive of her if this happens.

But like I said, this sounds like it's already a stable, long-term situation. Your brother-in-law has decided to use denial to deal with his son's life.

That's why we have the saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie."

Like Bezoar, I would say the father knows very well and would rather not deal with it openly. Denial is his best friend, maybe his only friend, and he is going to cultivate that friendship as long as he can--birthday presents included.


The father may simply believe in "changing the things you can and accepting the things you can't," as the old saying goes. Unusual for a Mormon, but, you never know.

Is what a stable long term situation? The father's apparent outward denial? The little game that your sister and her husband have to play (pretending adult son isn't gay)?

I think it's lovely that you're concerned for your sister, but I am unclear on exactly what that concern is for. I don't see how the gay son -- who lives on his own with his partner -- has any destabilizing effect on your sister's life.

The only possible destabilization I see is if her husband finally accepts his gay son and acknowledges that the roommate is a partner/husband and that's just that. That might be a rough road for a bit, but I fail to see how your sister's welfare or safety are in danger in any way.

What, specifically, are you worried might happen?

My cousin is a lesbian. We've had a few talks considering my situation. She said that when she approached her father (a stake president), he basically said he didn't want to know what she had to tell him. She was determined that day that she was going to tell him. EVERYONE knows she is lesbian. She has lived with her partner for a long, long time. They are a wonderful couple. I just love her partner.

BUT when he was in a nursing home and dying, he told her that he wanted _______ to be with them in heaven. She said that she knew that then he knew, he just couldn't voice it.

I think you need to let them deal with this in their own way. It doesn't sound like his father is preaching to his son or trying to change the way he is living his life, so why change anything. My cousin also told me that her brother refuses to face the truth and won't discuss it, so she has left it alone.

Here's my version of this story.

My first long term boyfriend and I met and eventually lived together in So Cal.

We then moved together to NY.

A year or so later we moved to Nor Cal.

Within a year we were back in So Cal.

A few years later we moved back to Nor Cal.

Then some years later we bought a place in the lower Mojave desert.

His father had visited us in most of these places.

When I left this partner and moved back to Nor Cal, he finally came out to his father.

His father FREAKED OUT.

Yelled, "why did you have to tell me this?!"

People who don't want to know that their family members are gay are usually willing and able to pretend ignorance indefinitely.

Especially Old Schoolers.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

The way that I would show support is to express an interest in the doings of your nephew and his partner whenever you talk to your sister. Give her an avenue to talk about it, because she may not have many options otherwise.

the father is employed with the church so he needs to keep up appearances in the community, at church, in his employment, with the relatives. Sounds like he's following a wise course.

OP: Could you please address this?

"I am concerned about my sister's long term welfare"

Why? What are you concerned about?

Aside from the dad's denial, I see no threat to your sister's long term welfare at all. Could you please elaborate on exactly what concerns you?

How I wish my family would be like yours, to accept other people and to not ask questions.

He is gay and lives with his gay "room mate."

When I went on a vacation with my at the time fiancee (now husband) my family asked if we shared the same hotel room.

It is so nice to see that your family can treat an adult as an adult.

My family makes assumptions very frequently and they have to gossip about everything and everyone. Needless to say I reduced the contact with them a lot, we hardly talk at all as I do not want to hear their point of viwes what could have happened.