*Random meandering, pointless rant ahead for anyone who is bored enough to read it*

My family is "cordial" and "nice" to me on a very superficial, surface level, but it's obvious they have sided with my ex who left me in the dust and took our kids with her. I know what they must think of me as the full fledged TBMs they are. They haven't verbalized it to me nor said anything offensive, but our interactions are just so hollow and platonic. Hell, they always have been for the most part, even when I was a TBM. It's just so much more magnified now that I've woken up from my sleep of TBMism.

I'm not focused at work, I hate my boss (as does everyone else who works under him) he's a condescending jackass and I got a horrible EOY review. I'm not motivated at all to change anything either. I don't care about money but I need to make it to pay child support and put away for retirement. I'm only 33 but I feel old. If I could I'd just work at a coffee shop or some dumb shit like that where I could be lazy and talk to people and listen to good music.

I have tried, really really tried to get back on the dating scene but here in SLC there's nothing. I've done all the dating apps, tried asking friends and networking, it's gotten me I think one first date this entire year. All this despite working my ass off to get in great shape, probably the best of my entire life, and looking pretty good I think. So yeah, I've pretty much given up on the whole dating possibility.

I have two friends I'm close to but mostly they moved away and started their own lives long ago.

I keep thinking I need to move but really I don't think that'd change anything. I'm not motivated to find another job or change my circumstances. I'm just done. I'm so tired and frustrated and lonely and scared and I just have little meaning left.

I have two little boys (now 6 and 2) but I can't stand being around them (oh yeah, I'm a horrible person because I don't like being around my own kids did I mention that?) because I just don't relate well with kids at all and they are fucked up with how they're being raised and have no confidence like their dad. I think my oldest reminds me of everything wrong I see in myself and it drives me crazy.

I'm not even depressed right now. I've been depressed, I know the difference. I'm in a clear state of mind. I'm just done. I've had it. The world is just a bad place right now, so much fucked up religious shit going on. SO much hatred generally. I'm sick of our culture. I'm sick of everyone accusing others and always looking for faults and weaknesses and why they're better than each other. I can't stand the competitive nature of work, hell of social life. I just want to live where people have lost their egos, set them aside at the door, and show genuine care and concern and share stories and share their thoughts and enjoy each others company.

I've spent the last couple years since being separated/divorced pursuing my passions and trying to take care of myself, but that has only gone so far.

I'm so jaded, I've come to the inevitable conclusion that we're all just selfish by nature (myself included) and there's no avoiding it. What's the point of all this if I'm miserable day after day, just trying to find something to cure my insanity on a day to day basis.

This is my nature, this is who I am. It won't change, it never has. I've always been cynical, unconfident, and generally just down on life. I am good at fooling some people but the people who see through me can tell. I'm just faking it. And faking it is really really tiresome and the payoff has been meager at best.

I love a good rant!! (but from this old Nana to you-hang in there-life has a way of working out!)

Have you thought about living in a less competitive culture, for example, Thailand? Many Americans looking for more meaningful living style have done it.

omg...to the OP:

It's ok darlin.' You've been through so much. Don't give up on yourself and DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR BABIES.

Whether you realize it or not, you have not given up on your kids. Everything will work out. Just love those babies!! Hang in there!! You are a good person.

;o)

I was a single parent raising my kids.

I remember how tough it was, and there were days I didn't know how I was going to manage. But somehow we did.

Keep your priorities straight. Your children need you. You are still very young, and have your whole life ahead of you too. You're in a tough place right now, but hopefully things will get better.

Also, you don't have to be depressed to benefit from counseling ie, therapy. Salt Lake City surely has resources there I imagine where you can pay on a sliding scale based on income so it shouldn't be costly for you to get some outside help in coping with the things that are causing you stress and anxiety.

Most of all, be patient with yourself first and foremost. Be loving and kind to you - and that should help you deal with what's going on in your world.

You might even consider going into a different field or career than the one you're in. For as young as you are, it's quite possible at your age to go back to school, and develop new interests and job skills that may lead to other employment ops than where you're currently at.

Hey exldsdude,

I remember when you first showed up at RfM (I've been a regular lurker for a long time), and I guess I want to remind you of how far you've come in that time, which can show you how much further you can go. It sounds like you're suffering right now, so I'll give you the quote I turn to in dark times: "If there is to be meaning in life at all there must be meaning in suffering." Viktor Frankl wrote that after surviving a concentration camp, and I believe him. My suffering, and surviving my suffering, has given me courage and compassion to find ways to help others when I can. Maybe finding a way to ease the pain of others could give you a purpose beyond what you have now with work and kids? Can you donate time to a charity, or volunteer with at-risk youth, something to show you the other side of humanity?

Also, as a mom I had a really hard time relating to my first child during the toddler years. My husband had to teach me to see the humor in kids' behavior and playfulness. Now our kids are growing up, I miss those times. Your kids need you now--you can teach your 6-year-old how to be kind to everyone, not just people in the ward. You can teach him to ask questions. I read tons of books about nature and science to my child of the same age. Your 2-year-old would probably love reading time, too. And conversations with kids can amaze you--they're so observant even though they don't have the words to interpret their experiences. That's where you come in; you can help those kids find the words to interpret their Mormon world, and someday they'll thank you.

Maybe none of this helps, so I'll leave it here with just one last idea from Frankl. He says it does not matter what we expect from life because everything can be taken from us; rather, what matters is what life expects from us--what unique thing can we do that can not be replaced.

Whatever your path through life, you're the only human who will ever walk it. You cannot be replaced. Stick to the road and discover what life expects from you. I'm certain it's something meaningful and worth finding.

All the best to you.

molly

Okay I am gonna be a wee bit blunt so you are free to be offended.

If you are 33 then your retirement age for Social Security is over 67. So you only have 34 more years to work. It can either be years waiting to die or you can enjoy it. Ultimately it is your choice.

The worst father is a bitter and unhappy one. Your kids are hurting from the divorce and everything nasty since then. You need find a way to get some happiness. If it takes counseling, then man up and get it. If it takes changing jobs or going back to school, suck it up and do it. Running away ain't the answer. Your troubles will follow you.

The dating scene will look a lot different if you are not subtly screaming out "damaged" goods.

In order to do this you need to stop being a victim and take control. There is always choices, you just have to have balls big enough to take the risks.

I think that people have given you some good advice here. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself.

Like others have said, your kids are going to grow up. I had a really, really hard time with toddlers. I related much better to my kids as they got older and didn't "need" me as much. As teenagers, I got along with them great. In their 20s, not so much. I actually forced myself to do things with them that they liked and I did a lot of things with them. Movies was a big one. We went to see Little Mermaid I don't know how many times once it hit the $1 movies. We saw it first full price. I took them to the park a lot and I dragged them in a sled when it snowed enough. I had a bike cart that I pulled them around in. I played games with them. I guess with a 2-year-old, that might be difficult, maybe candyland. I let them win. My therapist at the time told me to set the time for 20 minutes playing a game. I also read to them all the time. They love books now. It took effort, but it was worth it.

Now they don't want to do much with me, so I'm glad I had those times.

I was in horrible financial trouble and my ex wasn't helping me with child support or anything as I didn't divorce him, but I'm doing okay now. For 9 years, I didn't date and then my old boyfriend became available.

This is what I tell many people--don't be "looking"--just be living. Someone will come along. All the guys I could have ever ended up with including my nonmo boyfriend came along in sitautions I never thought I'd meet someone. You might be surprised.

I'm actually quite surprised I made it to the point I'm at. It has been almost 20 years (January 3rd) since my ex left me. He and I are best friends now.

Also, and this is important that many sometimes forget.
We are heading into the holiday season, and there is an engery around all of that that is palpable. It can be VERY hard to face this time of year alone.

Take some time to think of things that you may want to do that is NON-holiday, but that you know you would enjoy.

"I just want to live where people have lost their egos, set them aside at the door, and show genuine care and concern and share stories and share their thoughts and enjoy each others company." -

You have just described Shambhala Buddhism which is all about egoless-ness and compassion.

http://utah.shambhala.org/

XX

For the record: I've been in Shambhala for about 3 years. It is the polar opposite of the CULT. But, most importantly, it is about being human, not some robot.

And I did not find your rant pointless.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2015 09:34PM by Maude.

What does edited by Maude mean? My response was edited twice by Maude.

'Maude' is apparantly one of the part-time administrator assistants (who have the authority to edit postings).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2015 06:52AM by ragnar.

I'd like to cut all my ties with everyone Mormon I've ever known but my mother still feels like she's good friends with a few. These few think I'm pretty much a demon and give me the stink eye. I put up with seeing them because my mother wants to stay friends with them. One of these days I feel like moving some place that has never seen a Mormon and has no idea what one is.

I hear you. It's got to be awful having to still put up with Mormonism because it has trapped your family.

What if you stopped focusing on external "realities", and spent some quality time just being alone with yourself so you could find out what the genuine, authentic "yourself" is really like? If there are things about this person you loathe, maybe you could do some things to change this person? And you may discover that there are some wonderful things about "yourself", some things you can be proud of and approve of.

Your life is so much more than the situation or events you find yourself caught up in. You have an inner landscape, an interior self, go exploring and discover your powers!

About the "faking it" thing. You might be growing and changing, and seeing things differently--and sometimes this seems "fake."

You have had some major changes in your life! Please, do not beat yourself up! Having no self-esteem is one thing, but self loathing is a different animal. Most of us on RFM have low self-esteem; it is one of the side-effects of Mormonism.

Your bad feelings are just temporary. Don't get mad at me for telling you this, because I'm not glossing-over things. A divorce can be devastating, but people do come out of it. Usually, it takes half as long as the marriage. Even depression ends on its own, after varying amounts of time. Life is a bummer, sometimes, and there's death and illness and being alone at Christmas--but you have no support, and you feel worse.

Fight back! The Mormons deliberately and cruelly shun people for the purpose of making them so miserable that they will come crawling back to the cult! A lot of the reason you are feeling bad is that people are MAKING you feel bad! This is unacceptable.

Your boss might be unacceptable--I don't know. I have been in the business world in Utah and outside of Utah. I have seen too many bosses in Utah, who get away with treating their employees like dirt. Utah is a right-to-hire state. Utah discriminates against women. Utah businesses are full of nepotism. Well, I'll stop ranting. I'm sure that you would be more likely to find a happier work situation outside of Utah (not Idaho, not Arizona). Outside of Utah, and those two other states, you will have more of a chance of finding normal people to date. Anyway, this has been my experience.

What's wrong with being a barista? That's a great way of meeting people! Since you would like doing that, and you enjoy talking to people, you probably have a real talent for that.

Thirty-three is young! My son was wanting to give up ever finding love, or having a decent job in Utah. He went back to the U of U at age 35, and now has a wife, a child, money-making career (he doesn't love it, but he's respected) a house in a great neighborhood, and good non-Mormon friends. He still gets sad, sometimes, as do we all, but he did go through a rough patch. My son doesn't like to be around kids (or dogs) much, either, but people still like him for who he is.

Oh, and Mormons kids are easy to win over. Lighten up! Just look them in the eye, listen to them, care about them, and treat them like human beings. They don't get that at church.

Yup. Reality can suck. I have no family and to say I'm a loner is putting it mildly. When I realized that god was a farce, I felt freedom, but I also later felt loss.

I'm sorry that you can't enjoy your boys. It reads like they are nothing more than work for you. I'm sorry that you feel saddled with them, and I'm sorry for them.

Maybe you aren't as depressed as you once were, but I read numbness and anger in your vent. I think you may be in what used to be called a rut. I would also think this is a "normal" part of healing. I would like to think that this will get better, but you have to be willing to give it time.

If you're tired of feeling nothing but contempt, anger and bitterness, there is a sure cure. It's fast and you'll be amazed at how quickly you stop focusing on a gray world.

Find out where to go Right Now, and show up to deliver meals to the hungry on T-day. No, I'm not crazy. There are hundreds of people waiting to tell you how wonderful you are, but you have to do a little something to earn it. Give, THEN get.

Find out Right Now where the next habitat for humanity is being done, and go build those muscles like a real man. You aren't likely to find any asshole bosses while smashing nails, venting stress. Ego will be in short supply, but you'll run into a lot of pride. Maybe even your own.

Selfish? That's a choice. Go to where the unselfish go. You limit yourself to where the selfish are, and all you will see is selfishness.

Seriously. Do the Thanksgiving thing. You won't even feel hungry. You will be very surprised about how the world can look.

Your writing is smart. So LIVE smart.

Thanks everyone. Honesty haven't read the replies until now, I think I was scared of the blunt responses.

Something needs to change. I'm paralyzed with fear. I dunno...just wanted to say thanks mostly. You guys seem so incredibly nice.

Consider getting a dog. I'm entirely serious. Someone will be very glad to see you when you get home each day. He or she will love you unconditionally. You'll get out of the house and into the fresh air. You'll meet a whole new group of friends at the local dog park. A friendly dog is a magnet for females. The dog will serve as a bridge to your kids. I think you need something to cheer you up and a dog would be just the ticket.

Good suggestion. Problem is, the dog would be alone all day while I'm at work. :/

Talk to other people in the same situation. It's not just families with dogs. Singles have them as well.

exldsdudeinslc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What's the point of all this if I'm miserable day
> after day, just trying to find something to cure
> my insanity on a day to day basis.
>
> This is my nature, this is who I am. It won't
> change, it never has.

You have a gift Dude! Write more of this stuff and become a Salt Lake City Dostoyevsky.

Go on now... and expand this rant into a novel and call it "Diary of a Mormon Madman".

That seriously made me lol! I have read Crime and Punishment so I love the comparison! Honestly though, the comments a couple of you have made have reminded me that I have always received great feedback on my writing, academically and otherwise. I've always had a goal in the back of my mind of writing a book. I think I'm finally motivated to do something about that.