My mission was an adventure in many ways. I had never been outside of the tiny farming community where I grew up. Now, suddenly I was getting to go to a tiny country in Central America. The desperate and exciting possibilities came crashing down on me.

While on my mission, I met one missionary with whom I felt an immediate connection. We just seemed to hit it off and became instant friends.

Fast forward 10 years. I am home, temple married, children and the realization I needed to end my relationship with the church. Up until that time every waking moment, every penny had been devoted to the church. I needed a distraction to help me move away from the church and focus on something that would bring me and my family enjoyment. I decided to look at the world of horses. I had always enjoyed them from the time I could crawl and had developed my abilities to train and ride over the years. My family and I resigned from the church as our life's focus changed.

It worked and I focused on one particular, rather exotic breed, raising, training, trail riding and showing. My family all became involved and we got away from much of the interaction we had had with the church. The further away I got from the church the more clearly I could see the negative aspects of it.

My friend from the mission field contacted me. He had heard of my success with the horses and had bought into the same breed. He was excited to re-up our old friendship. I was equally pleased but I realized shortly that he was even more TBM than he had been while in the mission field where-as I was now on the other side of the pendulum. We exchanged occasional emails and I was careful to avoid discussion about the church or religion with him for about 10 years.

Then, last week, he emails me and asks for my telephone number. He is excited and wants to start visiting on the phone. From the many emails I had received from him, I knew he was pretty deep into the 'end of the world' type stuff (to which I never responded) However, now that he wanted to visit on the phone, I didn't feel comfortable thinking fast on my feet, dodging comments or hiding who I was or where I was but I did nervously acquiesce and send him my telephone number.

He called yesterday. I was busy and couldn't pick up so he left a wonderful, warm and inviting message requesting that I call him back. I thought about it for a day and then sent him this email. If you feel so inclined, please comment. I am interested to know reactions. Tnank you.

__________________________________

Good Morning XXXXX,

It was a delightful pleasure to hear your voice on the answering machine. Words don't begin to explain the uplift and enjoyment I feel by hearing your voice and sensing your upbeat attitude. Thinking of you, I burst into a chuckle and smile of my own. I do look forward to visiting with you.

Over the years I have kind of looked at life in different ways, from different angles, one might say I have looked at up upside down. Through it all, I have changed in many ways. For one thing, I don't take it too seriously anymore. Somehow, I have concluded that regardless of the topsey turvey twists and turns, the ups and downs, the passion and the lack thereof, that the sun will still come out tomorrow. The clouds will come and go and life can still be good to me, for me.

I love the (name of horse breed) because they sometimes challenge me to stretch and go places that are beautiful. Especially, they have caused me to get to know some wonderful people better. I have come to acknowledge the sanctity of the differences we each have. The trails and the show ring experiences have helped me appreciate the different abilities and attributes of each horse and especially the differences in the outlooks and perceptions of the people. I have concluded that it's okay if people disagree with how I perceive I should live my life. I am okay with how they perceive they should live their lives and the beliefs they maintain.

Having said that, I hope you can find similar sentiments at this stage of your life. I want to enjoy an ongoing open,friendship with you and as we begin to explore and share more ideas and time together, it is my desire that we can be accepting of the different points of view each of us have. I may disagree with some of your conclusions and I hope you will be okay with that and remain confident that I still love you and want to be friends with you. I am sure there will be many points of similarity in our outlooks but most likely there will be some points we do not see the same on. On those, rather than feel the need to wrestle the points to the ground when they arise, could we, with smiles on our faces, simply agree we see things differently and that we both have valid points of view? I would prefer that our friendship continue to blossom with respect and love and avoid becoming judgmental or defensive.

I am sure you may be wondering where I am going with this discussion. I am wanting to share something with you that may cause you to be a bit concerned. Please know that I am at peace in my life and that I do not want nor see the need for interventions or 'saving'. I resigned my membership in the Mormon church as I no longer want to be affiliated with it beliefs or doctrines. I enjoyed my mission very much and have wonderful fond memories of you and all the other wonderful men and women I associated with during that time. If you would like to understand more about this, I am happy and willing to discuss it but want you to know that I can be supportive and understanding of those who are still active Mormons. Also understand that my decision was not made lightly and took me many years before I came to it.

There may be differences of opinions on many subjects at this time in our lives. Please, may we commit to continuing to be friends and not allow those perspective or differences of opinion limit or disallow our friendship.

It is my plan to return your phone call (or you can call me back when you have an opportunity) today. Mornings are generally better for me and will try to talk to you around 11:00. Looking forward to our exchange. Abrazos,' El Jefe de la Banda, XXXXX

______________________________

I did place the call. No answer and left a message. I think I have my answer but time will tell.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2015 11:46PM by dejavue.

It is sad, but it is their choice and their loss. I too have met with a similar response from long-time friends. I think they just don't know what to say.

One friend took 3 or 4 months to assimilate everything and we've remained friends since, although church talk is always off-limits. The rest have stayed away.

I applaud your courage to be honest with them.

I love the honesty you shared.
Just be sure your intent is not to deconvert him.

When people are at different points in their lives, spiritually, we tend to want to have, or win, people to where we are at. When that happens, religion becomes a wedge.
When religion is a wedge, relationships often fail.

Not interested in de-converting. At one time I would have been but I have arrived at a point where I can accept individual Mormons while rejecting the church as a whole. Everyone has to figure things out at their own pace. I accept that many people may never leave the cult. It is not my place or responsibility to try and "fix" anyone. Each person is where they need to be for their own personal growth and development. However, I love hearing of their exits and journeys.

This was a great letter to your friend. I hope you can remain friends, but it is not always possible when people share such differing views. You are open minded and value the friend over his beliefs. I hope for both of you, that he can do the same.

It is their choice whether they want to continue being friends. It's just easier for them to hit the rejection switch and write you off. I never had friends in the morg; only acquaintances. Remember, it's a matter of assigned fellowship not genuine friendship.

Messygoop said it best ;
Remember : It's a matter of assigned fellowship, not genuine friendship.
This is a point of the church that is REALLY painful for me.
If you are all involved & busy in whatever calling , "friends" come falling out of the woodwork. Then , whenever you , or those "friends" get released from whatever calling it may be at the time , ya don't hear hide or frickin' hair from any of'em.
I'm sick of it all , quite frankly.
Dejavue.....I am proud of you for being so open & honest . Be at peace, Maybe your old companion has a bunch of stuff going on with the holidays. But, the next move will be up to him. Who knows.........maybe your email & your honesty will , in the future , be the one thing that'll save/help him if he ever needs someone who 'understands' . Then , the Lord will be able to bring your email and words of wisdom back to his mind & heart.

Even if your friend has issues with you leaving the church, I hope he will sense the respect and caring that you put into that letter. It may have really shaken him that you have left.

I think some of my TBM friends are genuinely shocked that over the years, I have not grown horns or split hooves - nope, I'm still me. And with most of them, I simply avoid religion and find that we still have lots of things to talk about.

I hope that your friend gets over being shocked (if that's the case) and will realize that there is more to friendship than a shared religion. You sound like a terrific person!

That is a beautiful and honest letter. That he did not respond is his loss.

Your letter was excellent. Best to get that out there so he knows. And maybe it'll just take him some time to process it all and remain friends with you. Time will tell.

Hopefully he won't be "one of those" who say, "I noticed a darkness about you." As though one minute you are a wonderful, normal person, then the next minute after learning of your disaffection, you have lost the light of Christ. It's so stupid since nothing has changed but their knowledge of your disbelief.

Once I was speaking on the phone to a friend I hadn't spoken to for a while. She asked something church-related and I answered I don't go to church anymore, I don't believe. Then, within seconds, she suddenly had to hang up. She blocked me on email too when I tried to communicate with her later. Ah, well. It smarted that I thought we were pretty good friends until that disclosure, but that has been so many others' experiences too. It wasn't a big surprise. But it felt good to be open and honest about it and letting the cards fall where they would.

It is really just a big asylum...the biggest nutters at the top trickling down their nuts to those next who are still wetting their green aprons to be a head nut dispenser....all the way down to the little nuts...united in the great plan of saving nuts like unto ourselves...i too always resented the idea that because i sat in a meeting those in attendance were friends...oh boy...ill choose my own friends thanks....one old geezer said it right...if you have true friends you can number on one hand...you are truly fortunate...id say it wont take all your fingers..and to think it all turns on some joker almost 200 years ago who missionaried a whole group of nutters....nutter can be genetic

It's a holiday prep day. And a subject that has to be dealt with carefully: I bet you didn't just dash off your email either. Waay too soon to be deciding it is rejection.

I agree. It's a busy time, and he's probably got too much on his mind to process this and respond right away. Who knows, it might have even got him questioning some things and that will take him even longer to process.

I would like to believe that you are right and that I will be hearing from my friend. However, FWIW, what spurred me to send the email was the fact that he was pushing to talk on the phone. He called both my cell phone and my land line and left messages asking that I return his call.

As I was reaching for the phone to do so it struck me that I didn't know where the conversation would lead (other than the horse talk) but I was certain that, from having received almost on a weekly basis over the past few years, emails from him tooting ultra conservative perspectives with which I did not care to discuss and did not want to engage in debate over.

At that point, I put the phone down and wrote a list of things that was benign in nature and that I thought we both would enjoy discussing. That took me about five minutes and then I realized I was most likely not going to be being able to dominate and completely direct the conversation. It took me about 5 minutes to dash off the above letter and send it to him. Impulsive, yeah, maybe.

I sat on the email for a few hours to let it settle in for me. When I was confident that I was doing this out of genuine concern for our friendship I hit the 'send' button. I was aware it was a gamble and that he might become 'unavailable' if he knew more of my beliefs and I was a might uncomfortable waiting for the 11:00 hour to roll around. When it did, I took a deep breath and dialed his number. It rang about 10 times before his answering machine kicked in and I left a message asking that he call me back 'anytime'. Nada, Ziltch - crickets.

He may just be 'busy' but my gut says he is struggling with my current status. I hope he comes around and that I hear from him. I would have a very enjoyable time talking about the horses, our families, etc..



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/26/2015 08:31PM by dejavue.

Your letter is great. It comes across as caring, loving and honest. I can't see how your friend (if he really is your friend) could have any problems with your letter itself. He might not be OK with your not being in the cult anymore, but he has to respect the manner in which you told him.

You mentioned that you got his answering machine. Please don't jump to conclusions. He might have really been not at home or busy. Wait and see if he calls you back. It sounds like you were real true friends not just mission companions so if he still feels about your friendship as you do, he will call. I hope he does.

I will be moving to horse county (Kentucky) even though I don't know much about horses. I will most likely learn more about them and I am looking forward to going to the Kentucky derby.

I think that your letter was lovely and respectful. I would try reaching out to him a few more times over the next couple of months by both phone and email. After that, it's on him.