Well, last night my wife and I had another one of our pleasant conversations involving the church, and as a result I didn't fall asleep until 5am this morning. It wasn't a heated discussion, but it just reinforced the fact that the church is a significant wedge in our relationship

One topic of our discussion was whether we would pay for our daughter to go on a mission in a couple years. I was adament that we should not for the following reasons:

1) It is optional for women in the church and does not carry the stigma that it would for our sons if they do not go on a mission.

2) I feel that our daughter would benefit more from getting her college education completed than going on a mission.

3) I recently got a new job and took a fairly significant (75%) pay cut so we wouldn't have to move. This decision was strongly influenced by considerations for my daughter (moving during her high school years, medical needs, etc.) and my wife's aversion to living internationally again. As a result, finances are a lot tighter and I don't see supporting our daughter on a mission to be a financially viable option without cutting into our investments. Since we now rely on investment income to make ends meet, cutting into those investments to fund our daughter's mission doesn't seem very judicious.

4) I know this is selfish, but I worked very hard (lots of hours and stress) to earn the money that constitutes our little nest egg. Frankly, it sickens me to think of even more of this money going to the church that continues to make my life miserable.

Given these considerations, and others, I don't think it is reasonable that we pay for our daughter to go on a mission. However, I view the money I earned as belonging to my wife as much as me - she made plenty of sacrifices so that I could work those long hours. Consequently, I don't feel that it is fair that I dictate what we can and can't spend money on. Additionally, my wife is planning on getting a full time job in a year or two to pay for my daughter's mission. While I am supportive of my wife getting a job that she finds enjoyable and rewarding, the job she plans to get does not meet those criteria. Additionally, we still have fairly young children at home, and a full time job would negatively impact our ability to support their multiple activities and fulfill their needs (to be clear, this is due to our unique circumstances and is not a judgement on women in the workforce). Again, if this were a job she would enjoy and find rewarding, I would be thrilled and totally supportive. However, it doesn't seem reasonable to me that my wife get a job she wouldn't enjoy and which would have several negative impacts on our family just to pay for our daughter's mission.

I could go on, but this post has already turned out to be much longer than I had intended. So, basic question, am I being unreasonable? Of course, I don't expect a lot of people in this audience to respond that paying for my daughter's mission would be a fantastic use of our money. However, from a relationship perspective, I do feel that maybe I should be more supportive to my wife on this issue. After all, she's still adjusting to the disappointment of being married to someone who won't be her eternal companion, and this relationship isn't easy on either of us at the moment.

That's a big dilemma!
One thing to consider...
There was one financial benefit for us. We itemized our tax returns, so the money we sent for missions was listed on our contributions to the LDS Church as we sent it through their recommended channels. That qualified as a charitable contribution deduction. Helped reduce our taxes.

How about paying for part of it?

I think that is a reasonable approach. Thanks.

Let the cult pay for their own slave labor.

Otherwise...

Why doesn't dear daughter pay for her own mission?

I think that it's unhealthy for the prospective missionary when the TRUE COST of a mission is hidden from them by the parents when they foot the bill.

Your daughter will look at and experience the mission in a totally different way if she has to finance it herself.

I see no downside to taking this position.

If you look into church archives, I'm sure that you can find plenty of quotations from LDS PROFITS extolling the benefits of missionaries earning their own money for their mission.

She's an adult. You're doing her no favors by training her to expect that mommy and daddy will pick up the tab for HER life choices.

I've seen this in my own family, where my 58year old sister still expects our 84 year old parents to take care of her, and manage her life.

It's sick and twisted.

I completely agree. I paid for a big chunk of my mission, and think my daughter should pay for at least a portion of her mission too. Of course, I'd prefer she use her money for education, but it is her money.

I'm guessing that if she had to earn her own money for her mission, when it came down to actually handing that cash over to the church, she might have other thoughts about how she wants to invest it.

But even if she does end up paying her way, she will have learned all sorts of important life lessons.

Has she articulated to you why she thinks your daughter's mission is so important that it merits the downside to the rest of the family. Is this a "Sacrifice" to prove her loyalty the church?

As finances tighten, it affects EVERONE, including other children. Have the negatives for them been considered?

My heart goes out to you. A bad spot you are in. I wish I had some brilliant advice. You are clearly trying to do right by ALL of your family. Hang in there and never let a challenge (verbal or otherwise) to your concern for and/or your devotion to your family go unanswered; especially a challenge that has no basis other than cult nonsense.

My wife is very tbm, so a mission had intrinsic value. Additionally, my wife went on a mission and thought it was a great experience, so she would like our daughters to have the same opportunity.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Going on a mission is an ADULT decision and adults need to be responsible for the results of their decisions. If your daughter wants to go, she needs to get a job now and start saving. Not her mother get a job, she needs to get a job. If she doesn't have enough when she graduates, she needs to wait and keep saving up. There are a number of upsides to this. She will learn the value of labor/money and when she does see it adding up in her own account she may make the decision to spend it on something more productive like school. If she does use it to go on a mission she will value it more as she paid for it. She will also establish some kind of work record, always a good thing. At 18 she will also be able to use that savings history to get a VERY LOW limit, pay off every month credit card. This will leave her in a much better place at the end of a mission. Instead of this being something between husband and wife it needs to be something between parents and teen.

Also I would start having serious lessons with your daughter in regard to credit and savings. And I doubt she understands your finances. Show her what comes in, what goes out. Show her credit card statements that now show how much a total would take to pay off and how much credit COSTS. Show her your mortgage and explain things like insurance and taxes on it. Educate her on anything you can re money.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/12/2015 05:56PM by Susan I/S.

Exactly -- daughter should pay. The family needs all the money it has right now for basics. Better yet, just have her go to college. Still costs money, but a more justifiable expense.

I totally agree with this. Let her pay her own way if she really wants to go.

How old is your daughter? Does she want to go on a mission because everyone at church talks about it? Or does your wife want her to go? You might have her read "Heaven Up Here" by John K. Williams. If she's really beautiful, maybe she'll get a cushy mission posting or maybe she'll ruin her health or get killed. The church won't take responsibility if something bad happens on her mission. They just want the money.

As a convert who never went on a mission and was active for only 2 years, I see a mission as a waste of money. College is a better investment. Your daughter can get an education and still promote the church if she wants to.

How much is a mission these days. I paid for all my own when I went.

Money I have toiled for is dear to me as are my causes and personal ethics.

I don't support the Mormon church. I do support and applaud education. Spending time selling a mind controlling and harmful religion is not why I've worked so hare. I wouldn't want any child of mine to think I would put such an effort into something that would harm them and their contacts.

Anyone who is mature and reasonable enough to decide on a mission is capable of earning the money for it or the church they represent can pay the costs.

You should not paying absolutely not under any circumstances.

Imagine that you are giving your hard earned money to your daughter to spread lies and make other people's lives miserable.

I mean seriously think about it. If you give money to your daughter and your supporting the spreading of these Fables, manipulation, out right lies, financial cover-up, etc. etc.

This is absolutely not a question of whether or not you love your daughter. You should be a question of whether or not you want her to waste two years of her life spreading lies.

In fact, the best thing you could do would be to discourage her from going on a mission at all. My son went, came home, beat me up within a month, and now he is two years behind his peers, and he is emotionally stunted. Oh, but he does know how to sell vacuum cleaners door to door. There is that.

There is absolutely nothing to nobody or worthwhile about going on a Mormon mission. Absolutely none.

She will be wasting two years of her life, or maybe even just a year and a half, teaching people how to be old Molique miserable and controlled by a mind numbing religious cult corporate culture of greed.

The best thing you could do for your daughter would be to be blunt, to tell her the truth, and, if she decides to do it, then do what I did and let the freaking ward support her.

Letting your daughter go out there and teach this bunch of shit to other people is not a loving thing to do at all. Not that you're her, nor to the imbeciles she might convinced to buy the proverbial vacuum.

Sorry, that reply was dictated using less than stellar voice recognition software. Forgive the obvious errors.

I agree with the points you make and almost included them in my original post. At a fundamental level, I'm not a fan of my daughter disseminating false information that can ruin relationships and lives. However, by the time she is old enough to go on a mission, I can only try to influence her decision but I can't make it for her.

If she wants to go, and you won't pay, the church will either pay for it, or not send her. Problem solved.

I can't imagine why any mormon female would go on a mission. They do the work, men take all the credit. Why would they delay their education for that?

Another option would be that she goes to school, gets a job, and pays for it herself.

If you go to church and pretend to believe, pay. If not, don't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/12/2015 07:06PM by thingsithink.

Have the morg pay for it! They're rich enough to pay for their free slave labor!

A couple years? There is time for a father to share tidbits of wisdom. Small facts here and there that spur rational thinking. Sharing admiration of a college degree. A loving father can help steer a child's path with more power than you are crediting yourself with. Liken your situation to chess, plan several moves ahead and what ifs, before the game is over.

Have her work for 6 months to a year and earn her own money for the mission. I see no down-side to this. If she decides to go, she will value it more, and if she decides not to go, she'll have her own little nest-egg. I think expecting parents to pay for it when they are financially strapped is crazy! Don't compromise your future financial security for this mormon nonsense.

Absolutely not. I would explain to your daughter in stark terms that you took a tremendous financial hit in order to benefit the family, and that there is no money for a mission. Tell her that you will gladly help her to pay for college [to whatever degree] because that will help her to gain the skills to support herself. Make sure that she is aware that even if she chooses to be a SAHM, she still needs to have the education and skills to support herself because there are no certainties in life. She could be widowed at a young age (which happened to my mom,) her husband could become unemployed or underemployed (happened to two friends of mine who are the sole support of their families,) or she could be divorced (happens more frequently than anyone could like.) Lay it all out for her, because young women need to know these things.

I would tell her that if she wants to go on a mission, to delay it until after college and to save up for it. That will buy you some breathing room with your wife. Work on your daughter, and the problem with your wife will likely solve itself. Your daughter will not want to burden the family.

Yes, this involves a degree of manipulation, but I think it's justified.

My priorities, in order, would be funding a retirement account, helping the children with college, and giving to a church - any church. That is the way DH and I planned for our future and that of our kids.

Many people give too little thought to retirement savings. Believe me, it is a gift to your children to make sure their parents are financially secure. That way, you won't have to move in with them later on lol.

I would try to negotiate about the mission - and get your daughter to postpone that goal until after college. She should get as much education under her belt as possible. I would insist on college first. I think she will thank you later.

Another consideration is planning for the rest of the children. You need to be fair. Don't offer to the first what you can't afford to provide for the others.

Finally, please let your wife decide whether she'll be employed, and how. I assume you consider the impact on the family when you make career decisions, as well as your own goals. Trust her to do the same.

A married couple needs substantial savings to live comfortably during their retirement years. If all you have is Social Security you will be living at the "poverty" level. It doesn't matter if you already paid for a son's mission. Times change.

Your daughter should go to college and get an advanced degree rather than wasting time on a mission. In today's world a BA college degree is the new high school. Earning good money out in todays job market requires an advanced degree.

My daughter has both a BA and MS degree in her chosen field and she now has a job that pays $95,000 a year. That is what your daughter needs to aim for.

Whatever happened to mormon brats working to earn money to pay for their missions. This was standard operating procedure when I went.

That probably got dropped as soon the morg changed the missionary age to 18 for everyone. So no chance of getting a job out of high school to pay for it. Or go to college.

Reason #1 is reinforcing the sexism taught by the church and I think that's plain wrong, whether it comes from you or from the church.

If you aren't going to pay for a mission for your daughter, you shouldn't pay for one for your sons. If you have already paid for your sons, you should do the same for your daughter. Personally, I wouldn't give a dime for any kid to do that kind of thing, but we do pay for college.

Missions are a significant financial undertaking.

For a female missionary -

Monthly Mission Fund -$400.00 per month x 18 months = $7200.00

Luggage, Clothing, Shoes, Accessories for mission = $1500.00

I-PAD and Bag = $450.00

Passport & Passport Photos = $165.00

Dental Work (must be complete before going) ???

Emergency Fund (when the monthly pittance runs out) $500.00

This is just the minimum, and it is already over $9,500.00.

It's in the D and C.

I think she should work and pay for her own mission if she wants to go. Also, your son(s) should do the same. Both of our sons paid for their own missions, and I think they benefitted from doing that. I also think too much is put on parents, and you never know how long you'll be around. You sound like a wise person, as far as money is concerned. Money is too easily spent, and it's wise to save and invest it wisely. Your family will be glad you hold the line on this. As for your wife, she's not smart to take a job just to support her daughter on a mission when she's got younger children. Not wise. Why do parents take so much on their shoulders when their children are young and healthy, can do it for themselves, and will grow in the process?

Offer to pay for her college.

After she gets a degree, she can decide to save her money from a job she has with a mormom friendly employer.

When she has enough money saved for the mission, ask for a leave of absence for the two years from her mormom friendly employer.