Visiting family over this last holiday nearly pushed me over the edge. I literally felt like I was back at EFY. Now that I am an exmormon it is shocking to see the extent that my family is consumed by Mormonism. It's as if they are overcome with a compulsive addiction and it's powerful. So my family knows I have left the church but family gatherings have not changed in the least. We all pray together each meal. They have each family prepare a devotional each night that we all attend. There is typically a family temple session as well as a testimony meeting towards the end of the trip. I feel that if I excuse myself from some of these activities they will assume I've gone anti-mormon on them. I feel my parents use family reunions as a means to further indoctrinate their children and grandchildren. I also feel they like to keep tabs and make sure everyone is still on board the Mormon train. I am literally the only one in my entire family who doesn't believe and I feel trapped in the story of the Emperor's New Clothes. My husband is Mormon as well so I feel that I can never escape this madness. Why the hell couldn't I have figured out this sham before I married in the temple?I feel like my life is ruined and I will forever be trapped in Mormonism. My family are incredibly judgemental elitist type people and lately I have been feeling the need to cut my ties with them for the sake of my sanity. I tried to explain to them why I left and they looked at me with confused faces like I was the crazy one. I try to tell them about church history and they assume it's Anti-material. There is no use and I have given up hope of getting through to anyone. I really really do not want Mormons in my life anymore. What can I do I feel hopeless?

Yes, you're normal to feel that way under the circumstances.

I can only hope your husband will loosen up in time as you gradually explore whatever bothers him about Mormonism. Is he sometimes frustrated by it's boredom or intrusiveness? What about the abuse of power among higher up priesthood guys? If history means nothing to the Mormon you know, you'll need to stay away from that topic unless they bring it up. Find other areas of mutual concern.

Try to start doing some other activity during church times occasionally to get a break.

Find other ways to celebrate holidays part of the time. Show up to events at times when you can miss the most hard nosed Mormon activities some of the time.

Seek out as many new friends as you can by joining clubs or interest group with no Mormon connections.

There's no easy answer for you but you can push the limits here and there to give yourself space.

Good luck.

Great advice from Cheryl.

Every little bit of distance helps. You don't have to move away, or completely dis-own your family, though at times you may want to!

Just distance yourself for part of a day, or a few hours, during your Christmas visit. You mentioned a "trip." Do you all go back to your hometown? If so, arrange to meet up with old friends, which would give you a nice diversion. If your destination is a resort, get a massage or manicure, go on a trail ride, or whatever, alone!

Married couples don't have to do absolutely everything together, to be happy. Go out to lunch with a friend, or even by yourself. Join a gym, by yourself. Take a class. My sister-in-law did that, and often used that as her excuse to not join in with family activities. Later, we found out her "class" was watching that PBS TV show, with the artist with the fuzzy hair (I can't remember his name.)

You can gain freedom in your mind. During long prayers, testimonies, and devotionals (those sound like torture!) think about something else. Make to-do lists of what you will do when you get home, think of Christmas gifts for next year, remember cute things your children said and did, rewind your favorite book or movie in your head--or just zone out.

Instead of you and your husband giving a "devotional" (ugh, that word, again), you could have an open discussion, and let everyone blab away, with you staying quiet, or lead a Christmas carol sing-along with the whole family. Serve an elaborate refreshment that takes a lot of time to fix at the last minute. Pass out napkins, stall, cut the cake or pie, slowly add topping to each individual piece, pass out folks, put ice and water into glasses, and put them on the tray--I'm the slowest kitchen staller, ever! I also help with cleanup, and entertain the children, and everything else I can think of, to avoid talking to my TBM family members.

All of this makes you feel more like you are in charge of your own life and your own thoughts and preferences. Everything helps, a little bit.

Venting here on RFM helps a whole lot!

Completely normal. I have a very loving extremely TBM family and as much as I love them, I think all the time, like often, about never seeing them again.

We are left hanging in the middle.

What helped me is that I made it abundantly clear, like hellfire and brimstone clear how I felt about the church. This gave them the chance to cut me off or take me on my own terms and not treat me like a "lost sheep who really has a testimony down deep and will eventually find their way." Sound familiar?

You won't be able to take it for much longer. It's like the old torture of the water dripping on the forehead while you are tied down.

They will never change. They will never treat you any differently than they are treating you now. You are the only one who can turn things on their head.

I feel for you. I've always been in the same boat. Worse now though even after decades because the thought that they raise their arm to the square in front of the TV during General conference to swear allegiance to those disgusting bigots has become an unbearable thought.

I don't have a great solution for you, but I can offer my company since misery loves company. :)

Don't be afraid to claim yourself. Don't be afraid to express exactly who you are in strong terms. I have never regretted doing it. I also was completely prepared to lose the family.

Completely normal and for many of us inevitable. TBM's by definition can never accept any other choice but full devotion to the LDS faith. Anything else is sinning and they must try to get you back. Their own salvation depends upon it.

For most people spending time with people who do not respect your decisions, are actively trying to change you, and are generally intolerant of any dissenting opinion on anything related to the church is not a pleasant experience.

The last family reunion my aunt planned for was totally TBM based. Pioneer day, attending church, Temple day, church movies for the kids etc. Then I got questions why I didn't even deem it necessary to respond. Yeah I did not attend this past summer. I doubt I ever will again.

You might consider cutting back on family reunions, or cutting back the time you spend there. Why not establish your own family traditions? Spend Thanksgiving or Christmas in your own home, or go on a family trip. Lots of families spend Christmas at a mountain resort. Use the money that you save to travel someplace you really want to go to. Or spend some holiday time with your husband's family if they are more agreeable. In your shoes, I would not feel compelled to go to every single holiday reunion even if your parents feel it is a command performance. You can always see family members at other times and in other ways.

Mine was not a deliberate move. I just do not have regular contact with those cousins. Their lives revolve around the cult...mine does not.

RB

Just don't go to everything. Have other plans, stay home. don't go on their temple trip for crying out loud. Use work as an excuse. Practice saying something like "Sorry I have to work in the morning and am busy, thanks though."

Yes it's normal to want to escape the madness.

Or just say "It just doesn't interest me. I think I'll take a walk and read a book. Have fun everyone."

From what I've seen with my siblings, the more TBM the sibling and their family is Yes!!! It's probably a huge part of why most of most of my siblings have cut off contact with my oldest 3 TBM brothers! This is out of 11 siblings. I'm in the middle.

The last time I heard from my TBM brothers was 3 years ago when my TBM mom passed. Then they came to Idaho for about a week to take care of stuff.I haven't heard anything since...

Yikes. It sounds like your extended family has formed their own ward. It's kind of amazing to me how clueless some people are about how to live a life apart from their religion. All or nothing seems to be mantra.

I certainly couldn't take that kind of heavy handedness. And would think that it's a natural reaction to any person who isn't of the mormon persuasion to not want to be a part of the family ward.

"Yikes. It sounds like your extended family has formed their own ward. " Hahahaha you made me laugh. Describes my family too.

Yeah, I get that. My TBM family formed their own celestial kingdom in St. George.

Further proof that I never want any part of the Celestial Kingdom. No thanks!

That is a tough situation. Once we have seen the fraud it is interesting to watch the mind control the church has. My sister took a trip to Phoenix. She rarely gets away. When she returned,her photos were of her and her family at the Phoenix temple grounds. They had only two days for vacation and Sunday was spent attending church and touring the temple grounds.
I agree with others - just attend the family activities that are not Morg related.

In small doses they are fine. Likewise, one on one visits are usually quite nice. What I can't take are the big group events where everybody seems to be in a contest to see who can out righteous everybody else.

It took several years but I'm to the point now where I just don't care. Family reunion? Have fun, I have to work. Christmas party? Sorry, can't make it this time.

It also helps that I'm old. My parents are dead so I don't have that dynamic to deal with. My older siblings no longer intimidate me at all. My wife's parents are Turbo TBM but even they leave me alone when it comes to church crap.

I agree, even my non-Mormon family on my dad's side is one I can tolerate in small doses. It's somewhat easier after my grandma died, and everyone else was able to cut off all contact with the bat crap crazy uncle, but I still only tolerate that family other than my brother in small doses.

As for the TBM's, the only reason I have them as family is that my mom married a Jack Mormon with TBM children and grandchildren. Fortunately for me, they live in Nevada or Utah, so I don't see them that often.

I agree with Kori. I think a lot of the over the top Mormon bru-ha-ha is competitive in nature. Gotta look good to the neighbors.

If they only engage in activities that are relevant to believing Mormons, then it seems natural to distance yourself. They are having religious reinforcement activities, not family activities.

If they want to include everyone, they'll need to skip indoctrination and plan inclusive activities. My little family skipped out on family testimony meetings at a couple of family reunions, and then the family stopped having those meetings. We never told them not to have them, we just didn't show up to those parts. And once, when my dad came looking for us during testimony meeting, we told him we weren't going because we aren't believers. We also talked to a sister in law during that meeting, and had a discussion about how they could better relate to their daughter who had left the church. Honesty leads to people opening up and being authentic.

I think you just opt out, and tell them that because everything is planned as if it's a church meeting, and you don't believe anymore, you aren't going to participate. If that leaves you out of the family activities, that's the way it goes. They can adapt and be inclusive, or not. But either way, you retain control of what you participate in. And, in so doing, you send a message to other people in the family that its okay to opt out.

Hey Regan, just want to say hi and that I empathize, and hope that you can find solutions.

I discovered the fraud of Mormonism at age 40, which means I pretty much wasted 20 years of my adult life, which upsets me to this day. It has been trial and error to try to figure out how much to involve TBMs. I imagine it will be tougher if you're married to one, I was not.

I first accepted invitations to their homes, but arranged to leave a little early. This was because they were not willing to accept that we were no longer interested but persisted in having Mormon-centric activities, which caused a lot of discomfort for us but they could care less, as that was their intended goal - to try to get us back into Mormonism or if that didn't work, guilt us back.

I soon saw that they wanted to engage not only me but my children in Mormon activities still, something I wanted no part of.

Over time as I realized that they were not going to accept that we weren't Mormon any longer, or allow for some flexibility in choice of activity, I stopped going altogether.

Although looking back on it now, I suppose I could have continued going but gotten vocal about what I really think about their "church" . That would have resulted in no more invitations - problem solved!

A lot depends on how super TBM they are. If they are a bit liberal and will allow for a bit of flexibility (e.g. don't get upset if you drink coffee or have a glass of wine when going out), then I'd stay in touch but if they are super controlling like mine are, who will not engage in any activity unless it's either at a Mormon building or one of their TBM homes, it has just not worked out for us. They have gone to great lengths to ensure we don't have any relationship with their children, even their adult children, so it was time to move on.

It takes a lot of courage to speak your truth--and it is tempting to lie about why you want to modify/eliminate your attendance.

I like the suggestion that you start a new family tradition--something smashing-- and replace the boring tithing-settlement style holiday.

You can have Christmas in the mountains and then promise the family you'll spend Easter with them (we all know Mormons do NOTHING about Easter but roll a few eggs in the bushes).

If your family presses you about new family traditions, tell them you are going to expose your children to holiday traditions around the world and everyone is going to dress up in native garb (which is not a bad idea if you cant afford Christmas in the mountains). Nothing repels a Mormon more than equal time/respect being given to other traditions/religions. That will snip any idea they might have of coming along!

You can even invite them to KWANZAA! HAHA


Best

Kathleen

"Nothing repels a Mormon more than equal time/respect being given to other traditions/religions."

Truest thing ever. Mormons do not like to play fair. Actually they don't even know how.

"It's as if they are overcome with a compulsive addiction"

I think the feeling of having found the ultimate truth and being on a higher plane than the rest of humanity is a compelling, though deluded, mindset that may easily become addictive. Think about the well known addictions of drug, alcohol, gambling, shopping, and sex addiction. They all transport the addict, momentarily, into a state of dopamine induced euphoria. When they are without their "drug" of choice they become agitated and anxious for their next fix. Mormonism may not seem a fair comparison but I know Mormons who become so uncomfortable when they are outside their culture zone that they refuse to ever leave the Morridor for fear of having to defend their beliefs. They just are never comfortable for any length of time without some kind of Mormon support system surrounding them. Not all Mormons are this way, of course, but many are.

Regan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What can I do I feel hopeless?

Create your own family things. This was my solution. My family is so Mormuckoned up that it is hard to have a dialogue with them without me accommodating their Mormonism and them not looking for middle ground.

I'm pondering writing a letter to let them know exactly how I feel about their religion but I haven't.

If I want to be a part of my extended family I have to play by their rules, so I'm not a part of them.

Your topic makes me think of a DIL, who found it easiest in marrying into our family which had some TBM's, to excuse herself for "whatever" and do it frequently.

One of her first observations about the TBM family members when they were getting to know her was they were so, so nice, wanting to know all about her, but she just wanted to see a mean streak in one of them to know they were normal and wanted them to come up for air in between all their questioning.

DIL also was familiar enough with Mormonism to know that these TBM's would be interested in teaching her about their faith. Previously, she had had a run-in with Mormon Missionaries in her neighborhood stalking her, finally interrupting her out walking one evening. She said she looked them up and down and said why would I want to listen to two young missionaries such as yourself who have barely left their mommies' knees to teach me about a religion that is right for me to join? You have not had the time to become knowledgeable about the subject of religion.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2016 07:28PM by presleynfactsrock.

It's normal to want to be normal.

MORmONS are NOT normal, and some of them are down right weird. When a person realizes that, then its only natural to want to get away from MORmONS, even if they happen to be your own family.

The rest of civilized humanity has developed "boundaries."
Being under continual assault by people who have no boundaries is abnormal.

Being expected to submit (happily robotically) to that manner of intrusion is abnormal.


Hardest thing is to see it, and call it.

Sounds like you're calling it.