I live in a larger city along the Wasatch front. My oldest daughter is in 6th grade at a charter school. None of her neighborhood, i.e. ward friends, go to school with her but most of her class is LDS. She has been friends with these kids ever since she got in the school 4 years ago. We stopped going to church about a year ago because we realized it was all a lie and we didn't want to live that life any more. But my daughter has never told her school friends she isn't Mormon now. The kids in the neighborhood know, because we are never at church, and they are still nice to her - I think they want her to think Mormons are nice and make her want to come to church again. She doesn't want to go back to church at all. We are attending a local evangelical church.

Also, we are still members - we don't want to resign because one of the grandparents is really, really sick and going downhill fast and we don't want to upset this person by them somehow finding out their children/grandchildren have resigned. We can wait until they have passed to resigned. So the ward members still think there is hope for us.

Anyway, my daughter really wants to tell her school friends she isn't Mormon now but I'm worried that these friends will ditch her and snub her. Only one of the friends at this school is not LDS and it's a little boy. We are moving next August and she will be going to the neighborhood junior high and making new friends. I think she should just lay low for the rest of the school year but she says she doesn't like that no one knows she doesn't believe all their Mormon stuff. It really bugs me that my daughter has to deal with this sort of religious nonsense so young - if we didn't live in Utah, no one would care about religion at age 11. I think girls at this age are pretty snotty to begin with and I don't want her last few months of school to be miserable, but I don't want to teach her to live a lie either.

Help!

That's a tough one, being as you are in heavy mormon territory. However, I've always subscribed to this quote:

"The individual has always had to struggle to resist the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
Nietzsche

Thanks for the quote, Smiling Dog.

It would have to be up to her if she feels that she's 'living a lie' by not correcting the record at this point.

Perhaps warn her that depending on the person (or their parents) she might lose a friend, they might not care at all, or she might become the new project.

I don't remember ever discussing the church or membership at school at that age, but I do remember all the lessons about bringing a non-member or non-active friend to activities.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/24/2011 04:26PM by foggy.

Shoot, I deal with stuff at 28 years old for fear of losing my LDS friends. Maybe you should tell her not to say anything unless they are bringing things up and asking her. No need to lie but just bringing stuff up will probably ruffle some feathers before she moves to that new school. I am sorry you live in Utah, the 2 years I lived there I felt like I was in some other world...

She WANTS to tell them. Explain to her what can happen, but if she wants to tell the truth, and her parents make her tell a lie, or keep the truth hidden...

I agree with this. Make sure she knows what the consequences may be, and let her decide what to do. There's only a few months of school left before she goes to a new school anyway, so if it turns out really bad, she can chalk it up to lesson learned.

I say it's none of their business.

Our boys were 11 and 7 when we officially left "the church". In our neighborhood, it didn't make any difference, probably because we had been inactive for last eight years. They still played with their Mormon friends, although one of their friend's mom made them play at their house more and more until they exclusively played at their house.

This isn't always the case, but it may be that the neighbors are still friendly because they think you're just "inactive". If you tell them you're no longer a believer their attitude towards you might change. It's hard to say.

I say just keep your religious beliefs to yourself unless you're talking to a close friend who you trust. That goes for your 6-year old daughter as well.

...are the best time for kids to be discussing very personal beliefs about religion. I refereed a discussion a few days ago between a middle-school Islamic girl and other kids who were discussing her beliefs and her faith. It was a discussion that didn't go well at all, although all the kids were well-meaning. Her feelings were extremely hurt because the other kids lacked the conversational and emotional tools to discuss her faith with her without inflicting damage.

So my advice would be for your daughter not to raise the issue at all unless asked directly, in which case she can say that she was born into the Mormon church, but that (by parental decision) her family is currently inactive.

I think that high school would be a good time for her to discuss her personal beliefs with her closest friends. JMO

at least the non-morg teens know how to find each other quite easily and some are atheists and keep that from their parents, but not each other. I would let your daughter handle it as you wishes. She may find friends that she didn't know she had.

It's not "living a lie" to keep private information private. A person might be accused of deception if they withheld information that someone else had a legitimate right to know, but it's none of her classmates' business what she believes, so she has every right to spare herself the social consequences of telling them. I think this is a perfect opportunity to teach her the value of discretion, boundaries, and privacy.

I think a lot of the damage the church does involves violating people's right to establish boundaries, to control who has access to them. It starts with bishops asking children questions about sex, and the message is clear: you have no right to protect yourself from intrusion. This is the same dynamic that is at work with abused children -- the message is that they do not have the right to protect their own bodies from harm, that other people have a right to violate them as they see fit. It's no wonder that so many abused children go on to become abused adults, or abusers themselves.

So she should learn early on that she has the right to control who has access to her, whether the situation involves touching or private information. It's probably still early enough to undo any damage the church has done.

Humans aren't nearly as fragile as they make themselves out to be.

When one is wise enough to ask the question, one is wise enough to get the answer.

Timoth

The town is about 40% mormon and their peer groups dropped them literally overnight. Developing a new set of friends is a hard thing to do, but it worked out.

If she knew what she was getting into and still wanted to do it- let it be up to her.