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Posted by: Menace2Society_88 ( )
Date: December 09, 2014 11:20PM

Hello everyone,

Firstly although cliche, thank you RfM for being here. You were all instrumental in my departure from the church, hand on heart. I needed the privacy of the internet as well as the freedom that it offered to express myself when I did, and I'm now happily out of the church going on 2 years. I am so happy I found this forum and the help it offered.

Okay, so onto my "all important" topic...ever since I left the Mormon church, I've noticed my appetite for relationships seems to have died off almost completely. *For you Utah mormons*, after my mission (I am just about 26 now), I was always frequenting church and stake dances plus firesides and devotionals (not sure what it's like outside Utah, but I could go to one every week if I wanted in Utah)...but now that I've been out of the church for 2 years, I haven't gone to so much as a hangout spot/bar/social gathering/school activity etc even once.

Now I promise I am not moping and I sure I as hell am not depressed, I am more happy than ever to be honest. I have a great job, a nice car, a house almost paid off, time for my hobbies and NO CHURCH! I'm the happiest man around, and perhaps that why relationships have seemed to lose their significance with my train of thought. I don't really see relationships as interesting or necessary, rather, I see them as an inconvenience and too much trouble for everything. However, although I am not old by any means, I am of course still single. I'm not lonely nor have I ever been lonely (I always find things to do and am happy even when no one is around), but I'm wondering if others are on the same boat as me.

Have relationships and an interest in the opposite (or same) sex diminished since you departure since you left the church? Is it normal to view relationships the way I do? After so much pressure to get married while growing up, I don't know what normal is anyone to be frank...

Thanks to anyone who replies,


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Posted by: abinadi burns nli ( )
Date: December 09, 2014 11:26PM

I don't have much advice, I just LOVE the screen name. That is awesome.

Maybe you answered your own question with the idea that since the pressure to get married is now off you can enjoy life. I'd say if you are happy who is going to argue with success?

I'm very happy that you have so much going for you! Good work, Menace.

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Posted by: snb ( )
Date: December 09, 2014 11:28PM

When I left the Mormon church I spent a lot of time and effort trying to find who I really was. I found out that I was really an extrovert and wanted friends and relationships. My interest in the opposite sex, and sex, increased quite a bit actually.

Maybe you are finding out that you are really an introvert and that is what makes you happy. There isn't anything wrong with that.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: December 09, 2014 11:50PM

I think this is more the case for women; a general rule, many exceptions. Btw, I've also heard this voiced outside MoMism...

I wish (every day) RfM had a meet/greet component.

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Posted by: madalice ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 12:10AM

As a female mormon I was under extreme pressure to get married very young. When I was barely 18, I did.

I got divorced 24 months later. I left the church. I didn't remarry until I was almost 29. I married a nevermo.

Between the age of 24 and 28 I wasn't all that interested in dating. I would go out if someone asked me, but that was about it. I'd come to the conclusion that I wasn't all that interested. I had a social life with friends and I was fine with that.

I wasn't looking for a husband when I met my second one. We met at the grocery store. When you least expect it, there it is.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/10/2014 12:11AM by madalice.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 12:16AM

Hi there Menace, thanks for sharing! I'm an older guy, in my 60s, but I remember single life from my late 20s and early 30s.

I joined the Morg, attended the Y, but did not serve a mission. I had absolutely no intention of remaining in Utah after college but ended up doing so because of a job.

The most difficult part of staying in Utah (SLC) was the social life. Although I had a masters and a good job, every TBM I dated dreamt of marrying an RM. For a long time, I was inactive, not because of disbelief (that would come later), but due to feelings of being a low-life (I masturbated).

Because I didn't attend church, the only other place I found dates was through work. I dated a lot and was set up on a lot of blind dates (remember, although I was inactive, I was still TBM).

After several years of the blind dates, etc. I decided that I was sick and tired of dating just to date. Frankly, I'd get tired of always flipping the bill only to have a couple of dates and then get the "you're my good friend" talk.

The absolute worst happened three times, with three different women, on three different occasions--we made it to the third date and she told me she got engaged the night before! How's that for being a total fucking reject! Three times!!! I vowed to only date women who showed some serious interest in me. Gradually, I began attending a singles' ward and starting meeting more people.

Without warning, Mrs. Boner came into my life. I fell ass-backwards in love and we got married in the SL Temple. Been over 30 years...unfortunately, there's not a happy ending. My eventual leaving, my wife's TBM family, and the Morg drove deep wedges into our relationship.

So, in answer to your question, is it normal not to have interest, yes! Date when you meet someone you want to get to know better Who returns your interest.

You may find that you're more comfortable dating via traditional paths--work, organizations, etc than the cutting edge, "Hey, let's hook up in a bar, got a condom with you?"

If you're more of the former, join some fun service organizations. If you're into the latter type, make sure your values are in line before making commitments. Either way, be honest with yourself and your dates with what the relationship will be.

Best wishes, Menace, I hope when you're ready, your soulmate will come into your life. Fortunately, you won't have to deal with the Morg. The Boner.

Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/10/2014 12:22AM by byuboner.

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Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 12:46AM

Was talking to my 26 year old daughter tonight who is between boyfriends, and enjoying herself. She had been probably too desperate, but now goes and socializes without catching a guy as her primary goal.

I told her its like fishing. Since you often don't catch anything, you had better like being in a boat. or wading in a stream. Just call it hiking or boating, and the fish are a bonus.

And ironically, desperate people are not as attractive, which makes them even more desperate.

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Posted by: Menace2Society_88 ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 02:56AM

Re: "Desperate people are not as attractive, which makes them more desperate..."

I think often times people get hung up on not being as physically attractive as people they admire or think of as attractive (models, movie stars, or even friends) and that gets them depressed subconsciously.

Not to brag, but this is the internet and I am anonymous thankfully, but I have always been the "hot" guy and the one girls seem to take a liking to. Thing is though, in a way I am desperate because of the exact opposite. Girls keep talking to me, asking me out, get disappointed (sometimes crying because of it), and I end up looking like the insensitive bastard or the "he must be gay" guy (which I don't mind being referred to as gay).

Seriously though, I think the grass is always greener on the other side...guys have told me they're jealous of the attention I get from the opposite sex, and I'm more than anything tired of it and just want to be left alone...

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Posted by: Menace2Society_88 ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 01:29AM

Thank you all for the replies so far, all of a sudden it's like talking to family and friends, meaning the "mormon part"...and by that I mean that since being an exmo, no one talks about Mormon stuff around me so I tend to "forget". :)

I guess I left out something very important detail though to add to my question, although the replies have helped so far. The biggest "problem" I haven't isn't finding the right one, in fact, I am friends with a lady who is quite infatuated with me whom I would picture as being a wonderful girlfriend...but when I think about having a relationship vs. simply having friends, I'd take the friends any day. I have dozens and dozens of girlfriends but am not dating/nor had the desire to date anyone, rather I want them all to stay my friends. Whenever the idea of a relationship comes along, I get turned off in the biggest way, even from the lady who desperately wants more than a friend from me.

I guess you could say, I don't believe in relationships. I used to think that there was such as thing as "the one" for me, but when I left the church after losing my belief in it, I also left my belief in relationships. I don't mean to say that it's bad or anything, but to me, it's a almost like a lure that too many people use to tinker with others, and it's this and the subsequent heartbreaks (incidental or on purpose) that I'd rather not deal with. Even with my buddy girlfriends, three of them have asked me out on personal dates and turning them down has made me feel like quite guilty because of their feelings getting hurt.

Sorry to "rant", I definitely have those feelings towards women still, but I don't want to be involved in a relationship because I am happy as is, and see relationships are messy and troublesome for the hearts involved.

Hope that made sense.

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Posted by: MexMom ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 01:57AM

You are enjoying life on your own terms! That's great and there is nothing wrong with that. I have a son a bit older than you and he is simply not into "the drama" of dealing with a 20 something girlfriends as he puts it. He's out enjoying life and doing all the outdoor activities he loves to do as much as he wants to do it without having to check in with anyone else as he puts it. Keep living life on your own terms and do what you want with your life. When you are interested in dating, you will be interested in dating, period!! Live your life just as you are. You're doing just fine.

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Posted by: Menace2Society_88 ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 02:44AM

Thank you, the way you "said" it makes sense to me and hit home. I never thought of my life being...well, mine. Haha.

I think I am still thinking there is a certain person I ought to be, and that person is definitely not someone I am right now. Your son sounds a lot like me, I am a very outdoors person (favorite place is the world is Moab) and I HATE checking up with anyone, let alone someone I am "tied to". :)

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 01:58AM

The short reply for the question about the girlfriend is that you want a genuine friendship with a terrific person who happens to be female. That's okay, I've had some wonderful platonic women friends, too!

I'm a little bit worried about your comment about not trusting or believing in relationships. I think your feelings are very typical for individuals deeply hurt (on RfM's Board generally the the Morg or hurtful people have caused injuries).

You may be the type of very independent person who doesn't desire or want deep friendships or relationships, that's okay, if it works for you. I'd encourage you to be honest with what you want with friends and relationships. And know, that your wants and needs may change with time.

At this stage in my life, my greatest joys are with my friends. They typically are not your typical white, middle class, 2.6 kids, dog, minivan family men. But there's deep trust and friendship that I never thought I would ever experience. These friendships are very deep and powerful, unlike those friends from being in bishoprics.

I hope this helps. Perhaps try reflecting about your feeling about the way important people in your life treated you when you told them about not being a part of the church. See if there's any unresolved feelings there.

Best wishes, the Boner.

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Posted by: Menace2Society_88 ( )
Date: December 10, 2014 02:49AM

Although people say I am confident and very outgoing (I am), you're right about being deeply hurt and having it affect my trust in anything (not just anyone). I have two good friends I trust with everything (been through hell and back with them and we all three left the church at different times, yet remained close friends even when falling by the wayside), so that trust I do understand. I think the romance part of relationships is what I find unnecessary, and you're right in a way, I am not willing to place ANY trust in a romantic relationship. I've not been heartbroken by any woman (I've never loved any woman), but I'm not about to find out. Emotions have only gotten me into trouble, so when something involves the biggest physical rush of emotions known to humans, I'm staying well away. It's a disaster waiting to happen in my eyes.

Thank you though for the reply, I agree with what you said and I also agree that friends can be one of the biggest supports and "pillars" if you will in one's life. Mine most definitely are, but they're both guys and my friends (both married ironically), I am the loner who is happy as is.

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