For me, it was always an "emperor's new clothes" kind of thing. I didn't feel anything, but I didn't want to admit that I was the only one not touched by the spirit. There were countless times that I convinced myself I was feeling things, when there honestly no feelings at all.
When it came to the BoM, I read it many times: as a teenager, as a missionary, as a young adult, etc. The last time, I was middle aged. Every time I gave the BoM the benefit of the doubt, and believed that this was the time I'd have the spiritual reassurance. Every time I felt nothing.
Later, when I knew the truth I would wonder why I just went along. I never felt anything out of the ordinary, so why did I keep going?
Part of the answer for me is that those I trusted most, and, everyone I knew were standing and saying that they knew the church was true.
I did too. I stood and bore my testimony and let me tell you when BKP said that a "testimony is to be found in the bearing of it" he was dead wrong. Fifty testimony bearings later I still felt nothing. Turns out BKP's phrase was just another brainwashing tool to keep you hooked in.
We went to the temple and when we finally parted all those gauzy drapes on our way to the Celestial Room, and my parents would be saying how spiritual it was and how close to God they felt and how much their understanding of all things eternal had increased from this trip to the temple. I believed they felt that way.
And my parents were good people. Honest in every way. It had to be me. So I had to keep trying to feel. I thought my mission would bring that feeling. I worked hard.
Luckily, one day I finally had an enormous overwhelming feeling. The church was a lie. That one hit me like a lightening bolt. That was the testimony I had been waiting for.
Think about this: People laid down their lives in defense of Nazism because they knew it was the Truth.
I would love to see a TV show in which believers in all the different religions and other 'isms' were hooked up to lie detectors and then the question would be asked: "Is what you believe in, and follow and preach, the Truth?"
Ideally, all the machines they were hooked up to would be showing that each respondent was 'not lying.' Oh yes, I know that each devotee and his/her fans would be saying, "Wow! Everyone else believes in his/her 'theory', but I know we're right! All the others have deluded themselves; how sad..."
I wasn't raised in a household who really "believed" in priesthood blessings except I guess in dire circumstances. The bishop (who had been asking all of us about masturbation who I consider a pervert now) blessed my 5-year-old brother after he got hit by a car and my dad felt it helped, but my dad never did blessings, etc.
But when I ran into having a gay boyfriend, I asked for blessings. I NEEDED SOMETHING. I'd fast for days and finally ask the bishop for another blessing. I didn't like to bother him, so I wouldn't ask very often. I'd do everything I could to prepare and every single time it was as though the heavens were slammed shut. I felt a stupor of thought. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Very seldom felt that much emptiness. And it happened every time.
Temple. Oh my hell. Relief that it was over.
I only bore my testimony when forced at girl's camp, etc., or when giving a lesson. Never once stood up in testimony meeting and bore my testimony. I always believed different than others and I knew it just by listening.
I've had a lot of premonitions in my life and I thought those were the spirit. My mom always thought I was her most spiritual child, BUT I still have those things happen all the time.
Your last paragraph was my problem. When I would feel something, I would think it was the spirit--WRONG. I learned (over many years and bad experiences) that emotions/feelings are not the spirit. I am not sure what the spirit feels like. But, I know that my team could win a championship and I would feel an emotional high or I would have a success in my life and I would feel an emotional high---spirit?? Of course not!!!