The question I ask myself is do I really want a relationship with my tbm family and friends?

How do I respect myself and want nothing to do with the church while at the same time respect my tbm family and friends whose entire life is Mormonism on steroids?

Maybe family and friend relationships run their course and then harmoniously fade?

My family doctor basically said that years ago after a remark telling her I grew up in the church in CA and basically left Mormonism at 18. Thank Gawd no mission or temple mindfuck experiences to brainwash me.

What do I have in common with them anymore? Our viewpoints on just about everything are different.

Thank goodness we live 800 miles in WA. Distance from tbm family and friends is what spared me,

Or is the tug on my ego wanting to show my tbm family and friends that they are wrong? Informing them via letter that the church is bullshit made up crap by a 19th century polygamist conman?

Good luck. My ExMo sister and I are pretty much estranged from our TBM family. Kind of the way it works out.

I assume you are young, deepcreek. I am not, but for decades I have been feeling like I am on the same see-saw that you describe. I want so badly to have a dialogue or write them a letter or just anything.

I have written so many letters in my mind, and a few on paper which were never sent except for one to my Area Seventy brother because he crossed a line. But the letters never were sent because they seemed like the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do all at once which left me paralyzed.

I come from the most Mormon county in Utah, which surprisingly is not Utah county, and my family was the most TBM in the county. It has always just seemed pointless to even try.

So for what it's worth, from a comrade, your post does not seem to be someone who's intentions come from a selfish ego. If that were the case you wouldn't have bothered to ask us, but just gone ahead and done.

Besides that, for what this is worth, the one letter I sent to my brother--I sat on it and rewrote it for three weeks, making sure my ego wasn't in it, as that was my fear as well. I am so glad I sent it. No response at all and no surprise there. But I felt so good for having voiced my opinion and it eased my mind.

If I were to write now, I would just ask if they had read their own church essays as I would like to just once discuss them and then leave it forever. Hmmmmnnn.

I'm in the same boat. I don't attend family reunions because they are 90% church related. The only activities that they are engaged in are church related. Their political beliefs are all fundamentally church related. All of their stories and experiences are somehow church related. Every other sentence seems to be somehow related to church.

It's like talking to a parrot of a human being not a thinking adult. The most painful part of it is you have seen behind the curtain. You know how terrible and destructive the church is because you've felt it. You can see how it breeds bigotry, mental illness, social ignorance, and destroys peoples lives.

You also know that any overt communication with them is destined to fail. They reject you as a sinner, apostate, and going to hell. Your opinions, experiences, and beliefs are worthless because of your inherent evilness. You are deceived by Lucifer and a liar like him.

It's a hopeless, no win, situation where there is nothing that you can do to help them. You do still care for them but you have to wait and hope that someday something knocks them awake. I think all of us, dream of being the ones that knock them awake, but it has to come from inside of the person. The falseness of the church is easy to find using nothing but "approved" sources. It is not complicated, all that they have to do is not be satisfied with "because the prophet said so!" to their questions of why.

So focus on the things you can do. You can be happy. You can have real friends, create a new strong loving family, and take care of others. You can live a life full of joy with a positive outlook and think for yourself. There will always be a bit of sadness for those that are lost to the cult but you can't let it control who you are. The biggest lie that church teaches is that apostates will have terrible consequences. Prove that this like everything else they teach is a lie.

I might talk to most of my family 1-2 times per year on the phone. I only talk to them when I am in a good mood and able to laugh at their foolishness. I only see them maybe once every 4-5 years nowadays. They are all strangers at this point, being so different. I've found that separation is the best way for me to live my life freely. It is also healthiest for my wife and children.

"Your opinions, experiences, and beliefs are worthless because of your inherent evilness."

That resonated deeply with me. Maybe it's just a reasonable fear, resulting from those years of bashing apostates at church.

But sometimes I wonder, or hope, that I'm assuming wrong.

Completely reasonable fear given the years of indoctrination by the church. I had a tough time with it when I first left as well. I went through a hefty studying, analyzing, and critical thinking stage about 4 years after I left that helped put it behind me.

Just to clarify, I don't doubt my conclusions that the church is false.

I just wonder if I'm making wrong assumptions about how TBMs may be judging me.

Thanks for the feedback on dealing with tbm's. It's comforting to realize others can relate to my crazy family and their obsession with everything church in their bubble lives.

It makes it kind of hard and seem hopeless considering 2 of the most brainwashed tbm's are very wealthy and can trace their Mo experience back to Nauvoo.

I don't hold my breath on them leaving the Mo cult. A few of them are poster family examples of total tbm brainwashing.

It's still at the point I don't want to deal with them in person. I like my life away from tbm mind control much better and have pretty much come to the conclusion they probably are not going to admit to being bamboozed all their lives.

Sad but more likely than not true.

This post has helped me gather various viewpoints on this situation. Before finding this site, I resigned from the church/cult and not long after, full still of the missionary Mormon zeal I had drilled into me, wrote a letter to my children sharing my new found happiness. The letter was quite benign, but I did invite them to look into both sides of the equation concerning the validity of the Mormon church. In my zestful frame of mind, I did expect most of them to do this, followed by a wonderful discussion.

Wrong. Mostly the sound was non-existent, especially from the children who were TBMs. My response to myself fluctuated from putting myself in the sewer to thinking I had done a good thing. After finding this site, I have found that others struggle with this too, which has helped me be less judgmental with myself.

Perhaps, someday, if any of my children who are TBM have a change of heart, I will find out what they thought of my letter. But, I am not holding my breath.

I guess it depends on how your family reacts to your decision to leave the church over the long haul.

At first, they are almost inevitably disappointed. But over time, my family and others have worked out a relationship where we accept each others religious decisions for what they are, and don't discuss it much.

It's not entirely satisfying, but I live out who I am without much concern with their notions of what is "appropriate."

This is a long way of saying it's possible to have a relationship that works. It won't be as fulfilling as I may wish, or they may wish. You may stay exmo, they may stay TBM--but you have other experiences in common.

It may not be a good idea to burn the bridges just yet.

A little update. I received a voicemail from my oldest tbm brother on my birthday.

It was kind of hard to listen to. Maybe I just don't want practically anything to do with Mo's of any kind anymore.

He professed his "love" for me.

That brings to mind... What is the definition of love in the batshit crazy cult members brains?

Is it really love or something else? Is love a word tbms like to hear themselves say?

Maybe he was trying.

I would try to keep some sort of relationship as long as they are kind and respectful to you, regardless of the amount of churchy stuff that you have to listen to.

"That brings to mind... What is the definition of love in the batshit crazy cult members brains?

Is it really love or something else? Is love a word tbms like to hear themselves say?"

The love in the TBM world is real it is just shallow. Unfortunately they are very indoctrinated with "If you love somebody, they must be mormon or you lose them."

It's a partial love without acceptance of who the person is. "I love you but I can't accept what you are doing." is a healthy attitude when you are the parent of a violent criminal. Mormons tend to take this attitude and place it against anyone that thinks differently than the most recent pronouncement from the GA's. This extreme level of judgmental behavior is not conductive to a healthy mature relationship.

The best way to understand it is, your brother loves you as much as he can anyone else. The mormon faith hijacks and manipulates real emotions into formulaic and controlled behavior. If you love someone, then you do _________. Fill in the blank with some church related behavior.

TBM's are very often feel like shell of human beings. They have given away their power to think and feel for themselves. Their is always the barrier of the church between any real relationship.

Write your letter if you need to but I don't recommend sending. Writing letters is therapeutic and helps to round up your thoughts so that those little mini movies in your head aren’t on continuous replay.

Think about the Allegory of the Cave. You have left the Cave. You now know what the shadows on the wall actually are and where light truly comes from. They will defend the Cave. It’s their only safe place thanks to thousands of hours of brainwashing.

You don’t have to respect the LDS beliefs of Family and friends but toleration will keep the door open for that day when one of the Cave dwellers begins to see more than shadows on the wall.

Never write these kind of letters and send them.

Letters have a way of hanging around and coming back to bite you.

I haven't seen 99% of my family for about 30 years. I don't miss them. They were nothing but pain and turmoil. Last I heard, they were still all fighting with each other. Mormonism is working for them.

Don't send your letter. It's not going to change their minds about anything.

What you can do is start to establish boundaries. You aren't interested in hearing church stuff. I would let them know that I won't participate in church related discussions and won't be badgered into church related activities.