I am going to end my relationship with my sister. I am at peace with that, however I am worried on how that will affect my Mother. She is elderly and I do want to hurt her but this is something I need to do. Looking for experiences and advice please.

I was less than three when this happened in my family...a major family split that was never reconciled in any way.

My only advice is that, if possible, you be as candid as you can be with your mother (I don't know what her present physical and/or mental state is...or whether she is being affected by dementia, Alzheimer's, strokes, etc.)...

...so that (ideally) you balance---as well as you can, and given the realities of the situation---her need to understand and to know what is going on in HER most important relationships, and the other probable multiple realities which co-exist which involve everyone else.

I am not objective on this subject: the lack of honesty in my family situation needlessly destroyed several different lives for all of the rest of those lives...and is still destroying those who were infants, or those who were yet-to-be-conceived when the original circumstances happened (prior to my own birth).

I wish you all the best...

...I have been there and done that myself, to the max.

You have my deep empathy, as well as my best wishes for the best possible outcome. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/18/2016 03:48PM by Tevai.

I've only experience from the POV of ending a relationship with both brother and mother; in-laws at that.

You have to do what is right for you, and to be blunt your mother should understand that. There are times when enough is enough, and you can take no more, and nor should anyone expect you to.

The only real question I would ask you is, if your mother is very elderly and unlikely to be here for much longer, would she prefer to see you happy and healthy without your sister, or at peace with your sister until at least after she's died. xxx

I've ended one with a brother, who's still very TBM but a stark raving mad lunatic as a passive-aggressive.

He's lied over the course of our adult lives. Not little things, but major stuff. So much so, he tried stealing my children when they were babies at a time he and his wife were infertile. Didn't happen. What did happen was he did a character assassination of me with the people I went to church with at the time. If not for my family standing behind me, don't know what might've happened.

They banded together and told him to back off. They were willing to testify in court for me if needed. It didn't come down to that, but he tried.

Years later he harbored my daughter after she ran away from college to his house thousands of miles from our home - he'd tried to get her away from me since she was a baby. And failed. By her early 20's he and her manipulated each other into doing each others bidding. It was bizarre, but I credit him with deceiving me not once, but twice, and thrice.

The third time was when our dad died. He, along with my other TBM brother and another bro all committed perjury on our father's death to claim more than their share of life insurance by stating they were his only living children. Withheld vital information from me concerning an insurance policy my dad had left in my name, and tried to extort money from me over our father's death. They were horrid, each one of them! I've gotten over that, mostly. But I will never get over how he tried to sever ties between my daughter and me.

My dad told him at a family gathering years before to leave me alone. He took my dad's advice only until my dad died. Then he sunk his teeth in for the kill. He was my baby brother. The one I used to read stories to as children to put him to sleep, and would play with him when no one else did.

He was a pyromaniac as a child. Just to give you an idea of the pent-up crazy energy he never quite learned to harness.

Today he's a stake missionary, with the same tendencies he's always had. So I don't trust him, not even one teensy little bit. Trust is something you earn once it's lost. His has been lost for a long long while now.

Don't know if this will help you or not. For me, I had no choice but to end my relationship with that brother. I cannot look him in the eye without wanting to do great harm, knowing how he contributed to my daughter's malaise during a time when I trusted him more than he merited.

He is not honest or trustworthy. He's another Mormon who hides behind his religion for personal gain.

If I could make a suggestion, without knowing the exact circumstances: there's no reason that you need to let the world know that you're cutting her off. Just start ignoring her. Ending a relationship doesn't need to be "public," so to speak.

My dad died nearly three years ago, and my sibling relationships, as well as with my step-mother, are in a shambles. I just started ignoring them all. My TBM brother and SIL are shunning us (thanks. You save me the trouble). Same with my half-sister. They're all extremely narcissistic (esp. my TBM brother), with doses of sociopathy mixed in too.

They're all fighting over my dad's estate, and each is angry because I won't get on board with their plans to hijack the trust, or steal from one to benefit another, etc. I just tell them, "send me a check when it's over." Well, by "them" I mean the one brother whom I still speak to.

Ignoring them may not be so easy when they coming after you or antagonizing you. I'd normally be the first to say "tell them to get lost," but if you're worried about your mom, then just go under the radar. Ignore this sister. Lot's of people go long periods of time without speaking to their adult siblings.

If your desire is to protect your mom's feelings, but save your sanity, just ignore this sister. If you're mom ever brings it up, just say "I've been really busy lately," or "I don't know what she's talking about." Once your mom is gone, you can stop ignoring the sister, and jettison her permanently.

I agree with this. I would not tell your mother that you are severing all ties with this person. I would just prevaricate. Create distance from your sibling. Ignore phone calls and emails. If asked, you've been busy and you must have overlooked your messages. Or tell mom that you need a good long break from this sibling. I would leave the door open in your mother's mind so that she is able to think that it might all be worked out one day -- even if you know it won't.

I agree.I've been there too and it was rough.
But I made sure I didn't involve my mother, or other siblings.

Thank you all for your input. It is helpful. I feel so conflicted. I will add some details later tonight.

My wife has a 1/2 sister who came into our lives in 1991. We got along famously but after 15 years it appeared that she was only interested in a relationship that benefited her. If she wanted something from us or for my wife to do something for her she was super friendly but shut us out of pretty much the rest of her life. So my wife told her how she felt and that if the sister wasn't interested in being a full part of our family that the relationship would end. That was 11 years ago. She's not made contact with us since and that's OK.

RB

I get why you are torn. Me and most of the people I know right now all have parents in their late eighties and early nineties and the one thing they all if in common is a need to see their kids get along, stay in contact with each other, and support each others.

In some cases the parent is half the reason the kids don't get along, but you know, old age with the grim reaper right around the corner makes you want that magic life we all saw on Father Knows Best or The Brady Bunch--a validation that you were a good parent.

With out knowing what your sister's behavior is like, I would say it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation. the other option to consider is to do what we do with clients we don't particularly like or enjoy--we act "business friendly." You keep it nice and friendly and respectful, but it is alway short and sweet and noncommittal. Business friendly.

If you end up having to deal with sister on issues like rest homes, wills, funerals or whatever, this could be in your best interest. Could be. Because only you know how much of your sister you can take.

I just recently wrote a short piece on the subject titled "Dukane's Dilemma." It's posted at Salamander Society and is closely based on real events. It is a confusing and difficult thing to go through. Uncovering deceit and manipulation by a sibling is disturbing, to say the least.

In my book one of the very hardest things in life - relationships. My opinion comes from the fact that in my youth I did not live in a healthy environment and did not grow up learning what a healthy relationship even looked like.

I think you have been given some great insight in the posts here. One other suggestion I want to add is know that most always it is possible to make changes in the future if you change your mind. Of course, in a relationship this is also very dependent on the other person involved.

I have taken the path of ending a relationship with a close relative. I had tried different ways to help solve the problem after losing sleep and tears. I suggested we go to counseling together, receiving no as the answer more than once. In my case, I hoped for a different solution, and still hope for this, but the only way I could move forward was to cut off what I felt was a toxic relationship that I honestly felt I had tried to mend. I took ownership for my mistakes and was willing to hear if the person had other issues they wanted to discuss with me.

Sometimes we have to move on, hoping for a time in the future where perhaps, time and growth, might help a solution appear where it could not in the past.

I would ask what kind of relationship you have with your mother? There are conflicted sibling relationships in my family, and our mother is older as well. But I have the kind of relationship with my mother that we can talk openly, no secrets, no enabling. A very mature relationship.

She understands why the problems exists (in our case, it has to do with mental illness). She understands the need, and it's a healthy need, for clear boundries. As long as we don't put her in the middle, she is supportive of each of our choices.

I would say, spend time contemplating the dynamics of each relationship and take that into account.

In reality, the conflicted relationships that exist in our family is such, that, well, there really ISNT a relationship. It just more of how person A is related to person B, but nothing beyond that.

My family is a real passionate lot and we have ended relationships often and then gotten back together. When
my mom was alive she wasn't thrilled but thats life, ours
not hers. Its part of being in a family and loveing each
other and being authentic human beings. Life is not like
a fifties tv show, people get angry with each other.

Everyone has to do what they think is the best at the time.

I havent had a relationship with my brother for several years. It has nothing to do with religion and the reasons are not that important. I will just say he is judgemental to the exteme. My sisters dont have much to do with him either. My mother is dead, but if she were still here, I wouldnt put her in the middle. If he were going to be included in a family activity, I would make an excuse or ignore him if I did go. I did go to a party for his grand daughter because I am close to her to her dad. There was a large group and I just talked to other people and kept my distance. We didnt exchange a single word,but there was no scene and people who were not aware there was a problem would not be likely to have noticed

Blood does not mean it's possible to have a relationship as adults. Nor is it some kind of requirement. Sometimes the animosity is too deep to mend.
It's OK. Let it go. Make some space. (I like two or three states away -- best!)

I have two sisters who may never reconcile. The younger made an accusation against the older. The older denied it, but then tried to use my dad's funeral as a way to even the score. It's ugly.

I currently am not on speaking terms with anyone in my family.
I know that they would blame me, and yet it feels to me that to heal myself I need distance and space.

They might be sociopathic,or narcissistic,and I might be selfish. They might be selfish. It's not the best way I handle thinking about it. For now I am just glad to leave people I feel obligated to be around that drain me and don't help my growth at all. I love the ability to create a community around me of people who are like minded, who inspire love and support me. I hoped it would family, because I think I am socialized to want this. For me this isn't real, times with my family are emotional and hurtful, and I usually wish I had not seen or spent time with them. That said, I have new relationships with extended aunts and cousins who I am very much like. Sometimes I find it's just easier to avoid. It's a loss and for sure it has been abandonment of those who are closest to me. When a sibling hurts,it's worse than a spouse in my view. What I am trying not to lose is my desire to connect with anyone.

Thanks again for all the responses. They are very insightful. I have made an appointment for some counselling as this has been consuming me for over a week, and there is no easy solution.

I have examined the hell out of this, and with out going into details it comes down tell Mom and risk her being hurt, or lie to her for the rest of my life. It just isn't possible to ignore my sister. I wish it was but if I do that Mom will be so confused.

I am too exhausted to add more information.

Cheers.

Good luck, Voice.

Hi Voice

Just a quick word to point out that you wouldn't have to lie to your mother for the rest of your life, just the rest of her life.

Having said that, I do understand your predicament. I have a pretty toxic sister. Both I and my brother have decided, independently, to cut all ties after my parents' deaths but I'm lucky as I live in a different country from her and only have to see her once or twice a year.

The choice of whether you end the relationship immediately or wait depends on your sister's degree of toxicity and your mother's sensitivity. Only you can judge those.

Wishing you all the best

Tom in Paris

Thanks Tom. That is a good summary of the situation. Yeah, I realized after I wrote my last message that I made a mistake about how long I have to lie for.

Perhaps you can avoid seeing your mother when your sister is there. Make excuses and see her another time

Sorry, I've got go leave, before reading the other posts, here.

I just want to warn you, that if you separate from your sister, your sister could use that against you. My brother cheated me and our other siblings out of most of our inheritance, by bad-mouthing us to our parents. My crook brother pretended to be a perfect Mormon RM, husband (my other brother didn't marry), and Holy Man. Our friends used to laugh and call him "Golden Boy." Golden Boy was a psychopath.

My siblings and I were good people, and good Mormons, but Golden Boy, being older, rose higher up in the church than we did. When he became a Bishop, it was all over. My husband left me for another woman, and my brother used that against me, brutally. He even tried to take away my house because Dad had loaned me some money to make a few payments. I quickly hired an attorney.

No--do not be the bad-guy in this.

For reasons more important than money, out of jealousy, your sister will turn your mother against you. Your sister will upset your mother, and maybe make her sick over this.

You are in a corner, and you must gain your sanity by yourself, quietly. Set up boundaries. See your mother without your sister being there. If your mother is well enough, invite her over to your own house or out to a restaurant, without your sister. Be very busy with your own life, and make good, vague excuses not to be with your sister. "I can't talk right now--I'm driving somewhere." "I'm busy, sorry." "I might be coming down with a cold." Make and keep those boundaries. With your mother, say, "I don't want to talk about my sister right now--tell me about the book you are reading...." Change the subject of your sister and your relationship. Do not let your sister force your mother to take sides.

I mentioned my husband was doing well with his cancer treatments to my elderly mother and she got really upset. Why did you tell me he had cancer again?! (She had totally forgotten). Moral of the story, don't tell really old people bad things. Life's hard enough for them as it is.

With toxic siblings it is difficult to know when and how to draw the line. Toxic siblings can be dangerous people to others financially, emotionally and possibly physically. At the same time, what is it they say? "Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer?" And there is concern about your mother. I know exactly what you speak of. My brother and sister were trying to steal from my mom the moment she began to develop dementia. Having her sign over assets to them and etc. I had to protect her dignity. My two temple attending siblings had no problem trying to con her or anyone else and be able to justify it in order to get a temple recommend. This is the scary thing about the church...I think. It can create such narcissism in its members.

We have no contact with any relatives on either side of our family. On my wife's side, they were child abusers, on my side they are TBM narcissists.

It's tough. It also makes relationships with other relatives impossible.

It never stops hurting. But we've broken the cycles of abuse and our kids will be better off eventually. I'll be the greatest grandpa ever!

I don't wish it on anyone.

I agree with those who advised that you don't have to announce that you're ending the relationship. One day, you might decide it's all right to briefly see her at family functions or maintain some sort of distant relationship. So I wouldn't make any announcements. Leave your options open; it's good to create distance from toxicity, but life is long, siblings can change their attitudes, and you might slightly shift gears at some point.

I had to create some serious distance with my brother, who left the Church long ago but failed to maintain the church-related confidences I'd requested. He was also becoming rather emotionally abusive. (He's a heavy drinker.)