So I found outbrecently that the church wasn't true. I don't really identify with the church anymore and while my dad(nevermo) will be entirely unaffected by this my mom is a different story. She is a tbm and has been nagging me constantly since I quit going to church a few months back. I love my mother very much and I don't know how to deal with that. Any advice?

My advice, presuming you are still needing mom and dad's support, is to find a way to preserve the relationships first. It's not necessary to share everything you think or know with your parents, in my view. Somethings are private. You can respect their differences and "agree to disagree" -- hopefully.

You have to let your mother know that you don't believe the church is true and why. Also let her know that you love her, but she needs to respect you and let you make your own decisions in life. Sounds tough, but you can't believe things you know are not true.

Yes I am finishing college currently so I still live with them. I hope to change it soon but my mother is such a huge tbm she has left me stuck at places because the stake relief society had some busy work for her to do. Everytime I talk to her its church this and church that. I can now see why my brother left. I don't know how to get her to stop nagging me over this issue. She breaks down and cries half the time when I even hint at the truth and I'm left sitting there unable to deal with it.

Lookingatlifewithneweyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yes I am finishing college currently so I still
> live with them. I hope to change it soon but my
> mother is such a huge tbm she has left me stuck at
> places because the stake relief society had some
> busy work for her to do. Everytime I talk to her
> its church this and church that. I can now see why
> my brother left. I don't know how to get her to
> stop nagging me over this issue. She breaks down
> and cries half the time when I even hint at the
> truth and I'm left sitting there unable to deal
> with it.

This comment is why I am going to suggest you refrain from discussing the LDS Church/religion with your mother. She has her mind set, she is likely incapable of accepting anything other than what she thinks is the only true right belief. Maybe you can get some support from your father who is not a believer.

For the sake of your relationship, I recommend you keep your religious views to yourself. She is "nagging" you because she is perceiving she is loosing control, most likely and because your brother left, and she thinks that makes her a failure in Heavenly Father's eyes, she is desperate not to let that happen to you. If you need something to back up your position, use the 11th Article of Faith...
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

There is an old saying that is still true: "You cannot reason someone out of something they did not reason themselves into."

You are experiencing the great power of faith which trumps everything else.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2016 01:03PM by SusieQ#1.

My father isn't much good for support beyond helping with my physical needs. He doesn't have any skill for the emotional side of things. That is really good advice though regarding my mother. It may come in handy as I try to figure out what I believe myself(be it Another faith or no faith). Thank you especially for your quick posts I didn't expect support so quickly. I've been reading up here for a while now and didn't have the courage to post this issue however has been bothering me. It was really jarring to me to find out the church wasn't true but the stories here kind of helped.

Lookingatlifewithneweyes
Thank you for that additional info. I happened to be on RFM when you posted and jumped right in!

Give yourself time to adjust to your evolving new World View. It's a huge undertaking as you are dismantling everything you accepted as true and creating your own views.
Be kind to yourself. You'll find support here.
Go slowly, and discard the idea that someone will listen or understand to your reasoning while they are believing by faith. The two are often like oil and water: they do not mix ! :-)
Hang in there. This is a process......

So you are almost done with college and ready to fly the nest. Once you are out it will be easier for you to live your life the way you want. While still at home I would stop talking to your mom about your disbelief and just refuse her attempts to be part of those conversations.

Come here to vent in the meantime and see if you can find a local f2f group where you can take part of the exmo community.

Since you are living at home with your parents, don't poke the bear. Speaking from experience. My older sister was a bear poker and it made home life grim. I learned my lesson from that, kept my thoughts to myself and did what I wanted to do. I also got out as soon as possible. Looking back, my way caused less grief for everyone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2016 02:08PM by annieg.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

I know but just because I can't go back its just not in me to ignore the suffering of someone I love.

I understand where you are coming from. But as a child of a manipulative and emotionally immature mother, I notice a similar patterns to what I've seen. She doesn't hesitate to push her ideas on you, causing you enough anxiety and emotional pain to post about it here.

But if you try to address the problem, she pulls crap like this: "She breaks down and cries half the time when I even hint at the truth and I'm left sitting there unable to deal with it." That's a fairly common pattern, especially with LDS moms.

Some moms want to play the controller AND the victim.

I think you have to be careful, because you live at home. But I think it's fair to tell her that if she brings it up, you'll tell her what you think. If she doesn't want to have that discussion, then she needs to back off. Tell her you have a RIGHT to your own religious beliefs.

We didn't do ourselves OR my mother any favors by tip toeing around her feelings almost her whole life. We were well trained to expect consequences if we upset her, but at some point we should have called her on it (and I did towards the end of her life).

My personal advice would be to call her out if she cries. "Wait a minute, here, Mom. You don't get to nag or dump on me emotionally and just expect me to back down because you are crying. You have a right to your feelings, but that doesn't mean I don't get to voice mine. It's time to acknowledge that this is hard for both of us, and learn to respect each other as individuals."

If you're an adult, you'll have to ignore your mom's pleas. You have a right to attend church or not it's up to you. It's time to establish boundaries with others who want to run your life.

I know I just have to have advice on how to establish those boundaries without crushing those I care for. The church caused me a lot of pain but really I'm not angry about it anymore because most of the people who caused that pain probably have their own unhappiness to deal with that TSCC is putting on them.

You are right, lookingatlife...

I love it when posters find their own answers within themselves! You have great wisdom and understanding, for someone so young!

The Mormon cult is causing your mother even more unhappiness than it is causing you. I'm glad you understand this. Your mother has been brainwashed into thinking that having a child leave the cult is the worst failure a parent can have. This statement is a blatant lie, but your mother believes this.

You are lucky to have your father in your corner!

Be kind. Pick your battles. You understand that telling your mother The Truth about the Mormon lies will not change her at all, right? Debating with her will only make her dig in her heels more, and cry more.

Put Mormonism in its place! It's a tiny, corrupt, made-up religion for the purpose of getting money out of people. You belong to the 99.9% of the population that is not Mormon, and this should not be an issue in your relationships. Your mother needs to grow up, stop being obsessed with Relief Society, and see all the other aspects of life that really do matter, such as "unconditional love." She is the one who is going to be unhappy, not you.

Do other things with her, like go out to lunch, a movie, shopping, out for a frozen yogurt, work together in the garden, walk the dog--here I go again, naming all the happy things in life that have nothing to do with Mormonism!

Maybe your personal boundaries can be un-spoken, but merely acted upon. Leave the room when your mother starts pestering you. When she corners you, you can keep repeating, softly and politely, but like a broken record, "I'm not going to church." That message can be said many different ways, and you never have to follow it up with an excuse or apology. You have freedom of religion in this country. Yes, memorize and use the 11th Article of Faith.

Be patient.

Take your time with your own beliefs, too. I was so devastated to find out that Mormonism was a hoax, that I decided to temporarily suspend my beliefs in God and Christ, until I could understand all the Joseph Smith lies. It didn't take me long to realize that JS had nothing at all to do with God or Christ. JS just used them to sell his cult. Luckily, I was a TBM who grew up practically memorizing the Bible--loved the Bible, hated the BOM--now I know why. Without Mormonism to muddy the waters, Christianity makes me happy and "uplifted." God is Love.

Even if you end up rejecting God, you will gain a new appreciation of Love, and the basic goodness of the human race. Either way, you win! I wish you love and happiness!

Oh, and don't marry a Mormon!

Just being honest and open isn't a legitimate cause for parents to crumple in a pile of tears. If they act that way, it's because their church inserted unreachable goals into their minds. The church and so the parents have expectations that can't be realized.

The only way to keep them happy would be to tell constant daily lies and give up on being happy or independent yourself. That's not a good option.

Maturing means learning to veer from the childhood construct of minding and following whatever parents say. If they're disappointed, the adult child is sorry but is able to cope well enough to stay true to their own best interests.

"Mom, I'm sorry you're unhappy, but I have this one life to live and I must make my own decisions. You did that for me when I was a kid. Now I have to take over. When you're feeling in a better mood, we might talk more, but not now. I'm going out for a run and a breath of fresh air."

You are not responsible for how your mom chooses to feel. And yes, she is choosing how she feels and reacts to your lack of interest in the church. Her feelings belong to her and you are not responsible for them. She is.

The fact of the matter is that in the process of becoming a fully autonomous adult, you will in certain respects disappoint your parents. Becoming comfortable with that is important to your maturation.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2016 01:25PM by summer.

I opted to take the highway at the ripe old age of 18. Wasn't easy the first couple of years. Was even homeless at one point. In the end it all worked out with the exception of the so-called 'relationships.' As it turned out, there never was what I would call a meaningful relationship. When you have to keep your opinions and feelings to yourself for fear of drawing a relative's ire, particularly a relative inclined to retaliate as a result, that's not a relationship. That's bulls**t.

In my experience, independence - having the means and ability to support and express yourself without giving half a hunk what other people think - is far more valuable than any supposed familial ties. Mormonism teaches that we 'choose' our parents which is why so many feel beholden to them. In truth, our parents brought us into the world without our permission or consent and are therefore responsible to give us the tools we need to successfully navigate this existence. In return, we owe them nothing.

Have to agree with Mutt. You're not responsible for your mother's happiness. You are, however, responsible for your happiness. Its your life. No one else can live it for you although some will try.

Again, I place no value on a 'relationship' that requires me to be miserable in order to make someone else happy.

Timothy

Recently I've been dating a non-lds girl who unlike what I've experienced all my life is okay with having different opinions. Honestly it blew my mind that it was okay to think differently. For my entire life it was think this way or you're wrong. While she might try to convince me she's right I've never felt pressured by her that I HAD to agree with her over every little thing. My mother, church friends, and church leaders I felt I was required to agree with or lose everything. I feel embarrassed to admit that but it was honestly how I thought. To be honest I've discovered that a lot of what I thought I believed(outside of church) wasn't what I really believed.

Its the point of this board. To recover from such nonsense.

Ain't it nice to know you're not alone?

Welcome!

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/26/2016 01:51PM by Timothy.

Ahh... You got yerself a good lady there. You can have an disagreement, argument, and she still kisses you at the end. :-) A great way to make you rethink every batshit crazy thing the LDS church has taught you. Do lots of talking with her, when your not otherwise occupied.

How much longer do you have on your degree? If it's not long just ignore it for now. Start spending less and less time at home if you can. Hang out in the library at school, or with the girlfriend. If your not around, their is no conflict with your mother. Get yer own set of wheels or look at moving out closer to school if it's more than a year.

Word of advice: Talk to your non-believing father. At least to give him a heads up that his wife is about to go off the deep end. It's his wife, let him deal with the meltdown. A simple "Hey Dad, I've decided to leave the mormon church, thought you'd like to be warned" is enough. He'll probably just swear a bit. He's been through it once before so he knows what to expect.

Please, please take SuzieQ#1's advice reread every word.

Mom will likely never change. Not your fault but you now understand where she is coming from and you can deal with it like an adult.

Thank your lucky stars you figured it out so early!

That puts you light years ahead of peers. Try to focus on that fact rather than the anger resentment and disappoint that you may feel about everything church related. Keep the relationship as open as possible letting mom know you love her. Give mom a hug now and then. If mom states any disappointment defer it by giving her a hug and saying "Oh mom, that's just the church talking, I know you love me anyway, and I love you mom." Interactions like that will go a long way.

Make a life plan to become financially independent. You will lose and gain friends and support. The new will be genuine and life five years from now will be far better than it would have been.

Congrats and good luck you lucky, lucky turkey!

She is manipulating you, using the tools available to her. And all you can do is give in because when it comes to parents, we have to "Honor thy father and they mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth..."

All you can do is bide your time and make the best of it. The more you smile, no matter what she says or does, the more you come out winning.

"This too shall pass."

I generally agree with SusieQ#1 on this one. Just don't go to church. Don't make a big deal about it. Do your thing. Don't get into it with your mother. If push comes to shove, tell her you're taking a break.

One of the bigger concerns for many in your situation is fear of being kicked out of the house. It sounds like with a nevermo father, that is not going to happen. Your best predictor for how things are going to go if you tell your mother that you are leaving the Mormon Church is whatever happened with your brother.

You are just delaying the inevitable with regard to how she is going to react, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You can decide when you are ready for a conversation like that, if ever.

You are so concerned about how your mother feels. But how concerned is she about how YOU are feeling?

...and work out an alternate mode of transportation, for those times when mom is putting church first.

Ask your dad or a friend, or, ask dad if he could help you out with a car. Start asking him for rides ... that can help. ;)

Btw, others are correct, here. "You" are not going to "crush" your mom. The lies of LDS have already done that. It's up to you to keep yourself from being crushed by that same weight, being pushed onto you.

Oh I have a car now and this happened when I was a teenager.

Um, yeah, when you are supposedly an adult, and have children, you are supposed to be happy when they are doing what makes them happy. Otherwise, the parent is the child.

Maybe it's time your mom grew up.

It helps to know people act that way out of fear. People join the church for support and comfort, and they have to attack anything that threatens that.

Too bad a mom is willing to sacrifice their child to feel safe.

I'm in my 50's and my 93 year old mom was recently bugging me to come back to church. I asked her what was more important to her - me being in church, or me being happy?

She replied that church would make me happy, and then I gave her a list of things I think should make her happy, like milking a cow, and driving a tractor - you know, the stuff I like.

We are all different, and even Mormon doctrine states we should have free agency, and Satan wants to force us to conform.

Tell your mom that pressuring you to activity is part of Satan's plan.

Work towards your own economic independence as soon as possible. That is the most important thing you can do for yourself regardless of who and what your parents are. Your job now is to define who your are as an adult - doing this with freedom and space will set the foundation for the next decade at least. Teach them as soon as possible that you are your own person. Establish VERY firm boundaries and keep them.

For a different perspective, I raised both of my kids in a Protestant faith. My older one believes in God, values church and continues to attend. Once my younger son turned around 13 or 14, it became evident that church was not something he valued. And god? I'd call him either an atheist or an "I don't care-ist". He will only go to church on Christmas Eve as part of our family tradition. Have I ever cried about his lack of belief in God? No. Have I ever forced him to go to church? No. What an utter waste of time that would be. I respect his right to form his own beliefs about the world around him. Your mother should respect you in the same way.