In almost every post complaining about a TBM spouse paying tithing, someone suggests that 5% is a reasonable compromise.

Seriously?

Had TSCC demanded 100%, would 50% be a reasonable compromise?

And why does this 5% always seem to come from BOTH of you? (After wasting that 5%, you both have equal say about what's left.) It would be more fair to simply split the discretionary income, and if the TBM wants to blow their half on nothing, they're not entitled to the other half. But if you were to do that, the TBM would HATE it. Why? Because the TBM doesn't WANT to pay tithing, they HAVE to. And the idea that the non-TBM is able to spend money on other things while the TBM spends everything on tithing strikes them as extremely unfair. Making tithing a mandatory rather than discretionary expense rigs the finances in the TBM's favor. It gets paid along with the mortgage and utilities, and doesn't count as the TBM blowing money in a way they wouldn't let the non-TBM do.

How about if the non-TBM wanted to spend 5% trying to destroy TSCC? Why is there zero chance of that happening, even though the non-TBM may despise TSCC as much as the TBM supports it?

The other suggestion I'll see is to pay tithing only on what the TBM makes. This always struck me as funny because you both own everything together. What makes the money different because the TBM earned it? I guess if it lets you pay less it's a win...

The worst part is that even 5% isn't necessary. The TBM can still be a temple-recommend holder without paying anything if the spouse objects. How much financial (and marital) stress is caused for nothing?

I've heard many stories about those who have successfully lobbied that giving away any percentage of your income without the consent of both partners is wrong. In each case, the TBM, while regretting their inability to pay tithing, was quite on board with the improved family finances.

So do yourself a favor and squash it if there's any way you can. (Sorry for those that can't.) Give both of you that 1/9 (11.11%) raise. ($90 (after tithing money) + 11.11% (raise) = $100 (before tithing money))

I've never heard it suggested before (I don't tend to read those threads), but I think the idea behind it is that it's half way between what both people want...

Yes, it may not be an acceptable compromise for YOU, but I'm sure there's a couple somewhere where it's worked as a compromise, and it's a valid suggestion. You may not like it, but you can't stop other married couples from doing it, it's their choice, and if it works for them, so be it.

If you want my personal opinion on this, I agree with you, I would never agree to this personally.

Also, if you're worrying about people funding the church, know that the church is pretty much dead now anyway. Everyone here says activity rates in their area are 15%, that members are leaving in droves, that nobody is converting anymore, that nobody is using any of the temples, etc. The church is in its last days, no money you can give it now will save it. So don't worry about that.

It's not me; my husband and I are ex-mo, give them nothing, and regret all we did give them in the past.

It's when people come to the board looking for help with money problems caused by tithing.

If one partner wants to spend 10% on something the other doesn't agree with, just letting them spend 5% instead, while still getting equal say in all other money spent, isn't really a great solution. Yet we keep recommending it.

It's isn't fair to pay tithes on an unwilling spouse's half of a shared income. Let he or she decide on their own donations.

Tithing is a discretionary expense. For some families, the ones most likely to have a nonbeliever seriously complaining about tithing, it's a majority of their discretionary spending. It's not right to let one person dictate how all/most of the discretionary spending happens.

It's even MORE not right that the one who gave away most of the discretionary income gets any say in what's left.

My wife and I share our incomes. We believe that it is unjust to ask each other to donate from our earnings to something the other one doesn't want to donate to in our discretionary incomes. We've talked about it a bunch. She doesn't want me to indirectly support her church and I don't want to force her to stop paying. It is a good thing we both work but she felt pressure to pay from my income when she didn't work and it bothered her. She was a part of our team and didn't get to represent herself in her donations.

Satan I guess helped her get a job when she wanted one.

A solution where the discretionary income is split in half with each partner doing what they choose, even if it's a TBM paying tithing, is completely fair.

But that's not what gets recommended. They just say "pay 5%", which totally has the non-TBM putting money to a cause they don't agree with, and could potentially be more than the TBM's half.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2016 01:59PM by Xyandro.

Tithing is never fair. For a church all about traditional marriage they have nothing to help their mixed marriages. Nothing. The stronger spouse helps LDS Inc. win and the weaker spouse helps LDS Inc. lose.

Too bad they still gave my wife a recommend when she wasn't paying tithing from my income. That would have been nice.

Xyandro Wrote:
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> A solution where the discretionary income is split in half with each partner doing what they choose, even if it's a TBM paying tithing, is completely fair.

I might be old, can't figure out Common Core math, and still use my fingers to count, but if the income was split in half with each partner doing what they choose, if the TBM partner chose to pay a 10% tithing on their half, wouldn't that be equal to 5% of what was split??

So let's say that $1000 was split...$500 each. If the TBM spouse chose to pay a 10% tithe, wouldn't that be $50? Isn't that 5% of the $1000??

It's what ever a couple mutually agree upon, is what's acceptable.

In other words, MYOB.

Grown adults who are legally competent can do whatever they like with their own money including throwing it away if they want to. Whether that be on tithing, at the race tracks, etc. It's their decision to be foolish or not.

What seems foolish to you may be reasonable to them. It doesn't need to make sense to anyone else but them what they do.

I'm not talking about things people have agreed to. I'm talking about where one spouse is being stomped on while the other gives away all the money.

The post that sparked it was one where a wife was demanding her husband stop spending $10 per week on lunch with coworkers while spending 10% gross on tithing.

He was looking for a new balance. Some of the posters were telling him to shoot for 5% tithing. I don't think that's a fair resolution.

I was responding to your query of what's an acceptable compromise. What you are describing is neither acceptable nor a compromise.

That's just out and out unreasonable on its face.

Still, if the couple agrees that the husband can't eat out with his friends at work for lunch but they can spend that money on tithing instead, it's their decision to make whether anyone else finds that acceptable or not.

That gets back to defining our own boundaries of what's acceptable as in minding our business versus minding someone else's.

A couple in that situation is probably headed for divorce court from the sounds of it if they can't agree to compromise. Neither will be happy and both will resent the other for not seeing things their way.

It will work only when they find a sustainable balance in their marriage where each one feels their needs are being met.

I had a boss once back in my Idaho days who used to repeat like a mantra over and over like he was teaching me some great wisdom, which he probably was, that the most important things in a marriage was money and sex. Money and sex. Money and sex.

He was a TBM on his second marriage when I knew him. His first wife left him over money, because she didn't feel he made enough to keep her happy. His second wife pitched in and worked alongside him so they were a partnership. She didn't act like an entitled princess, and they were a team.

It's the money/finances and the sex or lack of it that make a marriage or will break it - regardless of someone's religious affiliation.

I would strongly consider Divorce if my wife even brought it up and I am not sure she will.

My TBM husband and I pay 5% tithing.

I think the bottom line is that compromise sometimes isn't completely fair and is often still painful.

Even though it's not 10%, I still look at the money my husband donates to the church as money that would be much better spent on our family or even a legitimate charity. But I have to look at things from his perspective too. I suspect that he's worried that his less than 10% tithing donation might jeopardize his salvation. The nature of compromise is that nobody gets exactly what they want.

I do exactly this. DW is fully active and I'm not, and am a non-believer. I make all the money, but she manages our income property. We compromise by allowing each other to do what we want, religion-wise. 5%. She feels she needs to pay it to remain "worthy." I have no problem with it. If we had less dicretionary income, I might feel differently about bankrolling her church hobby, though.

If money's not tight it often doesn't become a big issue. Like always, those who complain the loudest are usually the ones hurting the most.

For any partner to mandate how to spend 5%, 10%, or whatever just isn't right. But if you make enough, the other partner can ALSO spend 5%, 10%, etc., so it's easy to not worry about it.

Divorce usually ends up costing significantly more than 5% over the next few years. I suppose in the long run it would probably save money, but that may only be the case if it occurs earlier in the marriage.

Why is anything an acceptable compromise? I mean for fuck's sake, what do you think the word comprise means?


Every-time I make a compromise I needlessly concede something. I should just stand my ground and not give anything up and in return not get anything at all.

Well, I value my marriage to this TBM lady. She's a bit different than many of them. I really don't think she's motivated by belief. It's more a duty thing. I go by what makes her happy. If she wants to pay tithing, fine. We have a deal, and that is that she can pay it and I will not. We have reached a point where we can respect each other's beliefs, because we love each other. Problem?