I have been a member for several years, 14 of those with my first wife with whom I fathered 3 kids. We divorced at her request and some years later I married again. My ex kept my kids and has not married again. They all attend church, in fact I have a son in his mission. Almost 4 years ago I decided to study everything about the church because I felt that it was too demanding and if I was going to give so much (time, talents, money) I better cleared all my doubts. Well, you all know what happens when someone decides to study... I figured out everything was a fraud.


I stopped going to church then and my new wife followed me just a month after, so we both are out. I have not resigned yet but I will eventually. At the moment, my children rely a lot on the church and so far, the church has helped them to cope with all the challenges in their life.
I have always be there for them and I am at the point where I don't talk bad to them about their beloved church, but they also know I don't believe any more. I am ready to answer their questions when those arise.

I am over 45 and after 5 years of marriage I want out. No bad feelings, no fighting, no nothing... just that, first; love is not there any more, at least in the romantic way. Second; I feel like it is time for me to do what I want, when I want to. I don't want to be asked all the time about my whereabouts... I do want freedom. We didn't have any children with my wife and she is ok with my request so we are moving on with the process.
The reason I am sharing this in here is because I want to hear from anyone, if you think I am being too selfish or if this is normal. Reality is that I feel like for my first marriage I dedicated myself to work hard to keep up and raise the family, then with my second marriage it has been about the same, providing and helping others. Isn't it time for myself?

I really think that right my only responsibility is for my children and that is only while they prepare themselves to become productive throughout education.
I just want to live alone and be available for them at any time. I also want to enjoy my free time doing sports, traveling and pursuing some entrepreneur plans... while I continue my career, or course.
For any of those things I don't really have the support of my wife as she doesn't have the desire or interest. Neither she gets along with my children. By the way, her only child (not mine) recently married, so once we divorce I think she will end up also alone and I am not sure if she wants that the same way I do.
Let me know what your opinion is. Thanks

If you and your second wife are fine with it, I say go for it. You're likely only circling this dirt ball once. Why not life life the way you want to?

Sounds like your head is screwed on straight to me.

Your wife is responsible for her own happiness and to find her own future. The fact that you care is good, but yes, it is OK to think about yourself.

Put your own oxygen mask over your face before you help anyone else with theirs. There is wisdom in that.

The grass is always greener ....

I had several friends at your age decide, it's time for me, dammit. Well 15 years later they are pretty lonely and empty. Life is more than about just yourself and love burns bright and then the embers fade but they can be rekindled. I would think hard before you walk out on a good relationship.

Yes, you might be right, but what about love? - What if is not the same any more? - In the other hand... I can give up my plans for a few more years and try to stay in this "good relationship", but what if later she is the one deciding out?... I would end up lonely and empty any ways. Either way I am risking whatever it can be 5, 10 or 15 years from now.

This fact actually helps my own marriage.

We could be divorcing tomorrow. Life is a risk. It is the little things I do for her and her for me that tell me that what she feels. Either of us could die tomorrow.

You can't plan things like this. I was pleasantly surprised that we made it over the first hump of my leaving Mormonism. I could end up lonely. I'm enjoying the ride of being loved and being able to love someone.

Sparks and embers are the results of a good relationship, not the basis for one. If there's no common ground, no shared interests, etc., and doesn't get along with his kids, what's the point?

Read a book on the subject or go for counseling before you consider burning any bridges.

We were talking about this in my ToP class, that those who never fully and healthily completed two of the most critical of Erikson's stages in life tend to be the ones that have the mid-life crisis.

http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

I echo Cheryl, get some counseling first and listen to an objective opinion.

You are always okay to think about yourself. If you think you need another person to help you not feel lonely and empty in 10 years, how does sticking it out change that perception?

Do you feel like your relationship with yourself has been neglected? Maybe you need a change then. Nobody else is going to understand you, especially one from the planet WomanWorld.

There's a certain comfort in being a woman's b*tch, but a tremendous cost. Unfortunately, that's what most women are conditioned to want.

bradley Wrote:
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> There's a certain comfort in being a woman's
> b*tch, but a tremendous cost. Unfortunately,
> that's what most women are conditioned to want.

I disagree. Many maybe. Most, most definitely not. And it isn't so much conditioning as a reaction to life. Not a good one.

"Unfortunately, that's what most women are conditioned to want."

That's quite a broad brush you've got there.

You're right, I'm way too cynical these days. I'm like the astronaut who hasn't had Tang in far too long.

I think you are fine. I've been single for my entire life, and I am content with it. It will do you no harm to pursue the single life for however long you wish. If at some point in the future you find a possible companion, take your time about it. Don't be in a rush. Most nevermos live together for a long period of time before they wed. Some never do marry.

You're an adult and we are all adults here. This is not like

being in the church where everyone has to ask everyone elses

opinion on what they do.... we don't all think alike , we don't

all act alike. Our lives are not the same. Having said that,

you are an adult and you owe no one an explaination for the

things you do. You don't need anyone's approval. Only you

know what you are up against in your life and your relationships

so do what YOU think is the best FOR YOU. Trust me, its what

being a adult is all about.

As a woman, the last man on Earth I would want, is one who didn't want me. I hope that clarifies things for you, but if not, read on.

Let me be your wife for a moment.

"I love my husband, but he hardly touches me at all anymore, and when he does, it feels like he's just going through the motions. He gets more excited about biking up the mountain than he does about me."

"His TBM kids drive me nuts, and I can barely bite my tongue about all their "delightsome" activities. Of course they come before me, as they should, but I'm so tired of playing second fiddle to kids who consider me to be Satan's whore. If I didn't love my husband, I would certainly try to open their eyes to the real whore, that Joseph Smith, who they worship. I'm sure that they can't wait for him to ditch me and reconnect with their mother"

------

Okay, I admit I made a lot of assumptions here, but I'm sure you can apply reality, and get my drift. You do her no favor by staying, if you can only play-act at loving her as your primary relationship. She and you both deserve to be mated to your best friend. If you never really had that with her, then yes, leaving is better than faking it.

Caveat: Mid-life crisis. Ask a counselor.

http://www.webmd.com/men/features/mens-midlife-crisis

I disagree 2,669% with what Saucie says! I think you should ...

Nah, who am I kidding? Saucie is... Well, she just is...

elderolddog Wrote:
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> I disagree 2,669% with what Saucie says! I think
> you should ...
>
> Nah, who am I kidding? Saucie is... Well, she
> just is...


I have trained you completely now grasshopper.... you may now graduate.

Let the celebrations and libations begin.

Damn it! At first glance I read it as "you may now go germinate..."

me first

family second

country third

church way back fourth

Others have covered your main question adequately (though I tend to agree somewhat with Hedning).

I just wanted to comment on something you said about your kids:

"...the church has helped them to cope with all the challenges in their life."

No, it hasn't. The church's idea of "coping" is to stop asking questions, have "faith," believe their nonsense, and pretend everything is fine. That's not coping, that's denial, delusion, and ignorance.

I would hope you can point that out to them. That there are far better ways of coping with challenges than what mormonism offers.

Best of luck to you.

I certainly didn't divorce for the reason that I WANTED to be on my own, but I did ask myself at the time, "If this is for the duration (being single), is that better than staying married?" The answer was a resounding yes.

BUT, after 20+ years, all the kids on their own, I have discovered that I could never be tied to another person like that again. I don't mind having relationships, but I do not want to be a significant other to anyone. This does mean that my retirement will be meager. BUT my retirement will be mine. I can do what I want, go where I want, live like I want.

YES, it is ok to think about yourself! Men are that they might have joy, or at least some cult once told me that. I LOVE being on my own. Maybe I wouldn't feel that way if I'd had time of my own before I married. But I look at the people my age (baby boomers) and just think "Yuck," when I see what most of them go through with their partners. I get so frustrated when I call one of them to see if they want to go to dinner, get a drink, go to a play, etc., and get "Well, I need to check with hubby. He hasn't been happy about me going out without him." I just get to where I don't even want to invite them. I have enough single friends.

NormaRae Wrote:
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>> But I look at the people my age (baby boomers) and just think "Yuck," when I see what most of them go through with their partners. I get so frustrated when I call one of them to see if they want to go to dinner, get a drink, go to a play, etc., and get "Well, I need to check with hubby. He hasn't been happy about me going out without him."

I was on one of my "girls only" weekends away with some friends -- many older singles, but some married women as well. We were all there to attend a sporting event, so it was harmless enough. Lots of giggles, laughs, and gossip. The worst you could say about us is that we were enjoying oggling some of the male athletes. But it was all in good fun. We were all visiting together at night in one woman's hotel room. One of the women got a call from her husband and it was obvious that he was very angry that she was away from him for the weekend. For one lousy weekend! Marriages like that I can do without.