We left tscc a few years ago and my MIL/FIL basically stopped having a relationship with us. We tried for a couple years to make it work but we realized that it was very one-sided so we gave up & we don't talk to them anymore. DH's siblings still occasionally reach out to us, but they treat us like a VT/HT project. We will get special occasion calls/texts or messages like "just checking in to see how you are doing?" or "Can I come by and visit with you this week?" Its so annoying, its almost like they have forgotten that we were Mormon for over 30 years and don't know how it works.
Anyway, we have realized that they are giving all information they get from us back to DH's parents. Most of the information is benign but we feel so betrayed. MIL likes to let us know that she is getting the reports back by texting us bits from our conversations with DH's siblings.
Were considering cutting off contact with DH's siblings too. Any advice & thoughts appreciated.

Same here. My response? No contact with any of the Judas goats.

He who shuns last shuns shuns best!

Or...... You could really screw with them. Knowing that what you tell others will get back to MIL/FIL, talk in hushed tones to them about your new swingers club of Presbyterians or Lutheran keg parties. Hint about doing ecstasy with an attractive couple down the block. Run with it!

How about you tell the siblings that this isn't the way to have a real relationship. Tell them that they are helping their mother manipulate you, or maybe another way to interpret this is 'triangulating'.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

The only solution is to tell them that if they are there to represent mother or gather information for mother, then you no longer have a relationship with them. They may not be intentionally doing this. Mother may be pressing them for information, and they might be giving in. You need to be clear that that isn't acceptable. If mother wants information, she needs to get it herself.

But from what you described, it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with the siblings, either.

So sorry. This sucks.

You aren't enjoying them. You know the visits are phony. You know they are duty visits. What possible value is there to these relationships--to use the term loosely?

You have already answered your own question. It is okay to disengage. DNA is not a good enough reason to continue that type of relationship.

I wouldn't announce it or anything, just be really unavailable for awhile and see how you feel then. This will change the power dynamic in the relationship and could foster a break through with a couple of siblings. But, I wouldn't count on it.

I would talk to your siblings individually about this. They might appreciate an adult conversation. There is a possibility that MIL is truly evil and knows what she is doing may push you away from siblings and upset you. At least give them a chance. You will know from their response what is going on. Don't assume it is the same situation with all siblings.

I think you should NOT cut off the sibs. You know they're reporting on you, so you can turn this around back on all of them, and maybe plant some seeds in the process.

Manage the message to your advantage. Tell them about the positive, happy stuff, how good your lives are without the church.

"DH just got a raise and promotion!"

"Our vacation to Hawaii was wonderful! We would never have been able to afford it if we were paying tithing!"

"The kids love being with us on Sunday now! Our weekends as a family are so much better without spending all that time in church!"

[TBMs think: Say whaaat? Their lives are supposed to be awful, even worse than ours… they seem so happy… but we know they can't be happy away from church… does not compute… error… er-ror… an-a-lyze…"]

Either their cog dis will go into overdrive, or they'll quickly leave you alone. You win either way.

Just be your authentic self and let them do what they do. You can't help they are in a cult. They have good intentions in most cases...they simply want to save you from yourself.

Like observing an alcoholic or drug addict, they see so much more potential in you than you see in yourself. Celestial glory and all that.

So, I'm with BoM; the best message is simply living well. It just does not compute for them and hopefully it causes one or all to question their belief system at some point.

This sounds like a good idea but I just do not see the benefit. How would having a superficial relationship with the siblings benefit us. I've really struggled with this. It just feels shitty to have a relationship with people who think the worse of your life choices and expect/hope for you to be miserable. Life is really good but I don't see the point in trying to sell them on it. They will only be happy when life isn't going well for us and all the good news would be disappointing to them. It just seems like a lot to put oneself through for the small chance of creating a little cog-dis. So I'm wondering if I'm missing something here about the benefits in keeping these kind of relationships with family?

"people who think the worse of your life choices and expect/hope for you to be miserable"

"They will only be happy when life isn't going well for us and all the good news would be disappointing to them."

That was actually the point of my suggestion – that you make sure they know how well your lives are going, and how much success you're having, outside the church. They can't admit it, but you know their lives are crap due to all the burdens Mormonism places on them.

You know they want you to fail; so when you're prospering and they're not, it plunges the knife even deeper, and gives it a good twist. That's the benefit I see: causing added frustration and despair to those who hope for your misery. You're getting the blessings they feel entitled to receive instead.

That's the seed I was referring to – church activity does *not* bring the expected rewards. (self-)Righteousness *doesn't* open the Windows of Heaven. And as they stew and seethe, some of them might just start to wonder why they're putting up with all the church BS, when the apostates are getting all their blessings.

But that's just me. YMMV. If you think it's too problematic to deal with a family of thoughtless TBM drones, by all means dump them. It sounds like you won't miss them a bit. I sure wouldn't.

I would call it for what it is to DH parents - triangulation and that it is not a healthy behavior. Give them the site on the internet as it is never too late to learn something new. Probably they will never look at it or think it is anti info, but who cares? You have done your part in setting some healthy info in motion.

I grew up in a messed up, dysfunctional family. Through education and counseling, I began to get a clue as to the abuse I had been subjected to. I can say with a huge, huge shout that I am soooo glad to have the information I found. It saved my life.

You can be an example and try to share with others. I have found that the sharing with others in my family went no where, but maybe someday????

the best revenge is living well.

People who "think the worse of your life choices and expect/hope for you to be miserable" are my definition of "enemies."

No wonder it feels "shitty" around them.

Now that your eyes are opened, and you know their true motives for reaching out to you, in whatever lame way they are doing this, you can decide if you want them in your life, or not.

I don't know these people, but you know them well enough to figure out just how much you need them in your life. It sounds selfish, but it is really self-preservation. These are "enemies," who want bad things to happen to you, in order to validate their own beliefs. You already know that the cult comes first with Mormons.

I tried for many years, even before leaving, because people love to gossip about divorced people. I was moral, faithful, had several callings at once, and tried so hard--but my life took a "different" turn, and like vultures, the Mormons were there to pick me apart. I had to stand up to them, to stop them from hitting, shoving, and kicking my children, to stop the priesthood leaders from breaking into my house, when I wasn't there, to force my children to go to cult meetings. This is also "enemy" behavior!

Some of our experiences in the cult were extreme, and maybe this made my decisions easy--the decision to leave the cult and take my children with me, and, later--the decision that I could not continue being friends with these enemies. I slowly, stepped backwards out of their lives, out of view, out of contact. I didn't give them any information about me and my children, because they can use information against you, as a basis for all kinds of gossip.

We didn't hide. We just shut up. Mormons have eyes, and they saw our house being added onto and improved. They saw all of us working together on our pretty flowers. They was the new cars and boat in the driveway. They see grandchildren and friends coming and going. Since you can't hide your life, be proud of it. So what if someone reports to your in-laws--it's a convenient way of shoving your happiness and success in their face--and you don't have to think about it.

Let them go. I'm so much happier without critical, demanding, needy Mormons in my life It was all take, take, take, take, without giving love or friendship back. Let them feed off of each other.

I'm not one to close off the door on any family relationship where there is any hope of redeeming it. But that doesn't mean that you can't change the nature of the relationship. Instead of talk-oriented visits I would plan the occasional activity with the siblings and their families. Perhaps go to the zoo or a museum together, play miniature golf, bake and decorate cookies, play a board game, or what have you. IMO participating in and talking about a shared activity helps to repair relationships when they have been fractured.