"And it came to pass that their remains, foundations of their structures, implements of battle, and burial sites deteriorated and since God knows where every hair on your head (you aren't bald, are you?) is located, he will restore the perfect you when the wooden submarine without hands rolls forth covering the earth with more bullsh*t."

Could someone with scriptural knowledge please check the above scripture for accuracy?

I'm pretty sure I have it correct. :-)

And it came to pass that I, the lord your god, played a prank on you. My ever narcissistic pawn, even Joseph smith, convinced you of some really ridiculous shit of which you forced yourself to believe. And thus, realizing your stupidity, you began to use the really cool shit I gave you, even your brain, and began to enjoy not only life, but sarcasm. Now you shall never fall for such stupid shit again. Thus Sayeth the lord your god.